I have to say, right now I’m not all that concerned. What I realized is that even if pregancy tests were getting darker like I wanted, that’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t miscarry. And even if the line stays light, I could still have a perfectly normal pregnancy. Yeah, it would help me feel better for the moment. But I’m searching for a guarantee, and there just isn’t one. The sooner I can let that go, the better.

But beyond that, my body is doing a damn good job of convincing me I am pregnant. I feel a little light-headed when I stand up after being sitting or laying down for a while. My abs feel tight, as if I’ve been working them (and, trust me, I haven’t). I have a light headache tonight, and did last night too. My boobs feel a little sore. And the big one? I don’t want chocolate.

When I arrived here at my parents we went shopping and I bought a bunch of Canadian chocolate – and proceeded to eat it all. This is typical for me. But I realized that over the past week I have gone from eating every chocolate in sight to not eating any of it. I bought a Coffee Crisp and an Aero, and both had one bite taken out of them and then were left sitting on the counter for days. Today I saw the Aero sitting there so I grabbed some just out of habit. I took a bite and… umm… yeah…. it kind of tasted like… mud. Or something. Just blah. Definitely not something delicious and craving-worthy.

And the thing is, I hardly touched chocolate at all during my entire pregnancy with Devin. It’s not that it made me sick… it just tasted like crap. I hardly expected that very strange symptom to return for round two, but here we are. Guess that is one thing that is going to stay the same.

This is the exciting part, for me – finding out how this pregnancy will unfold similar to and different from my first one. I’ve been looking forward to this for a very long year. As some of the initial fear quietens in the continued presence of undeniable symptoms, I feel more and more happy.

I’m pregnant, and it feels fucking wonderful.

And we have blood. Small, large? I don’t know. More than a spot, less than a gush. Enough to soak my panty liner. I wasn’t too surprized. It actually didn’t seem weird at first, and then I realized I’m supposed to be pregnant right now, not bleeding. Then I stared and wondered what the fuck to do.

I’ve been worried from the start. Those damn tests. I know people keep saying they mean nothing, but still. It just didn’t feel right. (I did take another one tonight – darker than the last one. Just to reassure me that, at this moment in time, I am still pregnant.) And then my sinus thing cleared up yesterday. I wondered, but again, who knows what that really means, right? I feel a heaviness in my abdomen tonight.

I know there is still a chance that things are fine and will continue normally. But I’ve seen enough to realize how common miscarriages are and that I am likely heading towards one. I’m mentally preparing myself for that inevitability, and for FET#2.

In a way I’m a little relieved – if I’m going to lose it, let me lose it now, early, before we get too far in. I can handle this, and at least I know I can get pregnant again.

I feel a little disconnected. I’m not freaking out calling the doctor. I know there’s nothing they can do or say, but just wait and see. That’s all anyone can do at this point. Wait and see what the morning comes.

Another night not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

I feel wicked bloated, crampy, upset stomach… and the bleeding has stopped. To be honest I’m a little afraid to move for fear of dislodging more blood, as stupid and illogical as that may be. At this point I have absolutely no clue if the cramps mean miscarriage or pregancy. That’s a funny trick of nature. (Ha ha, I’m really laughing.)

I removed all my tickers. I had a really, really good cry (about something else, funny enough). So now I think I’m pretty drained and just am going to hunker down for a few days until my betas.

This whole thing has felt so touch-and-go from the start. I don’t know what I expected the second time around, but I know I didn’t expect this crap.

Someone passed on this article about IVF and pregnancy symptoms. It helped, if only a tiny bit. Right now I’ll take anything.

I’m in this very weird limbo-land. I don’t even know if I’m pregnant or not. I mean, I am – the pee-sticks say so – but am I really? I really like to jump into things with two feet, as evidenced by the ticker and me joining due date groups already. I like it. It helps it feel real, helps me really celebrate it. But right now? Not so much. Now I don’t know if I should be celebrating at all.

If this ends in miscarriage I’ll be okay with it – I will. It will suck a lot, but I realized today, when staring at that blood, that it felt a lot like seeing blood last cycle. A lot more like it than I anticipated. I guess I haven’t really bought in yet… I haven’t committed yet. But it also drove home the point that IVF failures feel a hell of a lot more like losses than I gave them credit for. No wonder you start to go off the deep end after multiple failures. But regardless… it’s survivable to me.

What I’m taking from this right now is that I got pregnant with my own eggs!!! If nothing else, if this pregnancy crashes and burns and we have to do it all over again, at least I know that I can still get pregnant… that Devin was not a fluke. I was really starting to wonder, you know. If I ended up with three clear negative cycles in a row I was starting to wonder what the fuck else was wrong and whether or not it was time to start considering other options. This pregnancy feels like hope, like reassurance. I CAN get pregnant, we just have to keep trying.

A second line is still a beautiful sight to behold.

I did mention that I had taken another test last night. As soon as I saw the bleeding the first thing I did was grab the second Answer test I had in the drawer, just to double check, just to see. I just looked at it to make sure it still had a line (it did), Den said it looked darker this time (I shrugged and said, “Looks like it, I guess”) and then tossed it in the drawer with all the others.

This evening I remembered I had it there so I pulled it out to take a look. Ummm, yeah. Just a little darker.

Here is the one from Tuesday morning, 11dpt, FMU. (And the pic with Sheepie.)

And this is the one I took last night, Thursday, 13dpt, first thing after getting home from a large dinner (ie, not ideal POAS circumstances).

So I guess I finally got that “obviously dark” line that I was waiting for. I’m glad it happened when it did, because I really really needed some reassurance yesterday, but at the same time I’m a little pissed because I can’t sit back and say, “There we go!” and feel all better now. The bleeding has ensured that I remain paranoid as hell about this. I want to knock on my uterus and say, “Hello?? Anyone still in there??”

::

This embryo was the only one we had not named, out of all the embryos we have transferred. After two failed cycles with named little embryos, Den said he didn’t want to name anything until I actually got pregnant, which I totally understand.

So here we are, pregnant (for the moment), and it has no name. I felt a little bad about that. We started tossing around silly ideas, laughing, and then forgetting about it.

The one thing that occurred to me was that it is Easter. I have a habit now of checking the shelves for little sheep, and of course right now there are a ton of little bunnies. I thought that was kind of cute. I tabled it as a possibility.

Yesterday we went to visit my Oma (grandma) in the care home she lives. Everything is decorated for Easter, which is of course not the least bit surprizing. We’re walking her down the hall in her wheelchair at a leisurely pace, looking at the art and photos on the wall. And then, all alone on a corkboard, there was this:

I stared and blinked, then pointed it out to Den and mom. A sheep and a bunny. I mean, really. People stared at me funny as I took a picture with my big fancy camera of the little thing on the corkboard.

Then tonight we went to go see a movie in the theatre (Knowing). It was a sci-fi/suspense kind of movie. And then just randomly, though it had absolutely no significance to the plot… you guessed it, bunnies. And not just like in the background that you glimpse. I’m talking a main character says, “Look! Bunnies! We get to keep them!” I leaned over to Den and hissed quietly, “Bunnies!!”

So it appears the moons have aligned and this embryo is the Bunny. Because, dude, even I cannot willfully ignore that many signs.

Today I had lunch out. Came home, did some stuff online. Went to the bathroom… more blood. But just the spot, a big splotch of watery red blood on my panty liner – there was hardly any on my toilet paper, even. No cramping, nothing.

So apparently I am going to spot during this pregnancy. This time I am not going into a tailspin, because I at least am somewhat prepared. I am not very fond of this, but I don’t believe that this necessarily means the end is near. In a few days I will be home and hopefully be able to figure out what’s going on.

It is a little disconcerning for this pregnancy to have such a nervewracking start, though. I have a feeling if this pregnancy does end up continuing that I will need to be cutting back at work significantly. For now I am just taking it very easy and trying to stay positive. As long as this bleeding stays random and short-lived like this I think I can handle it.

Update: It’s been hours of light light leftover bleeding when I wiped, and now that is gone too. Another sigh of relief. But now I’ll be waiting for the next big splotch of blood. Stupid body, seriously. Grumble grumble…. paranoid…. grumble… basket of nerves… grumble…

I had a salad for lunch, a few cookie as snacks, and then for dinner we had pork chops, yams, and broccoli with a bottle of water. I then spent the next several hours having to pee every ten freakin’ minutes. I felt like my bladder was going to burst. And bloated! The gas! Oh! I’m having gurgles tonight, and it aint cramps. (And I wasn’t wrong last pregnancy – gas bubbles really feel like kicks sometimes, wow. Comforting when kicks; really freaky when gas.) I’m wondering about the broccoli… I think I remember reading that it can cause gas. So I think I’ll be avoiding that one for a while.

::

Lest I give the impression that I am stoic and unflinching, I spent all day either laying on or in my bed, or laying on the couch. Maybe it doesn’t do a damn thing, but I get freaking paranoid when I’m spotting. I found my hand trembling for a lot of the day. Not noticeably to others, but to me. It was definitely easier this time, since this just happened a few days ago… I reassured myself that it definitely seemed like the same thing, and it would probably just go away. And it did. But there’s always that fear, isn’t there. The what does this MEAN fear. The fear that this time it won’t stop.

This time it wasn’t accompanied with any cramping, though. I felt a little weirdness, but that could just have been because I was hyper-vigilant all day. I felt every little single thing… every gas bubble, every burp, every little tiny drop of progesterone. It’s like being on amber alert all fucking day. Not quite red alert, no need to panic yet… but just watching, waiting for the slightest thing to send me off the edge.

After a day of this, with no return of red after the initial spotting was slowly flushed out, I’m starting to relax slightly. And I’m exhausted.

My crazy symptoms of last week have all but disappeared… which, after reading and thinking a lot, isn’t too crazy sounding. It makes sense that in the weirdness of new hormones building my body would be all out of whack, but then would settle down into a new equilibrium. And that’s how it’s feeling right now. My sinuses aren’t 100% clear, especially when I lay down – but I can at least breathe now. The crazy tugging and pulling in my uterus has settled down into a full feeling and the occasional twinge. My boobs are still a little achy.

I am really really looking forward to getting home on Tuesday and going straight to the doctor’s office. Which sucks in a very big way, because I have been looking forward to this vacation, to this visit, for a long time and now that I’m here I’m so distracted and worn out with all this. I know it’s probably much better that I deal with this shit when I am not at work, but it still pisses me off that I’m not able to enjoy my vacation the way I was going to… that I’m looking forward to just being home. (I am not, however, looking forward to going back to work. How on earth am I going to manage that??)

In the meantime I am staying VERY guarded. Hopeful, but really scared to put too much into this yet.

And yet my ticker is now reading 5 weeks. I really wasn’t sure if I would see this day. I sit and stare at it, just being thankful, regardless of what may come.

I think I am in some form of pregnancy hell. The spotting comes and goes, comes and goes… never very much, and it goes away, but it’s left me a paranoid freak. I think I go to the bathroom every 10 minutes to check. If I notice any spotting I lay down and take it easy (not like I’m doing anything strenuous while on vacation to start with, though – I’m doing a lot of sitting… and more sitting). Thankfully the spotting has actually been getting less each time… today’s spotting was some very light streaking in my CM, that’s it. And I guess after a point you do stop panicking in quite the same way, after you’ve seen spotting for the fifth time. But holy hell I am tired of this.

I’ll be calling the nurse tomorrow to figure out what they want to do (I would have called yesterday, but weekend and all), I am assuming on tuesday when I get my bloodtest they’ll also have me come in for a check. I just want someone to tell me what’s going on – to either tell me that things don’t look good, or to tell me that things look fine and this spotting is just one of those things. I just need some freaking answers here.

Getting the spotting to stop would be wonderful, too. If this keeps up I am going to be a fucking wreck by the end of this. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to function at work. I am quite nervous about going to work and having to sit in a chair and walk around and do all the things I’m supposed to do and somehow actually concentrate on what I’m doing without screwing up royally. I just really don’t know how I’m going to be functional.

::

We did something today I’m not entirely sure we should have done – we told extended family. We had no intentions to, you see. But then after dinner my mom did a little presentation for us.

Everyone in the family and extended friends, the huge circle of people that my mom knows, has been saving pop bottles and cans. Here in BC you can return them for a small refund, usually $.05 per can, more for bottles. So all these people have been saving them and giving them to my mom, who cashes them in and puts the money in a savings account. She has been doing this for a year now. She also ran a small 50-50 raffle tonight, with half the proceeds going into the savings account.

And tonight she presented us a check for $500. For our “IVF fund.” They know we have insurance coverage, but we pay copays every cycle for the retrieval, the transfer, the meds. And my mom has made it her mission to ensure that the entire family pitched in to help us with this journey. It really is very overwhelming.

So Den and I made a snap decision. I thanked everyone for their help and support, told them how very much it means to us. And then I told them that it was all worthwhile, our last try worked. I said it was still very early and anything could happen, but right at this moment I am pregnant and they all helped me get here. I choked up at the end.

There were congratulations and some tears (not all from me). It felt a little weird to be congratulated right now, when I’m still so unsure of things. And yet it did feel right to tell. After all we have been through, after all the support we have been given, in a way it felt like we owed it to them all to share in the happy news too, not just if there is bad news. I know, we don’t actually owe anyone – my mom even said afterwards, “You didn’t have to tell everyone! I wasn’t going to say anything!” And yet… this is a part of our journey, too.

Plus, if this does all go to hell, I will not be the one spreading that news. I go home tomorrow and won’t be back for another year. Yes, that definitely factors in. If I miscarried, I would definitely tell all family about it. So why should they just wait for the crappy news?

::

I was really gagging hard this morning – no throw up, but almost a couple of times. It went away by afternoon, though. It was a very interesting combo of, “YAY, gagging!!” and “Shit, already?!”

All the food today has also made me horrifically gassy. Burping and farting. Charming. I think I’m going to have to eat smaller portions from now on… and really be careful what I’m eating.

More spotting this morning… more brownish this time. And again, nothing after.

I did call the nurses, I just got the call back. Basically the answer is what I expected: spotting can be normal, especially since I’m using prometrium (which can irritate the cervix), I go in for my blood test when I get back and they’ll give me a call as soon as they get the results, we’re all hoping for the best, but there’s nothing I can do about the spotting, and it’s too early for them to check anything. It’s just wait and see.

I have a feeling I’m not going to be feeling better for a while.