I had a salad for lunch, a few cookie as snacks, and then for dinner we had pork chops, yams, and broccoli with a bottle of water. I then spent the next several hours having to pee every ten freakin’ minutes. I felt like my bladder was going to burst. And bloated! The gas! Oh! I’m having gurgles tonight, and it aint cramps. (And I wasn’t wrong last pregnancy – gas bubbles really feel like kicks sometimes, wow. Comforting when kicks; really freaky when gas.) I’m wondering about the broccoli… I think I remember reading that it can cause gas. So I think I’ll be avoiding that one for a while.

::

Lest I give the impression that I am stoic and unflinching, I spent all day either laying on or in my bed, or laying on the couch. Maybe it doesn’t do a damn thing, but I get freaking paranoid when I’m spotting. I found my hand trembling for a lot of the day. Not noticeably to others, but to me. It was definitely easier this time, since this just happened a few days ago… I reassured myself that it definitely seemed like the same thing, and it would probably just go away. And it did. But there’s always that fear, isn’t there. The what does this MEAN fear. The fear that this time it won’t stop.

This time it wasn’t accompanied with any cramping, though. I felt a little weirdness, but that could just have been because I was hyper-vigilant all day. I felt every little single thing… every gas bubble, every burp, every little tiny drop of progesterone. It’s like being on amber alert all fucking day. Not quite red alert, no need to panic yet… but just watching, waiting for the slightest thing to send me off the edge.

After a day of this, with no return of red after the initial spotting was slowly flushed out, I’m starting to relax slightly. And I’m exhausted.

My crazy symptoms of last week have all but disappeared… which, after reading and thinking a lot, isn’t too crazy sounding. It makes sense that in the weirdness of new hormones building my body would be all out of whack, but then would settle down into a new equilibrium. And that’s how it’s feeling right now. My sinuses aren’t 100% clear, especially when I lay down – but I can at least breathe now. The crazy tugging and pulling in my uterus has settled down into a full feeling and the occasional twinge. My boobs are still a little achy.

I am really really looking forward to getting home on Tuesday and going straight to the doctor’s office. Which sucks in a very big way, because I have been looking forward to this vacation, to this visit, for a long time and now that I’m here I’m so distracted and worn out with all this. I know it’s probably much better that I deal with this shit when I am not at work, but it still pisses me off that I’m not able to enjoy my vacation the way I was going to… that I’m looking forward to just being home. (I am not, however, looking forward to going back to work. How on earth am I going to manage that??)

In the meantime I am staying VERY guarded. Hopeful, but really scared to put too much into this yet.

And yet my ticker is now reading 5 weeks. I really wasn’t sure if I would see this day. I sit and stare at it, just being thankful, regardless of what may come.