I think this virus is finally on its way out of my system. Of course the three worst days of it were the three I had to work at the bank. I felt really bad about handling money when I’m sick. I used a lot of hand sanitizer. (This has really made me realize I’m going to get sick a lot more often now.) I still felt crappy yesterday morning, but by evening my sinuses are clearing out. This morning my throat is bugging me… a byproduct of the drainage, I guess. I’ll be glad when this is gone.

::

Just when I think I’m finding my footing I feel like jumping off a bridge again. My car failed inspection. Frame is rotted, he said. What?? The guy - a snotty, I don’t give a shit about your life guy, shrugged and told me he doesn’t think there’s a way to fix it, the car is “old.” Old?? My last car was over 20 years old and in good shape. This one is 7! You don’t go shrugging and telling me it’s time to junk it! Fucking asshole!

Regardless, “frame” is not a word one ever wants to hear when it comes to broken car parts. I am in a panic. I just bought the car last year (at what time it passed inspection without a problem with the frame). We cannot afford to buy a new car.

I just feel so defeated. I don’t even have much optimism anymore. I walked up to the car with a sinking feeling… it could have passed inspection, it could have been a minor problem. But it wasn’t. It was exactly what I expected.

Yesterday I was pulled over by a cop. This has never happened to me before. I certainly wasn’t expecting it on my way home from work, stuck in traffic for an hour, feeling ill. Of all days I just really really wanted to get home. There was flashing lights behind me, but when I pulled over to allow him to pass, as they always do, he didn’t pass me. He pulled in behind me.

Turns out it was just an overdue inspection sticker. I got a warning. Still, not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Especially when the cop is asking, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” standing tall and ominous outside my driver-side window. Especially when you’re an immigrant, albeit legal. Especially when you’ve had a really crap year and you just want to cry. And cry I did. Not sobbing at the cop, but dabbing at the silent tears welling up as I stared at the blurred streetlights while the cop sat with my license and registration in his car behind me. I sighed with detatched futility.

Today of course I knew I had to get the new sticker - but I had to work. New job, not like I can blow it off for an hour. And by the time I get out of work the inspection places are closed. I had 45 minutes for lunch to drive to a nearby auto inspection point and hope they could do it quickly. They had a wait, she informed me. About an hour. No good. I drove back to work.

The drive home was very interesting. I nervously watched my rearview mirror. I checked sidestreets. There was nothing I could do one way or another, but I held my breath. I tensed up as I drove down the stretch where I was pulled over yesterday - foolish thinking, my brain said, since the probability of it happening in exactly the same place two days in a row was slim to none. But I waited and watched anyways.

As I passed the spot I let out a sigh of relief. I wasn’t home yet. I wasn’t completely off guard. But I felt a little safer.

I thought to myself, maybe that could happen in my next pregnancy. I know we’ll all be holding our breath as I enter my 36th week of pregnancy. I know I’ll be checking all the cross-streets. I know I’ll be gripping the wheel. But maybe, just maybe, once we get past that I’ll be able to relax a little.

I missed out, and I carry that weight every day - especially seeing my co-worker draw close to her due date. Would I have gotten swollen ankles at the end? Would my belly have finally broken some stretch marks? Would I ever have felt done and ready to move on? I’ll never know. My journey was cut short. I want another chance at that, too.

It will be a hard battle in my head and my heart. I will be terrified, but trying to hold on and stay strong. I can’t tell you what I’ll decide to do. But I will hold on as long as possible.

I picture myself laying down to bed with a burgeoning belly, inching closer to a due date. I imagine myself feeling the baby kick and feeling thankful in a way I could never have imagined for one more day with my gift. That’s all we ever really have, isn’t it. One more day.

My stomach has joined in The Fight Against The Rest Of My Healthy Body. Oohhhh has it. Major tummy troubles today… being stuck in traffic on the way home really really sucked. It keeps making noises. Gurgles. Very very unpleasant gurgles.

My appointment with the ENT is scheduled for next Tuesday afternoon. I really hope this virus thing will be gone by then so he can start looking closely at the other issues hiding beneath that won’t go away. Allergies maybe? I feel really whiny about that. I’ve never had allergies. I rather liked being allergy-less.

::

So I hear a lot of birth stories lately. A lot of them sound remarkably similar. Long pushing, failure to progress, c-section. Today I was trying to catch some details.

A frustrating theme I hear is of the nurses ignore the woman regarding the progression of labor. I’ve heard several stories of the woman KNOWING she was going fast, nurses telling her she isn’t. Guess who was right? I especially love it when no one is ready for the baby to come, so the doctor isn’t there, and they either tell the woman not to push or they *hold the baby in* so the doctor can rush in and “catch” the baby who was well on its way without him, thankyouverymuch. I just want to shriek when I heard these things. What the fuck??

But what really catches my ear is the pattern of things going too slow, so the doctors give medication, and when that fails they c-section. Or they just jump for the c-section. You know what I’m NOT hearing? Women being encouraged to change position! There is a time and a place for an epidural or other medication with the intention of getting labor past a stall - and it usually has to do with relaxing the woman, relaxing the muscles, and allowing labor to progress as it should. So there are instances that I’ve heard of that being used successfully - but in the overwhelming number of cases it fails. Changing positions is free, easy, and has remarkable success. Doulas and midwives know the value of this tool, and I hear it again and again. Laying on your back is usually the worst position to be in during labor. It’s common sense: you are pushing a heavy object out a small hole. You need gravity to work with you! And beyond that, every labor is different, every woman is different. Some women do best on their sides, some do best squatting, some do best reclining. And yet their first move is to impose the exact same position and progression on every woman. That makes no sense!

If nothing is working and there is reason for concern, then by all means call a section and get the baby out. But why on earth jump to that point before trying the most basic solution?

Oh wait: epidurals. And when the woman doesn’t have an epidural the nurses frequently forget that their patient can move because they are far more used to an epidural labor.

Just makes me shake my head. I know there is absolutely nothinig I can do for these women after the fact and in general I keep my mouth. But it really does underscore how important it is to educate the doctors and nurses and hospitals - and the patients.

I need some input. When you have a head cold and your sinuses are completely clogged, do you normally produce way more cervical mucous? Because I’m starting to wonder if I even ovulated this month, it’s been like two weeks of this and I should have ovulated last week. Damnit. And no, I’m not doing any temping or OPKs or anything. And there’s no pee stick for progesterone levels.

ETA: I meant to add, but forgot, that I’m not taking any meds. I know that mucinex and stuff can loosen things up a lot… but up until yesterday I hadn’t taken even a tylenol. So whatever this is it’s all my body.

So you know I’m rather passionate about spreading awareness. Let’s make sure the lawmakers understand that this is an issue they cannot ignore! In addition to the steps below, we need to write in to our representatives in Congress and tell them that YES we need this bill to pass. WE NEED better research on why stillbirths happen. This is the only way we’re going to figure out how to prevent stillbirths them from happening. In this society, with all our technology, all our fancy machines, all our knowledge, 1 in 115 babies DIE between their 20th week of pregnancy and birth. This is unacceptable. We need to do better than that.

Full text of the legislation

Where to go to find out who is the Representative you should be writing to

Sample letter you can send, from First Candle

Also,

Antigone spearheaded a blogging campaign:

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let’s help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: “Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act.”

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Working full-time was a hard decision to make and actually follow through. Getting this job was a step in accepting this new life of mine - this new DINK (double income, no kids) family we have had forced on us instead of chosen by us. After we got married I didn’t get a job because I was going to have a baby soon. I realized that I was holding back so that I wouldn’t have to switch. I think I was afraid that it would be really hard to go back to one income after living on two incomes for a sustained period - that it would be rougher than it ought to be. So I held back, I didn’t get a full-time job, and I waited to be a SAHM (stay at home mom). And I waited. And waited.

After we lost Devin I realized I couldn’t keep waiting. I couldn’t fall back into that same pattern, I had to do something different. I was, in a way, forced to live in the moment. Forced to deal with our current childless situation in a way that I avoided all through our initial infertility. Even though this time we actually have a timeline for getting pregnant and having a child, I realized that I couldn’t just sit there and wait again. I always kind of knew that nothing in this life is guaranteed, but now I know it. I wouldn’t say I’m afraid to bank on the future. It’s more that I respect that the future is never going to be a known entity and that I must make my life with what I have now.

Of course, needing the job to get IVF coverage was certainly a catalyst in the decision and made it a little easier to go through with it. It’s an odd position to be in, actually: in order to line up my life on one track I had to, by necessity, switch to a totally different track in the meantime. I’m not one who likes to do that. I like to work in a straight line. I like to have the future in my sights.

I worry a little bit that I am pushing myself too hard - we were writing down hours worked for my other job, my non-profit job, and I realized that per week I currently spend 10 paid hours at the non-profit, 7+ hours volunteer at the non-profit, 24 hours at my new job, and throw in another 1 or 2 hours for my freelancing that I still do on the side. That’s 42 hours of actual working time, not including travel and lunches and stuff. That’s a significant jump from the 15-ish hours a week I was working before. I am pretty damn tired. I am still adjusting to actually getting up in the mornings and my body still hasn’t caught on that it needs to fall asleep earlier to make up those lost hours in the morning. I find I really look forward to my Sundays to recharge my batteries. With last my last Sunday being spent in NYC all day (I left at 4:45am, got home shortly before midnight) it’s no wonder I got sick… I didn’t give myself time to recharge. I’ve felt like I’m running on E this week, though whether that’s from pushing too hard or simply being sick, I don’t know.

The dynamics at my new job seem to be working out just fine. No one brings up the son I lost, no one asks any questions, but I understand why they’re cautious about it. What’s more important to me is that they talk freely with me about pregnancy, sharing experiences. They do not seem to be uncomfortable if I bring things up offhand, so it’s all good. I’m still able to find some common ground with them, and I think that’s what’s important. I don’t feel left out of conversation.

Two interesting realizations for me today at work, though.

The first was that I still really enjoy talking pregnancies in a somewhat “motherly” role. Now I try very hard not to give out unwanted advice, no one wants that. But if someone is saying, “Is this normal? I’m concerned about this,” I’ll tell them what I have learned in my time researching pregnancy. It’s not even that I see mis-information floating around, it’s simply that I see people who really don’t have information. And I am very happy to share with them what I have learned - and then encourage them to talk to their doctor or look it up. I really am a huge believer in educating yourself and knowing your body.

I really really encourage pregnant women to understand what they are going through, as they are truly the people in charge. Doctors can certainly advise you and you SHOULD turn to them if you are concerned - but YOU, the pregnant woman, are the only one experiencing it. You are the one who will know first if something feels “wrong.” I want women to know that they should be doing kick counts and knowing what their baby’s patterns are. I want women to know that springing a leak IS a big deal. I want women to know that “minor cramping” that won’t go away could be a sign of premature labor. And I really really want women to know that if they feel nervous about something they should not shrug it off!

But. On the flip side, I do not want to see women worrying about every little thing. There is definitely a time and place to be anxious and concerned. But the reason I’m so passionate about educating yourself is so that you know what IS normal. All pregnancies, all labors, progress differently. You might feel aches in your side; you might lose your mucous plug; your water may break before labor starts; the baby may be head-up at 35 weeks. There is a huge range of “normal” and I think it’s important to understand and accept that.

Yes, it is a very delicate balance. I’m finding it very hard to walk that line in my head between natural birth advocate and someone who had a stillbirth. Both sides like to shout in my head. I’m sure it’s only going to get worse when I am pregnant, but I am going to try very hard to continue walking this line.

I still do feel like a career as a doula is still an option for me in the future. This is not the right time for it, I have shelved the idea for the moment - my current job(s) are not conducive to that lifestyle, and my mental state is certainly not conducive to that type of work. But it is still something that I am passionate about and I think I would do well at. I have tucked the idea away in my brain for now.

The second thing that happened today was that I found myself fantasising about being pregnant at this job… about having my big belly, having customers ask me when I’m due, having co-workers ask how I’m feeling and remark on how great I look. I stopped to examine my thoughts and emotions about this daydreams. I realized they were far more positive and excited than wistful and sad. I am daydreaming about the future, not replaying the past. I cannot wait to be able to announce to them that I am pregnant (probably not until my 13 week ultrasound - if I can hide it until then). I cannot wait to buy new materinity business clothes. I cannot wait to get that glow back.

I also realized that my daydreams held very little fear. More caution than my last pregnancy, certainly. But I really cannot picture myself hiding my pregnancy, hiding from my pregnancy. I cannot imagine myself not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to share it. I see myself nervous, but full of excitement and promise once again. It is a relief to me to really believe that I could feel that way again. After I lost Devin I knew right away that I would be pregnant again, the question was whether or not I could feel joy in it again. And I think I can. I think I will.

This is another way in which this new job is a good thing for me. Being pregnant in my new job will be a totally new experience, not walking in the old footsteps. I’m sure I am going to have many triggers as I proceed through it, and thankfully this new environment, these new people, will be somewhat a safe haven for me. It’s a new slate, a new path. The new pregnancy will not be the same as the old, and I think that will become an important role.

The job isn’t perfect - no job is, and I wasn’t expecting it to be. But it is new. It is temporary, so even the negative things I can handle because I know there is an end point. And this job will be the conduit for my next IVF, my next pregnancy. If there ever comes a day when I really don’t want to go to work I can just remind myself that I am doing this for my future baby. That is plenty enough motivation right there. Even for someone who likes her sleep and has never worked a 40-hour week in her life.

I’ve had this lingering cold thing for months now - I didn’t feel sick, but my voice sounded gravelly and I couldn’t hit any high notes at all (a scream comes out as a squeak). I was hoping it would go away on its own, but it became clear to me that it wasn’t going anywhere. So I made an appointment to see the doctor.

Of course yesterday, one day before the appointment, I came down with a cold. People have been sick everywhere - the cat sanctuary, the bank, my husband - so I guess it was only fair that I got it too. But now I’m pissed! It’s probably not the same thing that’s been lingering in my system… and now the doctor won’t be able to tell me what the heck it is! But it’s too late to cancel the appointment. How freaking irritating. I’m just going to have to wait for this one to pass, then go back again.

And I would really like to know why every time I get a cold it goes straight to my throat. Sinuses first… then throat. And it stays there.

Oh this is going to be a fun week working at the bank. I feel yicky.

Update: My Dr referred me to an ENT specialist to get this lingering thing checked out - and he seemed unimpressed that I waited so long to get it seen. (It’s been months now.) He said they may want to do allergy testing on me, and check things out structurally. And he wants me to use Flonase and possibly try Claritin to see if that helps. Which didn’t occur to me because I’ve never had allergies. *sigh* Here’s hoping the ENT can get some answers.

The good news is that the ENT appointment - while not scheduled yet - shouldn’t be until after this new cold thing is gone. And it wasn’t a wasted trip to the doctor.

I’m still irritated, though. What is my body doing to me NOW?

My day yesterday did not exactly go as planned.

I woke up when my alarm went off at 4:30am and got up quietly, getting ready to go. It was then that the niggle started at the back of my brain. Wait, when was the train? I pulled out some papers and looked. 5:55am. It took an hour and a half to get from my place to New Haven to catch the train. I did some quick math. …… crap. Apparently I’m not good at math at midnight when setting alarms.

I drove above the speed limit the whole way, but to no avail - I missed the 6:00 train and had to catch the 7:00. Not a huge deal, except for the small matter of the shuttle bus I had planned to use to get from the subway station in Brooklyn to the conference. I would now arrive too late. I figured I’d just take a taxi. I didn’t know exactly how close to the subway station the conference center was, but I knew it was in the vicinity. It wouldn’t cost much.

I arrived at Grand Central at around 8:30. From there I hopped onto a subway (or two) and rode into Brooklyn. I got off at the correct station and got my bearings. Now all I had to do was hail a cab. I’d never done that before. I’ve ridden in a taxi exactly twice before, and neither time did I actually catch one off the street.

After a few minute of waiting I raised my arm at the sight of a cab. He pulled in. How easy was that! I felt very pleased with myself. I slid into the back seat and pulled out the conference info. “15 Washington Ave,” I told him. He mumbled something in a heavy accent. “Cross street? No, I don’t know the cross street. It’s on the water, though.” He pulled out a map and mumbled some more. Then we pulled away from the curb and I sat back. There was a screen in front of me with a map and some ad playing. How neat! I played with it. I glanced at the running meter, wondering if it would be under 5.00. It should be close. I glanced at street signs, hoping to see Washington Ave soon.

Instead I saw the Brooklyn Bridge. This alarmed me. Quite a bit, in fact. Especially when we started going over it. The map in front of me confirmed that we were indeed on the Brooklyn Bridge. “Ummm. Are you sure this is where we’re supposed to go?” He mumbled something again. I fidgetted in my seat. Maybe we were going the long way around? I swallowed a lump, looked at the clock which told me I was very late for the conference, and nervously looked out the window. We turned onto a highway which appeared to be going north. Okay, this is definitely not right. Not right at all. I leaned forward. “You know it’s in Brooklyn??” I said loudly.

“Brooklyn?!” he responded in a shrieky, accented voice. “Why you not tell me? Oh my god!” Oh fucking fantastic. My cabbie had no freaking clue where he was going.

He ended up turning around and getting us back on the Brooklyn Bridge and heading back into Brooklyn. He started asking me questions about where Washington Street is. “I don’t KNOW!” I told him, exaspirated. “I’m not from New York! I know it’s on the water, and close to the subway station! You’re supposed to know where it is!” He turned pulled out his map again and mumbled to himelf while consulting it. Then he turned onto some side streets. I - hahahaha - thought he had figured it out. Until we started driving up and down side streets, that is. I guess he was looking for it, hoping it would jump out at him.

Finally I’d had enough of this bullshit and told him I was very LATE, did he know where Washington Ave WAS?? No answer. I told him I would get another cab, let me out! He pulled over. He asked for 10 dollars, which was far less than what the meter read, and I gave it to him just wanting to be done with it, even though in my mind he owed ME for getting me lost.

Is there some unwritten rule that says you need to furnish your cabbie with a map to get to where you’re going? Somehow I thought they’d know how to get from point A to point B in their own city, that they’d own maps or something. And at the very least I would have hoped that the cabbie would TELL me that they have no clue and let me fine someone who does know. I mean, where the fuck did he think he was going?

So there I was, standing on some street in Brooklyn, no clue where I was going, and not even where I started though I had a rough idea how to get back there. And now I was extremely gun-shy about hailing another taxi. So I started walking. It was around here somewhere.

I asked several people if they knew where Washington Ave was. Half of them had no clue. One guy looked it up on his ipod and pointed me in the right direction. I walked.

There were points during that walk when I was near tears, let me tell you. I hate being late. I missed my train. My taxi cab got me lost. And now I didn’t even know where the fuck I was going. I had no map. I was just walking in that general direction, hoping I’d find it. And every time I stopped somewhere to ask where Washington Ave was for confirmation, they hadn’t a clue. Don’t these people know anything?! Freaking useless. A cop confirmed that I was going in the right direction. (There were about 10 cops, standing on a corner bullshitting. This is tax money at work??) I kept walking. And walking. By that time I wanted to grab another cab… but none were in sight. I was in a quiet section, not much traffic. No taxis passed me at all. So I kept walking.

Finally I glanced up and there it was. I stopped dead and did a double take. I looked to my left and there was the huge sign that proclaimed Steiner Studios.

I arrived I think right around 9:30. I later looked up my hike on google maps to discover that I walked over 2 miles. (Strangely, though, I wasn’t even out of breath when I got there. Obviously I’m in better shape than I thought.) I was tired, I was cranky, but I was relieved.

(I’ll write about the conference itself later. I’m tired and need to unwind.)

Early in the morning (and I mean early) I am off to NYC and the AFA Family Matters Conference! If anyone else is there and you see me, say hi.

I’ll hopefully bring back a lot of info to share, and possibly even a better attitude a the one I currently have been carrying around.

I’ve been very down this week. Really struggling about everything, really pissed off. It’s gotten worse this weekend - I woke up feeling like I was going to burst into tears and wanted to just pull the covers over my head and forget about everything and everyone.

Driving to work I was thinking about how strange it was that I’m feeling so down. Then I realize tomorrow is October 5… 6 months since Devin’s due date.

I didn’t think I was really going to pay much attention to it, I didn’t think it was going to matter. He was born and died 7 months ago, no big deal. But I guess deep down inside is another story entirely.