8 years ago, when we got married, I couldn’t have pictured this life we have now. 5 years ago, after Devin died, I certainly couldn’t conceive of a future in which I was happy and full, pleasantly busy, days filled with little joys. I remember when I was pregnant with Devin, looking around my house thinking that we were going to have a baby in here. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. And yet here I sit, day after day. I am exhausted every single day because one or the other one wakes me, but I somehow survive on just enough. There are tantrums and whining and “why?” three thousand times a day. There is food spilled every time I turn around and toys are littered across the floor no matter how many times I pick them up. Getting shoes on, coats on, everyone outside and strapped into the car seems to take me over 15 minutes each time I attempt it every day.
And I love it. Oh, I don’t always love it, and evenings have become a very slow countdown to bedtime so I can eat some chocolate and do something by myself for more than 10 seconds. But the big picture is just so good. I marvel at all these things they learn, I delight in the many hugs and kisses I get. I love watching them grow. I love watching them become who they are. I love being here as they figure it all out.
I love having two of them. I wasn’t sure for a while, when Ember was a baby, I wasn’t sure if I was done or if there was a big part of me that wanted to do it all over again. Two is hard though. They are each very different, they each go through different yet equally frustrating moods and stages, and they both take turns waking up at night. I’m not quite sure how I would juggle three. Not saying that I couldn’t, just that… two is good. Two is enough for me. My heart is so full. (My arms are also very full, as both generally want to sit on my lap at the same time.)
They both are getting just so big, legs hanging off my lap. I’m glad I’m still nursing Ember, it’s some nice quiet cuddle time with her, makes me feel all soft and content. I wish I had some way of getting Kate to chill out and stop wiggling and climbing!