My father’s dog is a senior, at nearly 14 years old. I check her hearing every time I come, and I’m pretty sure she can hear okay. However, she plays dumb so it’s hard to tell.

I called her up on my bed, and she layed down on my side, where my feet are supposed to be. “Oreo, move over,” I said. “Oreo. Oreo, move.” I nudged her with my foot. “Oreo! Move!” I nudged her harder. Not a flicker of understanding from her… not a twitch of her ears or a glance of the eyes. She continued staring at the wall as if she was old and completely deaf and did not notice me insistently pushing her from under the blanket.

I ended up sleeping diagonally across the bed, leaving her where she was. She’s old, and I don’t really want to yell at her. I guess she’s earned her fake senility.

I’m starting to feel hopeful again… playing over “what-if”s and “what-could-be”s in my head. I don’t like it. I know that doing this over and over again without any hope would be pretty pointless, but I wish I could just block it out completely while I am waiting. There is simply no point to it and I am tired of being hurt.

Looking through old photo albums I relive pieces of the past. This house, too, holds so many pieces of me. I walked around taking photos of the collages on the walls, the photos that have been hanging in the same spots since before I can remember. More have been added, some have been moved. But all of it feels so familiar, so comforting.

::

I looked through the albums from 2000 and 2001 – my last year of high school and the year after. Every photo I had a huge smile on my face, teeth showing. I flipped the pages thinking that anyone looking through these photos must have thought I was quite a happy teenager. They would have been very, very wrong.

::

My mom and I sorted through some old, left-behind things from a closet. Among my textbooks, piggybanks, and random objects she pulled out something she had stashed in there – a fishing lure, still in its original box, with a note from an aunt. My aunt had written that she had saved this lure for me for when I got married, and wondered if I knew the story behind it. My dad fishes a lot, so hooks and lures are not exactly rare objects around here, but my mom admitted she hadn’t a clue why my aunt had this one, or why it was a sentimental item.

Later I remembered to ask my dad about it. “Do you the story behind an old fishing lure that Auntie C had? She sent it to me.”
“Is it pink?”
“Yes, actually.”
Dad nodded, expecting that answer. “That’s what I gave out to everyone when you were born, instead of cigars. I figured a cigar coming from me would have just been silly. I gave out blue ones when Cory was born.”

::

I look at the baby pictures of me and wonder if someday my daughter will look like me. I wonder if I will ever have a daughter.

::

I ran across a photo of me in pigtails and smiled. I was born nearly bald and had very little hair for quite a long time, so me in pigtails was quite the accomplishment. I pulled it out and read the note on the back – my mom, ever the organizer, wrote notes on the back of every photo in all the old albums. It said, “Natalie: 2 1/2 years old. First time in pigtails – she finally looks like a girl!”

I burst into peals of hysterical laughter, then read it out loud to my mom, who covered her mouth with her hands and laughed too.

::

I look at all the places we went, all the things we did. My mom was often taking the photos, and my dad would be there at our sides or in the background, watching protectively. There are pictures of vacations, swim lessons, learning to ride bikes, baking, playing, and so many more things. I realize what wonderful parents I had and I am so, so grateful.

::

Even though I am here with my family now my heart seems to ache even more, knowing that I have to leave. I am desperately trying to soak it all up.

No matter where I am, this will always be home.

We went to a relative’s for dinner tonight. There was a 18 month old girl and a 16 month old boy there. I lavished attention on the dogs. “Always been such a dog lover,” mom said. Yes, I have been, but that’s not the reason mom. You should know that.

I pretty much ignored them the whole evening. Not rudely so – but I remained politely distant. No one commented one way or the other. That’s fine.

It was hard not to look at the little babies running around, thinking that there should be three. Devin should be with me on this trip. I don’t think that very often – I try not to. But sitting there tonight, I did.

After dinner, for whatever reason, the other adults decided grandma-to-baby should pull out all the baby clothes she recently got a good bargain on. Since everyone knew I’m feeling a little under the weather, and I had already asked mom if she was ready to go, it didn’t seem to abrupt for me to get up from the table and walk away.

Yes, they were girl items. No, I wasn’t having a meltdown. Yet. But I really wanted to avoid having one in public.

::

Yesterday I went out with a bunch of old friends I haven’t seen in years. I knew from facebook that one of them had just had a baby, and that she wouldn’t be coming (at which point I stopped reading, just for my own emotional stability). Not that she wouldn’t be coming because of the baby, but because she had a prior engagement.

Imagine my surprize when I get to the restaurant and am told that new mama will be stopping by briefly with the baby. My heart sank. Could I be fine? Sure. Could I be not fine? Sure. Problem is, I never know ahead of time which way I’m going to go.

She arrived later in the evening, pulled the newborn out of his carseat and sat him on the table. I stared. He was tiny. I mean, he was newborn size. But holy shit, I forgot how tiny they were at first.

They passed him around for a little bit, and I was fine. I kept glancing at him, his sweet little newborn wiggles. Finally I spoke up and asked to hold him. He of course decided he was hungry and squawked, for for a few minutes I kissed his little head and held his little body. Sometimes when I let my guard down, when I let go of all that came before and all that could come later, when I just hold them, everything is right with the world. Just like it was with my niece. Time slows, and there is light.

But then I have to give him back, for someone else to feed, someone else to take home. And that’s when the anger and jealousy and hurt comes in. The mothers. The mothers who have what I lost – the mothers who do not know the deep chasms that exist in my heart. The mothers who think nothing of taking their baby home, because that is how it always happens. Except it doesn’t. Not for all of us.

Seeing the girls was so wonderful in its own way, but at the same time I’m left feeling like everyones life has moved forward but me.

::

For me it’s the newborns that incite the biggest longing, the most jealousy, not the toddlers at the age Devin should be. I see them feeding yogurt and dealing with tantrums and I don’t really have any concept of it. I obviously have some measure of conciousness as to what age Devin would be, but I’m so far removed from that now.

Birth is where my play ended; where I want to pick back up. A newborn is what I spent countless hours imagining and preparing for. It is that moment in time that I long for with all my heart.

I couldn’t sleep at all. I tried to force myself to sleep. At 3am I gave in.

And I said W.T.F.?? It was negative. But then… maybe something? I tilted it every which way, feeling like I was really trying too hard. I went back to bed and vowed to take another one after I actually slept. (I kept checking it every half an hour to make sure the shadow-line hadn’t disappeared. I kept it stashed under my pillow.)

10am, another one. Same thing.

So I spent the day in a kind of limbo. Is it a shadow? Is it a line? Am I going batshit crazy?

Is it, maybe….??

REQUEST: If you know me on Facebook, please don’t say anything there, we’re not telling family yet.

I felt pretty good last night. Still not ready to really say I was pregnant, but pretty confident… my body certainly feels it. I got up at 4am to take another test (early on purpose that time – so that I could tell Den the happy news before he left for the airport). And the line was freaking barely visible. I said WTF. And then I started panicking. That is not how I pictured my morning going.

4am no stores are open here. Nothing. I had to wait several hours for any drug stores or Walmart. I fell aleep and had a bad dream about buying tests and being chased by people. (Yeah, that was great.)

I borrowed mom’s car to drive to the store, ended up buying both a Clearblue Digital and a Clearblue +/- test. I avoid the +/- tests like the plague, but I needed to see some kind of line on a different brand, and we’re short on options here.

I took three tests at once… my last FRER and the two Clearblues. Fucking FRER was lighter than before (I am not a fan of the brand, let me tell you). The blue dye test had an obvious, but not very dark, line.

And then I waited. And waited. The little image blinked on the digital. There I knelt, crouched over my little pee sticks like a mother hen, wondering what the HELL I was going to do if that digital said not pregnant.

It stopped blinking.

I cried.

I think I’m pregnant.

I have a lot more posts to make about this all, including how I told Den, since he is not here yet. But for right now I figured I’d answer a bunch of the questions I’ve been getting!

Are you getting a beta?
Since I’m out of the country I obviously cannot pop over to the clinic to get my blood drawn. I put in a call to the nurses today to let them know the good news, and they told me congratulations and just to come over for a beta when I get back next tuesday. Which will be a little weird, because obviously the numbers aren’t going to be comparable to anything from my last pregnancy, being a week later and all. I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal to not have a beta drawn right away, but suddenly the idea of having a blood test confirm pregancy sounds like a really idea. Nothing to be done about it now, though.

When are you due?
December 12! Saturday is “officially” the day that my pregnancy weeks will start, going by that due date, but I’m putting up all my tickers a day off so that Sunday is the “new week day”. Just for me. Sunday is my day off, it’s my day of celebration.

How many embryos did you put back again?
We transferred just one embryo at a time, so this is almost certainly a singleton. If it’s twins it would have to be identicals, and I don’t even want to go there!

Why do you think this cycle worked?
Well first of all I do think a lot of it is dumb blind luck. We had a great embryo last time, and a great embryo this time… 50-50, right? Yes, I’m on vacation and not working… and, while I do think vacations a GREAT thing for my mental well being, I don’t really think that played a part in this. What I DO think was significant is the fact that this was a FET. My body really took a beating last stims cycle – that was far more physically stressful. The cycle I got pregnant with Devin I had no overstimming, no bloating, no side-effects from the stims… just like a FET (even though that was a stims cycle). I’m wondering if that is significant.

And also, as sweet as it is to have found out on Devin’s due date, I do not believe that was significant either. Last time we could have found out for his birthday, or the one before that for Christmas. I’m not really sure why my cycles have aligned themselves with major dates, but it’s a relief to not have another one crash and burn.

How are you feeling, physically?
Well first of all I did not expect any “symptoms”. With Devin I had nothing until way after I knew I was pregnant. This time? Whoa baby. Let me list so far:
* Day of total exhaustion (but so far it was just that day… I’m running on adrenaline, however)
* Allergies in overdrive. Feels like a great big head cold. Started days ago.
* Very gassy, yuck.
* Lots of twinges and pulling sensations in my abdomen.
* Some unhappy nerves in my hips, same ones as when I was in late pregnancy last time.
* Feeling kind of faint and dizzy when I stand up.
I think that’s all so far. No queasiness or food cravings/aversions yet! (Yet.) It makes sense that they’re all related to pregnancy, but it did seem logical that my body was out of whack, because of the travel. My newfound allergies have never been in BC before, and I do get tired when I travel. But boy do I “feel” pregnant for only being 4 weeks. It’s a little shocking to me.

How are you feeling, emotionally??
It’s weird, you know… because I really wasn’t expecting such a roller coaster this weekend. I figured I’d test on Sunday and either spend a couple days crying, or be pregnant and thinking up clever ways to surprize my husband. Instead I’ve been freaking out over stupid ass tests that have me doubting my own sanity. So for a day I was happy and hopeful, but in a state of disbelief… afraid to really put my heart on the line yet. That’s why seeing a light line today really hurt me… I needed some kind of solid confirmation and I didn’t get it with the FRERs. Which is why I totally started sobbing when I saw the digital. It was okay for me to really believe it then.

The light lines and what-if’s have of course brought up some worries about miscarriage. I know there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it, and it’s pretty obvious to me that I am pregnant right now, but I’ve seen enough pregnancies end to be worried. But, regardless, I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t let my fear drown out my joy. The fact of the matter is that I am pregnant NOW. And for heaven’s sake it’s about time to celebrate something! So if some of you babylost/infertile girls out there are looking at her thinking, “Holy shit, she has a ticker already? Is she nuts?” the answer is: yes. But… man, part of what I loved about being pregnant was experiencing it all! And I refuse to deny myself that.

I think it can pretty much go without saying that anything I say from now on about the future will have an unspoken disclaimer of, “If everything works out…”

How is Den doing?
Well to be honest I’m not quite sure. I know he’s a lot more unsure and scared than I am… because I have the body with all the symptoms, and he doesn’t. He was nervous enough last time, and now it will only be worse. He’s really really really excited… but really scared this is going to be taken away, too. I can’t wait for him to get here so we can just be hopeful together.

When does Den arrive?
Well, right now we’re not sure. He was supposed to get here at 5pm today, but there were a bunch of flight delays and he had to get put on different flights. We’re hoping he gets here sometime tonight.

Did you tell your parents yet?
I did! I waited until I had the digital to show them. I knew showing them a very light second line would not really have any impact, since they don’t understand the whole “a line is a line” thing… and neither one of them has great eyesight anymore, so I didn’t think they’d be able to see it! But this morning when I got the digital I walked out and handed it to my mom and she said, “What does this mean?” She knew, but wanted to make sure. I nodded and she started crying and jumped up and hugged me. Dad also asked, “What does this mean?” and then just said, “Oh! Really?? Already?? Well, good!!” My dad, ever the emotional one, ha! I love them both and I am just so thrilled to be able to share this with them!

Who else knows?
Ummmm… the entire internet, I think!! But you know me, I don’t keep secrets very well at all. ;) And goodness gracious, I love all of my friends… it’s so freaking joyful to read all the celebrations that are going on right now!

As for family, all I’ve told are my parents and brother. My mom asked me today if we were going to tell everyone at easter dinner next week and I told her I didn’t think so. Den and I need to talk about what we want to do, obviously, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to hold off announcing to family until we have seen some ultrasounds and a heartbeat. Not that I wouldn’t tell them about a miscarriage, if that happens, but… I think we both feel a little fragile right now.

And the fear kicks in high gear. My inability to get a dark line on any test just has me wondering why. I did last time – they got progressively darker. I really expected on Monday to get a darker line (or no line – that was my fear) and then I would feel better and I could celebrate. So to just keep getting light lines is driving me crazy. FRER is in the garbage, because 4 tests and they’re all barely visible. Clearblue +/- was an obvious line, but still light. And today I used an Answer brand that Den brought from home – the same brand I used for testing with Devin’s pregnancy. It’s definitely a more solid line than the FRER and came up right away. But it’s still light. Like as light as when I first tested with Devin. And I know you shouldn’t compare tests, especially 1 1/2 years apart, but how can you not? I want to see a dark line so I can stop worrying!

Ugh. Yes, it starts.

Lest anyone thinks I’m ready to go off the deep end today, I did chill out quite a bit.

Here is today’s test (Answer). I am 11dp5dt, or 16dpo.

At least it came up straight away and is thicker and more obvious than the FRERs.

Den and I had a long talk last night and this morning, and really it comes down to the acceptance that nothing is guaranteed, but I currently AM pregnant, and that puts us in a much better place than we were a week ago. At least we know I can still get pregnant with my eggs, that Devin was not a complete fluke, and we have another embryo is storage. That, by itself, is huge!

So we’re just going to have to keep in check our plans for the future until we know more, just take it day by day and be thankful we have what we do. This is a gift, and no matter how light or dark the lines are, it still says pregnant.

Today in a store I wandered into the baby section and didn’t tear up. It was a strange, double-sided feeling as I reached out to touch a soft baby sleeper… hopeful, and yet with so many images of the past sitting right in front of me.

::

Not testing anymore was definitely a good decision for me. It still concerns me, and I still want to “check,” as if it could somehow assuage my fears, but it was nice to wake up this morning and just be pregnant for the day.

I’m also noticing that without something external to rely on I am listening more to my body. Even though my symptoms – and I’m still not sure if I can call all of them symptoms, they could be coincidences – aren’t very strong, I still “feel” pregnant. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s a definite familiarity about it. It actually feels a little strange to be feeling belly twinges and look down and not see a belly, to be starting from the beginning again.

I can definitely see why having some time between a loss and a new pregnancy can be a good thing. I have now spent over a year being not-pregnant, and it took well over 6 months to get used to it. And I think that double-image, being pregnant again without having the big belly where I left off, would have been quite hard without that time to adjust to starting over. I’m also quite happy to have dropped weight and be in the shape I am now when we start this journey again. Not that I wouldn’t have appreciated being pregnant sooner than this… had it happened I would have been thrilled and dealt with the weirdness. But I can see the positives in the wait. I’m here now, and that’s all that matters.

I am feeling so glad that Den is here. I didn’t sleep much more than a couple hours a night for several days before he arrived. Were it not for the pregnancy thing I would have been fine, but it’s just too much stress to deal with alone. There is something so comforting feeling him beside me in bed at night. I’ve had two solid nights of sleep now.

Den is doing much better than I expected, to be honest. Being pregnant again is going to be very stressful for both of us, obviously, but he’s always had a hard time being the observer… it must be doubly hard to place your hopes in something you can’t even feel. I wouldn’t blame him at all if he closed himself off until we knew more… guarded himself. But surprizingly he’s been very encouraging to me, very calming. Oh we’re both scared, but it’s just easier to go through when you have someone’s hand to hold.

::

Late, but here is a pic I took on Monday, 4w1d. It’s a crappy pic and I don’t much like it, but, you know, first belly pic and all.

Interestingly enough I looked back through my first pregnancy’s belly pictures and this one most resembles… 5 weeks. Wow. I thought I had more belly flub left over than that… but apparently I had a bit of belly to start with last time too.