Someone passed on this article about IVF and pregnancy symptoms. It helped, if only a tiny bit. Right now I’ll take anything.

I’m in this very weird limbo-land. I don’t even know if I’m pregnant or not. I mean, I am – the pee-sticks say so – but am I really? I really like to jump into things with two feet, as evidenced by the ticker and me joining due date groups already. I like it. It helps it feel real, helps me really celebrate it. But right now? Not so much. Now I don’t know if I should be celebrating at all.

If this ends in miscarriage I’ll be okay with it – I will. It will suck a lot, but I realized today, when staring at that blood, that it felt a lot like seeing blood last cycle. A lot more like it than I anticipated. I guess I haven’t really bought in yet… I haven’t committed yet. But it also drove home the point that IVF failures feel a hell of a lot more like losses than I gave them credit for. No wonder you start to go off the deep end after multiple failures. But regardless… it’s survivable to me.

What I’m taking from this right now is that I got pregnant with my own eggs!!! If nothing else, if this pregnancy crashes and burns and we have to do it all over again, at least I know that I can still get pregnant… that Devin was not a fluke. I was really starting to wonder, you know. If I ended up with three clear negative cycles in a row I was starting to wonder what the fuck else was wrong and whether or not it was time to start considering other options. This pregnancy feels like hope, like reassurance. I CAN get pregnant, we just have to keep trying.

A second line is still a beautiful sight to behold.