I think I am in some form of pregnancy hell. The spotting comes and goes, comes and goes… never very much, and it goes away, but it’s left me a paranoid freak. I think I go to the bathroom every 10 minutes to check. If I notice any spotting I lay down and take it easy (not like I’m doing anything strenuous while on vacation to start with, though – I’m doing a lot of sitting… and more sitting). Thankfully the spotting has actually been getting less each time… today’s spotting was some very light streaking in my CM, that’s it. And I guess after a point you do stop panicking in quite the same way, after you’ve seen spotting for the fifth time. But holy hell I am tired of this.

I’ll be calling the nurse tomorrow to figure out what they want to do (I would have called yesterday, but weekend and all), I am assuming on tuesday when I get my bloodtest they’ll also have me come in for a check. I just want someone to tell me what’s going on – to either tell me that things don’t look good, or to tell me that things look fine and this spotting is just one of those things. I just need some freaking answers here.

Getting the spotting to stop would be wonderful, too. If this keeps up I am going to be a fucking wreck by the end of this. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to function at work. I am quite nervous about going to work and having to sit in a chair and walk around and do all the things I’m supposed to do and somehow actually concentrate on what I’m doing without screwing up royally. I just really don’t know how I’m going to be functional.

::

We did something today I’m not entirely sure we should have done – we told extended family. We had no intentions to, you see. But then after dinner my mom did a little presentation for us.

Everyone in the family and extended friends, the huge circle of people that my mom knows, has been saving pop bottles and cans. Here in BC you can return them for a small refund, usually $.05 per can, more for bottles. So all these people have been saving them and giving them to my mom, who cashes them in and puts the money in a savings account. She has been doing this for a year now. She also ran a small 50-50 raffle tonight, with half the proceeds going into the savings account.

And tonight she presented us a check for $500. For our “IVF fund.” They know we have insurance coverage, but we pay copays every cycle for the retrieval, the transfer, the meds. And my mom has made it her mission to ensure that the entire family pitched in to help us with this journey. It really is very overwhelming.

So Den and I made a snap decision. I thanked everyone for their help and support, told them how very much it means to us. And then I told them that it was all worthwhile, our last try worked. I said it was still very early and anything could happen, but right at this moment I am pregnant and they all helped me get here. I choked up at the end.

There were congratulations and some tears (not all from me). It felt a little weird to be congratulated right now, when I’m still so unsure of things. And yet it did feel right to tell. After all we have been through, after all the support we have been given, in a way it felt like we owed it to them all to share in the happy news too, not just if there is bad news. I know, we don’t actually owe anyone – my mom even said afterwards, “You didn’t have to tell everyone! I wasn’t going to say anything!” And yet… this is a part of our journey, too.

Plus, if this does all go to hell, I will not be the one spreading that news. I go home tomorrow and won’t be back for another year. Yes, that definitely factors in. If I miscarried, I would definitely tell all family about it. So why should they just wait for the crappy news?

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I was really gagging hard this morning – no throw up, but almost a couple of times. It went away by afternoon, though. It was a very interesting combo of, “YAY, gagging!!” and “Shit, already?!”

All the food today has also made me horrifically gassy. Burping and farting. Charming. I think I’m going to have to eat smaller portions from now on… and really be careful what I’m eating.