[6w2d]

I survived the Thursday.

I woke up and felt very good, actually… not nauseated at all. Not very bloated either – I’ve been not-bloated for a few days now. In true pregnant-woman paranoia I grabbed my boobs to make sure they still felt swollen. They do. And then I reminded myself that I’m rarely nauseated in the morning anyways. Duh. So I got up, had a shower, got dressed, grabbed a cup of Carnation Instant Breakfast (strawberry!) and went out the door to work. Breakfast was delish! Very good. I could totally get used to it. At work I pulled out one of my fruit-and-nut bars and was gnawing away very slowly.

About an hour and a half later I started feeling not-good. I went to the bathroom and it all came up. Every bit of that lovely breakfast milkshake. That at least made me feel better that the morning sickness is indeed still in full swing, but unfortunately left my stomach sans-breakfast. Damnit. I needed those calories.

After that it just got worse. I didn’t throw up much more the rest of the day, I kept down most of my lunch and snacks, but I bloated up like a balloon. I have no idea what that was about, it started after I lost my breakfast, and it just didn’t let up. So then that made me feel sick and very gaggy with all that gas, and every time I’d burp I’d gag and sometimes heave. Fantastic.

I came home and ate a sandwich for dinner, which was also delish. Den cooked us a ham yesterday for dinner, and I had leftovers today. I’ve been craving ham sandwiches, but refuse to eat any kind of deli meat from stores or ready-made packages. But Den reminded me I can BUY a ham, and we can COOK it, then we know it’s safe! I was so damn giddy. So we had hot honey-ham and potatos and corn for dinner yesterday, a real sit-down dinner like real families have. It was… peculiar. But tasted good. :)

So no bleeding episode at work! I have been waking up to brown spotting almost every single morning for a week and a half. This seems a little odd to me, but not bad. The odd part is – why does it happen at night when I’m sleeping, and not during the day when I’m moving around? No answer to that one. But it seems to be the “new normal” of this pregnancy and I’m fine with that.

It does look like I’m going to make it through to Monday for my ultrasound. I’m glad I’ll be close to seven weeks, as we will for sure see something (or not). No wondering and waiting. I’m done waiting. Just show me the heartbeat, that’s all.

I am just so relieved. Two days ago we found a considerably sized lump on Zeeke’s jaw. It wasn’t soft and squishy like a fat deposit, but it seemed to appear out of nowhere. So today Den took him off to the vet’s to get it looked at. This dog has had so many different things wrong with him (unlike my other dogs, who have only ever had to go to the vet for vaccines and spay), and I kept thinking, shit, what if it’s a tumor. My brother’s dog died of cancer a year and a half ago. Even though Zeeke is a major asshole 90% of the time, he’s a part of our family. I was so happy when Den came home, gave me the paperwork, and told me that the vet took a sample of the lump and found a bunch of bacteria and white blood cells… that means infection, not tumor. We just have to tuck some meds in peanut butter for 2 weeks and he should be fine.

::

Today I had brown spotting in the morning, nothing the rest of the day. I’ve started feeling… twinges. In my cervix. I couldn’t even call them cramps, just like little tweaks. But I don’t like it.

The anxiety is starting to creep back in. I’m most nervous about tomorrow. I know it makes no logical sense that anything would happen on any kind of predictable timeline, but last week Thursday I had the bleeding. I just wish I could stay home in bed all day. I don’t like having to work, to be active on my feet. I’m just… nervous. Earlier this week I was feeling really good and thinking it would be no problem to get to Monday, but now I feel like I might not get there without another meltdown.

I realize I’m not going to feel okay until we see the heartbeat. And even then I think the relief is only going to last about a week. I’m slowly coming to accept that, but it makes me angry that I have to live in these little short bursts of fear and temporary well-being.

[6w0d]

I forgot how bad the nausea is. Wow. And this time I actually have to WORK all day? It’ll be interesting to see how tomorrow goes – how am I supposed to manage it when I have to puke but a customer is in front of me? Anyone else had to deal with that one? I’m practicing my breathing.

Thankfully so far I am not throwing up newly-eaten food – I need to keep it down. It seems to be the empty stomach that is the worst, although the too-full stomach is almost as bad. Snack snack snack. I went to the grocery store to stock myself up on snacks of all kinds: yogurt, fruit cups, bread (for toast, etc), granola bars, etc. My little mini bagels are working well for me too. I also got myself some Carnation Instant Breakfast for when I’m running out the door. I’m trying to make myself a little list of foods that don’t make me queasy, for easy reference.

But at the same time… I’m not willing to start unisom (which is what I took when I was pregnant with Devin, for the nausea) or any other anti-nausea meds. I need the daily reassurance. As miserable as it makes me feel physically, emotionally it’s helping a lot. It feels normal, it feels good. It feels pregnant. I’m sure at some point after some ultrasounds I’ll say enough is enough and start the unisom. But I’m just taking that one day at a time.

I definitely have been relaxing slightly every day that passes. I have had some very tiny bit of brown spotting – which isn’t freaking me out much anymore – but otherwise it’s been all prometrium. I realized how much better it is when today I felt the prometrium leaking and didn’t go running to the bathroom to double check.

I do need more sleep, however. I am really struggling on 7 hours.

How far along? 6 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 128.2 (-2.0)

Maternity clothes? Work pants and sweats, the rest no.

Stretch marks? No.

Sleep: Had a horrible night due to nausea and napping too much the day before. But as long as I’m tired I’m still sleeping really well.

Best moment this week: Confirming that there’s something in my uterus at the ultrasound!

Movement: nope

Food cravings/aversions: I find myself craving sweets a little bit – not chocolate, but like pastries and candies. Craving tuna, which of course I can only have once a week. Arg.

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Being able to eat without puking.

What I am looking forward to: The nausea stopping!

Weekly Wisdom: It doesn’t make you a bad person to ask for what you need. Sometimes we just need some reassurance that everything is okay.

Milestones: Morning sickness kicking in for real.

Symptoms: Full, tingly breasts; throwing up, especially when I have an empty stomach; very sore legs; gas; bloating; tired.

[5w6d]

To all those who – when I mentioned preparing for the terrible morning sickness again – said, “Every pregnancy is different, next time you might not get sick at all!”

YOU WERE WRONG!

Ohhh, suddenly I remember all too clearly those days on end of heaving over a toilet even when I had nothing left to throw up but stomach bile. Nasty, horrible, gag.

I knew this was going to come back. I have stomach issues as it is, and I wasn’t surprized at all when I got morning sickness with Devin like I did. I think it’s just my pregnancy lot in life.

But I have to say… it’s tremendously reassuring. I could do without the bile, but oh I’ll take what I can get to let me know that everything is okay.

[5w5d]

Today I opened up my blog starting at my BFP with Devin and read the next few weeks worth of entries. This is the first time since his death that I’ve been able to do that. I’ve re-read his birth story a hundred times. I’ve even re-read the last few weeks leading up to his death/birth, looking for something, looking for clues, for signs. But I just couldn’t choke back my grief enough to read back to the first few days, weeks, months, when I was so blissfully happy and didn’t know what was coming. It feels like the worst kind of dramatic irony, the audience knowing what is coming while the writer, the protagonist, doesn’t. It’s just so bitter.

But now being pregnant myself, I found myself wondering how this time differs from that time. I have memories, of course, about this and that, but as we all know, memories can be foggy and incorrect. I have some notes here and there, but they leave a lot out.

So today I read. And I smiled.

The old me mentioned foot cramps. I blinked in surprize, since I don’t remember that from early pregnancy, I just remember them in my third trimester. I’ve been having those this time too – I thought it was earlier this time, but I guess not.

It also seems that my nausea started at 5w4d. First dry heaving, 6w2d. Started really throwing up at around 7w5d. This time? Well I’m 5w5d and have already thrown up several times. One can only hope that this means it’s going to end sooner this time.

[5w5d]

I’m sorry if anyone has been worried about me – I am fine, just busy! Thursday night I went to a zen group session; Friday I hung out with some friends; and Saturday I took a nap and then Den and I went to dinner with some other friends and didn’t get home until after midnight. I am exhausted! Which explains why I slept until noon today. (Well, half the reason. The other half is the baby and my inherent laziness and love of sleep.) I am feeling much more chipper today, especially hearing the vacuum cleaner going downstairs (that I am not running!). Nothing fills me with as much love for my husband as listening to him clean the house.

The best thing that has happened so far is getting that emergency ultrasound. If I hadn’t gotten that I’d still be wondering if I was miscarrying, or if it was ectopic. Now when I get sharp twinges on my left side I just smirk. I’ve been able to relax – not fully, of course, but a good several notches down from where I was. It’s a nice relief, a weight lifted. Not that I’m not still worried – I am plenty worried. But it’s reassuring to look at that picture and say, “But right NOW I am okay.”

Thursday I had that one incident of bright red blood, then after that pink as it finished clearing out. Friday morning I had brown spotting, then nothing. Saturday I had nothing at all. Today so far nothing. That’s helping me step it down some, too. I’m trying to relax into enjoying this a tiny bit, rather than being wound so tight.

My boobies can’t make up their minds. Earlier in the week they were full and heavy. Thursday they seemed to shrink back down (feeding into my fears). Today that are swollen again. I bounce between my two bra sizes – there’s only a small difference, but an obvious one.

The bloating is still in full force. Yesterday we went over to a friend’s for dinner, and as usual I ate too much. I am so hungry, and everything tastes good. But then I bloat up like crazy and this morning it felt like I had a rock sitting just under my ribcage…. a big lump of food. Ugh. No barfies, just very uncomfortable.

Oh holy hell, I’m getting tired again.

[5w2d]

“Hysterics” isn’t a term that can normally be applied to me, but today it came as close as ever. It ended up okay, but I’m still very shaken.

I had two very very mild cases of spotting the last couple of days. Beigy in color, very watered down. Both times I would breathe in deep, and say to myself, “It’s not red. As long as it’s not red, it’s okay.” I’ve been an obsessive TP-checker because I just wanted to check, no blood, it’s still okay, everything’s okay.

Today I was starting to relax a little. I felt nothing out of the ordinary, though my symptoms have lessened for the time being. Still on edge, but I wasn’t running to the bathroom every hour.

Right before lunch I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there it was – bright red blood. I think I just stared in shock for a second, then wiped again and again. More red blood. I checked internally, hoping maybe that was it – there was more. All I could picture in my head was it all being over, that there’s nothing left inside me.

I bought more Answer brand pregnancy tests. The mistake, I thought to myself, was in testing only twice, then nothing for over a week. I didn’t watch it get darker, I had nothing to reassure me. I thought I was okay with it, but I’m really not. A few days ago I took a digital that I found stashed in my bathroom, but it didn’t make me feel any better. (In fact, it made me feel more nervous, knowing that it would say “pregnant” no matter if my hcg was 50 or 50000. I didn’t even take a picture of the damn thing, just threw it out.) So now here I am, thinking my hcg must be dropping, I’m going to miscarry, the bloodtest results won’t be until tomorrow. I think I really expected the test line to be light. It wasn’t – that test line nearly wiped out the control line. Okay. Sort of helped. …. well not really.

Minutes later I was sitting at the table, sobbing. I just kept saying, “I can’t do this again.”

The nurses called me back and told me to come in – that, based on my numbers last week they should be able to see something. I know damn well they won’t see much at a little past 5 weeks, but at this point I was envisioning an empty uterus, so I would take anything at all. I picked up Den on the way – I wanted him with me. Not like he could actually get any work done after I’d called him bawling, anyways.

We drove pretty quietly, holding hands. I repeated, “I can’t do this again.” Not just surviving another loss, but going through this hell again if this one did fail. I just don’t know if I can do it. Den agreed with me. There was silence as the fear rode with us. I don’t want to say this is our last hope – we could do a FET and another stims if we wanted. But I don’t know. Later I said to him with a very sad, self-depreciating sense of black humor, “What do they say about people who keep doing the same thing, getting the same results, and expect things to change?” Everyone says we are so strong, so determined to keep going… but everyone has a breaking point, everyone has a line. Three losses might just be ours.

It weighed heavy on my mind as we walked into the ultrasound room. I felt almost devoid of expectation. The last time I was pregnant and in that room we found out it was ectopic and it was over. I don’t know if I could really comprehend getting good news.

She inserted the wand and I saw ovaries and other lumps and bumps cross the screen. She swept quickly through the uterus and… there it was. A little black blob. So simple. She zoomed in and we could see the yolk sac. Too early for anything else to be seen. But it was there. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back into the pillow, squeezing Den’s hand tight. Tears welled up. It is a very guarded relief – I still will feel restless until we can see the fetus on the screen, see the heartbeat. But hell this was something.

There was definitely only one sac. She checked my tube, she peeked at my ovaries, she scanned around the gestational sac. Nothing of note, nothing of worry. She explained as she went – I absolutely love her for that. Nothing in the tube. Ovaries “puffy” but not abnormally large. No bleeding around the sac. No concerns in the uterus. No sign of bleeding. She also said my cervix is closed up tight – even though the outside end of it feels open-ish to me. (Which I know is normal after having had a vaginal birth.) As long as the length of it is closed, it’s fine and good.

Her guess is that it’s vascular… that blood vessels in my uterus are changing, adapting to the pregnancy, and once in a while will release some blood. She said especially after a full-term pregnancy things are just… different in there. (Because I had absolutely no bleeding at all with Devin, except for the implantation bleeding.) This really helped me visualize what is going on in there, gave me an alternate theory rather than my paranoias. I got to see with my own eyes that the sac is safe, that I am still pregnant at this moment in time. I’m going to have to re-frame my expectations, though… that bleeding doesn’t necessarily mean the end. I will have to prepare myself for seeing more along the way.

After all of that I went back to work. I figure all I do is sit at a desk, and honestly having something to do is better than sitting at home thinking too much. My coworkers were all very concerned for me – they’re so sweet, giving me hugs and letting out a sigh of relief. My boss told me that I should never ever worry about work, if I ever need to go, then just GO. I am so glad I am working where I am. I really don’t know how I’d get through this without their support.

Tonight I went to a local meditation group, about “mindfulness” and being present in the now. I didn’t want to go anywhere tonight, but I thought it was kind of the perfect topic. It was. The excerpt that was read mentioned Hope and Expectation – how so much of our suffering is because of those two things. I really want to write about it all tomorrow, I had so many thoughts. For now I’m going to go lay down, practice my breathing, and be thankful that right now I am pregnant – regardless of what came before and what will come later, right now there is something to be thankful for, something beautiful. I really can’t lose that amidst the fear.

Today I crawled into bed for a mid-day nap, rolled over to face Den (who was also having a nap), and pouted. “I threw up today.”

Denis gave a huge grin and replied, “YAY!!!”

::

I wore my new underbelly maternity pants to work today, and boy was I thankful I bought them. They fit quite well right now, and can be loosened to continue fitting as I grow – I expect they’ll stop being comfortable at some point, but by then they’ll have earned their keep.

I also learned that pretty much all of the shirts I own are form-fitting in one way or another. This is not good right now. I lowered my chair a little bit and tried to stay close to the counter so that customers couldn’t see. Not that they’re really looking, but I’m a pretty slight person, especially now that I’ve lost weight, and my bloated belly looks definitively pregnant. I don’t expect any customers will be brave enough to ask about it for a little while, but I highly doubt I’m going to be able to hide it for long. I may have to buy new, bulky sweaters.

Trying to hide this is a large change from last time I was pregnant, with Devin – I wore fitted pregancy clothes very happily, proudly parading my belly everywhere. Which was in part because I had little fear of anything going wrong, but also in part because I wasn’t working with the public, I either saw the same people very day or strangers who would never see me again. I really hate this in-between, hate feeling nervous about people recognizing that I’m pregnant and possibly asking me about it in a month or two. I don’t know when I’m going to feel okay with that.

::

I’m feeling kind of angry. I really dislike this anxious, paranoid mess I’ve turned into.

After Devin I knew I was going to be very anxious in the third trimester… but I thought the rest of it would be easier, because it all went so well. And then the ectopic happened. And now I’m a complete and utter mess in the first trimester too. I seriously am doing bathroom checks every hour, and only about 1/3 of those do I actually have to pee. I’m checking, checking, constantly checking for blood. Which I realize is kind of futile and maybe a little bit idiotic – I mean, it’s not like I could do anything about it, it’s not like by being vigilant I can prevent something from happening. Whatever this is, whatever is going on in there, it’s out of my control. But I can’t stop doing it. It reassures me for the next hour that, at least right at this moment, there is nothing wrong.

I didn’t spend a lot of time grieving the ectopic. I was angry, oh yes I was angry – and I was feeling hopeless about getting pregnant. But I was happy to leave those two weeks of spotting hell behind me and move on. But now it appears I am flashing back frequently. Being 5 weeks pregnant, with my first ultrasound right around the corner, I keep thinking about it…. about that ultrasound, about the bad news. Which then of course triggers remembering the other, far more horrifying ultrasound, the last one with Devin. Ultrasounds and me are not friends right now. I’d like to change that, but right now they just honestly scare the crap out of me. On one hand I really want this ultrasound to come sooner so I can see the heartbeat and we can be relieved and reassured and look forward from here… but on the other hand I kind of want to avoid it as long as possible. I have fears in my head of going in and finding an empty sac… that, like the ectopic, we’re going to go in and find out that there’s no baby. It’s really hard for me to feel happy and truly pregnant until we know that something is in there.

The ectopic fucked me up even more than I already was… which, after a stillbirth, is pretty damn bad.

::

I talked to the nurse today. This week has been so much harder than I expected, so I called and said I’d take them up on their offer of another blood test for reassurance, and asked if they could move up my ultrasound even just to next friday. She said they’re going to see what my numbers are on friday and go from there… if they’re nice and high and they are pretty certain they’ll see something they might have me come in earlier, but she’s going to talk to the U/S tech about it.

I felt very relieved after that phone call. I think the stress of waiting 2 weeks was getting to me… it just feels like an impossibly long time to be in this state. Even the thought that it could be next week is really helping take me down a few notches.

I really need to chill out, I know – but I have no idea how to do that. I think I’m going to schedule a massage, not just to help me relax, but because my shoulders are a mess of knots (again) and my legs are still aching… it would do my body good. I really need to find other ways to re-center myself, I’ve felt the last few days like I’m spiraling out of control and it’s not a fun feeling. But how I can feel okay until I know that there’s a baby in there and that everything is okay?

[5w0d]

I am 5 weeks today. I give a (very small) sigh of relief and thanks. One week without bleeding. One week without anything catastrophic.

Today the nausea really settled in – no puking yet, but I was wavering at the edge all day, stomach gurgling, my gag reflex triggering. I just tried to breathe deeply and settle the stomach. I don’t want to take any meds or anything yet, because I like feeling it… I like the reassurance. It feels normal, it feels… pregnant. I’m happy with that.

Unfortunately I drank some gingerale this afternoon thinking it might quell the nausea. I’m not even sure if it did or not, since I was distracted by the wicked stomachache it gave me – I should know better than to drink anything carbonated!

My legs were aching today. Now I remember aching legs and knees from my third trimester with Devin, I had some awful days. But now? What is with that? It didn’t matter how I sat – properly at a desk, with my legs crossed, with my knees pulled up… achy achy. I’m now on my recliner in the hope that gets the blood flow circulating. (And no, I don’t currently have the option of taking a bath. I am so, so looking forward to getting our new heating system installed, for that reason alone!)

I’m still very jumpy, but calming down a little bit. Surprizingly, being a part of an online pregnancy group is helping a lot. I know for many after infertility and/or loss joining one of those due date groups can be a very hard thing to do. Yes, it can definitely be hard seeing so many who got pregnant easily, who are on their third, fourth child. But today I realized that I am feeling very soothed hearing everyone talk about the same symptoms, the same fears that I have, especially those who have had losses (of which there are many more than I expected). I keep telling myself, I have just as good a chance at having a live baby as any one of them. I feel good. I had positive pregnancy tests. I had good betas. I’m in the same boat as all of the rest of them. What’s different is my history – it affects my state of mind, but doesn’t affect my future.

Now that I am pregnant, now that I’ve reached this long-awaited milestone, suddenly I’m faced with the realization that this is going to be a lot harder than I expected. Just like with cycling, I just want to jump to the end and know that everything is going to be okay. I’ve done this before – it was fun, I enjoyed it. I’m ready to move on now. I’m ready to bring home the baby. I’m ready to stop living in constant fear and anxiety and never knowing if my heart will survive this trip.

I look at babies and children in strollers on the street and wonder how the hell it ever even happens. There is just so much that can go wrong, so many losses, so many defects, so many accidents. And you and I, we’re here. Somehow we exist. The more I learn, the less I understand.