Thank goodness we got to see the gummi bear today, or it would have just been an all over not-fun day. I felt so sick – and not just nausea. I know that digestion slows when you’re pregnant, plus everything’s shifting around in there… well it’s been a while, and I was very stopped up. Things today were not pleasant. The ultrasound also clearly shows my ovaries being squished to a more oblong-than-round shape and being pressed towards my back, oh I can feel those. I don’t think they were still this big when I was pregnant with Devin… they most certainly were not this sensitive.

I most definitely feel pregnant. I feel very, very pregnant. And I’m totally thrilled and in acceptance about that. But seeing the baby on the monitor… it’s a little unreal. I just want to stare and stare and try to convince myself that it’s really in there… in me. With Devin I walked into every ultrasound fully confident that there was a baby, it was okay, and I was happily carrying it. Now there’s a separation. I know that pregnancy does not necessarily equal baby. My brain has allowed myself to fully latch on to the pregnancy part, but is much more reticent to accept this idea of a baby.

It’s only 9pm but I think I need to go to bed in order to be even halfway functional tomorrow.

Today I had my last follow-up with my RE. I still get nervous before every ultrasound, but I think with every good one I get a tiny bit better. I honestly just kind of have to turn my brain off for the few hours before the ultrasound and just go in like everything is okay.

Of course soon as she started the ultrasound I could tell it was there, and much bigger! It’s so funny to see it taking up so much of my uterus now! Soon the heartbeat came into view, and it just looked so much… bigger, stronger. The blob now has little arm and leg buds, and a huge head. I said, “It’s a Gummi Bear!”

Heartbeat measured 171 bpm, which has gone up just like it should. CRL measures 8w1d, exactly one day ahead, just like last time.

And then she flipped a switch and said, “It’s a little early to try this, but…” and there it was, the heartbeat out loud through the speakers! Baby was facing us straight on, heart right out front, so she thought it would work, even early. What a gorgeous sound! I asked her for a printout of the screen too. It helps to replace old memories with new ones… to see a jagged heartbeat on the line.

(Head is bottom right…. butt and leg buds top left, arm buds in the middle.)

I’m now released to my OB. My intake appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday.

Liz sent me the lyrics to this song – “Capri” by Colbie Caillat – and I had to go look it up on YouTube. So so beautiful. It’s reduced me to tears tonight, closing my eyes and letting the waves of gratitude wash over me. She is me. I have life inside. So thankful, so very thankful, for this blessing.

::

Tonight I wanted to find my “Week By Week” pregnancy book, which I knew was stashed somewhere in the basement along with all of Devin’s things. I went down there, picking my way through the cluttered basement, and ended up tapping my lip and staring thoughtfully at the bins of baby clothes. I asked Den to bring them up. So I just sorted through the Newborn and 0-3M things to see what, if any, is unisex enough to be used for a girl, since we have a while to wait to find out what this one is.

It didn’t upset me to go through Devin’s things. I remember putting them away into those bins, crying silently and touching every item as I lovely tucked it away for long-term storage, never to be used. I remember, but it seems like so long ago. It was so long ago. I honestly felt joy at pulling them out. The blue, fuzzy-with-dinosaurs footed sleeper I bought for him; the white two-piece GAP outfit that was a gift. It was like finding long-lost treasured items. I remember these! I love these! Maybe they’ll actually get to be used.

For a moment I was able to let go of the fears and just think about how beautiful the future could be.

I was going to write a big long email to my friend, but then realized, what are blogs for?

::

We’re having problems nick-naming this little baby. I’ve gone through huge lists in my head, Den and I have debated back and forth, tossing out names, but nothing has felt right to me. I’ve realized that this is for two reasons.

One, because it honestly seems a little scary to name it. Even though we’ve heard the heartbeat now, we know it’s in there. I guess there’s just a part of me that is fighting the urge to take it to that level. I’m still waiting to see if it will stick around. I’m waiting to see if I’ll accept that.

The other reason is a lot larger and I think a lot more integral. The thing is – and I realize that I’m doing it, but it happens anyways – is that every name I judge by, “If we lost this baby like Devin, would the name still work for me?” Sheepie for Devin was just so… perfect. We got so many sheep-related things, memorial items with which to keep him close to us. It was an easily accessible theme that would have worked just as perfectly for a live baby as a stillborn one. So I find myself worrying about names that they’re not accessible in the same way, that we won’t be able to find memorial items with the theme on them, that it just won’t have the right symbolism. And I know it’s kind of ridiculous, because we’re hoping to have a live baby. I’m willing to bet that once we bring home a live baby the whole pregnancy-nickname thing just won’t have so much importance. It’ll be a cute memory, but it just won’t be of utmost importance like Sheepie is.

So I’m obsessing over this. Has to be gender-neutral, cute without being obnoxious, have appropriate symbolism, be something common and yet not too common, and feel “right” to me to use while I’m pregnant. As you can see, I’m having problems. And I don’t really need suggestions… I’ve been through lists upon lists. I’m just waiting for something to “speak” to me.

::

Tea is the most fantastic drink on the planet right now. (And, yes, it’s decaf.) Some sugar and cream…. oohhhh heaven. Red Rose is my absolute favorite.

Hot chocolate, my normal favorite? Tastes good. Does not sit well. (Confirmed this morning.)

::

I’m so touchy about this pregnancy and it feels sometimes like it’s random. Half the time I want to be all, “I’m pregnant, look at my belly!” The other half I’m wearing baggy shirts and wincing when someone mentions to someone else that “Natalie’s pregnant!” I waffle. A lot. Some days I just feel so… vulnerable. Like others’ joy could just puncture me. Like it shows me what I should be feeling.

Even stupid, small, fun things like, “I think it’s a girl/boy!” or “I think you’ll go late! __ is a good day for a baby!” Some days I just want to snap, “You don’t know that. You don’t know anything, no one does. It is what it is, and there’s no sense looking too far ahead.” And then I feel completely mortified for the thought, because hell, they were just being happy and conversing and joining in on the pregnancy babble. I absolutely positively cannot fault anyone for that. The reaction is all mine, all based directly out of this gutwrenching fear.

It’s not that I’m not happy or joyful. I am. And some days I have the most beautiful moments. But mostly? It’s fear. Fear and anxiety. I’m scared to buy in to this, because I’m scared it will get taken away. And it’s not like I think I can somehow protect myself from more pain – I know that’s not possible – but it just makes it impossible to feel unfettered with those fears lurking around. That joy is there, but cautious… qualified. If there’s a baby… if there’s a heartbeat… if I make it to 13 weeks. There’s always an if.

I want to love being pregnant, like I did with Devin. I want to be all happy-happy-joy-joy. But I’m not, and I’m still not okay with that.

I would love to say that I escaped this thursday without incident, but alas, I cannot.

It started well enough, with all the sleep. But then of course I got up and went to the bathroom and there was blood in my CM. Not a lot, not scary scary, but it made me seriously irritated because, dude, it’s been DAYS of no bleeding and I was finally starting to feel relaxed and stop expecting it.

My nausea wasn’t that bad, so I didn’t take anything for it this morning. I wanted to feel some nausea first, you know? So I got to work, ate breakfast, oh there’s the nausea. Lost my breakfast. Whoops. Took a zofran, and felt pretty much fine for hours.

But then came lunch. It didn’t even look very appetizing, but I had to eat something and it was what I had. I had: a mini microwaved pizza, a bagel with cream cheese, and some diced pear. It didn’t sit too well. No, it really didn’t sit well. In fact, less than 15 minutes later my stomach started cramping. With the blood this morning that freaked me the hell out, so I of course checked: no blood (hadn’t had any more at all today). And the cramping felt like stomach. But it was wicked, awful cramps that stopped me in my tracks, clutching my stomach. I ended up in the bathroom, throwing up my entire lunch and then some, then getting bad diarrhea. I’d go back to my desk, sit there for 5 minutes, then go running again. My stomach gurgled and cramped and I sat there with my head in my hands, whimpering. And this was not a nausea thing… I wasn’t even nauseous through the whole thing. It was like my stomach just ejected everything.

I did call the clinic and spoke to the nurse. I had asked the receptionist to speak to the on-call doc, but she said she could get one of the nurses on the line, that was great. So when I got transferred to her I started out with, “I’m not bleeding.” She replied, “OH GOOD, I get nervous when I hear your name.” I told her what was going on and she told me to take it easy and try to keep fluids down – if I can’t keep anything at all down I need to call the doctor this evening and possibly go in to triage for fluids.

I think it was the cream cheese – I just have a hunch. But it could be a bug I picked up somewhere.

I ended up leaving work when I thought I was okay to drive home, and laying in bed for a little bit. I hugged Sheepie, which made me cry, because I am hugging a stuffed animal placeholder instead of my son.

Den came home with some pedialyte and is forcing me to sip it. It’s staying down, too. It’s been a couple of hours and I haven’t had any more episodes, so I think maybe my stomach did what it had to do and I’m starting to recover now. Hopefully.

But I really, really hate Thursdays.

With the nausea as bad as it’s been (all day, 24/7) I finally decided to take some unisom. It was my magic pill when I was pregnant with Devin, really helped with the nausea for as long as I needed it to. Unfortunately last time I wasn’t working full time like I am now. I took that pill and felt like I’d been hit by a mac truck. A wall of exhaustion. I wasn’t nauseous all day, which was great… but I was falling asleep at my desk instead. So I called the nurses and asked for something else. They put in a prescription for Zofran, I’ll pick that up from the pharmacy in a little bit.

I was supposed to go to a support meeting last night, and I had fully intended to go…. but considering it was a half hour drive in the dark, and I was dozing off just sitting still, I thought it might be smart to skip it. I crawled into bed and fell asleep… for 12 hours. I do remember getting up once to pee, but that was it. Out cold. I thought I’d wake up wide awake in the middle fo the night and putter around online, but… nope. I guess I really needed to catch up on my sleep.

It’s really weird not feeling constantly pukey. I mean, it’s really nice being able to eat things and function without staying 5 steps from the bathroom, but it’s also… disconcerting. I find myself checking my other symptoms to make sure they’re still there. Boobs still swollen? Check. Ovaries twinging? Check. Bloated? Check check. And this is just days after a really good ultrasound! I don’t know, with the baby so tiny and all it feels like it could all just poof and disappear on me at any second.

I am really looking forward to getting into my second trimester… to getting a real belly (instead of this bloat belly), to feeling movement, and to maybe stop worrying about miscarriage quite so much. I just want to move forward. It still feels far too tenuous.

How far along? 7 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 131.0 (Total: -0.2) (Week: +1.8)

Maternity clothes? Pants yes.

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Horrible. Nausea and indigestion keeps me up all damn night, sometimes running for the bathroom, sometimes just rolling around moaning.

Best moment this week: Saw the heartbeat on ultrasound!!!!

Movement: Nope.

Food cravings/aversions: Milk is TERRIBLE. Sweets, while they sound good, seem to make me sick after I eat them. Salads not craving much anymore at all. Craving seafood, shrimp. Any kind of plain carbs are good, sandwiches, bagels etc.

Belly Button in or out? In, but tender.

What I miss: Sleeping peacefully.

What I am looking forward to: Sleeping peacefully.

Weekly Wisdom: Sick is a good sign… but not terribly fun.

Milestones: Saw the heartbeat; all-day nausea really hit hard; they told me I can stop the estrogen and progesterone supplements (but I don’t know if I feel okay with stopping cold-turkey); started telling Den’s family the news!

Symptoms: Nausea nausea OMFG nausea. All the time. Throwing up so freaking hard. Boobs are sore and swollen, I have to be careful how I sleep. Still very bloated after eating food. The other body aches have slacked off, thank goodness. Also wicked tired, partially because I’m having trouble sleeping!

The most beautiful sight in the world.

My hands were clammy. Even though I kept reminding myself how sick I feel, how good I feel, how the spotting has stopped… even still, I still worry. I don’t think the worry will ever end.

The nurse and ultrasound tech came in and started the scan and there was the little blob inside the sac. I held my breath for a moment as she scanned slowly through it, and there… there. Movement. A tiny little swoosh-swoosh as the heart beat. 128 beats per minute.

The baby measures at about a day ahead, which means they put for my due date May 24th. So all my medical records will be off by a day again – I think it’s my lot in life.

My next ultrasound will be next Tuesday.

They asked who my OB was and I hedged. I mentioned that I had thought about asking if Dr. W. was taking new patients. I had met him years ago, back when I was searching for an GYN in the area, and really liked him. When I was pregnant with Devin he wasn’t doing OB patients, no deliveries. He ended up leaving the practice and ended up at the OB group at the hospital…. the group that shares the office with my RE clinic. So I’ve been mulling it over. Well the nurse thought this was a fantastic idea and went running off to get me in. She said they do have to limit how many patients they take on, but that they “have an in.” My intake with the nurse is scheduled for Oct 21.

I’m just… in awe. A week and a half ago there was nothing but a yolk sac there. Now there’s this baby – a little living being with a heartbeat, growing inside me. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that. How strange and wonderful and absolutely amazing. I just want to cry tears of joy, of gratitude.

There’s a BABY in there!

[6w4d]

Since I have no more stories to regale you with that do not involve some form of vomit I will spare you all the details and post something else instead.

Mel posted this YouTube clip of John Lennon singing Real Love, and I had to go hunt down the lyrics. She was right, I definitely think about this possible life inside me, and how I have been waiting. (But no I did not cry – not that hormonal yet.)

And then Mel wrote an entry about Where The Wild Things Are (a book that I – I admit – have never read). This is the kind of post that makes you pause afterward to just let the thoughts sit with you. It really did make me want to cry. Because we really do all wish to disappear into our own little magical world of our homes and dreams – the world we wish we lived in.

::

I mentioned how last week I went to a group that was talking about the Zen ideas of finding happiness. I haven’t written about it because I’m still trying to sort it out myself. The idea is that it is Hopes and Desires – the two things that we build so much of our lives on and around – are what bring us so much unhappiness. It’s this idea of how our life should be, of how we would be happier with something else. Of course no life unfolds how we plan it, and we sit and feel upset over what we don’t have rather than what we do have. In the practice of Zen you give up all desire and simply accept life as it is.

And I can see that, in many things. My husband drives with a very specific idea in his head about how his drive should go, and he gets very angry when it doesn’t go that way. He spends most of his time in the car being angry. I, on the other hand, am a pretty zen driver most of the time. Traffic is traffic, my commute to work can take 20 minutes or it can take 40, and if I have to sit in a line of traffic I turn up the music and start singing. The cars in front of me, the traffic lights, the idiots crossing the street in front of us even though we have the green light – all these things are out of my control. I’m able to accept that, let it go, and just exist. I am in my car, I am warm, I am listening to music, and I will eventually get to where I am going.

I have never been what you would call a “driven” person – no real career aspirations, no huge motivation pushing me. But I always had a lot of dreams. I was the child sketching out drawings of the house she was going to build one day. I was the daydreamer in the corner, lost in her books. So much of that was pure escapism. But how much of the present did I miss out on because I was so invested in my future, in what could be? That’s just as true of highschool as it is of the last few years of infertility.

And yet… if I didn’t have these dreams, these hopes, I don’t think I would have gotten through 5 IVF cycles, 2 losses, years of waiting. And what would I be missing out on now if I had given up and simply been content with letting go? Maybe I’d truly be happier if I had no desire for children at all, if I could just have let go completely. But maybe I was holding on for a reason. Maybe I needed that anger and frustration to carry me through.

Now here I am. Hope is what gets me through each day. I know it is a fine line, and I have to walk it constantly. If I get too invested in The Future, I get paranoid and scared – no future is guaranteed, I know it better than most. But it seems far too lonely to not allow myself those moments of happy anticipation – it feels like something huge that grief stole from me. It is not expectation, however – life takes its own paths. It is up to us to find peace within the path we find ourselves on.

We can live in the moment as best we can, but we can’t let go of all our hopes and dreams. They’re what make us human. They’re what make us keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[6w3d]

I woke up at 4:30 in the morning just feeling… ill. Not running to the bathroom throwing up, but just… not well. I could feel the pressure just below my ribs. I couldn’t fall back asleep. I ended up getting up for the day – sitting up was far better.

I have discovered that muffins, when nibbled on all day, majorly quell the nausea. I don’t even particularly like the muffins – they’re pretty bland, very filling, the kind of thing that sits in your mouth a long time before you can swallow carefully. But then there is peace in the belly region. I like that.

I am still very wary of milk in any form, but I have a suspicion that yesterday morning’s stomach excursion was due to taking my pills in the morning, rather than in the evening like usual (I forgot the night before). Which is also probably why I felt absolutely fine that morning (until about 2 hours after taking my pills). But I’m still treating milk with much caution. I could be reacting to that, too.

I admit, there have been times when I think to myself, I really loved being pregnant? LOVED? I obviously forgot how miserable the first trimester is – either you’re feeling no symptoms and worried about why not, or you’re sick as hell and throwing up every much-loved food you put in your mouth. And either way you have no belly to show off, no kicks to feel. Obviously pregnancy gets a lot more fun as it goes along. We all know it should be VERY worth it in the end, if all goes well – but oh this part is miserable.

And yet! And yet. I find that even as my body gets sicker, my mind feels freer. Here I am, Friday night, 2 1/2 days before my ultrasound, and I feel good. I actually feel pretty confident. I’m starting to regain my footing, regain my faith in this process. I am so relieved that the anxiety is giving me a nice little break, especially in a time when I thought it would be the worst. I just feel…. good. Pregnant good.

Other than being sick, very tired and a wee bit cranky, that is. But all that is just minor inconveniences, right?