Liz sent me the lyrics to this song – “Capri” by Colbie Caillat – and I had to go look it up on YouTube. So so beautiful. It’s reduced me to tears tonight, closing my eyes and letting the waves of gratitude wash over me. She is me. I have life inside. So thankful, so very thankful, for this blessing.

::

Tonight I wanted to find my “Week By Week” pregnancy book, which I knew was stashed somewhere in the basement along with all of Devin’s things. I went down there, picking my way through the cluttered basement, and ended up tapping my lip and staring thoughtfully at the bins of baby clothes. I asked Den to bring them up. So I just sorted through the Newborn and 0-3M things to see what, if any, is unisex enough to be used for a girl, since we have a while to wait to find out what this one is.

It didn’t upset me to go through Devin’s things. I remember putting them away into those bins, crying silently and touching every item as I lovely tucked it away for long-term storage, never to be used. I remember, but it seems like so long ago. It was so long ago. I honestly felt joy at pulling them out. The blue, fuzzy-with-dinosaurs footed sleeper I bought for him; the white two-piece GAP outfit that was a gift. It was like finding long-lost treasured items. I remember these! I love these! Maybe they’ll actually get to be used.

For a moment I was able to let go of the fears and just think about how beautiful the future could be.