Fears and frustrations
I was going to write a big long email to my friend, but then realized, what are blogs for?
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We’re having problems nick-naming this little baby. I’ve gone through huge lists in my head, Den and I have debated back and forth, tossing out names, but nothing has felt right to me. I’ve realized that this is for two reasons.
One, because it honestly seems a little scary to name it. Even though we’ve heard the heartbeat now, we know it’s in there. I guess there’s just a part of me that is fighting the urge to take it to that level. I’m still waiting to see if it will stick around. I’m waiting to see if I’ll accept that.
The other reason is a lot larger and I think a lot more integral. The thing is – and I realize that I’m doing it, but it happens anyways – is that every name I judge by, “If we lost this baby like Devin, would the name still work for me?” Sheepie for Devin was just so… perfect. We got so many sheep-related things, memorial items with which to keep him close to us. It was an easily accessible theme that would have worked just as perfectly for a live baby as a stillborn one. So I find myself worrying about names that they’re not accessible in the same way, that we won’t be able to find memorial items with the theme on them, that it just won’t have the right symbolism. And I know it’s kind of ridiculous, because we’re hoping to have a live baby. I’m willing to bet that once we bring home a live baby the whole pregnancy-nickname thing just won’t have so much importance. It’ll be a cute memory, but it just won’t be of utmost importance like Sheepie is.
So I’m obsessing over this. Has to be gender-neutral, cute without being obnoxious, have appropriate symbolism, be something common and yet not too common, and feel “right” to me to use while I’m pregnant. As you can see, I’m having problems. And I don’t really need suggestions… I’ve been through lists upon lists. I’m just waiting for something to “speak” to me.
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Tea is the most fantastic drink on the planet right now. (And, yes, it’s decaf.) Some sugar and cream…. oohhhh heaven. Red Rose is my absolute favorite.
Hot chocolate, my normal favorite? Tastes good. Does not sit well. (Confirmed this morning.)
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I’m so touchy about this pregnancy and it feels sometimes like it’s random. Half the time I want to be all, “I’m pregnant, look at my belly!” The other half I’m wearing baggy shirts and wincing when someone mentions to someone else that “Natalie’s pregnant!” I waffle. A lot. Some days I just feel so… vulnerable. Like others’ joy could just puncture me. Like it shows me what I should be feeling.
Even stupid, small, fun things like, “I think it’s a girl/boy!” or “I think you’ll go late! __ is a good day for a baby!” Some days I just want to snap, “You don’t know that. You don’t know anything, no one does. It is what it is, and there’s no sense looking too far ahead.” And then I feel completely mortified for the thought, because hell, they were just being happy and conversing and joining in on the pregnancy babble. I absolutely positively cannot fault anyone for that. The reaction is all mine, all based directly out of this gutwrenching fear.
It’s not that I’m not happy or joyful. I am. And some days I have the most beautiful moments. But mostly? It’s fear. Fear and anxiety. I’m scared to buy in to this, because I’m scared it will get taken away. And it’s not like I think I can somehow protect myself from more pain – I know that’s not possible – but it just makes it impossible to feel unfettered with those fears lurking around. That joy is there, but cautious… qualified. If there’s a baby… if there’s a heartbeat… if I make it to 13 weeks. There’s always an if.
I want to love being pregnant, like I did with Devin. I want to be all happy-happy-joy-joy. But I’m not, and I’m still not okay with that.
Hang in there – I’m right with you, wishing I could fast forward to the 2nd trimester.
My hubby and I call ours “The Parasite”, but I have a very weird sense of humor. I’ve already rewatched Alien, it was great and took my mind off my own worries for a little while ;-)
“Even stupid, small, fun things like, “I think it’s a girl/boy!” or “I think you’ll go late! __ is a good day for a baby!” Some days I just want to snap, “You don’t know that. You don’t know anything, no one does.”
I was like that.. not quite so bad anymore… and I didn’t even have the loss that you did. I think it’s a pretty normal reaction to have. For me it was party that, partly that they were making something so important seem so trivial. (at least in my head). Weird I know.
And the nickname thing. Don’t worry.. I’m not going to suggest any. I’m just thinking maybe it will morph into being on its own as the pregnancy progresses. We’ve never pushed that b/c it just doesn’t feel right to. We called him a seahorse when that’s what he still looked like. Then when he did all that head pushing (and with the fact that he’ll be a Capricorn) we were calling him the little goat. And lately I’ve been calling him babybutt. It just seems to fit for me. :) I hope you feel more settled in time. If you don’t, like you said, What are blogs for? We’ll hang out with ya.
As for the actual name.. yeah.. tough one. We have ideas but none of them feel completely right to me. It’s so hard.
Dude, I totally get the wanting to love being pregnant, but not loving it and not being okay with that. I’m in the same boat as you are. I think the going back and forth in attire (baggy or proud-preggo-belly-showing-off?). If you come up with any secrets, let me know.
Ok a few weeks ago I said grasshopper or something and didn’t think anything of it until this post (or maybe I just thought it) But your post caused me to go look at its meaning. I’m not saying this would be the right name, cuz… really? where would you find stuff anyway, but still…look at this…
Grasshopper is the Chinese symbol of good luck and abundance. Anyone with this power animal has been given the ability to take chances – to act on a whim and jump right in. For them things may not progress step by step as they do for other people progress – but rather extremely fast. When taking that leap simply trust your own instincts on when to make the leaps. Listening to your inner voice and responding to it will lead you to positive outcomes. Don’t be afraid to make that leap, remembering all the while that Grasshopper’s only ever jump forwards and never backwards!
hmmmmmmm
HUGS Nat, I’m sorry you’re struggling so much sometimes. Kristi’s suggestion above was rather cute, and touched me at 5am as I get ready for work.
I’d like to tell you to sit back and relax, but I’m slightly more realistic than this. What I do wish for you is the ability to, on some level, enjoy each moment after it has happened. You and Den both seem like wonderful and deserving parents, I will definitely be cheering for you over the next several months.
It’s understandable after a loss to be a bit guarded about being happy for a subsequent pregnancy. I’ve been there too. There were times when I thought that I couldn’t be happy about my baby and worried something would go wrong. Yet I also allowed myself times to rejoice that we were given a second chance. Yes, the “ifs” were always present and I gave into them, however, I knew I couldn’t buy into them either. It was the one thing that I couldn’t do. How else could I enjoy being pregnant after a loss? I’m not saying you should do this. I understand where you’re coming from.
As for a nickname… I think one will most likely come up after the baby is born. It may be something totally unrelated to the baby’s name, but it will come. Don’t fret too much about finding a nickname or a theme for the baby. You’ll get your epiphany ;o)
It’s not that I’m not happy or joyful. I am. And some days I have the most beautiful moments. But mostly? It’s fear. Fear and anxiety. I’m scared to buy in to this, because I’m scared it will get taken away. And it’s not like I think I can somehow protect myself from more pain – I know that’s not possible – but it just makes it impossible to feel unfettered with those fears lurking around. That joy is there, but cautious… qualified. If there’s a baby… if there’s a heartbeat… if I make it to 13 weeks. There’s always an if.
This. So very much.
*hugs you lots* The fear is okay, too, for what it’s worth. It’s just hard to find people who understand.
Hang in there. After what you’ve been through, you may not be able to relax. It’s understandable. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just take it one day at a time. Worrying that you’re worrying (I do it ALL THE TIME) is silly. Try to just not worry to much TODAY. That’s all you can do.
Good luck.
I obviously haven’t gone through nearly as much as you have, Nat. But I had the anxiety/fear throughout my ENTIRE pregnancy too.
It’s OKAY that you’re not all happy happy joy joy about this. In fact, I’d be surprised if you were like that, given through the hell you’ve been through.
All you can do is just keep breathing through the fear. Through the anxiety.
Hugs. I’m thinking of you and sending you good vibes every day.
xxx
I’m so, so right there with you (emotionally if not physically – sorry your tummy is being so evil!) It is truly impossible to feel the same kind of boundless, unfettered joy that most of us get with our first pregnancies.
I also agree that IF is the only thought filling my head and heart right now. It makes me squirm whenever anyone says “when this baby is born”… there is no WHEN for me anymore. I think one of my main reasons for being reluctant to tell people about this pg is I’m afraid someone will say “oh I just know everything will be fine this time!” And then I might have to kill them. And I’m really not supposed to be lifting heavy things like bodies right now. Sigh!
I called my daughter ‘Nugget’ until around 19 weeks then she (well I did not find out the gender until delivery) became ‘Bizzle’. I still find myself calling her Bizzle or Biz, and shes 2 1/2
Good luck!
Justine
I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I think every victory you have in this pregnancy is a victory for all of us. There is something inside of me that absolutely needs to see you bring this baby home happy and healthy. I dunno, believing in miracles and such.
It’s okay to feel how you feel. *hug* You’re right, nobody knows what could happen, but on that note, there’s also no reason to think that this one isn’t gonna go perfect (well minus the scary moments you’ve had with the bleeding, but bah, hopefully that all ends soon!)
We called our son “Cookie” since I hoped he was a tough cookie and would stick around. Took me awhile to call him by his given name. Named my January pregnancy “Guppy” (miscarried her soon after), but didn’t name the second pregnancy and loss from this year. Just got my third + pregnancy test this year…I’m thinking no nickname, too.
If you want a tea that tastes like tea, I recommend Rooibos. It doesn’t quite smell like a proper tea, but the taste is a bit like Heaven; I’ve found decaff ‘normal’ tea to taste like mud, so. :)
I’m with you every step of the way! Take it all one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time . . .
I gave you a blog award . . . check out my blog for more info!
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I think your anxiety makes you human. After being through what you did, it would be hard for anyone to trust completely. As time goes on, hopefully, you’ll begin to believe that your fate can be what you always hoped for. Now you’ll always have what happened as part of who you are- I know that because it’s with me every day too- but each day will give you evidence of what could be, what will be your happy life.