Wild Things In Our Hearts
[6w4d]
Since I have no more stories to regale you with that do not involve some form of vomit I will spare you all the details and post something else instead.
Mel posted this YouTube clip of John Lennon singing Real Love, and I had to go hunt down the lyrics. She was right, I definitely think about this possible life inside me, and how I have been waiting. (But no I did not cry – not that hormonal yet.)
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
And then Mel wrote an entry about Where The Wild Things Are (a book that I – I admit – have never read). This is the kind of post that makes you pause afterward to just let the thoughts sit with you. It really did make me want to cry. Because we really do all wish to disappear into our own little magical world of our homes and dreams – the world we wish we lived in.
::
I mentioned how last week I went to a group that was talking about the Zen ideas of finding happiness. I haven’t written about it because I’m still trying to sort it out myself. The idea is that it is Hopes and Desires – the two things that we build so much of our lives on and around – are what bring us so much unhappiness. It’s this idea of how our life should be, of how we would be happier with something else. Of course no life unfolds how we plan it, and we sit and feel upset over what we don’t have rather than what we do have. In the practice of Zen you give up all desire and simply accept life as it is.
And I can see that, in many things. My husband drives with a very specific idea in his head about how his drive should go, and he gets very angry when it doesn’t go that way. He spends most of his time in the car being angry. I, on the other hand, am a pretty zen driver most of the time. Traffic is traffic, my commute to work can take 20 minutes or it can take 40, and if I have to sit in a line of traffic I turn up the music and start singing. The cars in front of me, the traffic lights, the idiots crossing the street in front of us even though we have the green light – all these things are out of my control. I’m able to accept that, let it go, and just exist. I am in my car, I am warm, I am listening to music, and I will eventually get to where I am going.
I have never been what you would call a “driven” person – no real career aspirations, no huge motivation pushing me. But I always had a lot of dreams. I was the child sketching out drawings of the house she was going to build one day. I was the daydreamer in the corner, lost in her books. So much of that was pure escapism. But how much of the present did I miss out on because I was so invested in my future, in what could be? That’s just as true of highschool as it is of the last few years of infertility.
And yet… if I didn’t have these dreams, these hopes, I don’t think I would have gotten through 5 IVF cycles, 2 losses, years of waiting. And what would I be missing out on now if I had given up and simply been content with letting go? Maybe I’d truly be happier if I had no desire for children at all, if I could just have let go completely. But maybe I was holding on for a reason. Maybe I needed that anger and frustration to carry me through.
Now here I am. Hope is what gets me through each day. I know it is a fine line, and I have to walk it constantly. If I get too invested in The Future, I get paranoid and scared – no future is guaranteed, I know it better than most. But it seems far too lonely to not allow myself those moments of happy anticipation – it feels like something huge that grief stole from me. It is not expectation, however – life takes its own paths. It is up to us to find peace within the path we find ourselves on.
We can live in the moment as best we can, but we can’t let go of all our hopes and dreams. They’re what make us human. They’re what make us keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Yes. Just. yes.
Sounds like more hope than fear for you today…so glad you are able to write posts like this. Praying for you for Monday!
Wow, what a great blog entry. I loved reading this, and yes it really makes you think. My favorite part of this post is your closing sentences, it would make a great quote!
I am zen about a lot of things. But, like you, I think the hopes and dreams are what get us through. For me, I have to learn to realize when I’ve done all that I can do to create that dream, and let go of the expectation of control when I get to the point where there’s nothing I can do. I have to be very zen in pregnancy. I don’t like to give up control over something I care so much about, but there’s nothing you CAN do once you get pregnant, aside from taking care of yourself the best you can.
I think you needed those hopes and dreams to give you the courage to try AGAIN after facing all you have. And I commend you for that.
(hugs)
I’ll tell you my zen story – I wanted a baby so bad for so long. I got so upset when my best friend got pregnant, and to my discredit really couldn’t be around her or the kid, who is *my godson*. I became convinced I would never have a baby, and it tore me up inside not just daily, but hourly, sometimes.
Almost 2 years ago I was on a business trip and was 2 days late for my period (and I’m never late). I was driving around with my coworker having the best, most secret feelings inside, planning how to get the truck to myself that night to go get a HPT. Then the period came. I was devastated, and grieving, and just beyond consolation. It wasn’t different than any other month I got my period, except I was sure I had been pregnant! My husband couldn’t even understand me on the phone for all the tears.
I couldn’t do that to myself anymore, and so I got a puppy – the light of my life :) We’ve spend the last 18 months together, learning, playing, training. And I realized all the sudden it wasn’t so important to me to have a baby anymore, as strange as that sounds. Life was good with my puppy whether I got pregnant or not! My best friend had another child and I *loved* this one with all my heart, went to the hospital and was teh first besides her and dad to hold the baby, and loved it with no mixed emotions whatsoever. It felt so much less insane than the grinding, crushing mortar and pestle of my previous NEED to have a baby.
Literally the day I conceived, I had told a friend I didn’t think I even wanted kids anymore – I was looking forward to a life of my own, spent loving my husband and dog and future dogs. We would maybe adopt someday, but that was for later. And guess what – bingo, I conceived that night.
Now, I just hope and dream I will be able to retain this zen attitude, in case of miscarriage (I’m 5w5d today) or other problem, even though I am so excited now. And I thank my puppy more than I could ever say, who taught me this – animals are the ultimate zen buddists, you know? ;)
There’s so much here…especially as I’m feeling stuck in grief and should-have-beens. Thanks for such a thoughtful and thought-provoking post.
My computer time has been a little sporadic recently, but I’ve been thinking of you. Glad everything is okay after your scare last week and hoping for a great ultrasound with a strong heartbeat tomorrow!
Your post makes me smile – I remember taking the train into the city, right after we found out about losing one of the twins, and finding myself focused so much on what I lost….that I didn’t hold onto what I still had.
Then I heard “From This Moment” on my iPod and I just held my tummy and cried because no matter what – from THAT moment I was pregnant, and from THAT moment…..that baby no matter how small was loved. You should listen to it sometime, I’d wonder if it brought you the same bit peace it did me when facing the loooooong road to the EDD ahead.
Awesome post! I agree. But…I can’t believe you have never Read Where the Wild Things Are!!!! GREAT book!
I’ve been checking all day. Congratulations!
Congratulation Natalie, I’m so happy for you
Just saw your twitter, congrats congrats congrats!!!!!!
HAPPY HEARTBEAT DAY!!!!!!!
(also, I really enjoyed this post, and the link to Mel’s entry, which of course made me cry.)
yay!!! congrats!
WONDERFUL NEWS!!! So happy for you!