Deep breath, I’m going to get through this
[5w0d]
I am 5 weeks today. I give a (very small) sigh of relief and thanks. One week without bleeding. One week without anything catastrophic.
Today the nausea really settled in – no puking yet, but I was wavering at the edge all day, stomach gurgling, my gag reflex triggering. I just tried to breathe deeply and settle the stomach. I don’t want to take any meds or anything yet, because I like feeling it… I like the reassurance. It feels normal, it feels… pregnant. I’m happy with that.
Unfortunately I drank some gingerale this afternoon thinking it might quell the nausea. I’m not even sure if it did or not, since I was distracted by the wicked stomachache it gave me – I should know better than to drink anything carbonated!
My legs were aching today. Now I remember aching legs and knees from my third trimester with Devin, I had some awful days. But now? What is with that? It didn’t matter how I sat – properly at a desk, with my legs crossed, with my knees pulled up… achy achy. I’m now on my recliner in the hope that gets the blood flow circulating. (And no, I don’t currently have the option of taking a bath. I am so, so looking forward to getting our new heating system installed, for that reason alone!)
I’m still very jumpy, but calming down a little bit. Surprizingly, being a part of an online pregnancy group is helping a lot. I know for many after infertility and/or loss joining one of those due date groups can be a very hard thing to do. Yes, it can definitely be hard seeing so many who got pregnant easily, who are on their third, fourth child. But today I realized that I am feeling very soothed hearing everyone talk about the same symptoms, the same fears that I have, especially those who have had losses (of which there are many more than I expected). I keep telling myself, I have just as good a chance at having a live baby as any one of them. I feel good. I had positive pregnancy tests. I had good betas. I’m in the same boat as all of the rest of them. What’s different is my history – it affects my state of mind, but doesn’t affect my future.
Now that I am pregnant, now that I’ve reached this long-awaited milestone, suddenly I’m faced with the realization that this is going to be a lot harder than I expected. Just like with cycling, I just want to jump to the end and know that everything is going to be okay. I’ve done this before – it was fun, I enjoyed it. I’m ready to move on now. I’m ready to bring home the baby. I’m ready to stop living in constant fear and anxiety and never knowing if my heart will survive this trip.
I look at babies and children in strollers on the street and wonder how the hell it ever even happens. There is just so much that can go wrong, so many losses, so many defects, so many accidents. And you and I, we’re here. Somehow we exist. The more I learn, the less I understand.
I am complete agreement. The more i learn the less I understand. You are reading my mind tonight.
Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate your honesty, hope, and perseverance.
Did you ever try ginger tea instead of ginger ale? No carbonation, no added sugar (unless you sweeten it yourself), and it can definitely help with the queasies.
Your words and your stories are strength for me; thank you for sharing them.
i just wanted to say congrats on week 5..WOOHOO…35 more to go…(more or less depending..i went a week overdue) i remember i would flatten my gingerale out(shaking the bottle or using a spoon if it was in a cup)it worked but only for a bit in the mornings:S then it wore off…but i also had began morning sickness at 13 weeks up until 28 weeks… it SUCKED.. i hope it doesnt last too too long with you..
Sometimes I think that we as humans overthink things. I know I do. Wouldn’t it be nice to be blissfully ignorant? To change the subject…Question: Do you think acupuncture helped this time? Do you still attend appointments? I don’t know much about it..and if you can still do it while pregnant. If you ever want to help with the nausea (though it can be very reassuring), I swear by the acupressure wrist bands and ginger gum..and protein…lots of protein. When I wore the wrist bands, I looked like wonder woman, but it helped. however, I’d get freaked out and take them off, just to be sure I was still nauseous. I’m sure it was a placebo effect..but it worked.
Hey, maybe we should throw topics to you totally unrelated to pregnancy until Oct. 5. Yeah, right, as if that would get your mind off things. Topic 1: Prime numbers. What are your thoughts on those?
I’ve been following your blog for a good long time now, and I’ve never really commented much. I can’t imagine how pregnancy will be different after loss, but I know that so many women go through what you are after infertility.
Just try to remember that the pregnancy is part of that initial bonding. A special 9-month-long moment that you and this baby will share. You’re scared and rightfully so, but hold on to the good stuff and enjoy it. My daughter after infertility is almost a year old now and I do feel like I missed out on many of the good things because I spent such an incredible amount of time worrying. It’s okay to worry, just don’t let it take the good stuff out of focus. :)
I hope you have a great pregnancy that is uneventful and blissful in every way.
Mindy
No words really…just, I hear you, and I’m thinking of you.
I had some VERY achy legs/joints for a time around the beginning too. I noticed I’d have that too sometimes when my hormones were out of whack. So it must be hormonal eh?