Harder than expected
Today I crawled into bed for a mid-day nap, rolled over to face Den (who was also having a nap), and pouted. “I threw up today.”
Denis gave a huge grin and replied, “YAY!!!”
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I wore my new underbelly maternity pants to work today, and boy was I thankful I bought them. They fit quite well right now, and can be loosened to continue fitting as I grow – I expect they’ll stop being comfortable at some point, but by then they’ll have earned their keep.
I also learned that pretty much all of the shirts I own are form-fitting in one way or another. This is not good right now. I lowered my chair a little bit and tried to stay close to the counter so that customers couldn’t see. Not that they’re really looking, but I’m a pretty slight person, especially now that I’ve lost weight, and my bloated belly looks definitively pregnant. I don’t expect any customers will be brave enough to ask about it for a little while, but I highly doubt I’m going to be able to hide it for long. I may have to buy new, bulky sweaters.
Trying to hide this is a large change from last time I was pregnant, with Devin – I wore fitted pregancy clothes very happily, proudly parading my belly everywhere. Which was in part because I had little fear of anything going wrong, but also in part because I wasn’t working with the public, I either saw the same people very day or strangers who would never see me again. I really hate this in-between, hate feeling nervous about people recognizing that I’m pregnant and possibly asking me about it in a month or two. I don’t know when I’m going to feel okay with that.
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I’m feeling kind of angry. I really dislike this anxious, paranoid mess I’ve turned into.
After Devin I knew I was going to be very anxious in the third trimester… but I thought the rest of it would be easier, because it all went so well. And then the ectopic happened. And now I’m a complete and utter mess in the first trimester too. I seriously am doing bathroom checks every hour, and only about 1/3 of those do I actually have to pee. I’m checking, checking, constantly checking for blood. Which I realize is kind of futile and maybe a little bit idiotic – I mean, it’s not like I could do anything about it, it’s not like by being vigilant I can prevent something from happening. Whatever this is, whatever is going on in there, it’s out of my control. But I can’t stop doing it. It reassures me for the next hour that, at least right at this moment, there is nothing wrong.
I didn’t spend a lot of time grieving the ectopic. I was angry, oh yes I was angry – and I was feeling hopeless about getting pregnant. But I was happy to leave those two weeks of spotting hell behind me and move on. But now it appears I am flashing back frequently. Being 5 weeks pregnant, with my first ultrasound right around the corner, I keep thinking about it…. about that ultrasound, about the bad news. Which then of course triggers remembering the other, far more horrifying ultrasound, the last one with Devin. Ultrasounds and me are not friends right now. I’d like to change that, but right now they just honestly scare the crap out of me. On one hand I really want this ultrasound to come sooner so I can see the heartbeat and we can be relieved and reassured and look forward from here… but on the other hand I kind of want to avoid it as long as possible. I have fears in my head of going in and finding an empty sac… that, like the ectopic, we’re going to go in and find out that there’s no baby. It’s really hard for me to feel happy and truly pregnant until we know that something is in there.
The ectopic fucked me up even more than I already was… which, after a stillbirth, is pretty damn bad.
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I talked to the nurse today. This week has been so much harder than I expected, so I called and said I’d take them up on their offer of another blood test for reassurance, and asked if they could move up my ultrasound even just to next friday. She said they’re going to see what my numbers are on friday and go from there… if they’re nice and high and they are pretty certain they’ll see something they might have me come in earlier, but she’s going to talk to the U/S tech about it.
I felt very relieved after that phone call. I think the stress of waiting 2 weeks was getting to me… it just feels like an impossibly long time to be in this state. Even the thought that it could be next week is really helping take me down a few notches.
I really need to chill out, I know – but I have no idea how to do that. I think I’m going to schedule a massage, not just to help me relax, but because my shoulders are a mess of knots (again) and my legs are still aching… it would do my body good. I really need to find other ways to re-center myself, I’ve felt the last few days like I’m spiraling out of control and it’s not a fun feeling. But how I can feel okay until I know that there’s a baby in there and that everything is okay?
I’d like to say that the anxiety around scans goes away, but as I’m approaching my own on Friday, it hasn’t for me yet.
I think a massage is a great idea. You definitely deserve some relaxation and some pampering.
Everything u are feeling is understandable. A massage sounds a great idea. Good luck for the blood test and U/S
I know everyone is different and this might not make you feel any better at all, but for both my pregnancies, I had very light spotting between 5 and 8 weeks…maybe 6 or 8 different days during that timeframe. Of course I was concerned, but my doctor wasn’t. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks for baby #1, but everything looked great. I can understand where you’re coming from – I was a wreck both pregnancies, waiting for something to go wrong. Looking back I wish I had enjoyed them more. I can’t imagine how hard it must be when you’ve experienced a loss on top of it all. I am pulling for you.
Hav eyou ever tried yoga? If there are any prenatal yoga classes near you you could just try one– I really liked mine…especially once you have the reassurance from a great (fingers crossed) ultrasound.
Just wanted to let you know I am still reading and I am so so so so happy for you.
And I still want to knit for the baby…
you remember your acupuncture appoints? You may not be going there but the one hour a week just zoning in your favorite spot, with no external noise save music. It would require Den to be helpful in keeping your furkids out of your hair for a while. But try zoning into the nothingness like you did with the acupuncture. Or even talk to your acupuncturist to see what’s safe, what’s not etc. I know a lot of those alternative medicines have Pregnancy packages.
I love the suggestions from others for yoga and acupuncture. I think both might help you make a little space for relaxation — if only while you’re in the moment. I also wanted to offer that the anger and impatience might also just be a good sign. When I was early in this pregnancy, it was like my filter just disappeared. I would say whatever was in my head and feel no remorse afterward, no matter how rude I had been. I hated what I was turning into. I even yelled at my boss! (A colleague heard that and gently suggested that maybe I needed to take a walk.) By the middle of my second trimester, much of that had passed (although I still think I might be more blunt than normal), and I’m still pregnant at 30 weeks. So maybe it’s a good thing. Of course, like morning sickness, that’s cold comfort when you’re feeling out of control…
And might I suggest cardigan sweaters to help hide your early bump? I know you mainly see people head-on, but a cardigan might provide a bit of a shield.
I hope you feel calm and reassured after your blood test tomorrow. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for really great numbers.
I bled at 8 weeks and 11 weeks during my last pregnancy that came after 2 ectopics and 2 miscarriages. I totally understand where you. I now know that bleeding in pregnancy can still result in a positive outcome. My doctor once told me that bleeding during pregnancy isn’t “normal” but is very common!
Good luck!
Oh my goodness! I wish there was something I could do to help you get through this. xx
I suggest talking to your baby. It’s early I know, so what. There is a baby growing in your womb and you can start visualising her/him as her/his little heart starts to beat. This is an early start to bulid a loving connection instead of building up her/his stress hormones.
Hang in there; we’re all pulling for you now. Bleeding is just so, so common… and yet so, so scary… I wish I could just package up serenity and certainty and safety and give it to you!
Go for a check up for your own sanity
Why can’t you of all people get an easy ride ??
I hope you can get an US soon and put your mind at rest. This time of “not knowing” is utter, utter torture. I hope, pray, wish that everything is fine for you .
Thank you for the latest twitters. I’m sitting at my desk, trying to hold back tears of relief. I don’t know whether I should thank your cervix for getting you that earlier ultrasound after all… or scream at it for taking a few more years off your life with that experience. But most important…
HOORAY FOR A SAC IN THE UTERUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awesome news about the sac and yolk sac! Not sure whethr there was something that caused you to go in (per the previous poster’s comment) but so glad that it left you with VERY good news!!!
Excelent news. Hurray!!!
This is a response to several of the last posts….
First–So glad your US showed all is in order! What happened that you had to go in????
I also want to say that Cailet is such a pretty name. What about Cailet Elizabeth and calling her “Cate.” Love both Lucas and Wyatt.
I cannot even imagine what you are going through. When we found out we were pregnant after 5 years of infertility, we didn’t tell even our families until after the first trimester. I just couldn’t think of dealing with everyone else’s disappointment, if something when wrong. I just told a few very dear friends who knew what we had been through. When we went in for the 6 week US there was no heartbeat. We then had to just wait a week. With what the baby was measuring, there should have been a heartbeat. Then, we went in the next week and there was a heartbeat. I think our doctor was almost as shocked excited as we were. I still don’t know why we didn’t see the heartbeat that first time. During that week when we thought we had lost the baby, I thought “I might have missed my only chance to ever tell people I was pregnant.” We in the end decided to wait to share our amazing news. I can relate to Den, and to you about the telling and not telling. I really did not believe it until I had him in my arms…we still can’t believe he is here! I am like you…I would look at all the babies, and think they all got here, maybe I will have a healthy baby, too.
That being said….I had never even had a positive pregnancy test with the treatments before this unexpected pregnancy. I was crazy, and I had not had a loss like with Devin. I had not had an ectopic pregnancy.
I am praying for you and wish you all the best. I hope you are able to find ways to deal with the fear.
Again, so glad things are going well so far!
I feel for you so much. It’s so hard – so so hard. I had a miscarriage after a 35 week stillbirth. I spotted with the next pregnancy, but my little guy made it. This first part is very difficult. The doppler will probably help when you can start using it. Get as many appointments as you need. We are all pulling for you. (I don’t pray either.)
OMG, I’m so happy you got your u/s!!! And that everything looks good, and that the bleeding’s not an issue! Whew! :)
fuck you don’t get a break at all. I’m glad everything is measuring accordingly despite the bleeding. Thinking of you Nat!
Omg I just read your tweets and I am so sorry you had to experience that. I am so glad thatch everything looks ok
I’m so glad the bleeding isn’t anything and that all looks good. Go the dr as much as you need to…every week if it makes you feel better. They WILL appease you at every turn.
I was angry as well…it just takes the joy out of the pregnancy being paranoid the entire time. I was seen 4 times (for 2 u/s) in the first tri with my daughter then every 2 weeks until 24 weeks at which point they saw me every week. My dr was determined to do everything humanly possible to get my daughter born alive and healthy. He understood everything I was going through…all of my fears and anxieties so he absolutely saw me anytime even if I needed to just come in for reassurance…anytime all I had to do was call and they’d see me immediately. DO whatever you need to so that you can put your mind at ease. I loved going in every week and loved that my dr was so good to me. He was over the moon when my daughter was born. It made a fearful, anxiety filled pregnancy much easier to know I had a dr who understood me and supported me. I hope your ob is just as good to you Natalie.