A day to completely fall apart
[5w2d]
“Hysterics” isn’t a term that can normally be applied to me, but today it came as close as ever. It ended up okay, but I’m still very shaken.
I had two very very mild cases of spotting the last couple of days. Beigy in color, very watered down. Both times I would breathe in deep, and say to myself, “It’s not red. As long as it’s not red, it’s okay.” I’ve been an obsessive TP-checker because I just wanted to check, no blood, it’s still okay, everything’s okay.
Today I was starting to relax a little. I felt nothing out of the ordinary, though my symptoms have lessened for the time being. Still on edge, but I wasn’t running to the bathroom every hour.
Right before lunch I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there it was – bright red blood. I think I just stared in shock for a second, then wiped again and again. More red blood. I checked internally, hoping maybe that was it – there was more. All I could picture in my head was it all being over, that there’s nothing left inside me.
I bought more Answer brand pregnancy tests. The mistake, I thought to myself, was in testing only twice, then nothing for over a week. I didn’t watch it get darker, I had nothing to reassure me. I thought I was okay with it, but I’m really not. A few days ago I took a digital that I found stashed in my bathroom, but it didn’t make me feel any better. (In fact, it made me feel more nervous, knowing that it would say “pregnant” no matter if my hcg was 50 or 50000. I didn’t even take a picture of the damn thing, just threw it out.) So now here I am, thinking my hcg must be dropping, I’m going to miscarry, the bloodtest results won’t be until tomorrow. I think I really expected the test line to be light. It wasn’t – that test line nearly wiped out the control line. Okay. Sort of helped. …. well not really.
Minutes later I was sitting at the table, sobbing. I just kept saying, “I can’t do this again.”
The nurses called me back and told me to come in – that, based on my numbers last week they should be able to see something. I know damn well they won’t see much at a little past 5 weeks, but at this point I was envisioning an empty uterus, so I would take anything at all. I picked up Den on the way – I wanted him with me. Not like he could actually get any work done after I’d called him bawling, anyways.
We drove pretty quietly, holding hands. I repeated, “I can’t do this again.” Not just surviving another loss, but going through this hell again if this one did fail. I just don’t know if I can do it. Den agreed with me. There was silence as the fear rode with us. I don’t want to say this is our last hope – we could do a FET and another stims if we wanted. But I don’t know. Later I said to him with a very sad, self-depreciating sense of black humor, “What do they say about people who keep doing the same thing, getting the same results, and expect things to change?” Everyone says we are so strong, so determined to keep going… but everyone has a breaking point, everyone has a line. Three losses might just be ours.
It weighed heavy on my mind as we walked into the ultrasound room. I felt almost devoid of expectation. The last time I was pregnant and in that room we found out it was ectopic and it was over. I don’t know if I could really comprehend getting good news.
She inserted the wand and I saw ovaries and other lumps and bumps cross the screen. She swept quickly through the uterus and… there it was. A little black blob. So simple. She zoomed in and we could see the yolk sac. Too early for anything else to be seen. But it was there. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back into the pillow, squeezing Den’s hand tight. Tears welled up. It is a very guarded relief – I still will feel restless until we can see the fetus on the screen, see the heartbeat. But hell this was something.
There was definitely only one sac. She checked my tube, she peeked at my ovaries, she scanned around the gestational sac. Nothing of note, nothing of worry. She explained as she went – I absolutely love her for that. Nothing in the tube. Ovaries “puffy” but not abnormally large. No bleeding around the sac. No concerns in the uterus. No sign of bleeding. She also said my cervix is closed up tight – even though the outside end of it feels open-ish to me. (Which I know is normal after having had a vaginal birth.) As long as the length of it is closed, it’s fine and good.
Her guess is that it’s vascular… that blood vessels in my uterus are changing, adapting to the pregnancy, and once in a while will release some blood. She said especially after a full-term pregnancy things are just… different in there. (Because I had absolutely no bleeding at all with Devin, except for the implantation bleeding.) This really helped me visualize what is going on in there, gave me an alternate theory rather than my paranoias. I got to see with my own eyes that the sac is safe, that I am still pregnant at this moment in time. I’m going to have to re-frame my expectations, though… that bleeding doesn’t necessarily mean the end. I will have to prepare myself for seeing more along the way.
After all of that I went back to work. I figure all I do is sit at a desk, and honestly having something to do is better than sitting at home thinking too much. My coworkers were all very concerned for me – they’re so sweet, giving me hugs and letting out a sigh of relief. My boss told me that I should never ever worry about work, if I ever need to go, then just GO. I am so glad I am working where I am. I really don’t know how I’d get through this without their support.
Tonight I went to a local meditation group, about “mindfulness” and being present in the now. I didn’t want to go anywhere tonight, but I thought it was kind of the perfect topic. It was. The excerpt that was read mentioned Hope and Expectation – how so much of our suffering is because of those two things. I really want to write about it all tomorrow, I had so many thoughts. For now I’m going to go lay down, practice my breathing, and be thankful that right now I am pregnant – regardless of what came before and what will come later, right now there is something to be thankful for, something beautiful. I really can’t lose that amidst the fear.
Ok Nat, you know I’ve had a loss (twin) with my first pregnancy. Went on to deliver his brother and then a second baby 14 months later. Now I’m 26 weeks pg again. This pg I have been an obsessive TP checker. Never any blood. At 14 weeks, you know after you say “well at least I’m OUT Of the first trimester” I woke up in a POOL of blood. I mean I thought I peed my pants it was so much. Luckily I had a doppler and heard the little one’s HB loud and clear. Had a sono later that day and a nice size subchoinoic hemorrhage in there. Yuck. Damn. So I was on “pelvic rest” for 6 weeks or so. Fast forward to 20 week sono. I had stopped bleeding at 15 weeks so I had exhaled. Nope. Clot STILL there. Damn again. Fast Forward to today, as far as I know the clot is still there. But so is baby. I’ve been told it is really tiny now and nothing to worry about. yea right, we NEVER stop worrying. So, the moral of the story is it’s OK to worry and be scared and it’s also ok to trust the process even if it has screwed you in the past :)
I’m thinking of you and your little one. So proud of the picture. It’s the most beautiful site!!!!!!
What a great picture…such a relief! You’ll run the gamut of emotions throughout the pregnancy. It’s normal albeit frustrating. I’m so glad they were able to get you in right away and even better that you have an amazing employer that understands your situation and will let you go anytime you need to. You couldn’t ask for more than that! Hang in there…you’ll be seeing the hb soon :)
I’m so glad everything’s where is should be right now. And, forgive me, but I kind of loved how you opened this post with something about “hysterics,” since the root of “hysterics” is the word for uterus… very a propos, since having uterus issues is justification for being “hysterical” if ever there was one!
Oh, I know what you mean. Reading this entry took me back to my pregnancies where I bled, went on bed rest, bled, went on bed rest, etc. I was a teacher and couldn’t go to the bathroom whenever I wanted, so I would obsessively worry until I could check.
I know you don’t know me–I’ve posted here a few times before–but this entry struck me and filled me with such empathy. Just know some stranger in Illinois has you in her daily thoughts.
Oh I am so pleased. I had tears in my eyes reading your post. Take care and relax, hope all continues to be ok
ahh Nat.. ***HUGZ***I’m soo sorry to hear about your day.. I honestly cannot begin to relate or imagine what you both are going through. My heart goes out to you…Anyone and Everyone can say something encouraging but..fact of the matter is it only lasts so long..:S or it’s obviously not the right thing to say and sometimes we(as people who are trying to relate and understand) don’t always say the right thing either…the blood though i hear you…i had it happened.. numerous times.. i was told it was stress induced…:S once at 8 weeks 9 weeks,12 weeks and 19 weeks(the day before the big ultrasound) all i can say was all i did was cry…spent hours at the emerg crying and then saw the hb and it was reassuring for the moment but that was it…i stressed throughout my pregnancy for EVERYTHING….every twinge, every pain.. plus i often felt something was not right…and i wouldn’t feel my baby moving regularly but i had an anterior placenta so that didnt help much AND he was not moving very much because well he was rather calm baby when born(still is at times..)…but he was born with the cord around his neck 3 times.. just like me…so i wondered after if thats why i didnt feel him as much or whatever…it’s always soo frightening regardless…but it’s gotta be worse for you and for that i hope and wish all goes well for you…because if anyone deserves this it is you…
Although I’m horrified for you at the reason for which you got the early u/s, I’m glad you ended up getting one anyway. I really do think they are hugely mentally relieving in a VERY scare time, and that’s important for you.
(FWIW, it’s also exciting that you confirmed that it’s ONE baby, like you want!)
*hugs* hang in there… everything crossed for you!
I was so worried. I’m relieved to hear that everything’s okay. <3
Oh Natalie I am so sorry for the scare. I can’t even imagine how that must have felt for you. My RE always does a 5 week u/s to see if there are one or two sacs. So when I went at 5w0d with my son’s pregnancy we saw just one gestational sac, and no yolk sac yet (I guess that is typical)- so I think it’s great that you have seen a yolk sac as well as the gestational. I think you can feel reassured that the bleeding is not indicative of anything else but what the doctor said. Can they do your u/s next Friday- are are you going to wait until Monday?
Nat– It’s me from LP. Just wanted you to know that I’ve been rooting for you all the way and when I saw your post yesterday, my jaw dropped to the floor. I’m glad everything has been confirmed to be all normal at this point. When I read your blog, it brings me back to the same emotions I experienced along the way, even when I was pregnant with the twins and had a few bumps along the way. I had a few bleeding incidents as well and those TP checks are so vivid in my mind. It was always horrifying and traumatic, especially when you spend 6 hours on a weekend in the ER at 12 weeks for confirmation that everything is ok. It sounds like you are in a good place though… mentally and physically. Deep breaths like you said. You have so many people on your side praying for you and that little one growing inside of you :). Hugs to you!
Hugs you so very very tight. I had a super scary bleeding incident with Evie as well. At 14 weeks I have quite a bit of blood. Cue -freaking the fark out. Went in ASAP – had an u/s and apparently I had had a cyst on my ovary that burst and it was filled with blood. Scary – AND painful. I did, however, find out that day that Evie was a girl! You are so right – you are so ‘unaware’ the first pregnancy. I look back and Evie’s and realize that actually it was really rough and that going into pre-term labor at 26 weeks was NOT normal – nor was the 10 week bedrest and multiple check-ins to the hospital for overnights due to one issue or another. NOR was the delivery a slam dunk. Thank the powers that be that I was in the hospital I was in at the time that I was – or we both would have died. My doctor told us we couldn’t do it again – I would most likely die of rupture – so I can only IMAGINE how I would be freaking out if I got pregnant again. What this super long – drawn out note is TRYING to say is – you are handling it really well. I am proud of you. (I guess I could have just said that. LOL )
I can fully believe that you’re still shaken from that so-horrible-but-so-wonderful experience. Being pg after a loss is such a freaking rollercoaster. The meditation sounds like an excellent idea. When will your next scan be? (((((HUGS))))))
Hey, I’ve been following along for awhile – my heart goes out to you. The terror you must have felt! I’m so glad they were able to get you in and show you the yolk sac and gestational sac. The fear that strikes when you’re bleeding is so, so intense. I hope that time will pass quickly so you can get to the u/s and heartbeat stage. Pregnancy after loss is SO difficult. You’re in my thoughts.
Mo
Just out of curiosity…did they take a good look at the outside of your cervix?
Because I had a TON of 1st and 2nd tri bleeding, and they didn’t figure out until 15 weeks that it was cervical erosion (a blister on my cervix). Whenever I did too much walking (or DTD) I’d bleed. All they had to do was touch a styptic pencil to it and it healed.
Sorry for the horrible fear and anxiety and blood. that is a beautiful yolk sac. Perfect one, in fact. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I hope it gets easier.
Glad you got reassurance!
I am so sorry you have to go through the unknown. I had spotting off and on until about 14 weeks and it was MISERY. In the end, my OB said that the placenta is forming and fusing with the chorion (?) and it could cause bleeding. I had more ultrasounds my first tri because of issues but I have a healthy baby boy almost 6 months old. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Hi sweetie, I was so relieved when I saw the twitters come rolling in (live, since I was rooted to my tweetdeck at the time).
It’s so horribly unfair that you have to go through double the fear – not only the normal fear of bleeding incidents, but them being heightened by all the former experiences. I hope you can hang in tight for the times to come.
Still sending you reiki ;)
Big relief to hear you saw a sac and yolk sac as well! I am so sorry things have been scary for you so far.
Recurrent loss is agony – especially when you are pg again. I always asked my ob to just sedate me for 14 weeks and wake me up if everything was going fine then . . . She never took me up on that. Trying to get through to a point where you felt “safe” was awful and hard and really, how do you ever truly feel “safe”? I know this is going to be a long and hard pregnancy for you emotionally, even when all turns out well. I wish I knew something to say or do that could make that part easier for you. :0(
We’ll be here – cheering you on, wishing you well and holding your hand even if just figuratively.
Hope everything is going okay… it was weird not to “hear” from you today via tweets or anything else.
Thank goodness everything is fine. Wonderful picture!!!!!!
hugs to you! just thinking of you and baby…
So happy things are fine. This is very good news to know that there is no ectopic, and that there is a yolk sac…
I’m certainly no expert – heck, they didn’t even have these things when I was pregnant all those years ago; but, I swear, it looks like another yolk sac at the very top of the gestational sac, above the yolk sac the tech arrowed!
Nana – There was definitely only one. :) The U/S tech doesn’t miss stuff like that. LOL The picture is really blurry, but in real life it was very clear.
i’m so glad you got some reassurance and as you know seeing that yolk sac is awesome!!!! looks like the pregnancy is going right along:)