How far along? 5 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 130.4 (+.2)

Maternity clothes? Just bought some maternity work pants so I won’t strangle this week.

Stretch marks? No new ones.

Sleep: Other than waking up in an anxiety attack last night, I’ve been sleeping really well.

Best moment this week: Getting such good beta numbers.

Movement: n/a

Food cravings/aversions: Bread/pastry. Salads with ranch dressing. Strong dislike of chocolate.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Having a normal heartrate that isn’t amped up with anxiety. Going to the bathroom without checking the TP ten times.

What I am looking forward to: Confirming the heartbeat. That’s all that I care about right now.

Weekly Wisdom: There is nothing you can do to change the outcome, so try to find time to enjoy what you can…

Milestones: Start of morning sickness today/yesterday.

Symptoms: Boobs still tingly and full feeling, but not sore. Gas, a lot of gas and bloating, so much so I got a stomach ache today after eating crap for food. Very gaggy, and my stomach was just roiling today, making me feel quite ill. Once in a while I get the ligament thing going on, sometimes it’s brief, sometimes it just stays there for a while. And today my legs and knees were aching, but I don’t understand that one.

The warm glow of betas has worn off and I found myself staring at my ceiling at 4am, worrying. Worrying that things aren’t growing right in there, and there’s no way to know about it. Not for two weeks. How the fuck do I get through another two weeks? I am terrified that this isn’t going to end up being real… that something is going to go wrong.

Of course with the worries comes another thought, one that I set myself up for: that because I am scared it means something is wrong. Which is foolish, because anyone who has gone through a loss – and many who haven’t – are scared, doing bathroom checks and fretting over symptoms. It’s so hard, especially this early, to really believe it. But what I’m feeling is pure, abject fear, not the feeling that something feels wrong. It is the fear that these symptoms will go away, fear that the ultrasound will bring bad news.

I have no cramps, no pains (other than the gas that comes and goes!). I had the tiniest tinge of pink in my prometrium, which is probably from jabbing my cervix putting the prometrium in. (I mean, so light pink that I had to squint, it was like off-yellow instead of yellow.) And I’m willing to bet that’s what triggered me. Of course that was hours ago and there’s been nothing since, and it’s a far cry from bright red bleeding like I had during my ectopic. But the memories are sitting there, right below the surface. I’m flashing back to those two weeks, the bleeding, the sinking heart, the bad result. I’m fairly certain this is not ectopic, but still there’s the worry of miscarriage. Always the worry.

I am never going to have another pregnancy like Devin’s, when I didn’t spare a thought for what could go wrong. Not after what I’ve been through. I’m sad for that, too. I have a glimpse into the fear I will feel later, closer to the end. This is going to be hell. Well worth it, and there will be many good, wonderful moments – but there is going to be a lot of fear. No… terror. I am so angry that not only was Devin’s pregnancy taken from me too soon, but so did the chance of ever having another one that carefree.

I try to tell myself that there’s nothing that I can do. This worry is real, and I accept the fear for what it is, but it cannot change nor predict the outcome. I remind myself of all the people out there who get pregnant and have babies. I remind myself that I myself once before got pregnant and had a baby. I know damn well that this stage is pretty much symptom-free – I never did feel much anyways.

Except for the puking. I always felt that pretty damn well. And apparently it has started today – or at least taken a good step forward. Dry heaving twice today (once in Walmart, once just now at home). And, really, that’s a pretty damn good sign that everything is okay so far.

[4w6d]

I thought I would take some time today to answer some questions people have asked in the comments. If you have more, let me have ’em!

::

KC asked, “What is the EDD?”

Whoops, did I never post that? Bad me! Due date is May 25!

~

Cynthia asked, “Are you planning on purchasing a doppler?”

That is my plan for now, yes. I won’t be getting one until the second trimester, however, because my uterus is tipped back and when I was pregnant with Devin even the midwife couldn’t get a heartbeat by doppler until 13 weeks. It may be sooner this time, but I really don’t want to stress myself out if I don’t need to. I plan to use the doppler just to “check in” on the baby before bed.

~

Shilpa asks, “What are your thoughts on gender, in terms of what you would prefer? Obviously I KNOW that you will be beyond thrilled with whatever is in there, but I’m just curious whether you really want another boy, or you’d like to have a girl? Or are you completely neutral? What about with Devin’s pregnancy? Before you found out he was a boy, were you hoping for one or the other?”

I admit, when I got pregnant with Devin I really wanted a girl. I am the oldest, I have a little brother, and I always pictured having a little girl first, just like I was. But right from the start with Devin I told everyone I thought it was a boy. And, I admit, when we confirmed he was indeed a boy I was a little disappointed for a week that I wouldn’t be getting my frilly pink girl. Of course I quickly got over that and started loving having a boy.

After we lost Devin all I wanted was a little boy. Not to replace him – he could never be replaced – but because I had just spent the last 5 months living in a world of all things boy. I have boy clothes, I have boy toys… I was – am – a boy mama with no boy to raise. So a very big part of me wants another boy.

On the other hand, I think having a girl would be easier because of the loss – it would be different. I could buy new things, collect new clothes… it would be another way that this pregnancy would be obviously different from Devin’s. Maybe that would mean less anxiety. And of course, I do still want a little girl someday.

At this point when it comes right down to it I don’t think I care. Either one would be great. Den and I want both a girl and a boy someday, if we are lucky.

Oh, and I have a gut feeling of girl this time. So we’ll see.

~

Mari asks, “Can I ask you what names are you having in mind for your second baby?”

Names are a funny thing. We’ve had a list of names for a long time, and while sometimes we shuffle around the order the actual list hasn’t changed much. Devin Alin was our absolute, by-far favorite boy name of all time and I’m still sad that I don’t have anything else that gives me that same feeling.

Our boy’s name is Lucas Wyatt. I will call him Luke (but Den won’t let me use that as the official birth-certificate name). The only small hitch with this one is that we love Wyatt as a first name, so there’s a part of us that wants to save it just in case we end up with yet another boy. My choices if we split them up would be Lucas Andrew and Wyatt Cole, but Den basically said that I will be allowed to use the name Cole over his dead body, so apparently that’s off the table. LOL!

Our girl’s name is currently Katherine Elizabeth, called Kate. My only reservation with it is that it’s a pretty big name for a little girl, and it’s also very traditional… I’d like to have something a little bit more offbeat in there somewhere. The other name that was on the table was Cailet Amber – this is the one that Den’s pushing hard for, but I’m pushing back because it’s very offbeat, it’s a made-up name (it’s from a book) and I dread no one ever being able to spell or pronounce her name. (It’s KAY-let.) My third girl’s name is Alyssa Marie, but Den doesn’t like that very much so it’ll probably never get used.

So basically we kind of know, but we’re not sure of anything yet. It’ll probably end up being one of those two, but it might not be.

I have a new baby in my house!

No, he’s not a new permanent resident. I’m fostering for the first time! This is Cosmo. He’s a feral kitten of around 14 weeks of age. He was trapped outdoors in a local town in an industrial area, an area we’ve been trying to clear of cats for a very long time now. (People keep dumping more there, which then reproduce. I hate people sometimes.) This little guy was caught young enough that we hope that maybe, with enough socialization, he may be able to be domesticated and be adopted some day – that is our goal, at least. (Once they’re too old they never “come back” and remain scared of humans the rest of their lives. Very, very few adult ferals have been eventually adopted out.) At the sanctuary that I work at we just don’t have the time to spend a lot of one-on-one time with this guy, so I’ve brought him home so I can try. I have a light touch with the ferals, I’ve befriended several at the sanctuary. ;)

This is a good time for me to do the foster thing. Previous to this in my life I’d have wanted to keep any animal I brought home, which is why I never dared do it before. But now… now I’m feeling very content with the fur-family we have now. We have two dogs, two cats, each of whom has a special place in my heart. They all just work well together, and I really don’t want to add any more permanent residents – I feel like the house is full enough for now. Especially with a baby on the way, of course.

Cosmo is staying in our spare bedroom (the room about which I’ve told Den on multiple occassions, “If I can’t have a human baby in there, at least I can have SOME KIND of baby in there!!), in a cage. He will not be roaming around the house mixing with our animals – not just for health reasons, but also because he’s so skittish, I need to be able to catch him to pet and hold him so he can get used to it.

I also discovered I’m going to have to keep the bedroom door closed, because I caught Merlin (my fat cat) on his hind legs, trying to snag some kibble through the cage bars, I kid you not. That seems to be Merlin’s main concern right now – that there’s FOOD in that cage. Jojo (the other cat) is like, “Oh, another cat?” Zoe, my little dog, checked him out briefly and wandered off, she likes cats just fine, they’re just not too interesting in cages. Zeeke, the shepherd, I’m going to try to keep out of that bedroom because he will scare the shit out of the poor kitten. He likes to chase cats.

[4w5d]

I apologise in advance. My whole moodiness thing is not getting better, and I have no idea what’s wrong with me (besides the obvious HORMONES). All day I just feel like I’m teetering on the edge of either bursting into tears or screaming. I keep rubbing my head and muttering, this is not you, but alas I am still an emotional whackadoodle. This did not happen when I was pregnant with Devin. Yes, I yelled at Den a lot in my third trimester, but that was because the house was a disaster and nothing was going to be finished in time. This time I am simply immediately and irrationally a crazy person.

I went to the mall today, which was an experience in and of itself. Being only 4 weeks pregnant, I have not yet moved past the stage where I glare at pregnant bellies as they saunter apologetically past. It takes me a few moments to realize that I too am pregnant – but even then I still have the jealousy thing going on, because they are obviously well into their second and third trimesters, and I’m only just barely pregnant with so much still to get through before I can exhale.

I went into Motherhood Maternity for the first time since I was largely pregnant with Devin. The jeans prices actually weren’t that bad, but alas the full belly panel definitely doesn’t work for me yet – not when I’m still trying not to broadcast to the world that I am pregnant. The big huge belly panel kind of gives it away. But I’ll be looking forward to going back later, when I actually have some form of belly.

I am happy to see that this year’s fashion in general is long shirts, so it appears that I probably won’t need to buy maternity tops, unless I so choose to. I was flipping through my belly pics with Devin and saw that I wore my non-maternity clothes right up and into the third trimester, and the only reason I had to stop was that they were too short. Stretchy, long sweaters should do me just fine.

And then I walked down to BabyGap. It was my intention all day to go in there, to finally get to buy something for myself again, to give in just this once. I walked in with a smile of contentment on my face, knowing what is inside me. But as I took steps further into the store my smile faded and the tears threatened at my eyes. This is not my first time shopping for baby clothes, hopeful and giddy and excited – I have been here before. I stood in this store once before, holding the tiny baby onesies in my hands and imagining how my baby would wear them one day. He never did. It was this odd overlay of present and past, where memories of the past jump up and color your vision, reminding you that they will always be there. And yet I was still happy. I bought something for this baby. I have hope once again. But still, I sniffled the whole way through and almost cried when I left, sitting on a bench in the mall. I should have expected it, but I didn’t. I don’t think of Devin like that very often, don’t have that grief sitting on my shoulders much anymore. But in that space, where past and present melded, it all just came flooding back. I have a feeling it is going to happen often in the next year.

Here is the first thing I bought for this baby. (Which Den has informed me the baby will NOT be wearing if it turns out to be a boy, as it has PINK on it!)

For someone who has had a previous loss, the thought of twins is not a pleasant one. Having a singleton is risky enough – I’ve already lost one. The thought of two gives me flat out anxiety attacks. It is not fun, it is not cute, it is not exciting; it is fucking terrifying. So please, if you could hold back on the twin comments, I would really appreciate it – I’m trying to reduce the stress in my life. Whatever people think or do not think will not change the outcome, and we will find out in two weeks. If it is twins you can then say “I told you so.” (Though I advise against it, as you may instead need to gently escort me to a padded room for my own safety.)

Edited to add: Just in case anyone misconstrues what I mean… This is of course a “for me” situation – I know lots of friends who would LOVE to have twins, and I think that is awesome and I hope they get what they want. Twins are not a terrible thing, it’s just not what I want for my life.

[4w4d]

There’s one major reason I never ever lie: I’m horrible at it. I have a huge guilt complex, even when it’s something that is not a big deal. I also don’t think well on my feet at all and tend to stutter a lot. Thus why I don’t even bother trying to be coy and hiding something HUGE like a pregnancy.

First I called my mom. She was happy, but also I could sense the caution in her voice, too. My dad sounded mostly relieved that I won’t have to go through yet another cycle – he knows the toll it takes on me.

I emailed my SIL who was freaking out excited.

I called Kel (because she didn’t get my text messages!) and we just squealed a bit at each other. I don’t even think words were really involved too much.

I went into work on Wednesday and waited for the appropriate moment of quiet, then took out my pregnancy test from my purse and set it quietly down on the table in front of a coworker. She picked it up, frowned as she read the instructions on it, then said “REALLY?!” and everyone erupted into congratulations and grins. My supervisor was so excited she said she was going to cry. Everyone was asking me how I’m feeling, asking when my ultrasound is, when I found out, etc. It was just a big day of happy.

Then of course I posted it on Facebook. I have a lot of friends online – most of whom read my blog, but not all – friends from forums, friends locally, family from back home. Lots and lots of excitement and congratulations.

Unfortunately Den doesn’t necessarily agree with me no holds barred information highway approach. He is, in many ways, more nervous than I am about this pregnancy. Even after two excellent betas, he’s still not feeling at ease enough to want to spread the word. I He asked me if we could wait to tell his family until after we see a heartbeat. Since only SIL is on Facebook out of his entirely family, I figured that would be no big deal, no problems – it’s his family and I want to respect his wishes. We typically don’t see his family very often, so there shouldn’t be a problem.

Except that today was his nieces’ birthday party. With his entire family in attendance. It’s okay, I thought. You can’t see anything yet, I’ll just suck in my stomach after I eat and cover up the boobs and not say anything. I’ll just eat and listen to sports conversation.

As you can probably guess, we are not very secretive about our IVF. Not only does the entire family know we do IVF in order to get pregnant, I will happily tell them all about the latest retrieval and transfer, about the embryos, about whatever. They ask lots of questions and I am happy to educate them on the process and share in our journey.

So it was not out of the ordinary that one of the family members asked me today how things were going.
“Good,” I responded, cleverly vague.
“So where are you at now??”
My eyes shifted towards Denis. He was off running around with the twins. Shit. “In the middle of a cycle.” That’s truthful enough, right? I mean, we’re still in the middle, sort of.
“What does that mean? Did you put the eggs in yet?”
More shifty eyes, and I started to panic. “Yes. We had some good numbers this time. The doctors were very happy.” That’s truthful. The embryos did already go in.
“So when do you find out??”
Fuck. No way out of that one. “Two weeks,” I replied. I mean, it’ll be two weeks until we find out if there’s a heartbeat.
“Oh, so when did they put them in?”
“Ummm…” If I say two weeks ago the math isn’t going to add up. She’s going to start wondering why it takes four weeks to find out if you’re pregnant or not, since it never has before. I mean, maybe she won’t think too hard about it. “… recently…”

Just then one of the girls interrupted about cake or whatnot and I hastily removed myself. I then found Den and hissed at him that HE should be the one answering these questions, since if it were up to me I just would have blurted it out.

To be clear, I in no way fault family for asking us questions! I have always encouraged it, and any other time would have answered. It just makes it really quite difficult when Den wants to hold something to his chest for a little while. It’s just not how I operate and it puts me in sticky situations. I really hope to just entirely avoid family for the next two weeks. That’s the only way I’ll be safe.

::

While at the party today, when SIL and I were alone for a moment, she gave me a gift bag. Inside was my old belly band I had loaned her (yay!)… and a card, a onesie (in neutrals), and a little wind-up bear that plays Brahm’s Lullabye. Awwwww.

::

My breasts feel and look like bowling balls. I did realize that they would swell during my next pregnancy, but I didn’t expect it to be quite this soon. Not that I’m complaining. I got to switch back to my old bras, the size I’ve been wearing for years before I recently realized I had to downsize. They feel like my old boobs again! And my nipples are huge.

::

Today I dragged out the bin of maternity clothes that has been stashed in my basement for a year and a half. My first thought was that I really need to wash everything – how the hell does it all have cat fur on it? My second thought was that I have some awesome maternity clothes! Not many of them, I will certainly need to buy more now that I’m working in a professional capacity. But I am so very excited to get the chance to wear them again!

::

I was really dozing off at work the last couple of days. Mid-day, around lunch time, I just shut down and feel like crawling under my desk for a nap. Not that this is out of the realm of ordinary for me, especially on slow days, but I wanted to make a note of it.

I don’t remember if I got tired much with Devin’s pregnancy. I only worked a few hours a week at that point and slept all day anyways… so it’s kind of hard to tell.

[4w3d]

As most of you saw, my second beta was a very nice number – 697. (I wrote 698 in twitter, but it was actually 7, oops.) I started laughing out loud when I heard her say the number in the message, because I told Den I thought it was going to be around 700. My doubling time is 32.2 hours, which is fantastic… really nice and solid. They’ve scheduled my first ultrasound for Mon, Oct 5, I’ll be 6w6d. I’m wishing it was sooner, but then again it’s nice to have it on a Monday when I don’t have to take time off work.

The horrible traffic put me in a bad mood by the time I got home after work, but Den and I went out to dinner which relieved that. I was just so happy to be out with my husband, having a good meal and enjoying ourselves. After dinner my belly was huge. I saw myself and was all OMFG. I am only four weeks! Thankfully it only happens after eating, so I’m just going to have to eat small portions when possible.

The morning sickness has not hit yet, but I will admit to feeling very slightly queasy in the afternoon. I didn’t eat breakfast today (I slept in – yeah, that was fun rushing to my appointment and then to work late), ate a light lunch at 11:30. By 2pm I just felt a little… off. I can’t even describe it. Definitely not a “OMG I’m going to puke,” but just a… “erg, my stomach is slowly turning over.” Thankfully I was smart and brought some small snacks to work, so I grabbed a little cheese to munch on. That improved things. Guess I’m just going to have a daily reminder to eat throughout the day.

I am also exhausted so I’m going to bed rather than trying to write more. I have the weekend off so maybe I’ll write more later. Or maybe I’ll just sleep all day. Honestly the sleep sounds like a better idea…

[4w2d]

Contrary to the expected, today I’m just pretty grouchy. Some things don’t bother me as much as usual, I’m just like “HA, like that’s going to bug me right now!” But I’m just tired of dealing with stupid situations.

I was on a bad station at work today and my back ached all day – it’s going to take a while to recover from that. Maybe I need to schedule another massage. :/ I really hate getting stuck at that station (we rotate)… it’s just very poorly designed and is guaranteed to kill your back. Honestly I think they should have to fix it, but it’s a logistics issue and way over my head. I worked until 7pm, did some grocery shopping, came home and cleaned up the house while making myself dinner. It’s now late and I have to get up early tomorrow morning. Ugh. Maybe I just need more sleep. (Okay… I definitely need more sleep; I’m just not sure that would improve my crankiness at all!)

Still with the round ligaments, but a little less today, though being on my feet for a while (to help alleviate my back pain) wasn’t too fun, I started feeling the ligaments more. I am hungry, but can’t eat much at once. And then the way I was sitting, my bloated belly kept bumping the counter, which was making me feel a little bit ill. Oh, and foot cramps… I’m getting them even though I’ve been wearing flats.

::

Sometimes I forget. Flipping through TV of course I came across an episode on HGTV where the wife was very pregnant. I of course had that gut reaction of, “Grrrr, everyone else is pregnant! And never me!” And then it hit me: I’m pregnant. Like, right now. Whoa.

::

Took a HPT yesterday morning, it was the same as Tuesday’s. But here’s the strange part: that didn’t worry me. There was no I think my tests are better later on in the day (like Tuesday), not at 6am. I just shrugged and then tested again today. It started off looking the same, but then settled into a darker line. I suspect my betas won’t double with quite as much gusto as they did with Devin (doubling time was 1.13 days!)… but still well within normal. Here’s today’s test. That was my last one in the house so no more for me.

I’m very very much getting a singleton feeling from all of this – even all the teasing at work about multiples isn’t getting to me like it normally does. I just know. The ultrasound will tell, and nothing else really matters. (And no, I still don’t want twins.) I’m also kind of getting a girl vibe, but that’s not nearly as sure. But we’re discussing girls names, just in case. (Which doesn’t really say much, since we have the boy’s name already chosen, and have for a year.)

[4w1d]

I want to say thank you all so much for all of your congratulations and joy and celebration. I get giddy every time I read my comments – and wow, I am stunned at how many of you have dropped in just to share in the joy! Thank you!!

::

Today I was sitting at work rubbing at my lower abdomen, which was aching yet again, when suddenly the light bulb went off: this isn’t my ovaries aching, it’s more of a random, sharp, pulling kind of pain. It’s got to be round ligament pains. It didn’t occur to me because I never really had round ligament pains with Devin (even in my third tri). This is very unfamiliar to me. I’m not concerned about an ectopic, because it switches sides, and I have no tube on my right side (the high beta also supports the idea that this is not an ectopic). It’s just a little uncomfortable, I have to move a little more slowly at work and be careful when I do things like shuffle my chair forward or sneeze. It’s definitely a reminder that something is going on, and I can’t complain about that!

::

The nurses still hadn’t called me by 2:30pm today. I had started my day feeling blissful, moved on to impatient, and then started getting jittery. Work was very slow, which gave me even more time to stare at my phone and check that for sure there were no new messages. I gave them a call and left them a message at 2:30… you know, just in case they’d forgotten about me or something. It’s usually not that late when they call.

Around 3pm I saw the call come in (my phone was on silent at work) and I jumped up to run into to the back and take it. It was the nurse. She was practically giddy. “I have some good newwwssss for yooouuuuu!” she sing-songed. Beta was 248, a very, very nice number, right where we want it. She said she and the other nurse were so so happy for me and were practically dancing around the office when they got the lab results.

I go back in friday for another blood draw to see the numbers go up, and then they’ll schedule my ultrasound!

I immediately called Den, who was also sitting by his phone all day, waiting for the news. He sounded faintly panicked when he picked up, but I was so outwardly happy that I didn’t even bother playing coy. I told him the number, repeated it twice, and then he just kept saying, “Okay,” and letting out a big breath. He was so scared that I was going to call him crying. He’s still trying to let it sink in that everything is good so far. We’ve both just had too much bad news in our past.

::

To be perfectly honest, I think I’d like to just fast forward through the entire first trimester. I want to start showing, I want to start feeling movement, I want to get some ultrasounds that show me an actual baby in there, and to be able to check in with a doppler. Right now it all just feels too make-believe still.

I am definitely running through the gamut of emotions, though in an almost detached, reserved kind of way. There is definitely a lot of joy and happiness, but it is a lot more muted than when I got pregnant with Devin. There are worries, of course, but not in that overwhelming panic-filled way of my ectopic. I’m quite relieved that I am not freaking out, because after the last pregnancy-turned-disaster I didn’t know what to expect. But this time I feel much more confident, much more “right.” I’m still very aware of everything that can go wrong – that’s the hard part. This is a wonderful, wonderful achievement, something to celebrate about. But it is still just the first step. We’ve gotten the BFP and good first beta… next up is the second beta and then the ultrasound. It’s just one step at a time.. and hopefully each step will let it sink in a little bit more. It is my turn, goddamnit. This one’s going to stick.