[4w4d]

There’s one major reason I never ever lie: I’m horrible at it. I have a huge guilt complex, even when it’s something that is not a big deal. I also don’t think well on my feet at all and tend to stutter a lot. Thus why I don’t even bother trying to be coy and hiding something HUGE like a pregnancy.

First I called my mom. She was happy, but also I could sense the caution in her voice, too. My dad sounded mostly relieved that I won’t have to go through yet another cycle – he knows the toll it takes on me.

I emailed my SIL who was freaking out excited.

I called Kel (because she didn’t get my text messages!) and we just squealed a bit at each other. I don’t even think words were really involved too much.

I went into work on Wednesday and waited for the appropriate moment of quiet, then took out my pregnancy test from my purse and set it quietly down on the table in front of a coworker. She picked it up, frowned as she read the instructions on it, then said “REALLY?!” and everyone erupted into congratulations and grins. My supervisor was so excited she said she was going to cry. Everyone was asking me how I’m feeling, asking when my ultrasound is, when I found out, etc. It was just a big day of happy.

Then of course I posted it on Facebook. I have a lot of friends online – most of whom read my blog, but not all – friends from forums, friends locally, family from back home. Lots and lots of excitement and congratulations.

Unfortunately Den doesn’t necessarily agree with me no holds barred information highway approach. He is, in many ways, more nervous than I am about this pregnancy. Even after two excellent betas, he’s still not feeling at ease enough to want to spread the word. I He asked me if we could wait to tell his family until after we see a heartbeat. Since only SIL is on Facebook out of his entirely family, I figured that would be no big deal, no problems – it’s his family and I want to respect his wishes. We typically don’t see his family very often, so there shouldn’t be a problem.

Except that today was his nieces’ birthday party. With his entire family in attendance. It’s okay, I thought. You can’t see anything yet, I’ll just suck in my stomach after I eat and cover up the boobs and not say anything. I’ll just eat and listen to sports conversation.

As you can probably guess, we are not very secretive about our IVF. Not only does the entire family know we do IVF in order to get pregnant, I will happily tell them all about the latest retrieval and transfer, about the embryos, about whatever. They ask lots of questions and I am happy to educate them on the process and share in our journey.

So it was not out of the ordinary that one of the family members asked me today how things were going.
“Good,” I responded, cleverly vague.
“So where are you at now??”
My eyes shifted towards Denis. He was off running around with the twins. Shit. “In the middle of a cycle.” That’s truthful enough, right? I mean, we’re still in the middle, sort of.
“What does that mean? Did you put the eggs in yet?”
More shifty eyes, and I started to panic. “Yes. We had some good numbers this time. The doctors were very happy.” That’s truthful. The embryos did already go in.
“So when do you find out??”
Fuck. No way out of that one. “Two weeks,” I replied. I mean, it’ll be two weeks until we find out if there’s a heartbeat.
“Oh, so when did they put them in?”
“Ummm…” If I say two weeks ago the math isn’t going to add up. She’s going to start wondering why it takes four weeks to find out if you’re pregnant or not, since it never has before. I mean, maybe she won’t think too hard about it. “… recently…”

Just then one of the girls interrupted about cake or whatnot and I hastily removed myself. I then found Den and hissed at him that HE should be the one answering these questions, since if it were up to me I just would have blurted it out.

To be clear, I in no way fault family for asking us questions! I have always encouraged it, and any other time would have answered. It just makes it really quite difficult when Den wants to hold something to his chest for a little while. It’s just not how I operate and it puts me in sticky situations. I really hope to just entirely avoid family for the next two weeks. That’s the only way I’ll be safe.

::

While at the party today, when SIL and I were alone for a moment, she gave me a gift bag. Inside was my old belly band I had loaned her (yay!)… and a card, a onesie (in neutrals), and a little wind-up bear that plays Brahm’s Lullabye. Awwwww.

::

My breasts feel and look like bowling balls. I did realize that they would swell during my next pregnancy, but I didn’t expect it to be quite this soon. Not that I’m complaining. I got to switch back to my old bras, the size I’ve been wearing for years before I recently realized I had to downsize. They feel like my old boobs again! And my nipples are huge.

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Today I dragged out the bin of maternity clothes that has been stashed in my basement for a year and a half. My first thought was that I really need to wash everything – how the hell does it all have cat fur on it? My second thought was that I have some awesome maternity clothes! Not many of them, I will certainly need to buy more now that I’m working in a professional capacity. But I am so very excited to get the chance to wear them again!

::

I was really dozing off at work the last couple of days. Mid-day, around lunch time, I just shut down and feel like crawling under my desk for a nap. Not that this is out of the realm of ordinary for me, especially on slow days, but I wanted to make a note of it.

I don’t remember if I got tired much with Devin’s pregnancy. I only worked a few hours a week at that point and slept all day anyways… so it’s kind of hard to tell.