One Step At A Time
[4w1d]
I want to say thank you all so much for all of your congratulations and joy and celebration. I get giddy every time I read my comments – and wow, I am stunned at how many of you have dropped in just to share in the joy! Thank you!!
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Today I was sitting at work rubbing at my lower abdomen, which was aching yet again, when suddenly the light bulb went off: this isn’t my ovaries aching, it’s more of a random, sharp, pulling kind of pain. It’s got to be round ligament pains. It didn’t occur to me because I never really had round ligament pains with Devin (even in my third tri). This is very unfamiliar to me. I’m not concerned about an ectopic, because it switches sides, and I have no tube on my right side (the high beta also supports the idea that this is not an ectopic). It’s just a little uncomfortable, I have to move a little more slowly at work and be careful when I do things like shuffle my chair forward or sneeze. It’s definitely a reminder that something is going on, and I can’t complain about that!
::
The nurses still hadn’t called me by 2:30pm today. I had started my day feeling blissful, moved on to impatient, and then started getting jittery. Work was very slow, which gave me even more time to stare at my phone and check that for sure there were no new messages. I gave them a call and left them a message at 2:30… you know, just in case they’d forgotten about me or something. It’s usually not that late when they call.
Around 3pm I saw the call come in (my phone was on silent at work) and I jumped up to run into to the back and take it. It was the nurse. She was practically giddy. “I have some good newwwssss for yooouuuuu!” she sing-songed. Beta was 248, a very, very nice number, right where we want it. She said she and the other nurse were so so happy for me and were practically dancing around the office when they got the lab results.
I go back in friday for another blood draw to see the numbers go up, and then they’ll schedule my ultrasound!
I immediately called Den, who was also sitting by his phone all day, waiting for the news. He sounded faintly panicked when he picked up, but I was so outwardly happy that I didn’t even bother playing coy. I told him the number, repeated it twice, and then he just kept saying, “Okay,” and letting out a big breath. He was so scared that I was going to call him crying. He’s still trying to let it sink in that everything is good so far. We’ve both just had too much bad news in our past.
::
To be perfectly honest, I think I’d like to just fast forward through the entire first trimester. I want to start showing, I want to start feeling movement, I want to get some ultrasounds that show me an actual baby in there, and to be able to check in with a doppler. Right now it all just feels too make-believe still.
I am definitely running through the gamut of emotions, though in an almost detached, reserved kind of way. There is definitely a lot of joy and happiness, but it is a lot more muted than when I got pregnant with Devin. There are worries, of course, but not in that overwhelming panic-filled way of my ectopic. I’m quite relieved that I am not freaking out, because after the last pregnancy-turned-disaster I didn’t know what to expect. But this time I feel much more confident, much more “right.” I’m still very aware of everything that can go wrong – that’s the hard part. This is a wonderful, wonderful achievement, something to celebrate about. But it is still just the first step. We’ve gotten the BFP and good first beta… next up is the second beta and then the ultrasound. It’s just one step at a time.. and hopefully each step will let it sink in a little bit more. It is my turn, goddamnit. This one’s going to stick.
Natalie, you have no idea who I am. Just another person wishing you and Den love and support on your journey. I’m so so happy for you … have been following your blog since your BFP with Devin.
Go well, sweetheart!!
XO
So very happy for you and Den! Another “stranger” who’s been following you from BOLU!
A HUGE congratulations!
Really happy for you… more so than for any other positive HPT to see… just can’t explain it but I’ll be rooting for you every single step of the way in blogland.
I had my fingers crossed!
Huge congrats! Wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months!!
so freaking exciting :)
it will stick!! great number!!
Nat, you know from all your previous posts and all…I am soooo happy to see that you are happy…I mean when you got pregnant with the ectopic, the things you expressed, your thoughts, feelings, fears..you just did not sound the same…I can really tell you are happy and who cares you’re happy and im sure everything will be alright:) But like you said…One step at a time…
Are you planning on purchasing a doppler? I think in your situation that would be sooo awesome too.. it would help you and Den greatly…Congrats again…I am so happy to see you happy..it’s nice:) You both deserve this
Congratulations on the positive result and the fantastic numbers. I’m really pleased for you both.
I could not be happier for you both. I have been following your blog for quite sometime. I had tears when I read about you BFP!!!!
Natalie,
I found your blog while preggo with my now 20 month old and have been following and following your story and i just want to let out a WOO-HOOOO!!!! for you! This is IT!! awesome vibes all throughout this one, you can see it in your writing!!!! May can’t come soon enough for all of us!!!!!!!!!!
Huge congratulations!! So very happy for you!
I AM THRILLED!!!!!!!! I read when you got your BFP and sat in front of the screen with tears in my eyes. I’m so looking forward to hearing about all the steps to come.
Sorry I am late to offer my congrats! I am very excited for you. I hope the numbers keep going up and up!
I am SO excited for you!
I am so excited for you! I remember after 2 early losses getting that 3rd BFP with great betas and just wishing it would be the second tri already. I wanted them to double, then have a good ultrasound, see a heartbeat, start showing… Here I am now with a healthy, vivacious, happy almost 6 month old boy and it seems so long ago.
I am SO HAPPY for you and I look forward to hearing your next fantastic numbers, that you saw the heartbeat, that you feel him/her kick and all the way up to pictures of your beautiful healthy baby. I am keeping you guys in my thoughts and I just have a really good feeling that for you, like me, 3rd time is the charm.
If there’s any rightness in the world, this one will stick and be born healthy without ANY problems. Because you guys deserve ‘normal’ more than anyone.
Whenever you cross my mind (and you’ve been flitting through there a lot these past few days), I start smiling. My face hurts because I’ve been smiling so much, and I think my coworkers are starting to wonder.
It’s amazing how much excitment one can have for someone they’ve never actually met!
It IS your turn. And I’m so so pleased as punch for you. For the beta number, for the pains, for everything. I hope this one is IT, and that the time passes quickly for you.
Offically “de-lurking” to say CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy for you!!
Aw love. So awesome. :)
I always felt really “right” with this one too.. in a way that I didn’t with the one I lost. It just felt so “stable” in there. There was no other way for me to put it. We women really know our bodies huh?
I just started reading your blog yesterday. I found your link on JM. :) I just wanted to say congratulation and I hope everything keeps going well. It’s your turn for sure.
It most certainly is your turn! I’m so happy for you and hoping so much that you have a healthy, peaceful (as much as possible) pregnancy that ends with a beautiful, healthy baby you get to bring home.
When I was pregnant with Austin, I had round ligament pain and mild cramping very early on, and it is exciting to have those indications that something is happening. I hope the first trimester passes quickly for you.
Did you tell work yet? How did they react?
I am hoping this one is your turn!! As another infertile I know how each step brings you closer but it is hard to keep from being reserved!
I check your blog everyday ( and have since I found it about 1.5 years ago)
Good luck!
Bridget
OMG, I absolutely hate when they take forever to call with a beta result. With my 2nd one, I think it was around 3 pm also, and I was thisclose to throwing my phone through a (closed) window. AAAAAAAGH.
It is so far beyond your turn, it’s not even funny. I’m just crossing everything that this time you finally get the outcome you deserve. I hear you on wanting to skip the first trimester. If I had my way I’d fast forward through the entire freaking pregnancy. Just give me the baby already. ALIVE.
Lurker here….
SO FREAKIN HAPPY for you Natalie!
Hello…I am just one more stranger who is sending you lots of love and support and good baby vibes. I found your blog through another blog and I cried when I read your story– you have great strength and so much heart…I can’t wait to see the pictures of this babe when he/she arrives. Good luck and have a happy healthy and fast pregnancy!
I can’t even explain how freaking happy I am for you and your husband. <3
That’s right sweetie, one step at a time. =)
I’m another stranger (from JM). I’ve been following your story since you lost your precious Devin, and I have to tell you that I am SOOOOOOOO ecstatic for you and Den! I am crossing all of my crossables that this is a sticky bean and that you will be bringing home a healthy happy baby in 9 months! Ahhhhhhhhhh I’m sooooo happy for you!!
I am so excited for you guys. The comments people are leaving you are so heartfelt – I’ve been tearing up reading through them. You have constantly been in my thoughts and I am so very happy that things have gone so well!!!
Wow wow wow!!! It is definitely your turn!! Fingers crossed this one sticks!!
Just de-lurking (I have read you for a looooong time!) to wish you the very best. So happy and excited for you! I hope you get to enjoy your pregnancy and the beautiful baby that you have waited so long for.
OMG, OMG, OMG! This is the best news ever! I am so happy for you. You so deserve a smooth and easy ride from here on out.
Just 34-36 weeks to go! I’ve been reading along since you lost your sweet Devin and, along with the rest of the Internet, I’ll be following until you hold this beautiful babe in your arms. We’ll all be here as you experience the unbelievable joy and sheer terror of this pregnancy and childbirth. Have you told your family?? Big love coming atcha thru the ethernet!!
OMG again Nat! You ARE having a baby! This one is NOT going to be ectopic. You ARE feeling the pains and twinges of GROWTH. This is all GREAT news, stop waiting for the bad. Just relax and think in the present, meaning day by day. The future will just fall into place as you achieve each day/milestone. Always praying for you girl. I can’t wait each day to read your updates.
You are right, its totally your turn!!!
Sending lots of sticky dust to you.
I was the same way when i got pregnant with my younger twins, after suffering through a loss myself, it took awhile before i could really get excited with my pregnancy following my loss, it wasn’t till i could feel the kicks on a daily basis before i could get comfortable enough to believe everything would be alright.
Yes, it’s your turn and it will turn out well.
I, too, was like you when I got pregnant with my daughter. It was hard to believe that there was a baby in there until I felt movement (from 14 weeks onwards) and saw her on the ultrasound at the gynaecologist’s. Even though the pregnancy went well, there were times I’d panic if I didn’t feel any or much movement. Fortunately, the midwives were understanding if I called to come by just to hear the heartbeat (my husband didn’t want me to hire a doppler because he feared I’d freak out if I couldn’t find the heartbeat).
Natalie I’ve been following your blog since right before the time you lost Devin (friend of a friend of a friend recommended it) anyhow, I may have commented once or twice but wanted to extend my congrats!!!!!!! My entire “mommy board” forum reads your blog and we’re all pretty elated for you! For what its worth I have a “good feeling”…I know that means crap but I feel like this is one for you! Here’s wishing you a wonderful and delighful pregnancy…you so deserve it!