Well it was nice while it lasted
The warm glow of betas has worn off and I found myself staring at my ceiling at 4am, worrying. Worrying that things aren’t growing right in there, and there’s no way to know about it. Not for two weeks. How the fuck do I get through another two weeks? I am terrified that this isn’t going to end up being real… that something is going to go wrong.
Of course with the worries comes another thought, one that I set myself up for: that because I am scared it means something is wrong. Which is foolish, because anyone who has gone through a loss – and many who haven’t – are scared, doing bathroom checks and fretting over symptoms. It’s so hard, especially this early, to really believe it. But what I’m feeling is pure, abject fear, not the feeling that something feels wrong. It is the fear that these symptoms will go away, fear that the ultrasound will bring bad news.
I have no cramps, no pains (other than the gas that comes and goes!). I had the tiniest tinge of pink in my prometrium, which is probably from jabbing my cervix putting the prometrium in. (I mean, so light pink that I had to squint, it was like off-yellow instead of yellow.) And I’m willing to bet that’s what triggered me. Of course that was hours ago and there’s been nothing since, and it’s a far cry from bright red bleeding like I had during my ectopic. But the memories are sitting there, right below the surface. I’m flashing back to those two weeks, the bleeding, the sinking heart, the bad result. I’m fairly certain this is not ectopic, but still there’s the worry of miscarriage. Always the worry.
I am never going to have another pregnancy like Devin’s, when I didn’t spare a thought for what could go wrong. Not after what I’ve been through. I’m sad for that, too. I have a glimpse into the fear I will feel later, closer to the end. This is going to be hell. Well worth it, and there will be many good, wonderful moments – but there is going to be a lot of fear. No… terror. I am so angry that not only was Devin’s pregnancy taken from me too soon, but so did the chance of ever having another one that carefree.
I try to tell myself that there’s nothing that I can do. This worry is real, and I accept the fear for what it is, but it cannot change nor predict the outcome. I remind myself of all the people out there who get pregnant and have babies. I remind myself that I myself once before got pregnant and had a baby. I know damn well that this stage is pretty much symptom-free – I never did feel much anyways.
Except for the puking. I always felt that pretty damn well. And apparently it has started today – or at least taken a good step forward. Dry heaving twice today (once in Walmart, once just now at home). And, really, that’s a pretty damn good sign that everything is okay so far.
Sheesh girl, your blog title scared the shit out of me when I saw it in my RSS feed.
*big hug*
Oh Nat, I know how you feel. Pregnancy is a stressful time for everyone. If you have the slightest bleeding you should go to U/S to ease your mind. You’re a special patient (just had an ectopic)they should check you out.
Hugs
Nat, it is very natural to have the fear you do, but of course you realize that yourself so I’m pointing out the obvious. But there is something you can do- ask to go in to the doc’s office for earlier ultrasounds or even just bloodwork. I was an RPLer (recurrent pg loss- 8 losses in total), and I did a lot of reading (and sadly, experiencing) about the things that can be done to stemm the fear in these early days of a new pregnancy, and one of the big things recommended is just lots of actual reassurance- scans, b/w, etc. I know that REs who deal with RPLers usually offer up several early ultrasounds and several rounds of b/w (for example, with our 2nd tri loss pg, we had b/w every 3 days till week 7 and had FOUR u/s before week 7).
Having said that, it’s a double-edged sword if you don’t know enough to take everything you see with a grain of salt. As in, if you go in during your 5th week, expect ONLY to see a sac, no matter how many stories you see online of HBs, etc. And if you go during your 6th week, know that as long as sac, fetal pole, etc. is there, no HB is OK as long as it is visualized by week 7. Etc.
Anyway, fwiw, it did help calm me down quite a bit during that phase, but I was also spotting a tiny bit which terrified me (this was my 6th pregnancy). It’s not a technique for everyone, but given your penchant for information, I thought it might appeal to you.
I’m sure givn your history, your RE would be more than open to it.
Having said all of that, everything sounds FINE and as you recognize, the nausea is a great sign that all is firmly on track!
I’m STILL having feelings like this. It’s so, so hard. And so normal. I hope that the light of day brings some brighter thoughts.
I STILL get those feelings. It’s so hard. But natural, too. I hope the light of day brings some brighter thoughts. (And I hope this isn’t a double post; I tried to post once already, and it’s not showing up.)
I wish they’d move your u/s up a bit. You’ll be (I think) 6 weeks 6 days on October 5? Might be worth calling to see if they’d consider pushing it back at all.
And, aside from a few details, I could have written this post myself. I am completely obsessed with the thought that I’m going to miscarry this time. Should I be so lucky as to get past the miscarriage stage, I will be consumed with thoughts of another stillbirth. I don’t even want to imagine what that fear will be like. I try to remind myself of all the bloggers I know who have had healthy babies after a previous stillbirth, but it doesn’t help much, because everyone’s story is unique.
So no advice, just HUGS.
awww im sorry nat. i mean a pregnancy is stressful as is.. i cannot possibly imagine what you are going through and my heart goes out to you…Especially the times when you have to wait.. ugh i hate waiting…i bet you do too, especially for something like this but it will all be worth it in the end…the thing is you could go to ER but by them doing an u/s most likely it will not show a hb and then you may have to stress over that…ugh i wish things were easier for you.. i really do hun…best of luck and keeping you and baby bubs in my thoughts..
Gosh I can ‘feel’ the fear you have in your words – how I wish I could take it away for you Nat.
I don’t want to become one of those people that always reply with a ‘what happened to me was..’ story but…I do have to say, there’s a point to my post LOL.
We were so high risk they told us NOT to get pregnant until I could have surgery and with our IVF difficulty over the years we were like, seriously? Like that could happen! If it did happen, they would advise us to terminate the pregnancy due to the high risk of second/third trimester lost.
Anyway….it was a complete and utter fluke of nature that we *did* wind up pregnant and we didn’t find out until 9 weeks in. I sobbed because after all of this – they were going to now take our chance away from us? We were so far into the 1st trimester though they defered to us and agreed…no, it was too late to do so.
So now…we were faced with the knowledge that 83% of the pregnancies with such risk will not end bringing a baby home. How can you possibly go through that? How can you live in fear that the odds are stacked against you SO much?
You can’t, Nat. Really…you can worry, you can freak out, you can panic and read into every sign, change, or incident and think the worst. It’s not going to change the outcome. It’s not going to keep whatever is going to happen from happening, you know? You just have to sit there and BREATHE and think…I can do this. You can choose to let you make the next months so full of worry or you can try your best to let go of the fear and ENJOY these precious months.
Please don’t take me wrong – you of all people have justifiable fears and worries! Of course you do! This is your time….and I’m so very excited for you! I just know, looking back….I spent so much time in fear and in worry, it consumed what could have been a much more enjoyable pregnancy. Once we chalked it up to ‘what is going to happen will happen’ and had faith that we were supposed to make it to the end…well everything else was so much easier.
Good luck Nat….I’ll go back to lurkdom now…but I know this pregnancy is going to go just fine!
I know you don’t know me, I have only posted a few times, I am a longtime blackberry lurker, or silent cheerleader if you will.
I am very open with my struggles and loses to whomever and whenever, this topic is always brought up, my opinion is… the second worst thing that pregnancy and child lose brings about, or I should say takes away, is future innocence and joy of pregnancies. Many people who have not experiened lose first hand have no clue and are surprised when you are not a ball of happiness spilling rainbows from every orfice 24 hours a day when you do finally get pregnant again. The fear is real, warranted, and guaranteed, how you deal with it is the only variable. These 9 months are going to be tough, the fear will be with you most of the time, but so will we.
oh yeah..all you can do is hope for the big, nasty symptoms. bring on the nausea. it’s only those that get you through these horrible two weeks till heartbeat time. here’s hoping for lots of vomit. when my symptoms got stronger i was overjoyed. and any time they waned (and they did) i was terrified. double edged sword. all i can say is please let Oct 5 get here faster than anyone believes possible.
Geesh woman! Don’t scare us with blog titles like that. I had to swallow my heart back down.
I am so sorry for the fear. I hate that you can’t have another pregnancy like Devin’s. It is just not fair to have that ripped away from you when you feel like you should be totally blissful.
Ultrasound time will be here before you know it. ((hug))