The ever-slow wait
I am just so relieved. Two days ago we found a considerably sized lump on Zeeke’s jaw. It wasn’t soft and squishy like a fat deposit, but it seemed to appear out of nowhere. So today Den took him off to the vet’s to get it looked at. This dog has had so many different things wrong with him (unlike my other dogs, who have only ever had to go to the vet for vaccines and spay), and I kept thinking, shit, what if it’s a tumor. My brother’s dog died of cancer a year and a half ago. Even though Zeeke is a major asshole 90% of the time, he’s a part of our family. I was so happy when Den came home, gave me the paperwork, and told me that the vet took a sample of the lump and found a bunch of bacteria and white blood cells… that means infection, not tumor. We just have to tuck some meds in peanut butter for 2 weeks and he should be fine.
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Today I had brown spotting in the morning, nothing the rest of the day. I’ve started feeling… twinges. In my cervix. I couldn’t even call them cramps, just like little tweaks. But I don’t like it.
The anxiety is starting to creep back in. I’m most nervous about tomorrow. I know it makes no logical sense that anything would happen on any kind of predictable timeline, but last week Thursday I had the bleeding. I just wish I could stay home in bed all day. I don’t like having to work, to be active on my feet. I’m just… nervous. Earlier this week I was feeling really good and thinking it would be no problem to get to Monday, but now I feel like I might not get there without another meltdown.
I realize I’m not going to feel okay until we see the heartbeat. And even then I think the relief is only going to last about a week. I’m slowly coming to accept that, but it makes me angry that I have to live in these little short bursts of fear and temporary well-being.
I had lots of twinges in my cervix with my 1st pregnancy, especially while walking. I was absolutely convinced my cervix was dilating but my OB assured me it was caused by the increased blood flow to the area. I also had bleeding with both pregnancies. VERY scary.
I just wanted to sleep through the pregnancy and wake up with a baby 9 months later so I didn’t have to deal with all of the anxiety, and I didn’t go through nearly as much as you have.
Good luck tomorrow.
Can you just call in sick? I really don’t blame you for being fearful and anxious.
Leigh – I could, but I think that would be pretty pointless, as this will not be the first nor the last day I have been scared. I think it’s something I’m just going to have to deal with… either go in for an ultrasound if I need it, or just breathe through it.
Katy – Yeah, I know twinges are very normal. I mean, I know on an intellectual level. I just keep telling myself that. It helps a little.
I’m so glad Zeeke is okay.
The reassurance won’t last long, and the fear will creep back, but take the reassurance where you can – it’s worth more than gold.
I am midway through my 5th week and have been having cramping/twinges off and on pretty much the whole time so far. I thought I was getting my period and was not pregnant, actually! I have been assured by many women in my family and the doctor and the scary scary internet that this is completely normal.
Anyway, I’m sure you’re telling yourself this anyway, but you can’t stop anything bad from happening by worrying like that. You *can* make things worse though – my eastern medicine specialist was very very clear that stress should be avoided whenever possible for both my well being and the baby’s. But sigh – I DO know how futile it can be to try and stop worrying, or feeling stressed. It’s like … trying to stop breathing, or thinking.
Never posted here before but I love reading your blog (although I do feel a bit of a voyeur sometimes!) Best of luck to you.
Kelly – Well now you’re a participant, not a voyeur. ;) Hubby would call me an exhibitionist at times, anyways. LOL And yeah. I keep telling myself over and over and over…
Nat you’ll probably NEVER exhale and be confident that all will be okay. Those days are over because of your experience–but that doesn’t mean that things won’t be OK, it just means you’ll never BELIEVE it’ll be okay. Take one step at a time. Next up–ultrasound and heart beat. Then, second trimester…you get it. I’m so proud of you and think of you all the time :)
I hate that babies can’t bake in like 3 months and have it be done with… 9 months is so damn long for people to worry!
Hiya just delurking to say…. You are doing so very well. It is understandable you are worrying. I hope today is a good day for you, with love x
From your personal experience it is hard to believe everything will be ok but it can be!
I hope for you!!!
I also had the cervix twinges early on in my pregnancy–it felt like little shocks….and also every now and again light brown spotting..especially in the first trimester. Glad you are ok. Waiting for Monday!