[5w5d]

Today I opened up my blog starting at my BFP with Devin and read the next few weeks worth of entries. This is the first time since his death that I’ve been able to do that. I’ve re-read his birth story a hundred times. I’ve even re-read the last few weeks leading up to his death/birth, looking for something, looking for clues, for signs. But I just couldn’t choke back my grief enough to read back to the first few days, weeks, months, when I was so blissfully happy and didn’t know what was coming. It feels like the worst kind of dramatic irony, the audience knowing what is coming while the writer, the protagonist, doesn’t. It’s just so bitter.

But now being pregnant myself, I found myself wondering how this time differs from that time. I have memories, of course, about this and that, but as we all know, memories can be foggy and incorrect. I have some notes here and there, but they leave a lot out.

So today I read. And I smiled.

The old me mentioned foot cramps. I blinked in surprize, since I don’t remember that from early pregnancy, I just remember them in my third trimester. I’ve been having those this time too – I thought it was earlier this time, but I guess not.

It also seems that my nausea started at 5w4d. First dry heaving, 6w2d. Started really throwing up at around 7w5d. This time? Well I’m 5w5d and have already thrown up several times. One can only hope that this means it’s going to end sooner this time.