Learning to parent your child is quite interesting. I didn’t really prepare much – I didn’t read parenting books, and I skipped those sections in my pregnancy books. My attitude was more or less, let’s get her here first, I’ll worry about the rest later. And that’s simply what I had to do at the time. Well now she’s here and there are so many things I don’t know. Den and I find ourselves frequently looking over a situation saying things like, “Ummm, are we supposed to do this? Or that?” We try to take Kate’s lead on everything, and we try to listen to our instincts, but at the same time we’re kind of paranoid first-time parents. We like to make sure that it’s “okay.”

Especially when you get into the realm of breastfeeding, I’m paranoid about messing up my supply. I read the books, and it doesn’t seem that difficult. But you know what? Real life doesn’t play out like the books happily illustrate. I have had to go running to my friends a few times with questions. (Thankfully I have wonderful friends!) It certainly doesn’t help that I’m paranoid. One minute I’m convinced I have an oversupply (and to be true, I was/am terribly engorged). I pumped off the excess, then spent the rest of the day paranoid that I didn’t have enough to feed her. This worry thing, it is not logical or linear.

On top of being first-time parents we’re also just getting to know our daughter, and she’s just figuring out her own preferences and personality.

Like with sleep. Kate is still a great sleeper, with one minor (ha) problem: she hates sleeping in her bed. The first few days she’d sleep anywhere, for as long as we wanted, basically. Now she’s starting to be awake more during the day, which is great, but she’s also started to fuss more when we want her to sleep – not so great. One thing seems very clear to us: she hates being flat on her back on a firm surface. You know, the way you are supposed to put babies to sleep. I’ve been noticing over the last few days that she’s gotten progressively worse at this sleeping at night thing – but it’s not a time of day thing. I try to take a nap in the middle of the day and as soon as I put her down beside me she starts waking up, fussing, and finally full out screaming. I change her diaper, I nurse her, I calm her down…. put her back down and the same thing happens. Which is bad enough by itself, but I was beyond tired and really needed a nice nap. It is just so frustrating to see my peacefully sleeping baby wake up and become so upset. She absolutely loves her baby papasan swing, and she sleeps great in our arms or on our laps. Heck she can even be passed around while asleep and she just makes little squeaks and stretches and sleeps on. Just don’t lay her down. Even if you’re right there, touching her, talking to her…. nope, no can do.

So now we’re looking at alternate sleep solutions and trying to adjust. At this point I just want some good solid sleep, without cracking my eye open every 2 minutes waiting for the inevitable wake-up-and-cry. Thank goodness there are two of us. The best sleep I get is when Den takes her after I’ve nursed her and lets her sleep on his chest for a few hours while I sleep.

We’ll get this figured out. It’s just frustrating in the meantime.

Week 2 has definitely been harder than the first week was. Katherine is sleeping less – it is nice to see her eyes now and again, but her pattern is changing over from the “I’m so tired, I just need sleep!” of the just newly born to more of a typical newborn schedule. Which is to say, she has preferences and fussy times and she’s even actually awake sometimes, just staring around.

She’s started cluster-feeding in the evenings. After over 2 hours of nursing her (we changed her, burped her, switched sides… then she’d cry and want more boob) I finally handed her over to Den for a little bit, my nipples were so sore. And after she finally fell asleep (yes, after yet more nursing) I handed her over again and took a nap. I know it is perfectly normal to have a fussy period in the evening and to cluster-feed through it, it just gets draining when you are the only thing that can calm her down and your nipples are burning.

Last night she slept in her bouncer for a good portion of the night, which seemed to work a lot better than the co-sleeper, she didn’t keep waking back up. When she woke to feed the first time she ended up sleeping for a while in my arms, feeding again, then I put her back in the bouncer. I’m going to be picking up a baby papasan infant seat, since she loves her baby papasan swing so very much. I really like how she sits in it, she looks very comfy and safe. Hopefully that will be part of the solution for the next few months. I did find some really need sleep things that would totally work, but they were over $100! Granted if nothing else works I’d do it, but I really don’t want to fork over that much more money on top of what we’ve already spent on the cosleeper and everything else.

Beyond all the normal newborn stuff I find myself struggling a little bit with this new identity – becoming a parent, becoming a stay-at-home-mom. It’s a dream I have carried around for 4 1/2 years now, so I’ve had a lot of time to build a mental image of what it will be and I find myself frequently stopping to wonder if this is what I imagined it to be. I have to admit, it’s very intimidating to look down at this little being and realizing that we’re responsible for her forever. Other people will be around to help here and there, but she’s ours, it’s up to Denis and I to raise her, teach her, take care of her. There is no walking away when you’re exhausted, sore, frustrated… this is it. And, yeah, it’s scary.

Becoming a SAHM is a little intimidating, too. I know it’s the right choice for me, for us, and I’m so so glad I have the opportunity to do it. But at the same time there is a little fear in the back of my head wondering if I’m ready to do this by myself. Den is home with us for another several more weeks, and we’re doing really well as a family. But then he heads back to work and I no longer have that extra pair of hands. It’s going to be different, going to be an adjustment. Right now this feels like a big family vacation, but when he goes back to work that’s it, that’s going to be my new daily life. Part of me wants to get into that routine, but I’m really glad that Den is home right now, especially with my known anxiety issues.

I still have some generalized, non-specific anxiety floating around, and it seems to get worse when I’m tired. Yesterday we were out most of the day and by the end it was a struggle to keep calm. I am happy to let others hold my baby, but there came a point where I could feel the anxiety creeping up on me and I knew I needed her back to help me stay centered. This anxiety is frustrating because I immediately recognize it as “other” – it’s not normal, it’s not caused by something external, it’s just the hormones playing up on me combined with this huge life change. I am really looking forward to everything settling down and my brain getting back to normal. I’m just not sure how long that will take. If it doesn’t go away in the next week or two I’ll be looking at increasing my meds dosage. (I’m already on meds for anxiety/depression, but they’ve been at a consistent dosage for the last 8+ years and have done me very well. This is the first time I’ve ever felt the need to mess with them.)

I know I’m going to have to get out of the house several times a week, and I’m going to have to start some hobbies again. (I had hobbies. I lost them when I started working full time plus doing IVF or being pregnant – I didn’t have time!) I just really hope that Kate and I find a groove. I guess that’s really what it comes down to. It’s a little rough right now because we’re still trying to figure her out, she’s still trying to figure the “outside the womb” thing out, and it’s all just very new and overwhelming for everyone. I need to just have faith that we’ll settle in and figure it out, and we’ll be happy with our new routines.

Just dropping off pictures, since Ms Kate has me up at 3:30am. (We go to bed and she nurses… and then screams and screams… and also plays this lovely little game of latch-and-tug, which put me in a bad mood because both nipples are rather sore to start with and the whole tug thing? NOT a fan. Turns out it was gas. Now she feels much better and is asleep. I, however, am still recovering.)

She’s changing already. But you were right, even though I think she was wicked cute to start with, I think she’s even more cute now.

Breastfeeding is harder than expected. After doing it for nearly two weeks I have a much greater appreciation for why people try it and decide to go with formula. I realized it was going to take a lot of time and I was prepared for that, but I don’t think I was prepared for how much pain is involved in figuring it out and how after cluster-feeding for several hours on already sore and sensitive nipples all you really want to do is remove your boobs from your body. That being said, I know it will get better and I have absolutely not intention whatsoever of giving up. I believe that this is what is best for my baby, best for me, and that I will make it work.

It’s already getting better. My nipples are not blistered anymore, though they’re still sore enough that I have to shower carefully so I can avoid the spray hitting them, and that sometimes even the fabric from my bra hurts. I’m also not engorged 24/7 anymore. I think it was about Monday morning when I pumped off some of the excess after Katherine had her breakfast, just enough that I no longer felt like I had bowling balls on my chest – up until that point she was never draining the boobs, they always hurt. Since then it hasn’t come back quite as bad. After she zonks out for a several-hour nap they do get hard and sore, but thankfully it’s short-lived before she empties them.

Kate has developed an evening fussy period, something that I know is very common. Last night it was some gas bubbles at fault, so we’re trying to make sure we burp her when she starts fussing. Then of course there’s a couple of diaper changes and feeding. On one hand I’m really glad I’m breastfeeding so I can put her to the boob when she’s fussy – tonight she was on and off the boob for several hours, cluster-feeding. It’s hard on the nipples, but it’s really really good to have something that can calm her down so she’s not screaming for 3 hours straight. We do give her a pacifier sometimes, such as when she’s really fussy and just wants to suck on something, but tonight even that wasn’t working, she’d spit it out. She wanted boob. And she wasn’t even eating, just half-heartedly sucking – and at one point she’d just open her mouth wide over my nipple and not suck at all, that was weird. But it didn’t matter, she wanted boob and nothing else. But it’s okay, as long as she’s latching proper and not yanking on my nipple (NOT fond of that new habit when she’s seriously fussy) then I’m cool with turning on the TV for an hour while she halfheartedly nurses.

Cloth diapers are going well still, but I’m wishing we had more diapers. We have 3 dozen prefolds, which looks like a lot until you keep some in the basement, some in the diaper bag, and some in an emergency bag in the truck… and then you want to do laundry only every other day… well suddenly you’re looking at the ever-shrinking stack of diapers with trepidation. I think I’ll be ordering more – and more wipes, too. Kate’s also growing into the x-small thirsties better, we’re using them now that her umbilical cord stump has fallen off. People were right, we definitely like them! They’re nice and stretchy to get a good fit, and not bulky like some other covers. I’m going to get more of those, too.

::

Letting go of being pregnant has been FAR easier with a newborn napping on my lap. I’m not seeing any of the body image issues I had after Devin, even though this time I got a couple of stretch marks to show for hitting full term. At 1 week post-partum I had lost half of the 30lbs I had gained during pregnancy, which makes me extremely pleased. I’ll probably quickly drop another few pounds leaving me about 10 to work off, like last time. Except this time I plan to actually do something to get rid of it.

My SIL, who is pregnant with twins and due in August, is very quickly rounding out into a most enviable pregnant belly. But all those fears of how I am going to handle her having baby boys seem a lot less scary now that Kate is here. I was scared, so scared, that I was going to end up empty-handed again and have to suffer through more babies. But Kate is here, she’s healthy, she’s alive. I hold her up and tell her that soon she will have cousins close in age to play with. I think sometimes I’m even a little excited about it, her having someone her own age (though with them being twin boys I do have some silly fears that she’ll be the third wheel).

A lot of things are easier now. Den and I don’t turn the channel when babies/birth stories come on TV – even when they irritate the hell out of us, they no longer have us jumping to change the channel. We see babies in stores and smile. I walk straight into the baby section in the store without any hesitation, because now I belong there. Den even mentioned something about a kids play center near the house, then paused and said, “That’s actually reality now, not just possibility.”

Katherine has brought so much healing into our lives… just by existing. Just by being born.

Hooboy, I’m starting to lose it. Last night went like the previous nights: I’d nurse her to sleep, I’d carefully and gently put her in her cosleeper (which we had modified: mattress on a slight incline, sleep positioner to make her feel snug), I’d lay down and close my eyes… and she’d wake up and start fussing, then swinging arms, then crying. Rinse, repeat. I slept for about 2 hours with her nestled against my belly after nursing, and then after the next nursing session and attempt at putting her to sleep I ended up putting her in her swing in the living room, pulling over the futon, and falling asleep there. I think I got about 3 hours of sleep on the futon before she woke up again.

So I’m running short of sleep today again as we headed into another evening of crying and cluster-feeding for well over 3 hours. It’s not even just that I was exhausted, because while I’m tired I’m not falling-over exhausted. But the combination of tired plus constant nursing on sore nipples plus crying baby all ended with me sobbing gently and Den trying to save me. I told him there was nothing he could do, the only thing she wanted was boob, but he insisted I go take a nap and leave her. I have no idea what he did or how well she was, but I napped for about an hour before he woke me up to feed her again. Even just that felt great.

Like I said, it’s not like I’m falling over with exhaustion – though that day will soon come if she continues not sleeping at night. It’s just so damn hard having an upset baby for that length of time. I almost couldn’t leave her with Den, because she was crying and it kills me when she cries. She not only looks sad, she sounds absolutely pitiful. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy and I just want to cry with her. The feeding non-stop doesn’t help, either; even though logically I know it’s normal to cluster-feed like this it still makes me worry that she’s getting enough. But she only cluster-feeds in the evening, she poops and pees plenty… but you know how it is. Mommy anxiety.

This mommy anxiety is rough – and I mean, the “normal” stuff besides the weird panic attacks I was having. This is the stuff everyone warned me about: now that she’s here and safe, I still don’t feel “safe.” I worry about her suffocating. I worry about dropping her. I worry about her eating enough. Just like I used to check to make sure she was still kicking, now I check to make sure she’s still breathing. It’s not an obsession or anything, it’s not overwhelming… but I just have those flashes of worry. I’d love to believe they’ll go away, but from what everyone has told me this is kind of a parent thing and I’ll worry about her the rest of her life. One day she’ll be saying, “Mo-ooommm!” when I ask her to call me when she gets there, just like I used to do to my mom.

Den said to me tonight, “So remember when you said you wanted her to stay this age forever?” Yeah, yeah, okay…. maybe it’s a good thing that this is just temporary.

I hope my last few posts didn’t come across as despondent, because honestly, it’s not that bad. Is it hard? Yes. But I have an amazing husband (who has not gone back to work yet, so he’s here full-time to do this parenting thing with me), I have a lovely daughter, and I’m just trying to figure the rest out. I do want to make sure I write it all down, though… I want to remember all of this, even the hard bits. I promise to post lots of gushy bits, too… they come pretty much in equal measure.

Yesterday I made my first purchase off of craig’s list. I figured that since Katherine loves (LOVES!) her baby papasan swing so much that it would be good to try the baby papasan infant seat in the bedroom. Much to my delight there was one available on craig’s list and yesterday we drove out to pick it up. It was a good price, it was in good shape, and I was very happy to try it out.

We’ve tried different things at night: we put the cosleeper mattress on an incline, we used a sleep positioner so she’d feel snug, I’ve swaddled her (she woke up pissed that she couldn’t move her arms), not swaddled her, used the bouncy seat… no dice. Now keep in mind that she sleeps great during the day, either when one of us are holding her or in her swing. But at night when I just really wanted to lay down and sleep, too, I’d nurse her to sleep then tenderly put her down… and she’d wake up 5 minutes later, flail around a little bit, and start crying. When sleeping she cycles frequently between a deep sleep (when she’s out cold and nothing can wake her) and a lighter, active sleep (when she’s squeaking, smiling, wiggling). What I have noticed is that if she’s asleep on one of us she’ll frequently open her eyes and glance around during her lighter sleep, then sigh and fall back asleep. But when she’s in her cosleeper or bouncer or wherever she just isn’t happy and can’t – or won’t – resettle once she hits one of those lighter sleep periods. Except in her swing; for whatever reason she’s happily slept for 3-hour stretches in her swing since day one…. it’s the one place we can put her down to sleep and go eat, shower, or just stop sweating. (It is horribly humid, when she’s laying on me I sweat like crazy, yuck!)

Thus the reason for buying the infant seat. We got it set up, I nursed her to sleep, I carefully put her down in the seat. She sighed, settled, and continued sleeping. I was excited! And then….. THHHBBTTTTTTT. She filled her diaper. I sighed and counted down… 3, 2, 1… Wah!. She woke up crying. So unfortunately I had to do it all over again: change, nurse, carefully put her down. There was some squirming in her sleep, some peeking around, so I flipped on the vibration feature. And she fell back asleep! Three times overnight she went down for sleep in her little chair, and three times she stayed asleep for a couple of hours before waking up to feed. I got actual sleep in bed! Ahhh! It was such a relief that she slept. Of course each time she’d start crying and I’d wake up I’d have this moment of panic wondering where the hell she was. I could hear her but she wasn’t nestled up against my belly, causing me to sit up and look around in a momentary panic. Of course she was in the infant seat right next to me (we put it in her cosleeper so she was literally right there).

She’s asleep on my lap right now, something that I really adore. She makes all kinds of squeaks and sighs as she sleeps – a little distracting at night (as I keep checking to make sure she’s still asleep), but during the day we frequently find ourselves just staring at her happily. I am trying to get pictures of her cute little faces.

We’re not getting a whole lot done, but we’re pretty happy with this life we have right now. We both wish Den could stay home from work permanently – it is so nice having him around. We watch a lot of movies and HGTV. I’m able to read a lot of stuff online, but writing is harder because I really hate typing with just one hand. My base of operations is my desk chair – it has arms on it, I put a pillow and then my boppy on my lap. Kate nestles on top against my chest, it’s just the right height for nursing. And the chair has wheels, so if needed I can slowly wheel myself across the room without disturbing her. My desk is in the living room so I’m able to watch TV, use my laptop, and eat (as long as someone brings me the food, lol) while my lap is occupied. It’s convenient, but my butt hurts sometimes, lol. Den has taken over the rocking recliner. He seems pretty comfy. He’s very good at soothing Kate and getting her to settle in his arms… he’s very handy to have around. ;)

A little over 2 weeks since she’s been born and this is starting to feel like the new normal – and that is such a great feeling. This is our life now, we’re settling in to a routine (well, sort of – it’s not much of a routine, lol), we’re getting used to this living with a baby. Our baby.

We get up whenever we get up – sometimes it’s at 8am, sometimes it’s not until 11am, depends how well she slept that night. She’s waking every 3 hours or so, I have to feed her and sometimes we have to change her – I’ve been letting Den deal with the dipes so I can catch another few minutes of sleep, considering he can sleep while I feed. Den is spending a good deal of time doing work around the house and yard, all the things that he’s been meaning to do but hasn’t gotten around to. It’s nice because he’s right there if I need an extra hand. He gets things done, then spends the rest of the day with Kate and I.

The breastfeeding is still hurting like a bitch. I knew it might be hard, but holy hell I did not expect it to be this rough on my nipples. Friends tell me that they’ll get used to it very soon and it’ll stop hurting – I’m really looking forward to that day. Thankfully the blisters are gone, they’re just really raw and sensitive. Usually it’s not bad during the day, but when she starts cluster-feeding and nursing to soothe for 2 solid hours in the evening, well, then I just want to rip my boobs off my body for a little while. But I know Kate is eating well, getting lots of milk, she’s happy… that’s the important part.

We’re slowly figuring out that her fussiness in the evening is gas – and when she’s fussy she wants the boob. I’m trying to make sure to burp her really well during and after she eats, and that seems to be helping. She sure gives some good burps. I’m also trying to keep her upright when I can, like letting her sleep on my chest or in a tummy-to-tummy hold in the ringsling. Kate does love her swing but she prefers to be snuggled up to one of us, which honestly is just fine with us, we just love cuddling with her while she sleeps so peacefully. I love to nuzzle and kiss her sweet little head as I rock in the rocking chair.

I watch a lot of HGTV while laying back in the rocking chair with Kate nestled against me. I don’t get a whole lot done in the day, but you know I really don’t care. This is the best way to spend my days.

I just watched a show on TV about IVF and a surrogate pregnancy. It made me tear up for all the right reasons. It’s been quite a long time since the beginning of this journey and sometimes I forget – or at least gloss over in my head – all that we went through to get to this point. Watching the TV show talk about in vitro and how embryos are created in a petri dish… well, it’s pretty amazing. It was amazing when I was pregnant, and it’s even more amazing now that I have a child sleeping in my arms. How did we get from there to here? I am so thankful for technology, and so appreciative of my persistence in going through all of that so many times. But here we are, a tiny baby squeaking and smiling in her sleep.

It’s been nearly 3 weeks now and we’re settling into our roles. It feels far more normal now, much less crazy and surreal. Kate has moved in and become part of our lives. I am just so incredibly happy being the mama. In so many ways I haven’t changed, I was always the mama at heart… but now I have someone who needs me to take care of them. She’s happiest asleep in my arms, and I’m totally okay with that. I’m happiest when she’s asleep in my arms. I feel warmer, more solid. She anchors me.

I love that she is our child. I love that she looks so very much like her brother. We look at her and think, wow, we did that. We have no idea how our genes managed to create such a beautiful child. I waste a lot of time every day just staring at her. Which is totally not a waste, since she’s either nursing or sleeping, and what better way to spend my time but soaking her in? She’s not going to be this little for long.

I still haven’t gone anywhere with Kate without Den to help, but Sunday I have a baby shower to go to and it will be just us. I think it’ll go fine. Den is home from work still but some days he spends outside doing yardwork, and some evenings he plays baseball. It’s good for me to get used to taking care of her by myself, since in a few weeks it will be just me all day. It’s a less scary prospect than it was a week ago. I think I’m figuring her out – whar she likes and doesn’t like, what her patterns are, what her cries mean. It’s very rewarding to say things like, “Oh, she’s crying because she’s tired, she’ll be asleep in 2 minutes,” and then she falls right to sleep.

I am glad that Den is able to stay home until we get her sleeping figured out… I’d hate to be the only caretaker all day after getting no sleep all night. At least right now I can hand her over after a feeding and take a nap (at least until she gets hungry). But we’re getting there. She still won’t sleep laying flat, but will sleep in the papasan chair – however it’s not a good, solid sleep, she rouses a lot and wakes up sooner than she should/would. So after the first night feed she’s been spending most of the night cuddled up to me because I really don’t want to waste half my sleep time trying to coax her to fall back asleep in her chair. We all need the sleep and are much happier for it. Den’s been doing the night diaper changes, though… I’ll definitely miss that when he goes back to work!

Kate is making typing up long posts quite difficult – not because I don’t have time, but because she is developing a strong preference for sleeping on me on the rocking recliner. I frequently nurse her ar my desk and can do plenty of web surfing, but only one-handed. I hate typing one-handed. I may have to get used to writing up posts from my blackberry (as I am now). My blackberry has been so wonderful to have while stuck here in the recliner half the day, it keeps me connected to the world.

I am starting to get the hang of things and am feeling much less intimidated by the thought of Den going back to work. Kate has settled into more of a predictable pattern plus I’m able to read her better, making it easier for me to know what to do. It’s rewarding to be the person who understands her best – I know how she likes to be held, what soothes her, when she wants what.

Unfortunately just as I’m figuring her out she has hit what I suspect is a growth spurt. She’s constantly fussy and fighting sleep, which makes it worse. She’ll finally fall asleep only to wake up 5 minutes later fussing and crying. Sometimes I think it’s gas, but last night there was definitely a period of those pathetic half-hearted cries that clearly say “I have no idea why I’m upset, but I’m really tired.” It was kind of funny, actually; she had a sad pout on her lips that was utterly pathetic. She fell asleep quickly, after I rocked and soothed her.

Breastfeeding is going well. Today I realized my nipples aren’t burning like they were, though they’re still sensitive. Kate eats well and certainly seems healthy – plenty of dirty diapers, for sure. She loves the boobie, though thankfully has been taking the pacifier when she just needs to suck (she spits it out and screams if she actually wants to eat). I never intended to give a pacifier but it works for her, it gives my poor boobs a much-needed break, and it hasn’t caused any problems with breastfeeding, so it seems to be working well for us. (We’re using the Soothie brand, in case you’re wondering. More like the boob than the other types.)

She’s continuing to get more clingy (and I don’t mean that in a bad way). The first week she would sleep anywhere, anytime. The second week she preferred to be held but loved the swing and did great in the carseat. This week even those are iffy – she wants to be held and cuddled or she just won’t sleep. Thankfully I have a ringsling and moby wrap, both of which she is really appreciating. I wore her in the moby when we went grocery shopping, she was tired and slept the whole time. I really really prefer wearing her so that if she does wake up I can easily sway and comfort her – unlike the carseat/stroller, when I have to lean over to talk to her… It doesn’t work nearly as well (and no wonder).

This is going to be a busy couple of days coming up, with some social commitments and appointments. I have no idea how it’s going to go with her fussing as she is lately. Hopefully she’ll chill out in the moby and all will be well.

Kate is a major boobie baby. Thankfully my nipples are far FAR better than they were a week ago – still red and sensitive, but I’m no longer squirming and curling my toes when she latches. Which is a really good thing, considering that she’s become much less enchanted with the pacifier – she’ll basically only take it if she’s half asleep, needs to suck, and isn’t aware enough of the difference. But when she’s just cranky? That pacifier just causes more screaming. She wants BOOB. Even though all she does is half-suck and fall asleep… doesn’t matter, she wants the boob. She currently is on the boppy, half-asleep, mouth open, an inch away from my nipple. I can’t move it or she’ll wake up and demand it back.

She seems so much bigger already! Though she’s still a peanut. I haven’t weighed her recently; I know she’s bigger, for sure, but she’s not huge by any means. But she’s changed. She seems so much longer – she’s uncurled. I saw some younger babies today and it was really weird to realize how Kate isn’t freshly-born anymore, and it’s only been 3 weeks! Her face has changed, too… it seems longer, less round and squished.

She’s having more awake time in a day, which is awesome. Only bad part is, she has no idea what to do with that awake time. She feeds, we change her, and then she spends the rest of the time fussing. And by “fussing” I mean the half-cry. She looks around the room then will turn her mouth down into a pout, furrow her brow, and say, “Wah!” And then she blinks and looks around the room again as if nothing happened. Then another, “Waaahhh!” I sit her up, lay her down, cuddle her close, put her on my chest, put her on my shoulder… and all I get is that sad face and a “Waaahhh!” The only thing that makes her happy for any length of time is – you guessed it – boobie. Doesn’t want the swing. Doesn’t want to be in the wrap. Doesn’t really look very tired, isn’t yawning. She’s… bored? Can a newborn be bored? Or just indecisive. Unimpressed. Though she did enjoy her playmat for a good 15-20 minutes this evening, that’s a new record. It was awful nice to be able to put her down somewhere she was happy so I could put some laundry away. Any other ideas? What the heck do babies want at this stage? Or is she just being a fusspot?

Sunday was my first day taking her somewhere by myself. The drive there and the time at the baby shower went perfectly – she slept the drive there, then I put her in the moby wrap and she slept the entire time. People kept commenting on what a good baby she is. And then we went to go home. She woke up and was Unhappy with a capital U. I fed her, changed her diaper, tried to calm her down. Put her in the carseat in the car and she screamed – I mean screamed – the entire way home. I stopped a couple of times to try to calm her down and to check if her diaper was dirty again or something. Oh it was awful, I wanted to cry! I felt like I was torturing her. When we got home I rushed to get her out of the carseat and cuddle her. She shuddered a little, tears in her eyes, whimpered, sighed, and fell asleep exhausted. I had all these horrible images of her doing this every time I take her out and suddenly my future was looking very home-bound. But then tonight I took her out again to a breastfeeding class. She was awake and fussy when I put her in the carseat to drive home, she started crying immediately. But then when the vehicle started moving she got quieter. Within 2 minutes she was asleep! Joy!! She sleeps in the car when I ride in the back seat – she definitely likes the motion – but I wasn’t sure she was going to sleep when I wasn’t right beside her, soothing her. I am thrilled to see that she can and will! Maybe I will sign up for some mom-and-baby classes, after all.

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Know what we got today? SMILES! Daddy got a whole bunch of them this morning, it was totally awesome.

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I am loving being a mom. LOVING it. Which gives me some conflicting feelings. I feel bad posting about how good this feels because I know how it feels to not have this. But then what always upset me most were people who didn’t appreciate what they had – those who had gone through hell and finally got there, they gave me hope. Maybe I’ll give other people some hope.

No my son isn’t here – and that pain will never go away. But at the same time I have my beautiful daughter. I don’t really think about what “should” be with Devin running around as a toddler. I simply have no concept of that. Kate is a little sister in a way – she has a brother that came before – but she’s still the “oldest”, if that makes any sense. He’ll always be a baby, he’ll always be gone. There never was a “Devin and Kate” together. It’s like we have two children in two totally different worlds.

I’m very careful about labels. I completely avoid any form of “now I’m a mother” referring to Kate’s birth. I will never again say that someone becomes a mother when their child is born, because in my opinion I was a mother when I was pregnant, I was and am a mother to Devin even though he was not born alive. But I am a different kind of mother now that Kate is home. As much as I am a mother to Devin, it’s not the same. This kind of mothering is… far more normal, and far easier. Now I’m the kind of mom that struggles running errands because the baby is crying; the kind that belongs to mom’s group; the kind that sways and hums. It’s this whole new world of motherhood – the kind that most people mean. Because of how confusing it all is, and how much explanation is required, I just avoid the whole subject. Yes I’m a mom – in many different ways.

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