Worry worry (try to sleep)
Hooboy, I’m starting to lose it. Last night went like the previous nights: I’d nurse her to sleep, I’d carefully and gently put her in her cosleeper (which we had modified: mattress on a slight incline, sleep positioner to make her feel snug), I’d lay down and close my eyes… and she’d wake up and start fussing, then swinging arms, then crying. Rinse, repeat. I slept for about 2 hours with her nestled against my belly after nursing, and then after the next nursing session and attempt at putting her to sleep I ended up putting her in her swing in the living room, pulling over the futon, and falling asleep there. I think I got about 3 hours of sleep on the futon before she woke up again.
So I’m running short of sleep today again as we headed into another evening of crying and cluster-feeding for well over 3 hours. It’s not even just that I was exhausted, because while I’m tired I’m not falling-over exhausted. But the combination of tired plus constant nursing on sore nipples plus crying baby all ended with me sobbing gently and Den trying to save me. I told him there was nothing he could do, the only thing she wanted was boob, but he insisted I go take a nap and leave her. I have no idea what he did or how well she was, but I napped for about an hour before he woke me up to feed her again. Even just that felt great.
Like I said, it’s not like I’m falling over with exhaustion – though that day will soon come if she continues not sleeping at night. It’s just so damn hard having an upset baby for that length of time. I almost couldn’t leave her with Den, because she was crying and it kills me when she cries. She not only looks sad, she sounds absolutely pitiful. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy and I just want to cry with her. The feeding non-stop doesn’t help, either; even though logically I know it’s normal to cluster-feed like this it still makes me worry that she’s getting enough. But she only cluster-feeds in the evening, she poops and pees plenty… but you know how it is. Mommy anxiety.
This mommy anxiety is rough – and I mean, the “normal” stuff besides the weird panic attacks I was having. This is the stuff everyone warned me about: now that she’s here and safe, I still don’t feel “safe.” I worry about her suffocating. I worry about dropping her. I worry about her eating enough. Just like I used to check to make sure she was still kicking, now I check to make sure she’s still breathing. It’s not an obsession or anything, it’s not overwhelming… but I just have those flashes of worry. I’d love to believe they’ll go away, but from what everyone has told me this is kind of a parent thing and I’ll worry about her the rest of her life. One day she’ll be saying, “Mo-ooommm!” when I ask her to call me when she gets there, just like I used to do to my mom.
Den said to me tonight, “So remember when you said you wanted her to stay this age forever?” Yeah, yeah, okay…. maybe it’s a good thing that this is just temporary.
The first six weeks of constant nursing and sleep deprivation are beyond exhausting. Still moments of bliss …but the constant anxiety, etc. is really difficult. Nipples – make sure her position is dead on and it should correct quickly. Do you swaddle her at night?? That was the ONLY thing that got us through fussy nights in the beginning…in the end, we took shifts for a few nights ..I’d sleep while M had the baby ..he’d sleep while I did.
Just so you know, it is all perfectly normal, perfectly typical and just how it is. It is what makes this period of your life rather foggy in retrospect. Sleep when she sleeps and let Den do exactly what he did tonight. You will adjust and you will survive. You don’t see how, but you will. And believe it or not, if you are like most women, you will put yourself through all this again willingly in a few years. Your worries are 100% typical. My kids are 23 and 27 and I still have worries. Very different now, but it never ends. You adapt.
I felt like this for the first 6 or so weeks. My baby took two weeks to learn how to nurse, we finally got it right with the help of a wonderful lactation consultant. I understand your worry about her not eating enough but as long as she is latching and peeing and pooping she is.
I wanted to use a cosleeper, but for us, the only thing that worked was having baby in bed with us, cuddled up against me. We gave in after a few nights of trying a cosleeper and it was bliss. He would nurse, I would doze and then we would both sleep.
It will get so much better! I remember feeling like I would never, ever sleep again and now my baby is 10 months old and those first few weeks seem like a fog now.
You are doing a great job and it will get better. I used to hand baby to my husband and get some sleep; sometimes being carried by someone without boobies helps – they know that they can’t nurse. My husband would swaddle our little boy and was a pro at getting him to sleep if I couldn’t.
Erika
You ‘re doing great ! Baby this young is not supposed to sleep at night. THey still need to feed every 3 or so hours. Mine started sleeping at 9 weeks better at night although she still wakes up. If you dont want to cluster feed, what about if you just dont let her… i believe that even this young, she can be put on 3 hours schedule and once she stops eating, dont feed her till next 3 hrs is up. She will cry if she’s used to it, but it wont hurt her and she will get used to it in no time.
If you’re worry about her stopping to breath, you can get the Angel care monitor. My biggest worry was sids and stopping to breath so that was the only choice for us to get so i dont have to check on her every 10 minutes night and day (i still did though lol)
I remember thinking I couldn’t live with this overwhelming level of worry and anxiety forever, and that it would never get better, but it has done. I still worry all the time, but it’s less intense.
It’s hard while they still haven’t got the whole circadian rhythm thing going yet, but it sounds like you’re helping her learn to tell night from day, and she’ll soon get the hang of it.
Hang on in there, it’s all completely normal and your feelings and reactions are completely normal.
Hi there….long time reader, first time poster. First of all Congratulations to you both…your baby is beautiful…it sounds like the witching hour could possibly be a colic of some sort, maybe…just wondering do you eat a lot of dairy…i know that if baby is breastfed exclusively and is experiencing colic…mom’s diet can be a factor and dairy is a big offender….it’s really just a trial and error thing too…(I’m a NICU nurse) Cluster feeding and whatnot is normal…however they do have growth spurts with increased feeds at approx. 3wks, 6 wks, 3 mos, and 6 mos…. so you can expect more frequent feeds roughly at those times too. You are doing an excellant job with your baby!! Just another question…do you nurse her before she starts crying..that’s the late stage of I’m starving mode and she’s most likely harder to settle… and have you tried gripe water (or some type of simethecone drops for gas)
These are normal fears hun, I still to this day go and check on their breathing, it’s a Mommy thing and they are 3 and 4 lol. It’s not every day or every night, just when I worry about them, a cold, stuffy nose etc. I did the same thing when they were young, use to check if they were breathing in their cribs.
I hear you about the anxiety. Logan is almost 4 months old and it is still kicking my butt. I hope it gets better and if not, I will need to talk to someone. It sucks!!
As far as sleeping goes, I am not a co-sleeper, however I do know that when we moved Logan from his PnP to his crib, we all slept a lot better. We were doing the swing thing as well which meant one of us was on the couch and it sucked not being next to my hubs. I finally said enough is enough and somehow, the transition was smooth. Also, start a bed time routine. DO the exact same thing every single night at the same time. Bath, book, song, nursing, bed. Then she she wakes for a feeding, nurse her in a different place that is not your bed, don’t talk and keep the lights off. This helped Logan realize that night time is quite and sleep time. Good luck!!! She is just adorable!!
I appreciate your honesty. I can identify with so much of what you write. My son is now 2 and I can tell you the mental part/anxiety does get better (at least it did for me). Though when he was a newborn, I didn’t imagine how it could because I felt like I was inhabiting an entirely new universe–one where I would forever be worrying about my child (it was relentless…like “will he get bullied in junior high”?), and where this worry felt like it would consume me. It’s such an odd experience, considering the fact that most people think new moms should be eternally blissful, high off breastfeeding hormones (I never experienced that, either), and so shocking because so unexpected. There was nothing I wanted more than a child, and then I had one and I felt like I had made a fatal error, because I had only been thinking about myself and was terrified about any kind of physical or emotional pain, however slight, that he would ever experience, in his entire life. It sounds kind of silly and overblown to me now, but it was so real when it happened, and was based in a real love and fear of pain or loss. I do believe there is a definite constellation of factors–life change, lack of sleep, caring for a helpless being, hormones–that make it all so difficult. It’s rough, and probably more common than we think…but I admire the way that you are able to express them through blogging. Knowing how you feel is so important, getting feedback and support, realizing that you are not alone, asking for help, weathering the difficult moments as healthily as you can — these are the skills that will sustain you and make you the wonderful mother that I suspect you are.
Swaddle her… that should in theory make life a bit easier. It won’t be a miracle cure, but it should help. It does get better… it just takes time. I’d say the first 2-3 months are the hardest you’re just trying to figure everything out. Hang in there.
First of all, can I just say, wow, Den, you are a fantastic husband and father. My DH was just like you when we had our first. Way to go, daddy! You are doing all the right things.
Nat- you are doing so wonderful and your fears are very common. I had the SAME fears. I still do!! I wanted my son so badly, I never want anything to take that away. Witching hour will end soon. It doesn’t last too long. Hang in there. If Den wants to let you nap, LET HIM! He’ll hold her, cuddle her, get quality time in. Have you guys tried taking her outside or on a walk? My babies always loved the outside.
I hope your nipples feel better! With my son, they hurt for about a month. Once you get over that hump, it is free sailing! It’ll be soooo easy. You can do it, you are almost there!!!!
It’s so wonderful to see how happy you are. I don’t take any of your lack of sleep, sore nipple posts as negative at all. I just smile because you are right where you have been dreaming to be and it is so damn wonderful!!!!! I can just picture you glowing when you look at that precious gift. Anyway, I am rambling. Stick with it, lean on your man, you are going to look back in a few weeks and not even remember because everything it going to be pure bliss! Just as you have wanted for so long.
My daughter is 3 weeks old and I’m pretty much in the same boat as you – cluster feeds, only wanting to sleep on me, some fussiness, etc. It’s tiresome! But keep in mind that it gets a LOT easier after the first 6 weeks, I promise. Whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed with everything, remind yourself that this phase will surely pass. :)
Being a mom is hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. Beyond a doubt it is the hardest job in the world. Every day brings a new decision and new worry that you might not have made the right one. You are doing a super job! You are wise..you will know if your anxiety gets beyond normal and becomes debilitating. After several months, your confidence will grow and the anxiety will lessen. You’ll always worry, but your faith in her will grow. She is perfect. She is healthy. She ultimately won’t seem so fragile. But you’ll find something else to worry about. It’s amazing to me that the human race survives, actually. Put a woman through severe sleep deprivation…the kind that breaks terrorists. Give her a screaming baby. Give her homones that are brutal. Give her sore breasts and nipples. Strike that, give her nipples like ground up hamburger meat and a baby who latches that feels like molten steel peircing through her back. It’s a good thing mother nature makes their cheeks chubby and makes them smell good b/c otherwise I think we’d leave them on the mountain for the buzzards. Kidding. Sort of.
It’s so hard when you can’t figure out what’s wrong. They can’t tell you. And your mother’s intuition? Yeah, right. The books all said you’d have it, right? Whatever. You just do your best and try different things. Maybe try laying her down on her left side, or GASP, her belly. If she won’t take a pacifier, maybe she’ll suck on your pinkie finger turned upside down. Try wearing her in a sling in the day time. It is just like being in the womb for them. But remember, Kate was always so active? This may be the way she operates. After she cluster feeds, does she spit up large quantities? I gave up dairy foods for the first 12 months with mine, and it did seem to help. It seemed to take 5 days after stopping dairy for me to see a decline in her fussiness. There is dairy in everything..beware of whey and casein if you decide to give dairy up.
All I can say is hang in there. Don’t feel guilty for wishing yourself through this stage. For me, it sucked. Royally. And I spent a lot of time beating myself up for feeling that way. No use in doing that. You will, ultimately, have to get a break Natalie. You can’t take care of Kate and Den if you run yourself down too much. Let a family member or Den take her so you can sleep..right after you’ve fed her so you get at least 3 hours. The trick now is to survive, keep baby fed, clean and dry. That’s it. You do NOT have to do anything else. No routines. No cooking. No cleaning. Let the dishes pile up. Clean them as you need them. It is okay to live like that for the next 3 months.
Hugs.
wow! you’re doing SUCH a great job! Everyone’s comments before mine all can reassure you of this!!! I know NOW it feels like there will be no end. You’re fears are all warranted! We all were where you are now! Pretty soon you’ll look back & have a whole new set of worries on your baby journey ( crawling, walking, SOLID food & blow out poops!!!) The list goes on & doesn’t end, as long as you’re a MOM!!!
I too called it the witching hour with both my kids. It’s a weird thing. My pedi told me that it’s their digestive system not being fully developed and hard to handle all that movement with food & gas. So they are uncomfortable… It’s REAL fun huh? I DREADED the night….. That baby papasan was the BEST thing for sleep! I had it on vibrate all the time too. We BLEW through the AA batteries!! It went downstairs, upstairs, everywhere where she could sleep! Once my daughter got too big for it I then moved her to her bassinet which also had a vibrating function. This helped with the transition. Then we began naps in her crib, were successful and then put her in her crib 1 night. I’d say @ 3 months old we did her crib at night. She’s 2.5 now and has been it since then!!
Everything started to get easy for me @ the 3-4 month old age. They get on a schedule you can start to really see then. It makes it easy when this happens. I did not BF so I had more luck with getting her to sleep longer at night earlier. I’m sure you know breastmilk is faster digested than formula, that’s why she’s hungrier sooner. I could not BF with both my kids due to protein intolerance and projectile vomiting from it. Lovely huh? The road to parenting is awesome, even with all the pop & vomit you’ll see!!
I still make sure my kids are breathing (6, 3, and 10 months). Can’t help it. Not obsessively, but before I can go to bed, I have to make sure they are all still there, all still alive. I think it’s because they seem just too good to be true.
Hang in there, it does get easier. Exponentially. Caring for a newborn is THE hardest thing I ever have done. I had no idea how hard it would be. And how miserable I would be. Thank god for Zoloft, or I would have completely lost my mind. I was SO worried about doing everything the right way. My advice to myself (and you!) in hindsight – the first four months, especially, are all about survival. Do WHATEVER you need to do to get rest for you and the baby. If that means she sleeps in the swing, then so be it. (I felt tremendous guilt about relying upon “mechanical mothers” to soothe my baby, but you know what? She was happy in the swing. So eff you, Dr. Sears.) She will not sleep in the swing forever.
For me, things got a little easier at 2 months, then 4 months was huge (no more colic!), then 6 months was another big change (sitting up!), and then 1 year (being upright!). But there were stretches there where time moved so s l o w l y and I thought we were going to be stuck in some horrible, difficult phase forever. I think especially after dealing with infertility, it was really hard for me to accept that I was pretty unhappy a lot of the time caring for a newborn. I’m not saying that’s the case for you, but I do think that for those of us from the IF/loss world, we expect that the world will be right once our babes are at home, and instead it’s crazy-makingly hard, and we went through so much to get there.
Hang in there. Get whatever support you need, do whatever it takes, be gentle with yourself, and find time for self-care. You need it now more than ever. Is there a baby & me group in your community? When I finally started going to one here, it made a huge difference – connecting with other parents who were going through the same things I was. I felt so much less alone and inept – it was my weekly group therapy session. And the women I met in that group are now my closest friends, in large part I think because we have seen and supported each other at our most vulnerable.
Remember that you cannot create any bad habits at this point, so don’t worry about how you intend to do things down the road (where she sleeps, nursing to sleep, etc). Parenting an almost-3 year old has its own set of challenges, but it’s nothing compared to the helplessness and despair I felt when she was a baby. You can do it, you’ll get through it. Sending you lots of hugs.
As many, many others have already said, it does and will get better. We turned our first corner at about 4 wks, and then again at 6 wks, and things just kept improving from there.
I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned that helping her get her days/nights sorted out will also improve the overnights. Our pedi gave us sage advice and that was to make sure that during the day, rooms were light-filled (curtains/shades open, or lights on) and that we all spoke in normal voices and moved around as we normally would and that in the evening and overnight, things should be kept as dark as is safe, hushed tones or muted, and no extra stimulation (no diaper changes unless poopy)…just feed and back to sleep (and if that meant baby sleeping in the swing, or bouncer, or even a swinging car seat, so be it).
You are doing it and it WILL get better. And, you will learn to live with the worry…it sort of becomes part of the fiber of your momness.
Even when my baby slept, I got little to no sleep as I was always checking to see if he was breathing….I still panic sometimes when he is asleep and check on him….and he is FIVE YEARS old! I think we always worry as parent’s…we love them so much and want them to be safe and happy. Glad to hear the papasan seat works for Kate…my son had reflux and that surely interferes with sleep. He always liked to be held or on an incline. I think he was uncomfortable flat on his back. It does get better. Try to take naps whenever you can. Pumping a bottle for Den to give Kate is also an option. My son also loved his pacifier…it helped soothe him and I loved it too for the moments of peace it brought. I know the lactation people say no pacis, or bottles….but I gave my son all types of pacis and bottles from early on and he breastfed great and took anything that was put into his mouth (not particular at all). He now is open to trying all types of foods (loves all types of non kid friendly food-veggies included etc…), which I like to attribute to the “variety” he got early on. I think you have to do whatever works for you and your baby. It does get easier too…you’ll be a pro in no time!
Not sure if anyone has mentioned this to you yet so if you’ve already heard of it, then forgive the repeat. But I have the Angelcare baby movement monitor and it helped me get more sleep by giving me some peace of mind. They have different brands on Amazon and some are better than the one we have (we get frequent false alarms). It may help you not worry quite as much but the worrying is so normal and it just evolves as they get older! Haha!
awww natalie.. i feel for you…i did not breastfeed but was left to take care of my newborn son alone…well i still do it on my own..when i say on my own i mean without any help…basically i prefered it that way…everytime he would go to sleep i would sleep..i would sleep ALL day if i had to and be up from 4-9 and go back to bed until his next feeding..when he was extremely cranky…i would lay with him and cry if i needed to just holding him…i wanted my son more than anything in this world…he did stop breathing at 6 weeks old and was diagnosed having bronchiolitis, then further on stopped again at 8 months old and was diagnosed having RSV now.. he is asthmatic..doing better but has his moments..hence why he sleeps in my bed..i feel soo much comfort knowing i can check up on him anytime, which i contantly do and he is going to be 3 in sept…i dont care what people say..judge me..i felt it was the right thing for now for him…and for me…and until you find your medium to where you feel safe…you will have alot of anxiety..my worst yet..is going in a car..driving far distances..and being away from him which i don’t do very often..for the simple fact that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me…it will all be okay…take a breathe and enjoy her because i swear one day you will want those days back sooo bad…and dont worry you are doing a wonderful job…Kate is so darn beautiful…