More little bits
Breastfeeding is harder than expected. After doing it for nearly two weeks I have a much greater appreciation for why people try it and decide to go with formula. I realized it was going to take a lot of time and I was prepared for that, but I don’t think I was prepared for how much pain is involved in figuring it out and how after cluster-feeding for several hours on already sore and sensitive nipples all you really want to do is remove your boobs from your body. That being said, I know it will get better and I have absolutely not intention whatsoever of giving up. I believe that this is what is best for my baby, best for me, and that I will make it work.
It’s already getting better. My nipples are not blistered anymore, though they’re still sore enough that I have to shower carefully so I can avoid the spray hitting them, and that sometimes even the fabric from my bra hurts. I’m also not engorged 24/7 anymore. I think it was about Monday morning when I pumped off some of the excess after Katherine had her breakfast, just enough that I no longer felt like I had bowling balls on my chest – up until that point she was never draining the boobs, they always hurt. Since then it hasn’t come back quite as bad. After she zonks out for a several-hour nap they do get hard and sore, but thankfully it’s short-lived before she empties them.
Kate has developed an evening fussy period, something that I know is very common. Last night it was some gas bubbles at fault, so we’re trying to make sure we burp her when she starts fussing. Then of course there’s a couple of diaper changes and feeding. On one hand I’m really glad I’m breastfeeding so I can put her to the boob when she’s fussy – tonight she was on and off the boob for several hours, cluster-feeding. It’s hard on the nipples, but it’s really really good to have something that can calm her down so she’s not screaming for 3 hours straight. We do give her a pacifier sometimes, such as when she’s really fussy and just wants to suck on something, but tonight even that wasn’t working, she’d spit it out. She wanted boob. And she wasn’t even eating, just half-heartedly sucking – and at one point she’d just open her mouth wide over my nipple and not suck at all, that was weird. But it didn’t matter, she wanted boob and nothing else. But it’s okay, as long as she’s latching proper and not yanking on my nipple (NOT fond of that new habit when she’s seriously fussy) then I’m cool with turning on the TV for an hour while she halfheartedly nurses.
Cloth diapers are going well still, but I’m wishing we had more diapers. We have 3 dozen prefolds, which looks like a lot until you keep some in the basement, some in the diaper bag, and some in an emergency bag in the truck… and then you want to do laundry only every other day… well suddenly you’re looking at the ever-shrinking stack of diapers with trepidation. I think I’ll be ordering more – and more wipes, too. Kate’s also growing into the x-small thirsties better, we’re using them now that her umbilical cord stump has fallen off. People were right, we definitely like them! They’re nice and stretchy to get a good fit, and not bulky like some other covers. I’m going to get more of those, too.
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Letting go of being pregnant has been FAR easier with a newborn napping on my lap. I’m not seeing any of the body image issues I had after Devin, even though this time I got a couple of stretch marks to show for hitting full term. At 1 week post-partum I had lost half of the 30lbs I had gained during pregnancy, which makes me extremely pleased. I’ll probably quickly drop another few pounds leaving me about 10 to work off, like last time. Except this time I plan to actually do something to get rid of it.
My SIL, who is pregnant with twins and due in August, is very quickly rounding out into a most enviable pregnant belly. But all those fears of how I am going to handle her having baby boys seem a lot less scary now that Kate is here. I was scared, so scared, that I was going to end up empty-handed again and have to suffer through more babies. But Kate is here, she’s healthy, she’s alive. I hold her up and tell her that soon she will have cousins close in age to play with. I think sometimes I’m even a little excited about it, her having someone her own age (though with them being twin boys I do have some silly fears that she’ll be the third wheel).
A lot of things are easier now. Den and I don’t turn the channel when babies/birth stories come on TV – even when they irritate the hell out of us, they no longer have us jumping to change the channel. We see babies in stores and smile. I walk straight into the baby section in the store without any hesitation, because now I belong there. Den even mentioned something about a kids play center near the house, then paused and said, “That’s actually reality now, not just possibility.”
Katherine has brought so much healing into our lives… just by existing. Just by being born.
Such a great post. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am for you and Den. I’m a frequent lurker.
As you said the breastfeeding will get better. For me it was a little strange when the pain stopped. It was gradual and then all of a sudden I fed my daughter one day and was like,”Hey! It didn’t hurt this time!”. You are doing great-with all of it.
Breastfeeding will get SO much easier..it really does.
As I said,I was so tempted to start Noelia on some night time bottles,desperately hoping it would stop the cluster feeding,and Im going to be honest with you and tell you that I actually did try it for about a week because I was worried all the clusterfeeding was because my supply was low (normal doubts ;) ).
But she hated the bottle,it gave her gas,and she still wanted to clusterfeed afterwards (which made her sick because she was getting too full..something that doesnt happen with BM),so I never gave her one again.
Soon,Kate will have learned how to get herself fed alot faster,and the cluster feeding will be replaced with comfort nursing..which they still do ALOT,but it doesnt hurt at all.
Once you get through these first weeks (which I know are so so hard) everything is downhill from there :)
Have you tried dabbing a little of your own BM onto your nipples and letting it dry? That actually works..I did it all the time at first.It creates a little layer over the cracks and blisters and it makes the stinging go away.Camolmile tea also takes the stinging and any swelling away (put some on some cotton wool and dab your nipples whilst its still warm).
Its totally safe too,you dont have to wash it off (we give new born babies camomile tea to help with colic so having it on your nipples wont effct kate in any way).
I hope you feel so much better soon :) You are doing wonderfully! You are an amazing mother <3
It never ceases to amaze me how a child can heal your heart. I so understand what you are talking about. Hugs and love sweetheart.
ok, so this is nosy but you haven’t mentioned lanolin. do you have some? I cannot live without it. You have to be careful because it will stain your close–I used nursing pads to keep it in–but there is nothing better for sore nipples that drowning them in lanolin.
I’m so glad she is helping you guys heal. *snugs*
Anastasia – Yes, I always forget to mention that! But I do have and use some, but it’s annoying to have to put nursing pads on afterwards. Bah!
Ahhh….I remember those early days and the 4 hours stretches of cluster feeding. William loved 11pm to 3am the most….I thought I was doing to drop dead from exhaustion and broken boobs!…But…alas…around 3-4 weeks…things seem to settle down….so you are doing the right thing by just going with it. This is sooooo very common. You have a normal baby…gee…go figure!
As for the sore nipples…my lactation consultand did give me some nipple shields that I used for about 2 days and it totally allowed my nipples to get a break and heal up a bit. From then on things were DANDY!!!! You may want to consider it if the pain persists. You can get them at Babies R Us or Target…Medela makes some great ones.
So happy to hear that the birth of Kate also brought some healing at the loss of Devin. He will always be your first born baby and hold a special place in your heart and Kate is in no way a replacement, but so glad to know that there is healing with new life.
I have a close friend who had a still born daughter and then 2 years later had a beautiful, healthy daughter. I could sense that much healing took place there but she never talked to me about it specifically. I’m glad to hear from you that is, indeed the case.
Keep enjoying your beautiful baby.
kd
don’t know if you’ve tried this but tea bags (caffeinated) on your nips will help toughen them up. also, for about the first 4 weeks of some miserable breastfeeding i walked around with my boobs bared for a good part of my day. the air really helps those cracked nips.
Yes, BFing is hard! It seems like if you get the latching right it should be easy, but for big eaters the constant sucking just makes it awful at times. But you are right, it will get better. After about 2 weeks things dramatically improved for us but it still took a couple more to get toughened enough to really do it painlessly. If they are damaged at all, you can use neosporin on them (you don’t have to clean it off either). I found it worked better than lanolin for me. Try not to pump too much because it might cause you to get an over supply.
I only had 2 dozen orange edge PF (and kept them all together) and I had to wash every day until he was about 2 months. One day I changed my baby 16 times! NBs just love to poop! Make sure you have the next size on hand and ready to go because she will hit growth spurts (murder on the breasts) and change over night on you. Also, do you have any going out diapers? I found PF and covers hard to manage on the go and got some sposoeasys for the diaper bag and I just loved them for the newborn stage (awe are 100% pockets now). But whatever works for you all is all that matters.
Hi, I dont think she will be a third wheel. I think she will be bossing them around in no time lol !!! Im excited for you, I’d love to have cousins close to Sydney’s age (like when I had when I was growing up) but all cousins are older. And for BF, yeah it’s not easy. But me too, I had no intentions of giving up and still nursing at 11 months!
Yes yes yes- breastfeeding is hard! I’m nursing my 4 week old and for me, each feed is a constant struggle. I hope the commenters are right and that it will get easier!
Your last two paragraphs are absolutely spot on. And I lost my first born girl, and just had a son six months ago. My sister just had a baby girl just before you. I thought it would be hard, but with Angus here it does make it so much easier and now he has a cousin in age.
I’m so very happy you made it here, Natalie.
Hi. I have been following you for about a year. I found you through my SIL’s blog about the loss of my sweet niece. Anyway, I have another grown niece who owns a couple of on-line businesses, one of which is a diaper company. It is a fabulous company with a lot more than just diapers going on. I wanted to give you the link to check out. Good luck with your sweet baby.
http://www.diaperstyle.com/
It’s so worth it once you get through the tough part… I remember literally crying every time I’d feed my son during those first few weeks because it hurt so bad, but then, sort of all at once it didn’t hurt anymore.
I used lanolin before/after feeding, and that seemed to help some… hang in there! :)
Breastfeeding my daughter was, for 5 straight weeks, absolute hell. I’m talking toe-curling, wincing in pain, sore nipples hell. Then, right at 5 long weeks, it got better. And not just better, it got amazing. She strictly nursed for 17 months and now I’m still nursing my 18 month second born. And the breastfeeding was a breeze. My point is that if you can stick with it, the time consumption, the draining of energy, the total body devotion, it gets better. If you stop nursing, you’re still an amazing parent too. All that matters is that you are both happy and healthy. But it does get easier a few weeks in. Noone ever warned me about that part of breastfeeding!
Oh, and have you tried the 5 s’s at night from the “Happiest Baby on the Block” book? Swaddling worked wonders for my son during those witching hours.
Good luck, she’s beautiful!