Kate is a major boobie baby. Thankfully my nipples are far FAR better than they were a week ago – still red and sensitive, but I’m no longer squirming and curling my toes when she latches. Which is a really good thing, considering that she’s become much less enchanted with the pacifier – she’ll basically only take it if she’s half asleep, needs to suck, and isn’t aware enough of the difference. But when she’s just cranky? That pacifier just causes more screaming. She wants BOOB. Even though all she does is half-suck and fall asleep… doesn’t matter, she wants the boob. She currently is on the boppy, half-asleep, mouth open, an inch away from my nipple. I can’t move it or she’ll wake up and demand it back.

She seems so much bigger already! Though she’s still a peanut. I haven’t weighed her recently; I know she’s bigger, for sure, but she’s not huge by any means. But she’s changed. She seems so much longer – she’s uncurled. I saw some younger babies today and it was really weird to realize how Kate isn’t freshly-born anymore, and it’s only been 3 weeks! Her face has changed, too… it seems longer, less round and squished.

She’s having more awake time in a day, which is awesome. Only bad part is, she has no idea what to do with that awake time. She feeds, we change her, and then she spends the rest of the time fussing. And by “fussing” I mean the half-cry. She looks around the room then will turn her mouth down into a pout, furrow her brow, and say, “Wah!” And then she blinks and looks around the room again as if nothing happened. Then another, “Waaahhh!” I sit her up, lay her down, cuddle her close, put her on my chest, put her on my shoulder… and all I get is that sad face and a “Waaahhh!” The only thing that makes her happy for any length of time is – you guessed it – boobie. Doesn’t want the swing. Doesn’t want to be in the wrap. Doesn’t really look very tired, isn’t yawning. She’s… bored? Can a newborn be bored? Or just indecisive. Unimpressed. Though she did enjoy her playmat for a good 15-20 minutes this evening, that’s a new record. It was awful nice to be able to put her down somewhere she was happy so I could put some laundry away. Any other ideas? What the heck do babies want at this stage? Or is she just being a fusspot?

Sunday was my first day taking her somewhere by myself. The drive there and the time at the baby shower went perfectly – she slept the drive there, then I put her in the moby wrap and she slept the entire time. People kept commenting on what a good baby she is. And then we went to go home. She woke up and was Unhappy with a capital U. I fed her, changed her diaper, tried to calm her down. Put her in the carseat in the car and she screamed – I mean screamed – the entire way home. I stopped a couple of times to try to calm her down and to check if her diaper was dirty again or something. Oh it was awful, I wanted to cry! I felt like I was torturing her. When we got home I rushed to get her out of the carseat and cuddle her. She shuddered a little, tears in her eyes, whimpered, sighed, and fell asleep exhausted. I had all these horrible images of her doing this every time I take her out and suddenly my future was looking very home-bound. But then tonight I took her out again to a breastfeeding class. She was awake and fussy when I put her in the carseat to drive home, she started crying immediately. But then when the vehicle started moving she got quieter. Within 2 minutes she was asleep! Joy!! She sleeps in the car when I ride in the back seat – she definitely likes the motion – but I wasn’t sure she was going to sleep when I wasn’t right beside her, soothing her. I am thrilled to see that she can and will! Maybe I will sign up for some mom-and-baby classes, after all.

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Know what we got today? SMILES! Daddy got a whole bunch of them this morning, it was totally awesome.

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I am loving being a mom. LOVING it. Which gives me some conflicting feelings. I feel bad posting about how good this feels because I know how it feels to not have this. But then what always upset me most were people who didn’t appreciate what they had – those who had gone through hell and finally got there, they gave me hope. Maybe I’ll give other people some hope.

No my son isn’t here – and that pain will never go away. But at the same time I have my beautiful daughter. I don’t really think about what “should” be with Devin running around as a toddler. I simply have no concept of that. Kate is a little sister in a way – she has a brother that came before – but she’s still the “oldest”, if that makes any sense. He’ll always be a baby, he’ll always be gone. There never was a “Devin and Kate” together. It’s like we have two children in two totally different worlds.

I’m very careful about labels. I completely avoid any form of “now I’m a mother” referring to Kate’s birth. I will never again say that someone becomes a mother when their child is born, because in my opinion I was a mother when I was pregnant, I was and am a mother to Devin even though he was not born alive. But I am a different kind of mother now that Kate is home. As much as I am a mother to Devin, it’s not the same. This kind of mothering is… far more normal, and far easier. Now I’m the kind of mom that struggles running errands because the baby is crying; the kind that belongs to mom’s group; the kind that sways and hums. It’s this whole new world of motherhood – the kind that most people mean. Because of how confusing it all is, and how much explanation is required, I just avoid the whole subject. Yes I’m a mom – in many different ways.

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