Sleep
People keep asking us, “How is she sleeping?” I don’t know how to answer them. I guess if I were a “traditional” parent who was insisting that baby sleep in their own bed the answer would be, “Terrible!” She will sleep for a little bit in her swing or infant seat, if she’s already mostly asleep when you set her down, but it’s not for as long or as deep as she sleeps in our arms. This makes for very long nights if you’re trying to get her to sleep in her seat, because after feeding her we have to burp her, sometimes change her, nurse her back to sleep, then hold and rock her for 10+ minutes until she’s asleep deeply enough to be put back down and stay asleep. And since she’s nursing every 3-4 hours even at night that doesn’t leave a whole lot left over for us to sleep.
So we’ve ended up cosleeping, Kate sleeping in my arms. We didn’t intend to do that, and it was scary for us at first so I did a lot of reading online for how others do it safely. But it works. She sleeps like a dream, content and peaceful, for 3-4 hour stretches. When she wakes up hungry I feed her side-lying. I tend to stay half-awake while she’s eating, because it’s still a little uncomfortable on the nipples, but sometimes I drift off. When she’s done she simply falls asleep and pops off the boob, then uses my boob as a pillow. I adjust her so she’s on her back nestled up against my chest and belly, me on my side with my knees bent and my lower arm extended, sometimes under her head. The only complaint i could make is that I sleep lighter when she’s next to me, because I’m hyper-aware of her, and I by necessity have to sleep in that one position for many hours at a time. But being able to sleep for 3 hour stretches kind of makes up for that. In my arms she isn’t fussy, she doesn’t stay awake, she just feeds and falls back asleep again. Whenever I decide to get up (usually after three of her sleep stretches) I feel well-rested and ready to face the day. I may have a short nap during the day once in a while, but for the most part I don’t need to.
We’re still encouraging her to sleep in her cosleeper (which is right beside me, attached to the bed); we start her in her bed to let her sleep as long as she will, then I take her into my arms when she wakes up crying. Last night she didn’t even want to feed that first time (after 2 hours of sleep), she just wanted cuddles and she fell right back asleep for another 2 hours. I think as she gets older and more secure she’ll sleep longer periods in her own bed. We’re not concerned. She’s so small, so new to this world, it’s no wonder that being alone is scary and upsetting.
I’m already noticing that she is getting used to the world. A week or two ago she hated being put down at all, unless she was deeply asleep and didn’t notice. Even a week ago when I tried putting her on her blanket for some activity time she didn’t want any of it for more than a minute. But this week she actually seems to be enjoying laying on her blanket for 10-15 minutes, staring around and kicking her legs – and those times will lengthen as she gets older. I can even leave the room to go to the bathroom or throw the laundry in the dryer and she’s fine and happy. She has a little mirror that has bright colored fabric around the edge with patterns and shapes. She loves to lay there and just stare at it. It’s so funny to watch her so involved in the art of staring!
Kate really truly hates swaddling. Friends kept saying how much their babies love swaddling and how much better they sleep, even if they struggle at first. So every few days I’d try swaddling her at night, she’d just cry, her arms would bust out and I’d unswaddle her. Last night she had already fallen asleep, so I used one of the velcro swaddle blankets to wrap her up tight. She stayed asleep! I thought, success! But not 10 minutes later I hear her starting to rouse. Uh, she said. Uh….. uh….. UH…. UHHH! UHHHHH!!! I look over and she is only half-awake but struggling like hell against the confines of the swaddle holding her arms down. She then woke up and really started screaming in frustration. I had to unwrap her and it took a while to calm her down and get her back to sleep. The next time I just lightly wrapped her lower half in a receiving blanket and put her back down, where she slept for 2 hours. So obviously the swaddle isn’t working if it actually wakes her up! She just has to have her hands up by her face.
People say that babies don’t come with a manual. I disagree. The problem is that there are too many “manuals” out there – there’s all kinds of books and theories and advice out there – everyone has some kind of opinion on what the best way to do something is. It’s confusing as hell, especially when you didn’t really do much reading about babies before you had one. (I read a ton about pregnancy and labor… very little about newborns.) There are so many decisions you make, whether you know you’re making a decision or not. It’s a little nervewracking. There were so many times in the first week that Den and I would both just stared at the baby, completely unsure what to do, afraid we were going to do something wrong.
We don’t follow any particular parenting “method.” We don’t have a schedule. We just take one thing, one day at a time. If needed I look something up, ask friends. Mostly we just listen to Kate. I’ve learned not to worry too much about how a decision made on today’s info will affect next week, next month… because it probably will change completely by then.
It’s all a learning process, and it’s interesting figuring it all out. We just try to keep Ms. Kate happy.
reading this post was awesome! my third baby, who is five months old now, cosleeps with us. i nurse him while lying on my side too. it’s fantastic! i really don’t even “know” how much he wakes up because i just give him the boob and he’s content!
none of my three boy’s have ever had a “schedule” but all have had a routine–one they taught us, rather than the contrary. it makes parenting a lot easier if you go with the ebb and flow of what your baby wants rather than forcing them into what you want. afterall, we just want happy babies, right?
you are doing great! Ms. Kate is happy, healthy, and loved.
We did this with our second and wish we had done it with the first. You are doing “intuitive mothering” and I think that is the best way to go. Nature tells you what she needs. Good for you!
Yep. I did the same thing with both of mine. I transitioned them at 3-4 months to their cribs. They did fine I’m their cribs at that age. I agree with you though on the sleeping lightly. As she gets bigger it will become less worrisome.
I didn’t read the parenting books either. Why should I? Who knew my kids better than me? When I had a trouble spot, I would seek advice from all different sources.
Co-sleeping is what kept me sain too Nat,many many moms kinda stumble into it for the same reasons you did (me included).My older kids never shared my bed,or wanted to sleep with me,but every baby is different and what works with one may do nothing for the next..with each baby,you have to learn and adapt all over again lol.Noelia threw me through loop and suddenly I was doing things I swore Id never do!
As you said,its a process..no matter how many kids you have,you are always learning and your previous experience is sometimes completely useless.
I also read baby books,how to “parent”,what babies like,what you should and shouldent do etc,and you know what? They just confused me and made me paranoid.Babies are supposed to sleep on their back..? Mine never wanted to! babies need to be swaddled..? Mine HATED it! Babies should not co-sleep…babies should CIO..etc etc etc
Its all rubbish,because every single baby is unique and different and what may help one baby sleep can cause another to stay awake screaming ALL night.
One set of rules for all babies??? puleeeeese!! lol
In the end,I just followed my kids cues and did exactly what worked.If they wanted to sleep on thier tummy (even as newborns) they did,if co-sleeping was the only way to get *any* sleep,I did it..etc
Books are good,advice is good,but no one knows your baby like you do ;)
Child led parenting works.Ok,it may not be text book,and it may not be what some super famous childless doctor recomends,but a happy baby means a happy mommy and *that* is what matters ;)
Do what you need to do,whatever it takes to keep Kate and yourself happy.
Those are the only “rules” you´ll ever need :)
Good attitude – glad to hear everyone is settling into it. :D Now, to go back to making silly faces at my little bratinka!
I need to print out your last 2 paragraphs as a reminder to myself. I find myself saying to my husband “we should…” all too often rather than just letting our 3 month old tell us what he needs and following his cues. I am often so nervous that I’m missing some “window” or creating a bad habit that I forget to enjoy the here and now and the little steps. Thanks for giving me some perspective!
We co-sleep too, for the same reasons you describe … both of mine would not be swaddled either. My older son didn’t want to share our bed, so he slept in the cosleeper and then later the crib; my younger one sleeps better in the same space — he has been in our bed since birth and we just recently put the crib sidecar style so he will get some use out of it! Obviously my very sample of two is very unscientific, but I often wonder whether at least some of the parents out there who have “bad sleepers” are just parents of babies who need to share sleep, but are too ideologically programmed to believe that babies must sleep in a separate room by themselves to be responsive to that need. For my part, I can say that everyone in my house sleeps great! I have very rarely been sleep-deprived after the first few weeks, and while part of that is probably luck, I think that there is something to be said for being responsive to what your baby is telling you she/he needs and doing what works. And sometimes that means ignoring the “rules.” I tried to have my older son sleep on his back because I was trying to do things by the book — ha! By 10 weeks he had learned how to roll over so he could sleep on his stomach, which he still does to this day (3 years old tomorrow). DS2 has always slept on his side from day one. Anyway, saying all that to say, you’re doing a great job! Side-lying nursing is the number one greatest tool to help moms and babies get more sleep, and responding to your baby’s needs is always the right thing to do. :)
had the baby in the cosleeper (next to the bed) from day 1. could never get over the SIDS risk of cosleeping, totally freaked me out. beginning at 3 weekssecond staretd having some trouble falling asleep in tehre. I laid down on teh bed next to him and patted him to sleep, picking him up if he really needed it. I was going back to work at 13 weeks and didn’t know how my nanny would manage (and how the baby would get any sleep) a baby that couldn’t sleep on his own and a toddler that was going wild. So “traditional” was kind of a necessity for me!
I could have written that post myself, word for word. It’s everything I thought/did/felt those first couple of months. It’s cool to read. :) I was very stressed when I tried to listen to people. Once I told them all to shove it, I was a happy mama. I have a lovely, pleasant, and great sleeping 14 month old now so I must have done something right.
You are are great mama!
Oh, and I agree on the sleep. It’s nice to have the long stretches, but you just don’t sleep soundly with them next to you. I actually transistioned Addison to her own bed once I DID start sleeping soundly with her next to me. I was scared I was then becoming a danger to her. She did beautifully transitioning. I think she was about 2.5 months before she liked the co-sleeper.
Ever since Kate was born, I’ve been reading your posts and thinking I could’ve written them myself. Parenting is much easier if you focus on your child and not on what other people think you should be doing. We still cosleep some of the time with our son, who’s 20 months old. He’s moving out of the bed gradually and with little fuss. I wish we hadn’t tried for so long to get him to sleep in his crib before we brought him in our bed!
isaac slept in my arms for a good 3 or 4 weeks, before we got him into the co sleeper. he slept in 5-6 hour stretches like that.
one of my friends suggested using a hot water bottle wrapped in a receiving blanket and putting him on his side with the bottle behind his back. he slept longer in the co-sleeper that way, something with the heat.
I totally agree with you. I think it’s funny when people do “sleep training”. My older children, when babies, slept in a bassinet next to my bed, but my youngest (now 2 and a half) woke so often it was like “stand up-sit down” all night long. I ended up bringing him into bed. I was like you and slept much lighter, but it was worth it. It worked for us.
I think its funny when people ask how a newborn is sleeping. What a stupid question. They sleep fine as long as you do all your tricks and in 2-4 hour stretches right? And mom sleeps like sh*t. Isn’t that how its supposed to be? Seems like you have a pretty healthy attitude about it all. You gotta do whatever works for you. Good for you!
Hope this isn’t unwanted assvice (its just something that saved me from completely losing it), but my hubby and I loved the 5 S’s from The Happiest Baby on the Block. It worked miracles for my little fussy/nonsleeping baby. It didn’t make him “Sleep through the night” or anything (which newborns aren’t really supposed to do) but it made putting him down (in his swing – he didn’t sleep in his crib until he was 4 months old!) a tad easier and seemed to make him happier.
you’re so right about the manuals.
i’ve done no reading on newborns, we’ll fly by the seat of our pants. lol! with our first son, i read book after book, and settled on one that i liked the sound of – he hadn’t read it so it didn’t work haha! i reckon winging it works best. for now anyway
you’re doing great!
Sounds very similar to how we moved to co-sleeping. I tried until DS was around 8 weeks to have him in his own bed, but once DH was back at work (and he works nights), I needed some sleep. Bringing him into my bed worked beautifully. Yes, you do sleep lighter… but it is SLEEP, and that’s what we all need!
As a breastfeeding mother you never actually fall into a deep sleep cycle anyway, so I figured that I wasn’t missing too much… and feeding while half asleep and not having to get out of bed was bliss! :) DS went into his own bed next to mine at 8 months without a problem and 6 months later is still there and sleep soundly for 13 hours every night (but I did feed 3 hourly until he was 10 months, so it took a while to get there) I completely agree on following their lead. It has kept us all happy. Advice is great when you need it, but following bubs lead and listening to your instincts is all you need most of the time.
I know everyone hear seems to be pro-co-sleeping, however, there are major risks. I work for a police department and just this week we had a mom that fell asleep w/ her 1 month old daughter and woke up to find she had suffocated her in the middle of the night. I can’t imagine the loss she must be feeling and guilt. So yes sleep is amazing, but is it worth the cost of the babe. Sorry to be such a debbie downer, I just wanted to throw the other side out there. I know I am super sensitive right now b/c I am 35 weeks pregnant, but I have a 18 month old that we put in the pack & play or crib from day 1 and it worked too.
There is a co sleeper you can get online or the baby store called baby delight supreme snuggle nest. it goes in your bed , is all soft with sides and was a use for me for @ a month. I ended up selling it on ebay for almost as much as I paid for it so the price wasn’t too bad in the end!
i used to swaddle my daughter and leave her arms OUT. The tightness around her body worked for a while! I would swaddle her like this & let her sleep in her bouncy seat or papasan chair. Everything you’ll try to do to get her to sleep will only change once you think you have success though! It is a never ending thing to get them to sleep, always changing but soon you’ll be there, it seems as if she’s already going for longer stretches!