Trying to figure things out
Week 2 has definitely been harder than the first week was. Katherine is sleeping less – it is nice to see her eyes now and again, but her pattern is changing over from the “I’m so tired, I just need sleep!” of the just newly born to more of a typical newborn schedule. Which is to say, she has preferences and fussy times and she’s even actually awake sometimes, just staring around.
She’s started cluster-feeding in the evenings. After over 2 hours of nursing her (we changed her, burped her, switched sides… then she’d cry and want more boob) I finally handed her over to Den for a little bit, my nipples were so sore. And after she finally fell asleep (yes, after yet more nursing) I handed her over again and took a nap. I know it is perfectly normal to have a fussy period in the evening and to cluster-feed through it, it just gets draining when you are the only thing that can calm her down and your nipples are burning.
Last night she slept in her bouncer for a good portion of the night, which seemed to work a lot better than the co-sleeper, she didn’t keep waking back up. When she woke to feed the first time she ended up sleeping for a while in my arms, feeding again, then I put her back in the bouncer. I’m going to be picking up a baby papasan infant seat, since she loves her baby papasan swing so very much. I really like how she sits in it, she looks very comfy and safe. Hopefully that will be part of the solution for the next few months. I did find some really need sleep things that would totally work, but they were over $100! Granted if nothing else works I’d do it, but I really don’t want to fork over that much more money on top of what we’ve already spent on the cosleeper and everything else.
Beyond all the normal newborn stuff I find myself struggling a little bit with this new identity – becoming a parent, becoming a stay-at-home-mom. It’s a dream I have carried around for 4 1/2 years now, so I’ve had a lot of time to build a mental image of what it will be and I find myself frequently stopping to wonder if this is what I imagined it to be. I have to admit, it’s very intimidating to look down at this little being and realizing that we’re responsible for her forever. Other people will be around to help here and there, but she’s ours, it’s up to Denis and I to raise her, teach her, take care of her. There is no walking away when you’re exhausted, sore, frustrated… this is it. And, yeah, it’s scary.
Becoming a SAHM is a little intimidating, too. I know it’s the right choice for me, for us, and I’m so so glad I have the opportunity to do it. But at the same time there is a little fear in the back of my head wondering if I’m ready to do this by myself. Den is home with us for another several more weeks, and we’re doing really well as a family. But then he heads back to work and I no longer have that extra pair of hands. It’s going to be different, going to be an adjustment. Right now this feels like a big family vacation, but when he goes back to work that’s it, that’s going to be my new daily life. Part of me wants to get into that routine, but I’m really glad that Den is home right now, especially with my known anxiety issues.
I still have some generalized, non-specific anxiety floating around, and it seems to get worse when I’m tired. Yesterday we were out most of the day and by the end it was a struggle to keep calm. I am happy to let others hold my baby, but there came a point where I could feel the anxiety creeping up on me and I knew I needed her back to help me stay centered. This anxiety is frustrating because I immediately recognize it as “other” – it’s not normal, it’s not caused by something external, it’s just the hormones playing up on me combined with this huge life change. I am really looking forward to everything settling down and my brain getting back to normal. I’m just not sure how long that will take. If it doesn’t go away in the next week or two I’ll be looking at increasing my meds dosage. (I’m already on meds for anxiety/depression, but they’ve been at a consistent dosage for the last 8+ years and have done me very well. This is the first time I’ve ever felt the need to mess with them.)
I know I’m going to have to get out of the house several times a week, and I’m going to have to start some hobbies again. (I had hobbies. I lost them when I started working full time plus doing IVF or being pregnant – I didn’t have time!) I just really hope that Kate and I find a groove. I guess that’s really what it comes down to. It’s a little rough right now because we’re still trying to figure her out, she’s still trying to figure the “outside the womb” thing out, and it’s all just very new and overwhelming for everyone. I need to just have faith that we’ll settle in and figure it out, and we’ll be happy with our new routines.
I don’t know if it will help you to hear this, but what you’re feeling sounds very normal. I can’t even imagine the anxiety you feel in relation to losing your son and how it makes you feel now. But the anxiety you feel about parenthood, being the only person who can make Kate happy, needing to hold her is all so normal. You will all get into a routine over the coming weeks and you will grow into your role as mother. This will get easier, even if you still aren’t getting the sleep you are used to. Your nipples will not hurt for a long time and your hormones will definitely settle down. After both of my daughters were born, I could feel myself getting upset if we had too much company, done too much running around. I feel like that now on fertility drugs. I hope you both get a good nights rest, bouncy seats are amazing!!!
I’ve lurked for a long time but I’ve only been commenting recently. I am loving reading these posts. You’re so thoughtful about this new phase of life. I’m looking forward to seeing how you grow into a new role. You will find a groove all your own that suits her and you.
I don’t want to offer unwanted advice. But I’d like to let you know that this newborn stage is normal but there are things you can do to help encourage a routine, and sleep, etc.
If you want me to send you some stuff I’ve written up about my experiences with my daughter, please email me: alyssa.gavinski@gmail.com.
Hope all goes well for you! I love your blog. :)
You know, reading your posts now sounds incredibly … familiar. Those could all be things I wrote. Don’t pressure yourself into getting back into hobbies or routines or anything, just go with the flow. I know how hard it can be right now, but I also know you will be fine.
You’re capable and strong and doing a brilliant job already, and every hour you spend with your daughter makes you more experienced and more confident. You’ll have your doubts and maybe even moments where you feel inadequate (I sometimes do, anyway) but that’s normal too. You want so much to do the very best by her that you set incredibly high standards for yourself. Be kind and generous to yourself.
My son used to nurse for HOURS in the first few weeks. There were days I sat there sobbing when my husband came home from work because I had done NOTHING that day besides nurse and change my son — and occasionally snack on something or drink several litres of fennel tea (supply issues). Things get better. I wish I had resigned myself to it happily (I didn’t HAVE to do anything else, it wasn’t a problem — all I really needed to do was eat, drink, and be with my son), but it just got me down because I had no perspective and unrealistic expectations of myself.
Not saying any of the above applies to you, but maybe my hindsight can be useful to you in some little way? Remember that you are doing a fantastic job, and you have just performed a major feat (giving birth!) and are understandably exhausted and emotional. Any more pictures of that gorgeous girleen of yours? :)
This all sounds so familiar to me! I finally hit a bit of a groove when my oldest was 3 weeks old and then she went through a growth spurt between 5 and 6 weeks old. Finally, at about the 6 week mark, everything settled down and it became so much more of a “normal” thing. Hang in there – you are doing great!!!
All sounds normal–even the anxiety. I had Post Partum Depression after my kids, you may need to look into that also–I had therapy and meds last time and it really helped.
I could not be a SAHM, practically and emotionally. It is a really tough gig. I do know that when I was laid off and had to do the gig for a while, a consistant schedule of going out once a day to do something really helped me. Babies at this age are cute, but they are also not very “fun” 24/7 and you need to do stuff for you–like you said, hobbies. ;-)
Sounds very familiar to me too – and that was just me trying to get the hang of parenting a baby without having had a loss.
Postpartum hormones make anxiety way worse for me and cause me to visualize (vividly) all sorts of awful things happening. (I didn’t connect this with hormones until my mom told me it happened to her during menopause and the thing that helped most was when she started estrogen replacement pills.) Certainly adjust your meds, but I think you’re right also to just acknowledge that it’s hormones and try to be patient with it (hard, I know.)
For the sore boobs, Lansinoh ointment was a lifesaver for me. And yeah, even if you are doing it right, it can hurt. One of my nurses told me she thought it was worse if you had dry/sensitive skin, which I do.
I think weeks 2-8 were the hardest. Hang in there…
forgive me if this is a repeat but regarding the sleeping, have you tried a tight swaddling? she might be ok being fed then laying down in her cosleeper with you next to her if shes bundled up real tight (womb like), of course you dont need to leave her but i noticed you say you cant even lay next to her without her being fussy.
anyway, i love reading about this new time for you, i wish you all the best, <3
I stumbled across your blog the day of Devin’s memorial service and have been following you ever since and cheering you on from afar. I have to speak now: Don’t rush it. You have a long time to figure this all out. It has only been 2 weeks and this is probably the biggest life change you have ever had. Nobody figures it out in 2 weeks, I don’t care what they say or how together they look like they have it. Enjoy Kate and quit worrying about getting it right for the moment. You are being a wonderful mommy to her. I am sorry if this comes across as unsolicited advice, I totally don’t mean it to. I just remember how hectic that first month was. If it makes you feel any better, if you are blessed with a third baby, it is much easier to work another baby into an existing schedule then doing what you are doing now and starting from scratch. Thinking about you!
Your posts are reminding me a lot of when my baby was a newborn (even your labor and birth were very similar to mine). The anxiety at night, I had it bad. My baby was a HUGE eater and started cluster feeding… it was just a couple of hours at first, but it got worse and one night it was 7 hours straight and my nipples were not in good shape to begin with so it was soooo hard on me. And the only way he would go to sleep was to pass out at the boob and for me to hold him the entire time so I never got any sleep… it was so hard, but it got better. And I worked really hard at getting him adjusted to his crib and he was sleeping nearly all night long at 6 weeks and life became much better for me. I know a cosleeper wouldn’t have worked for us, because when I was sleeping in the guest room next to his I would wake at every.little.noise. I got no sleep until I moved back into my room across the house from him. I felt secure doing this because we had a Babysense breathing monitor and a good video monitor (I keep the sound low enough to mute some of the grunts and sighs), so if you get to the same point I was at, you might consider some distance to help yourself also.
Don’t worry too much about Den going back to work. It’s not as scary as it sounds, you’ll do fine and pretty soon you’ll be a SAHM pro and wonder why you were ever worried about it.
Give yourself a little time. The second week is really early on. You’ll fall into a routine. I think the best thing you can do is try to not worry.
I am going to repeat what everyone else is saying. It’s still early days now and what you are feeling is normal. This is a HUGE adjustment for you. For anyone! As time goes on it starts to feel more comfortable and your anxiety will ease.
I suffer from anxiety/depression as well and have been on meds for it for 15+ years. I promise you that you will find your “comfort zone” again in this new and strange, although exciting time.
Hang in there.
Carrie
Normal normal normal. And yet, so frustrating. You’ve waited so long for this and you want to be perfect and, well, it’s not. Add hormones and anxiety and, ug, it’s almost enough to make you wish you had your old life back! Fear not! You will blink and this phase will be over and you will ask yourself many many times a day, “what did we do before we had her?” The center of your universe has just shifted. It feels funny…but it will feel very very right sooner than you will believe. I do have a couple of suggestions. Maybe introduce a bottle sooner rather than later? I know the LCs say wait, but I disagree. The sooner you can hand off some feedings, the sooner you can start feeling normal again. Also, can you beg your mom or MIL or someone to come and stay for a week or two when your husband goes back to work? Company and an extra pair of hands are tremendous helps…now is the time to call in your support network and tell them, “I need help!” Keep up the good work Natalie. You’re doing everything right. We’re all cheering for you and baby Kate!
Me again; I’m kind of condensing my thoughts on several of your recent posts into comments on this one. I forgot I was going to mention that my nipples felt much, much better after about 3 weeks, and my supply had sorted itself out by then too (although I leaked for about 8 months – I used washable pads but also kept some disposable ones in my bag, just in case). I was also going to say that Austin slept in his swing A LOT in the first couple of months, but by 8 weeks or so he was doing fine in the co-sleeper.
*hugs*
“but she’s ours, it’s up to Denis and I to raise her, teach her, take care of her. There is no walking away when you’re exhausted, sore, frustrated… this is it. And, yeah, it’s scary.” – This. I still have this anxiety – but it DOES get better sweety.
Lack of sleep and Serious hormones don’t help. I swear. I’m glad you are being objective about the way you are feeling and gauging it. I waited over a year to realize I needed meds. Hugs you tight. You are doing awesome. Seriously.
Wash, rinse, repeat: it gets better. Also, it changes weekly, so just when you think something’s a total disaster, it smooths out.
Re: anxiety. I have it, had it through pregnancies and both daughters’ infancy undiagnosed and without medication. Don’t be afraid to ask for an adjustment. You are hormonal (which for me didn’t really settle until I stopped nursing, both times) and if you’re anxious you’re fighting two wars without sufficient ammunition (like, oh, I don’t know, SLEEP). Talk to your doctor. You are doing oh so well. Just get the extra help you might need.
Katie is so right! What she said is exactly how it is…
You can imagine being a mother for years..how your baby will be,what it will be like,how wonderful and amazing it´ll be etc..
Then along comes your baby and although its amazing and beautiful,its nothing like you expected and far from perfect.
In the movies,you never see moms complaining about sleepless nights,they all put their baby in its crib,walk away,and thats that for the night etc.No babies cry,they never need to be held…*HA!*
Well,real life with a real baby is NOTHING like that,at least not for the first weeks anyway ;)
I am going to admit that I am SO not a fan of the new born stage..Ive had 3 kids,and I love them with all my heart..but in all honesty,the new born stage (the first 2 months) totally sucks lol
Thats the truth,and feeling frustrated and overwhelemd is SO normal.
Reading your blog,I can remember exactly what I felt after having Noelia.
She was my third..I had experience..what on earth did I have to worry about? I was so looking forward to having her,I had waited for so long.I knew exactly how it was going to be..Id been there before.
How naive of me!!! lol
If you are BFing,you are probably doing it around the clock..you have very little to no time for your self (unless you can do that certain something holding your baby),you are VERY tired,super emotional,you cant seem to get yourself into a regular rutine,you feel fustrated…
All of that is the norm..thats what its like.This is what no one prepares us for ;)
Nat,this difficult stage is very short.It lasts around 3 months.After that,Kate will have established a rutine,a pattern.She will sleep sounder and for longer periods of time at night.She will have learned to be more efficient at the breast and will be able to eat in 5 to 10 minutes,so you will be nursing less (although she may still clusterfeed right before bed,but you will still notice a huge difference),she will be more alert during the day and you will be able to entertain her with things like mobiles,lights etc,so you will be able to get things done…
It DOES get easier,I promise :)
You are doing a wonderful wonderful job..try not to push yourself.Just go with the flow and take each day as it comes.
Ive been a SAHM since my son was 15 months old (he´s 13 now) and its a wonderful thing to be able to do..its a luxury ;)
Once you can get yourself into a little rutine (dont even think about that yet though,you will find that impossible just yet) everything will fall into place and you´ll wonder what on earth you were so worried about :)
You’ll be fine. Every mom on the planet has had those fears. And you’re super young so when you go back to work, you’ll still have a lot of years to have a career. You’re a smart woman.
One baby is incredibly “portable.” You’ll go places and have confidence in no time to do it by yourself when your husband is at work. Join a moms group if you can; it really helps. Or go to La Leche meetings. My hospital had a first time moms group that was arranged by birth months. We did stuff for years; some of the moms were on their 3rd kid before we drifted apart and some I’m still friends with.
Good luck.
hehehe, interesting club this motherhood thing hey?
like all have said before me, you are doing great and experiencing what most moms experience – so at least you’re ‘normal’ :P
at around 2 weeks, my son had a growth spurt that I mistook for lack of milk. someone from the interwebz saved me that day – and reminded me of growth spurts. And that anxiety was normal. And that being overwhelmed was normal. She said I was doing just fine, and I believed her. I hope you believe us. You’re doing fine!