Sleep?
Learning to parent your child is quite interesting. I didn’t really prepare much – I didn’t read parenting books, and I skipped those sections in my pregnancy books. My attitude was more or less, let’s get her here first, I’ll worry about the rest later. And that’s simply what I had to do at the time. Well now she’s here and there are so many things I don’t know. Den and I find ourselves frequently looking over a situation saying things like, “Ummm, are we supposed to do this? Or that?” We try to take Kate’s lead on everything, and we try to listen to our instincts, but at the same time we’re kind of paranoid first-time parents. We like to make sure that it’s “okay.”
Especially when you get into the realm of breastfeeding, I’m paranoid about messing up my supply. I read the books, and it doesn’t seem that difficult. But you know what? Real life doesn’t play out like the books happily illustrate. I have had to go running to my friends a few times with questions. (Thankfully I have wonderful friends!) It certainly doesn’t help that I’m paranoid. One minute I’m convinced I have an oversupply (and to be true, I was/am terribly engorged). I pumped off the excess, then spent the rest of the day paranoid that I didn’t have enough to feed her. This worry thing, it is not logical or linear.
On top of being first-time parents we’re also just getting to know our daughter, and she’s just figuring out her own preferences and personality.
Like with sleep. Kate is still a great sleeper, with one minor (ha) problem: she hates sleeping in her bed. The first few days she’d sleep anywhere, for as long as we wanted, basically. Now she’s starting to be awake more during the day, which is great, but she’s also started to fuss more when we want her to sleep – not so great. One thing seems very clear to us: she hates being flat on her back on a firm surface. You know, the way you are supposed to put babies to sleep. I’ve been noticing over the last few days that she’s gotten progressively worse at this sleeping at night thing – but it’s not a time of day thing. I try to take a nap in the middle of the day and as soon as I put her down beside me she starts waking up, fussing, and finally full out screaming. I change her diaper, I nurse her, I calm her down…. put her back down and the same thing happens. Which is bad enough by itself, but I was beyond tired and really needed a nice nap. It is just so frustrating to see my peacefully sleeping baby wake up and become so upset. She absolutely loves her baby papasan swing, and she sleeps great in our arms or on our laps. Heck she can even be passed around while asleep and she just makes little squeaks and stretches and sleeps on. Just don’t lay her down. Even if you’re right there, touching her, talking to her…. nope, no can do.
So now we’re looking at alternate sleep solutions and trying to adjust. At this point I just want some good solid sleep, without cracking my eye open every 2 minutes waiting for the inevitable wake-up-and-cry. Thank goodness there are two of us. The best sleep I get is when Den takes her after I’ve nursed her and lets her sleep on his chest for a few hours while I sleep.
We’ll get this figured out. It’s just frustrating in the meantime.
Maybe try swaddling her for sleep or using a sleep sack?
Haven’t personally tried it, but lots of babies I’ve known don’t like the feeling of wide-open space in a crib/bed.
Though I’ve no experience in this area either (my first bub is due in 2 weeks) – I have been looking into this and have been interested in the book “The happiest baby on the block”. I watched the DVD and what the guy says makes total sense to me. He talks about the 5 S’s – swaddling, shushing, swinging, side sleeping, soothing. Google Harvey Karp and his stuff should come up. If you give it a go, I’d be interested to hear if it works.
What Courtney says immediately came to my mind too – sounds as if she misses the comfort of arms around her, cloth around her. Swaddling might help a lot.
Swaddle her for sure, but also she can smell you and right now you’re “food!” You mentioned the best sleep is after you’ve fed her and Den has her. Try sleeping in a different room a couple of times and see if that helps. My son would wake up every. single. time. *I* was near him. Every time. When I wasn’t in the room he was good for a four hour stretch at three weeks old. We coslept so him waking because I was around at night wasn’t a problem, but recovering from birth? You need some sleep!
From what I remember from some of my friends and the first few weeks, it’s all about circadian rhythms. They’re kind of used to not having you lull them to sleep at night, so that’s when they’re used to being awake. Give it a week or two, and she should adjust to sleeping at night and being a bit more awake during the day. I know it’s rough when you’re tired and stressed (seeing as how I was there most recently! *lol*), but like most things – give it time.
*hugs* <3!
I should add that Leah didn’t much like swaddling either – she couldn’t stand having her arms pinned down. I’m guessing your Kate is similar in that, since she’s got the adorable arms up thing going too.
Nat – my little girl is almost three months old now, she was the same way. Just until last weeks she would not sleep in her bed. So she slept in either her swing or car seat, swaddled up tight. Just do what works so you can get some sleep. You aren’t going to form any habits that you don’t want at this point and as long as she is safe and snug, you are good to go.
The first few months are the hardest,especially if you are BFing.
I found that BFing on demand was the best thing to do because it always calmed her right down instantly,but it also meant that Noe soon got used to being held *all* of the time..even to sleep.
I also went through a very tiring stage where all she wanted to do was sleep on one of us (DH or I) and the worst part was,it was nearly always me,because she loved to nurse and sleep at the same time (at just a week old,this was something she actually demanded!).We tried using a paci,I tried nursing for as long as she needed then laying her down etc..it was a no go,she wanted to be held/nursed.
In the end,I started co-sleeping.It was the O N L Y way to get *any* sleep.I was totally desperate.I was constantly in a daze,and beyond snappy and weepy..
I couldent shower,I couldent get dressed,and I dont think I cooked in over a month! I just didnt have the energy or the time.
So,one of the nights when she just kept waking up the moment I layed her down (even after nursing her for over an hour),I layed her next to me in bed,snuggled right over to her and when she woke up (I waited for her to actually wake up kwim?) I popped my boob into her mouth and she fell right back top sleep.
That night,I slept!
Now,Im not saying that you should co-sleep,or that it is super ideal either (because its not..they get used to being in your bed and here I am..2 years later,BFing and co-sleeping a toddler that takes up my whole bed! lol).
What Im saying is,its basicly trial and error until you find something that actually works for you all.You *need* to sleep.
Swaddling never worked for us,Noe liked to have her hands up by her face and she hated to have her legs confined (still hates being covered),she hated pacis,she NEVER slept on her back so we always layed her on her side etc
You may read that certain things are a “nono”,but to be honest,if you are going to try and do everything text book perfect,you are going to be completely miserable..especially if your baby likes to lay on her side and due to what some book says,you are making her sleep on her back etc ;) (those ittle things can make a huge difference in how she sleeps).
You have to go with the flow…do what works.You´re her mother and if what works for you isnt some “rule” that apears in a book..then so be it.
I dumped reading parenting books after my first because personally,I dont think you can parent every child with one set of rules.
Even as new borns,I never woke my kids to eat (nurse),I left them alone.Id do what I had to do to keep them awake late in the afternoon so that they´d fall asleep right after their night time bath (this meant lots of goofy faces,holding them upright etc etc),At night,Id never turn on a light if they woke up (we had tiny night lights),and we had thick curtains to keep ALL of the light out so that they´d sleep until as late as possible the next day etc
Perfect? To some psycologist who has no kids..maybe not.But for me it worked kwim? lol
Dont worry Nat..after the first 3 months,they start to sleep deeper and things change ALOT kwim? You´ll see ;)
miracle blanket!! it’s truly a miracle…
i 2nd the miracle blanket. you can get 1 on amazon or ebay. They like to feel squished just like in your tummy….
Once you get a routine down this will happily pass. I don;t know of any mom who hasn’t gone through this! My daughter slept for the 1st 3 weeks in her papasan. I put it in the bedside thing we had so she was at arms reach. the vibrator thing was the thing she was looking for. You’ll just need to keep your animals away from her while she’s in it!
Also some babies don’t like being put flat down b/c of potential reflux. Some moms I know had their newborns sleep ALL THE TIME in their carseats!
Good luck!!!!
I already commented on FB, but wanted to 3rd the miracle blanket! We still use it for Adi at 4 months old. She did NOT like laying flat on her back either at first and she slept in her bouncy seat. Many nights I brought her to bed with me and even though she was flat on her back – being snuggled next to me helped her. By 6-7 weeks she was sleeping on her back in the playard next to my bed.
As for BFing – I remember constantly worrying about my supply. Should I pump? Will I have enough? Should I wake her to eat? The best advice I ever received was to TRUST my body and baby. I did not pump the excess after she ate because that would only tell my body to make more milk. As soon as I really started to trust Adisyn and my body I was a much happier with less anxiety mama!
Oh – and the Happiest Baby on the Block – GREAT book! This booked saved our sanity with Caden.
My son Quinn was the same way. He refused to sleep on a flat surface for the first 3 months. For the first week of his life, he slept in his carseat, swaddled! After that, it was the Fisher-Price Soothing Motions Glider. It made total sense to me: he spent nine months curled up in my uterus all cozy and snug, and he wanted to be in the same position on the outside.
Once he did finally start sleeping on a flat surface, we swaddled him because he would contstantly wake himself up with his flailing hands. We did that until he was about 5 months old.
Just keep reminding yourself that it gets better and it gets easier. It is hard to think straight those early days from the lack of exhaustion. I was terrified of cosleeping but for the first two weeks, it was usually the only way I could get any sleep. He would sleep on my chest and eventually we were able to ease him into a bassinette and I would keep my hand on him. By three weeks or so, he would sleep in the bassinette without my hand and I think around six weeks we were able to put him in his room! That was mostly because babies are VERY noisy sleepers with all the grunting and whatnot and by that time I couldn’t sleep with him right beside me.
I wouldn’t stress to much about how you guys sleep right now but just try and work to get some. Your idea with Den sounds perfect. I promise it will get better!!
In addition to swaddling, you can try an infant sleep positioner that has an incline to it (or tilt her mattress at an incline with towels under it). Others have used moses baskets laid inside a crib to give a snugglier feeling. After the first 2 weeks, we stopped swaddling during the day — only at night and that seemed to help let him know that it was time for “the big sleep.”
One thing I remember that helped us out a little when we started having this problem (at about a week old) was getting a worn shirt of DH’s and putting it safely in the cot with DS. Newborns have such a strong sense of smell… if you put something of yours in there, she will smell you and your milk and not settle as well.
Saying that, it only worked for about 2-3 weeks but if gave us a bit of much needed sleep in that time. We always wrapped him too, because there was no chance of sleep in his bed without being wrapped up snug.
I did end up co-sleeping between 3-9 months as DS just refused to sleep on his own, without being cuddled or rocked. I thought I was going to lose my mind with the constant waking.
It takes time to figure out all their little wants and needs, and they’re all different… unfortunately!! I never read any parenting books either, I just went with the flow and did what felt right for us.
With regards to breastfeeding, here in Australia we have the ABA (Australian Breastfeeding Assoc). They provide a 24 hour helpline with trained breastfeeding counsellors – a fantastic source of support and information. Do you guys have anything over there like that?
As I said on Twitter, n was the same way. And though what worked for us won’t necessarily work for you, my advice remains the same – however she’ll sleep, go with it! She would only sleep on a person (or attached to us, like in the crook of our arm) for a very long time. If you tried to put her down, she was up within 20 minutes. 40 if we were lucky. Swaddled, unswaddled, white noise, no white noise, vibrations, no vibrations, bed, boppy, swing, car seat, whatever. We went with it. Eventually she was able to sleep swaddled. Then we worked our way out of the swaddle.
Of course, now we’re going through the 4 month sleep regression, or maybe just a KILLER growth spurt, I don’t know, so I am very very tired once more. As with all advice, take it with a grain of salt. ;-)
My now 4 yo daughter was the same way. She would be sound asleep in our arms, but the minute you put her down or the little hairs on her head even touched a non-skin surface, she’d wake up and scream. We quickly discovered that co-sleeping was the only way we were going to get any rest. I was sure she’d be in our bed until she went off to college, but in fact at about 3 1/2 months she began sleeping in her crib. So there is light at the end of the tunnel! Hang in there; you’ll find a solution that works for you.
I agree with others – we did cosleeping as well) and if I got truly desperate – we let her sleep in either the carseat or the swing by the bed just to get some sleep. Hugs you tight. Just know that there is an Army of mommies out there who have been through the same thing you are going through now. Hugs you tight.
I should have added, we’ve tried swaddling and not swaddling, it doesn’t make a difference… she is only asleep for at most 15 minutes before waking up and crying if we put her down in the cosleeper. :/
Can I say yes yes yes to all of that??? Trust me. The books just make you cry anyway with all their judgment and opposite stories. The one nice nugget I gleaned though was up to about 4 mos, get them to sleep however you can. It will get better. Ewan was AWFUL, and now he’s so much better.
I second and third the happiest baby and the miracle blanket suggestions but, really, depending on your baby, it may or may not help. What did the most for me (of course, the second time around) was realizing that a) the baby’s innate disposition has more to do with it than any tricks; b) this phase is sooooo fast and soooo short…it will be over soon; c) crying for babies is like exercise. They need to do it to burn off steam, get themselves relaxed and tired out. If you can train yourself to think of some of the crying as Kate’s little baby workout, it will feel less like she is maliciously trying to prevent you from sleeping ever again. And I also second the, “get sleep however you can” technique. Don’t worry about lifetime habits, just get yourself through the next few weeks!
Hugs…you’re doing great!
Ditto once again to the Miracle Blanket! It’s fantastic. One of my friends recently also recommended the Zaky hand (http://www.zakeez.com). It’s got the size, weight, feel, and even scent (once you sleep with it) of a real hand and it’s really calming to babies and they feel like they have your presence. I haven’t used it, but I guess it’s commonly used in NICU’s, for example, when parents can’t always be present with their babies. Otherwise, persistence pays off – every time Kate gets sleepy, put her down in her bassinet and it might take a dozen times, but eventually, she’ll be exhausted and will want to sleep no matter where she is.
Hey there! I used to be another IF on the boards and follow your blog. Congratulations by the way!!! I recently had the same sleep problems with out son that you are having. What helped us was purchasing the Hushamok sleep hammock. It’s quite spendy, but definately worth it if you can swing it. Maybe there are some on Ebay? Not sure, but it’s wonderful because it’s not flat & hard and bounces them every time they move. Good luck. Regardless of the gadgets, she will get better about sleeping.
I saw your twitter about the nap nanny….I must say…my girlfriend had the exact same issues you are having with Kate…and it worked great for her. It is worth every penny if it means you will get more regular sleep. I also agree with the miracle blanket recommendations…they really are a miracle.
As for parenting…I read a lot and had some experience as a nanny….but when it comes to your own…instinct really is the best and talking to your friends. Books are great for ideas and things to try but unless you are willing to completely create a regime around some author’s philosophy…they really are just places to get ideas. Take what works and leave the rest behind. Oh…and once you think you have a “routine” … be prepared for it to change…babies grow so fast and it affects eating, sleeping and everything else. Just stay flexible and take your cues from Kate and I’m sure you will do fine.
kd
I agree that you have to just find a solution and not worry too much. She is a week old – you have plenty of time to set sleep patterns when she settles in some more.
Our third baby just had to be touching skin, otherwise he wouldn’t sleep as a newborn. It was difficult, but it did pass. And yes, I gave up and slept with him. The second one wouldn’t stop sleeping. Literally slept all day, even through baths. She clocked in at 22 hours a day until two months. She sleeps like a dream still. Our first clucked like a chicken on and off all night, so we spent much time gently shaking her basket. I am of the opinion that you have a small amount of control and the rest is just learning what the personality involved needs. And making that work with your needs. No solution in a book will work with all babies. We let the first one cry and two nights later she was sleeping just fine – the last one had absolutely no response to that method. I hear you that you are nervous and want to do it right, and you will. What works for you and Kate is what is right.
Do what works for her and you. Parenting books and other parents can only tell you what works for their babies. With my first, we had the same challenge. We just took turns sleeping, while the other one held our baby so she could sleep. I could get about a 3 hour stretch before nursing again. Oh and with nursing, don’t stress about it. Again, do what feels natural. Keep putting her to breast when needed and your breasts will adjust to her needs.
I’m probably the twentieth person to say this, but do WHATEVER IT TAKES, and whatever you are comfortable with. I was really against bedsharing but ended up doing it on many occasions, just to get some sleep. (Our son sleeps in his own bed just fine now, *I* am the one who misses sleeping together!). She’s still so very little, there is absolutely no way you can ‘spoil’ her or anything like that. Apparently quite a lot of psychologists say it’s good for them to be as close as possible to you for the first four months or so, after that you can start routines and regimes and whatnot.
I liked the Babywhisperer, by the way, but always taken with a big grain of salt, and applied to an older baby. I think she starts too young with her EASY programme. Otherwise, a lot of it worked really well for us.
Here’s hoping you get more shut-eye soon!
i know it’s against the “rules” but i used a sleep positioner, because my daughter was the same way. it’s just a little foam wedge with a slight incline. it’s cushy and keeps their head slightly elevated. plus it has little removable sides that sort of hold them in place.
I agree with the swaddle solution but I kept one arm out. Thst seemed to help my daughter.
If you have any nursing questions feel free to email me. I nursed my daughter for 16 months…..
just wanted to say, you’re doing GREAT!
pity these gorgeous little people don’t come with manuals… but we all survived and so will Kate (and you guys lol!)
remember to pat yourself on the back – you’re doing GREAT!
We loved the Fisher-Price Soothing Motions Glider. My son slept in it for months. We just left it on all night next to our bed.
Also, atheists rock!
I’m going to get hate mail lobbed at me for this, so I’ll preface it by saying talk to her doctor first. at least during the day, when you are able to keep an eye on her, you can lay her on her tummy and turn her head to the side. Mine slept soooooo much better and longer that way (then of course I’d be anxious my milk would dry up so I’d wake her up to feed her..catch 22!). I wouldn’t do it at night, but for daytime I did. Sleeping on an incline on her back also helped us. Our pedi suggested placing a towel under the bassinet sheet in a U-shape and elevating the bassinet mattress. You can place her in the “U” and she might stay put on her back. Also, her bouncer seat probably vibrates, and that helps. You mentioned she might not appreciate the bouncing, but actually they are designed to softly bounce when they move, and that reminds them of the movement inside your womb and might lull her back to sleep. Later on our daughter was diagnosedw with GERD (severe reflux), and I put her on the tucker wedge to sleep until she was 11 months old. Something to keep in mind.
Congrats on your beautiful girl! I’m, usually just a lurker and was so happy for you and your husband when you got pregnant, had a healthy pregnancy and then gave birth to your Kate. As someone who had a tough time with the newborn sleep thing I thought I’d chime in. So many people told me and I completely agree that for the first few months there is no right or wrong thing to do with sleeping. However they sleep, and therefore you sleep, is a-okay. My baby hated laying flat on his back too – we swaddled him (The Happiest Baby on the Block was a miracle for us) and he slept in his swing every time he slept – naps and at night – until he was four months old. I felt weird about it at first but it worked. And now he is 5 months, sleeping just fine in his crib. So much of the first couple of months was trial and error, reading online asking people for advice, wondering if we were doing the “right” thing. I’m sure you guys are doing great!