Stupid fears
Babies are little heat machines. Just saying. Even in our semi-cool basement watching a movie, with her asleep on our laps we just start to sweat like crazy. Whoosh!
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This anxiety is a weird, slippery thing. I have felt it sliding around in the background all day today, and it annoys me. I’m trying to probe it, to figure out where it’s coming from. And when I feel it tugging at my thoughts I try to acknowledge that it’s there, take a deep breath, and remind myself that it’s the hormones talking. I’m semi-successful.
It’s like all my thoughts and worries pile up on top of each other, creating this stream-of-consciousness nattering away in my head. It’s everything at once: worrying about something happening to Kate, worrying that time is going too fast, thinking about the past, trying to plan the future… It’s like my brain decides to suddenly worry about everything at once. Each one individually really aren’t that bad, but everything together? Frustrating. And it’s stupid things, too. Like I get thinking about Den going back to work and returning to the old routine. Well the thought of Den not being home upsets me because I LIKE this new daily routine, I’m enjoying it so much. But then I start thinking about how otherworldly this feels, and how it would be nice to return to some sort of familiar routine so that it starts feeling like my own life again, not some dream land. You see what I mean? It’s a lose-lose situation, these thoughts – and either way I’m spending time worrying about things that aren’t happening yet instead of just being fully present. I think that’s what’s frustrating me the most, my inability to just be present in the moment.
Tonight we went down to the basement to watch a movie, and I worked hard on just letting the thoughts come and go. For some reason the basement has been triggering my anxiety in the evenings – which is not terribly surprising, since that room is a dark basement room and in the past has always tended to make my moods worse when I’m in a bad one. But I like spending time with my husband down there – it’s our family room, with the big TV for watching movies and the couch. So today I just went down there and took deep breaths and looked around taking it all in. I didn’t have another panic attack like the last two nights. I think we’re going to have to do something to the room itself – put up pictures, clean it up, something to make it feel different – but I’m glad that maybe every night won’t stress me out.
I’m giving this all until Tuesday to start going away on its own. If it doesn’t I’ll be calling the Midwives to talk about maybe upping my dosage of anti-depressants. This may be just a temporary hormonal thing, but I just really don’t want to waste time with this anxiety if I don’t have to. I have more important things to do.
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This child sleeps like crazy. The first day in the hospital she slept 99% of the time. I had to keep waking her up to breastfeed, like they told me to, but she’d fall right back asleep on me. The second day she was hungry and my milk wasn’t in so she spent that entire day at the boob or sleeping. And then my milk came in. Now she gets milk! Ooooo, milky goodness. She eats…. eats… dozes off…. falls asleep at the boob…. and then sinks into what we call a “milk coma.” And generally she is out for 3 hours-ish. My boobies do not like it when she goes longer than 3 hours, and I know she should be feeding more frequently… but her periodic cluster-feeds make up for it. She certainly gets in enough feedings in a day, she pees and poops just fine, and she’s gaining weight. So the only one suffering is… me. Darn.
But she can sleep through just about anything. The dog barking? No problem, used to that from in the womb. The TV? The vacuum cleaner? Being carried around? No problems. If she’s out, she’s out.
Feeding is still going fine, though of course I feel like a terrible noob…. thank goodness for LC friends and can answer questions. We are trying to just take everything as it comes and follow her lead, but with breastfeeding it gets seemingly complicated… like trying to decide if I should do things or not: waking her up to feed; switching sides mid-feed; expressing milk to relieve engorgement; giving a pacifier. Something seems like a good idea, but then I fret if it will affect my supply – but then my supply seems to be crazy. My boobs get SO full and hard, it is quite painful. Add to that the sore nipples and my entire chest is like the center of my universe right now – one big throbbing center of discomfort. (Not always pain – but definitely not comfortable.) I am hoping like hell that the boobs will settle down next week.
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Funny thing: when we were deciding on names and I had my huge emotional freak-out about the name we had chosen and what her nickname would be I was dead set that her name had to be Kate. KATE. Other people could call her whatever, but I was going to call her Kate, end of story. And so of course now that she’s here I sing-song to her and talk to her all the time…. and I call her Katherine. Yes, I write Kate. But we definitely switch back and forth all the time. They both feel right. Guess people were right…. whatever name you give them, it just becomes a part of who they are.
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I think part of the anxiety about the future is that somehow I wouldn’t love her as much tomorrow as I do today. I know that sounds stupid – I know, I know. But when you look down at a little creature held in your arms and you cry because she’s just so beautiful and perfect it’s easy to think, how can I possibly love her any more than this? I mean, she’s perfect right now, just as she is. Then tomorrow comes, and the day after that. Little things have changed already: her face is a little different, her cries are a little different, her routine is a little different. and I look at her and think, oh my god, she’s even MORE beautiful. We’re trying to get video and pictures as much as we can so we can look back and remember – there is always something precious about every look, every day – but it looks like tomorrow is going to bring even more amazing things. I just need to remind myself of that, stop worrying, and just enjoy what I have today.
All of what you write sounds familiar to me, and I’m sure it’ll strike a chord with other readers too. I don’t know if that lessens the anxiety — knowing that most mothers feel/have felt it …
My last thought before drifting off to sleep was ALWAYS a horrible one: visualizing something terrible happening to my baby. When I look back now I actually think I was a little bit … hysterical? crazy? at times in those first weeks. It helps to put it into words, doesn’t it?
No advice here, anyway, just … I know what you mean.
I am so blessed to read your blog every day. I love hearing your updates on all-things motherhood and Kate. Likewise, I’m glad it’s good therapy for you.
Regarding engorgement – what has worked for me w/ newborns is to pump for 5-10 minutes after the morning feeding. (Or after they eat at some point when you’re uncomfortable.) You’ll relieve your breasts, and have extra milk to store for bottles (fridge or freezer) for later down the road. It won’t affect your supply, nor will you be “stealing milk” from Kate (I always had that fear), as she’ll have just been fed, and your body will accommodate its supply & demand.
You’re doing a great job, Mama! Keep processing and living, and most of all, ENJOYING! :)
I remember that feeling of thinking “how can I love this baby more than I do this very moment?” And guess what? You will look back two years from now and realize that your love for Kate now is only a fraction of how it grows over time as she becomes this funny, silly, obstinate, sweet and fascinating child. My son is now 2 years old and I love him exponentially more than I did in those first days/weeks/months. It is the most amazing thing to me and I am still in awe of that. I have loved other children very deeply and intently as I was a nanny for years…but this “mother’s love” is so different and so personal and so special….It is a gift from the heavens and I try to remember everyday (especially as my 2 yr old throws himself on the ground in a tantrum for the 20th time) how lucky I am to have him and this experience in my life. I’m so completely thrilled for you that Kate is here, healthy and stealing and growing your heart everyday.
kd
First Nat, CONGRATS!! I am so happy for you. I was in the April DDC with you when you were pregnant with Devin and have been following along since then.
What you are feeling though is completely normal and after the first week or so you may find it happens at certain times of day further showing it is just the hormones. The best thing you have going for you is KNOWING that. It makes all the difference just to understand why and that it is not “real” even though feels like it is. I got to where I knew mine was going to hit every day aroung lunch time. I would take that time to take a hot bath and usually just cry. I would come out feeling much better and doing that seemed to help me get back to normal faster.
Just let your DH know that this is just hormones going on with you and that sometimes you will just need to cry a little bit and there is nothing anyone can do about it. A lot of times if the husband doesn’t understand they feel like they are causing it, or try to “help” and inadvertently piss you off, lol. Just know it will go away eventually and those times of just being SO happy will happen more and more!!
Hey! Re engorgement, just wondering if you’ve given any thought to pumping and freezing milk. Just a thought…I started doing it when my son was a few weeks old because I thought it would be nice at some point for my husband to give him a bottle. Turned out, I was selfish and never wanted to *let* my hubby give him a bottle, :) BUT, at 12 weeks post-partum, I had a kidney stone that landed me in the hospital for 2 1/2 days – I ended up having surgery. I was SO glad I had that frozen milk for my baby so he didn’t have to drink formula. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with formula, I just much preferred that he get breastmilk! :) Anyway, something to consider since it sounds like you have such a great supply!
re: milk coma, my LC called it milk-drunk, which I thought was hilarious, so we always called it that. It’s hilarious. They are so floppy.
I could not have survived without expressing milk to relieve engorgement. Your body makes too much in the beginning until it figures out how much the baby will need, at which point it can regulate itself. Given that it really is too much, there was nothing I could do but pump a little bit to relieve the pain. In fact, my breast would get like a bowling ball and the baby couldn’t even latch on. Ehhhnnn I am in pain just thinking about it.
I also had a hard time after the sun went down the first weeks home with my boys. Glad it seems to be going better for you!
I felt the same way with my newborns. I didn’t want them to get bigger, I didn’t want time to pass! Some people don’t like the constant nursing, the waking up all night, the fact that all they can do at this age is just lie there. But this stage is my favorite, and I have felt the way you do with every one of my babies.
Re: sleeping
Long time lurker de lurking to say two things – first of all, congratulations!!! What a beautiful little girl :)
Secondly, have you tried swaddling her? My little boy would only sleep on his own if he was swaddled; it took me about 6 weeks to figure that out and boy was I ever happy! We co slept but at nap time, it was a life saver.
Give it a try, it might do the trick! My baby slept swaddled until he was 6 months old when one day he just decided he didn’t want to be anymore.
Good luck!
I’m a frequent lurker, but I’ve never commented until. First off, CONGRATS. Kate is absolutely beautiful. What a true blessing. I have a 10 month old baby girl also named Kate!
I also wanted to comment on your anxiety. I had severe post partum depression with my first DD, which unfortunately wasn’t diagnosed until I was pregnant with my second DD. My best friend lost a baby when I was pregnant with my first and I think that really set the groundwork for what I went through. When I was 25 weeks along with my second one, I started taking Zoloft and it worked wonderful for me. When Kate was born the first few days were great. I spoke with my OB and psychiatrist often and didn’t show any signs of the PPD. Then at 6 days PP, it hit me like a ton of bricks! I recognized the symptoms right away and immediately doubled my dose to 100 mg. I called my psychiatrist and she agreed since we had talked about this before. Within about 12 hours I was back to the way I was feeling before.
I don’t know what you are taking, but I was worried about being able to BF and it has gone great. Kate is 10 months old and I have had to increase my dose again, but she hasn’t had any problems and is still exclusively BF. So I just wanted to offer some encouragment regardig the anti-depressents. I felt guilty having to take them, but they are a lifesaver. A happy mommy is a happy baby.
Congrats again, she is just beautiful and perfect:) I hope you are getting *some* sleep.
If Kate doesn’t take to sleeping in her bed — try to get a moby wrap so that at least when you are up and about, you can just “wear” her and get things done. Some women slept beautifully with their babies in a wrap, but I was too afraid and probably wouldn’t advise it (given the recent recall, especially). And… you just gotta keep trying with the crib. My guy, at almost one year, refuses to nap; but I keep trying and trying. Works about 1 in 5.
YES again. and every “which do I choose” situation seems huge. you are normal and it gets better. xxxxx
Here from the Roundup…
I remember the anxiety – I never had any anxiety before in my life until my daughter was born. It lasted for about 6 months before it finally started to recede. I still get flashes, 3.5 years later, but it helped to know that it was perfectly normal. I think ‘mother’s intuition’ is really just anxiety by another name. Good luck – it is very disconcerting to experience.
I’m here from the round-up too and just wanted to say I always find it refreshing to hear from others who have this kind of amorphous anxiety about parenting. I worried (still do although maybe less?) about so many things in those early months. My concerns tended to be mostly about what I was doing right or wrong, i.e. “Have I played with her enough? Done enough to stimulate her brain? Got her the right toys? Exposed her to enough other children/foods etc. to enable her to learn and grow?” The list always felt endless – like there were more things I could/should be doing. Even now the concept of “good enough” parenting sometimes feels elusive to me (with a 2 yr. 4 mo. old) but I definitely feel more relaxed as my daughter turns into a super-okay kid! Thank goodness. Congratulations and best of luck as you navigate this amazing and life changing experience!
Here from LFCA, and I wanted to say that this anxiety is very familiar to me too. I had severe PPD after the birth of my daughter. It was accompanied by anxiety. I waited 3 months to get it diagnosed because I was afraid someone would try to take her away from me, but when I finally did, Zoloft did nothing for me. I’m glad to hear you’re already on anti-ds. Took a while for me to find the right one and the right dosage, and that took care of a lot of stuff, but it did not stop the spiral of anxiety. What helped with that was a small dose of X.anax– taken on an as-needed basis. I still take it occasionally to get me through (my daughter has had 2 surgeries and has another one coming up), and it seems to calm the obsessive worry within about 20 minutes, and then I can cope and do what I need to do.