Little Things
Okay, since my brain is going like a million miles a minute at any given time I’m going to just try to do a brain dump here.
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The carseat we’re using is the Graco SafeSeat (in blue/silver) – it was purchased 2 years ago, for Devin. I chose it because of the higher weight limit, which I’m still happy about. I also bought the Graco Mosaic stroller in the same pattern. This combination does snap together so you can use the infant seat on walks, but it’s not a huge travel set – the stroller is very light and is more or less between an umbrella stroller and a full bells-and-whistles stroller. Den finally dug out the stroller today and took Kate and Zeeke for a walk. It worked great! It’s definitely not too big for me to handle, it was smooth and easy to use, the carseat snapped securely in it. Very happy with my choice! (Note: While it is important to figure out how to get the carseat in and out of the base in the car and to make sure the base is securely installed in your car, I would highly recommend you also take the time to figure out how you strap a baby into the carseat before you bring it to the hospital to bring home your new baby. We had the carseat turned upside down on my hospital bed trying to figure out how to loosen the damn straps!)
My coworkers had purchased for me the Baby Papasan Swing in “My Little Lamb.” First, it’s fucking adorable. I mean, truly. Second, because it’s a swing the cats aren’t able to just jump up onto it… every time they put their paws on it to take a look it would swing away from them and they’d walk off, puzzled. Third, she fits in it and seems very comfortable – she tends to spend a lot of time sleeping in it (we don’t have a pack’n’play in the living room because of the cats). The safety strap is soft and very simple to use. Now the swing mechanism itself is a little bit noisy (not that it bothers our champion sleeper, but it’s kind of irritating to us), and even on the lowest setting it’s pretty fast. We’ve not turned it on very often, we tend to just push it gently ourselves… which works just fine. It’s just a comfortable, safe place to put her down to sleep.
On the other side of things, I have this little boppy travel swing (though ours isn’t in pink). I have to say, I’m not a fan of it. We put her in it for the first time the other day and it just feels like the way she sits in it makes me nervous… her chin is all folded forward towards her chest, and her head rolls around too much. And the safety straps just seem too complicated for such a little swing, I much prefer the Fisher Price ones. And then of course the fact that it’s a travel swing means it’s on the ground, which means the animals are all poking their noses in her face. Not exactly a great idea, I’m not sure what I was thinking.
We also have this Fisher Price bouncer. We haven’t used it much yet, we only put her in it once the other day, but it’s wicked cute and, like with the papasan swing, she seems to fit in it well and comfortably. It has the same simple safety strap as the papasan swing. It bounces easily. We may not use this much for the next while, but after Den returns to work it’s what I’m going to bring into the bathroom with me so Kate can be nearby while I shower. I also think she’s going to enjoy it when she gets bigger and is able to bounce!
For sleep we have an Arm’s Reach Cosleeper – she hasn’t been in her crib at all yet, and probably won’t for a while. The cosleeper is bigger than expected. It seems very safe and sturdy, though it was a horrible pain in the ass to assemble – it was complicated to begin with, and the instructions suck. But I honestly don’t know how I’d sleep without her being right next to me – even during the day she’s sleeping either on or next to Denis or I. Now I don’t mind bringing Kate into our bed for nursing (very comfy!), but I feel safer with her being in her own flat, firm bed. I just need her to be really close to me.
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On Tuesday we had her first appointment with the pediatrician at 3 days old. She weighed in at the same weight as she was at hospital discharge on Sunday, so they were happy about that. Of course she peed all over when we took off her diaper to get weighed – she’s been doing that with some frequency! Then, after she was back in a diaper (but not clothes), we had to wait in the room for the dr. And she was pissed – she never likes having her diaper off for any length of time, too cold. So she was screaming and screaming and finally I just said oh screw this, and put her on the boob so she’d calm down. It worked great! She was nice and quiet when the dr came in, we were able to talk a little bit in silence… and then I hear tthhbbbtttttttt from her bum. Awwww man. So daddy got to change a very poopy diaper while she screamed again and I attempted to talk to the pediatrician. It’s rather distracting, just saying. But everything checked out great, no concerns from us, nothing noted by the dr… she’s just a very healthy little newborn! After the dr left we stayed in the room so I could nurse her a while and get her to stop screaming again.
Today we went back in to weigh her again to make sure she’s gaining appropriately, and she’s right back up to her birth weight. She still hates being undressed, and she peed on the scale again… well actually she peed while Denis was taking her from one scale to the other, and he caught most of it in his hand, lol! I again had to nurse her to calm her down. Poor munchkin. I hate it when she’s crying and there’s nothing much I can do about it.
She doesn’t go back until 1 month old!
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Another night, another crying jag. Uggghhh! I hate hormones! I really hope this settles down soon. I’ve noticed some anxiety creeping up in the evenings, and I am not happy about that. I am great when the sun is up – today we had another gorgeous day together as a family, and I feel just so happy and light and joyful. For a while Den was working out front in our garden, so I brought Kate out there and we sat and watched and chit-chatted. It was just lovely. But when the sun sets… I don’t know, something about the loss of light is triggering anxiety and tears.
Tonight is the first night that I have actually stopped and thought about Devin. I mean he’s always in our conversations and present in our lives, but tonight is the first time that I have really allowed myself to stop and let myself think about what we should have had. I knew the grief would have to come, but I wanted a few days with just the joy, first.
In regards to your last paragraph: with each child I’ve had since our loss I’ve done the same thing. It’s hard but, at the same time, comforting to know those memories and those “what if’s” will always be there, just like Devin.
I agree with KC. Grief is part of love. Truly loving someone means that you will grieve when they are gone. So feeling that for her, it reminds me that I love her. Sucks that it has to be that way, though.
I’m so happy that you are having happy moments and settling in. I’m so sorry that Devin couldn’t be here to meet his sister.
(hugs)
I agree with you about the travel swing. I somehow decided buying TWO for my one baby was a good idea. I’ve used one of them twice, and the other one never. Dumb idea.
Also, try putting her in the bouncer now if you want her to like it eventually. My baby wasn’t put in a bouncer (because we didnt have one) until 2+ months, and she never sat more than 30 seconds in it before screaming. She HATED it. But, I think with my second kid (I’m pg again), I’ll put him/her in it much earlier in hopes I’ll get more use out of it.
I’m glad she’s growing well :)
The nights were always the hardest for me. I would DREAD the time after about 7 pm (it was winter when mine was young – born in Oct). I think it was because the sun really helps everyone’s mood. It really does.
Night + hormones + crying baby while you want to be sleeping = bad.
Thanks for sharing :) I love reading your blod.
blog**
In the immortal words of my mother? “This too shall pass.” It’s not easy, yo, even if it is textbook easy! :)
*hugs*
Oh..the late night crying bouts.Those are normal and soooo frustrating.
Your baby screams and screams no matter what you do,and in the end you just give up and sit at the edge of the bed,crying yourself….I think we´ve all been there and its one of those little things that you certainly wont miss once she grows out of that in a few months lol
All of my kids did that.They were fine until late in the afternoon (or night),then suddenly there was always 3 or 4 hours of solid screaming right out of the blue.I remember getting ot the point where I felt desperate..
What helped me was being able to walk away for a little bit kwim? If you could get DH to hold her for a while,so that you can just leave the room,collect your thoughts and calm down,you´ll feel alot better.The crying doesnt stop..I have no advice for that,so you just have to find ways to make it more tolerable until she doesnt do it anymore.
Usually,by the age of 2 to 3 months,they stop doing that.Our first pedi told us it was colic..but I dont know a single mother who hasnt been through this so I think its just one of those very difficult new born stages that *all* babies have kwim? It´ll pass ;)
Hi Nat,
From your post I thought you were saying *you* were crying, but from the comments I’m getting Kate was crying?
Fortunately for me, my son never went through that phase of crying inconsolably for ages — colic or whatever else you want to call it — but *I* did cry a lot in the early days. Sometimes I had a reason (however irrational) and other times I didn’t. I don’t remember it that well, but my husband was pretty shocked at times, even though he’d been warned by other dads. It will pass. It’s a totally normal reaction to a massive life-changing event, however happy that event may be. Also, don’t underestimate the power of sleep deprivation, especially in the long term.
Take care and keep enjoying that gorgeous girl of yours!
I just wanted to say that pacifiers are not bad. Go with what works with Kate. I have actually read that it is recommended that babies now sleep with pacifiers.
We had a boppy seat that had the same problem (chin way pushed down). I hated it and wished we’d gotten something better/different, but my son used it sparingly until about 2 months then suddenly he got bigger, fit in it better, and spent tons of awake time in it just checking things out. Also, it helped our cats get closer to him – they’d brush up against his feet, etc. So keep trying it for small periods; he finally outgrew it at 6 months when he’d try to flip himself out of it.
“From your post I thought you were saying *you* were crying, but from the comments I’m getting Kate was crying?”
Nope, you’re right… it was me having a meltdown, she was sleeping peacefully!
Meltdowns are good, especially for the lot of us with depression problems. It’s SO much better to let it out rather than sitting on it and pretending that everything is jolly. As said – it’s NOT easy, there is a LOT of sudden adjustment above and beyond what one can speculate about, and obviously, hormones… looooots of hormones. It doesn’t matter how wonderful and lovely and cute she is and how awesome life is, it’s just LOT at once, so sure, get the stress out. If you’re feeling overwhelmed though, talk to the docs, since they should know what to do!
Anyways, rooting for you, per norm. :)
Nat – You may have a touch of Sundowners Syndrome. It’s most associated with Alzheimer’s, but can present with any change in hormone/mood levels. It also seems to present in those with disrupted circadian rhythms, like say… someone with a brand new baby who doesn’t care that it’s night time now. We see the same issue in our emotionally unstable son, and the nurses at the hospital said it happens a lot, with all the kids there. Sometimes, just knowing that the night is what is causing the anxiety can help alleviate it. Hoping you come through it as quickly as possible. *hugs*
If the melt downs do not seem to pass to your liking, you might want to talk with your OB about it. If you have a good doc they will understand and not try to just suggest meds. In consideration of your past tragic events it sort of makes sense to me why you are having crying jags. I would too. I can’t imagine wondering how life would be if Devin were here to meet his sister. Does she resemble him at all?? Good luck getting through this phase. I love reading your blog.
I went thru the same thing with my daughter. It was weird, horrible and hard. Right around 7 o’clock the sun would start to set I would feel myself tense up and I would cry and cry. It went on for about 6 weeks, some nights were harder than others but it does get better with time.