Tears
I think the hormones have caught up to me. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks.
It’s not feeling overwhelmed. It’s not a loss of self. It’s not pain or frustration with breastfeeding. It’s actually kind of silly – or at least it seems like it to me – but it is what it is: I keep getting upset that time is moving forward. I have this desperate desire to capture every single thing about this time that I possibly can, whether it be in words, pictures, video, or some other way to soak it in and lock it in my memory banks. Every little face and squeak she makes is the most adorable thing I have ever seen. But, obviously, there is no possible way to capture everything. (And then when I try to do so, I start getting panicky that I’m spending time on my computer instead of holding her or watching her.) I worry that she’s already growing up, and as much as I look forward to finding out who she’s going to become I feel panicky at the thought of losing who she is now, if that makes any sense. I talk to some of my friends about how wonderful it is when they get older, too, to reassure myself.
I love waking up in the morning and watching her wake up. I love waking up, period, simply because I can return to this reality where she really is here. I’m pretty sure somewhere underneath there runs a current of fear and anxiety that this will somehow go away. I mean, I did it… I got through the pregnancy, I birthed her alive and well, we brought her home. But there are some moments in a day when I feel anxious because life feels too normal, too close to “before.” At times like those I just try to spend my time holding her to reassure myself that she’s still here, that life isn’t back to how it was before.
I look at her sleeping on my lap and just start bawling because she’s the most beautiful thing in the entire world. I love her so damn much it hurts. I hope she grows up knowing how very precious she is to us, how very far we came to get here, and that we would walk through hell for her.
Wow, can I just say that you have such an amazing way with words. You seem to be able to describe feelings and thoughts and emotions that no one else can.
I have never really had a desire to be pregnant and give birth. I want babies, desperately so, but I have never had a desire for them to come from my body. That is, until I started reading your blog. You described pregnancy so poignantly that I now want to be pregnant. The way you talked about her moving inside you, it’s like nothing I’ve ever read before.
And now this post just makes me teary eyed, because I can sit here and read and really know how you are feeling, and it makes me weepy for you.
So I just want to say thanks for being such an awesome writer. I am so happy that she is here and doing so well, and that you are enjoying her so much. I know you are sad she is getting older, but they really do get so much more fun. When my foster daughter was around 9 months old, she was amazing. Always laughing and making us laugh, it was an amazing time that I cherish to this day.
You are such a beautiful and amazing person!
I know exactly how you feel. I have adored all of Oscar’s ages and stages, but part of me really misses the first couple of months. I had so much pain, from a c-section and breastfeeding, and so much anxiety, that I didn’t really enjoy it.
You are doing the right thing by blogging! I cherish those early blog entries now. Plus, you write so beautifully, and Kate will love them when she gets older.
Ms Kate is a special child. I have no doubt she will grow up knowing all those things and I think she will grow up doubly blessed because there are so many people who know how much her mommy and daddy love her, wanted her and would do anything for her. And we love her too! You have a whole village behind you here! I read this, and I don’t want you to feel any sadness or anxiety that you can’t stop time but I also read this and see that you have fully stepped into the role you set out for so long ago.
Each moment you spend with your daughter is a gift that noone can ever take away. As she grows, so will you and on it goes……..you are doing a beautiful job documenting your feelings that you will one day share with Kate. Time will pass, but you will always cherish these moments. Breathe deep and soak it all in. I am so happy for you and your family !
Oh my gosh, I remember those days sooooo well!!!! I did that with my first child and I had never had a loss. But, at about 4 days old, the hormones just totally kicked in and I couldn’t do anything but look at her for fear of missing anything. I wanted to stop time, to literally just watch her sleep so that I didn’t miss the tiniest bit of who she was at that very moment. It was almost a fear but, for me, it was those hormones just kicking into overdrive. It only lasted a few days and then I started settling back into a groove and truly enjoyed all the new stages. Just wait until she laughs for the first time!!!!! It will be the best moment EVER!!!!!!!!!!
Aaahh … wonderful times. I’m so happy you’re experiencing this and really soaking up every second of it. I still cry sometimes because I can’t believe this beautiful child I have is actually mine.
And I definitely agree with Steph above, the first laugh is the best thing ever. I was sick with a killer flu, the husband was away on business, I had to work and deal with in-laws, and then … he laughed, and EVERYTHING was ok. Isn’t it amazing how they do that??
Go with the tears, they do you good, I think. Kind of cleansing and soothing sometimes. Enjoy!
“I’m pretty sure somewhere underneath there runs a current of fear and anxiety that this will somehow go away. I mean, I did it… I got through the pregnancy, I birthed her alive and well, we brought her home. But there are some moments in a day when I feel anxious because life feels too normal, too close to “before.” At times like those I just try to spend my time holding her to reassure myself that she’s still here, that life isn’t back to how it was before.”
I still feel like this sometimes. I think because we came so close to losing her – it really drilled in the ‘wow – anything could happen’ thing. I TOTALLY get what you are saying. I wish I could say that each day it gets a bit easier – but I know it took me a year to get over that feeling everyday. Hugs.
Just know – that you treasure your child more than a LOT of parents do and Kate will know it and you WILL remember all of the wonderfulness.
Hugs you.
Oh, do I remember feeling that way. I would look at the clock and think, “omg she is almost 24 hours old…ugh, now almost 36…oh, NO! she is a week old today..where were we at this time last week?”…you want to be with her every moment and yet you also want to rewind to the day b/f you had her. crazy, crazy. i still find myself always wanting a pause button. But after the first several months, that feeling subsided for me, for the most part. B/c as she starts growing out of the “blob” stage, as cute as it is, (and you’ll feel sad and it will be bittersweet), each day you will fall more and more in love with who she is becoming. Hard to believe, but true. And Natalie, queue the guilt. Get ready. You will constantly feel guilty for not being good enough (not spending enough time with her, not doing this enough or that enough, not being perfect, you may even feel guilty for not being grateful enough if you find yourself annoyed and having a hard day). You will have to learn to reconcile that guilt or it will eat you alive. And there have been many, many times when I have simply made myself step away from the computer for weeks at a time. And I always felt better when I did. The only thing I let myself do was keep up with the photos. I post them on shutterfly by weeks (and then later by months) for family to see (on a share site). But blogging, reading blogs, posting on forums, searching for answers on how to do this or that with the baby..it drove me crazy and elevated my anxiety. Of course, you may never experience what I did. But I’m here to tell you..you will feel any and every emotion over the next few months and I just want you to go easy on yourself. There is no thought or feeling that you have that others before you have not had. There is nothing that you “should” feel or “should not” feel. No one tells you this. All they seem to remember is the sweetness and light. They never remember the anxiety and the guilt. I don’t want to post something that seem so negative, but I find myself typing anyway. The weepiness you describe is totally normal and hormonal (“Baby blues”..80% of postpartum women have them). But if you do encounter it (and guilt and anxiety) for longer than a few weeks, my assvice is to see the doc. B/c she WILL grow up fast. You want to be able to enjoy it as much as possible.
Welcome to motherhood. That scared feeling never goes away. My son is 19, and I still worry all the time about losing him somehow. Your kids are your heart just walking around outside your body. It will get a little easier once this initial hormone rush is over, so hang in there. And you will eventually flip back the other direction to being excited about her growing and changing and doing new things. It’s just that right now she’s new and you’re hormonal! Those two equal tears and fears….it’s normal.
I mentioned this on MLW but I don’t find it unusual that you would feel time passing so quickly. You have spent years waiting and waiting with time dragging. Now your dream has come true. Life is moving quicker than it ever has for you because you have so much more to experience.
Yes yes yes. It all goes very fast. But each chapter is even better than the last. When she smiles, laughs, claps, eats strained peas, gets a tooth, walks, runs, loses a tooth, gives you a back rub out of sheer love and kindness(like my 6 year-old did this morning)…. It just keeps getting better. Take our word for it!
p.s.
My friend had a perfect baby girl and four days later she was a sobbing, weeping mess. “What’s wrong?” her husband asked her. My friend replied, gasping through sobs…”she’s going to get MARRIED!!!!!”
OMG Katie, that made me laugh out loud!
De-lurking a second time to say that Kate will always know how precious she is to you. And it’s true that with each new stage that she reaches, you’ll be a little sad because another stage has passed, but mostly you’ll be amazed at how much joy the next one brings. Just when you think it couldn’t possibly be any better, it is. It’s really magical.
Also, I know exactly what you mean about loving her so much. Not long after my daughter was born, in the throes of hormonal changes and worried about ridiculous things, I told my husband, “Honey, if a runaway bus was coming and I could save only one of you, please know that I love you very much and that I’d always miss you.” Fortunately, no runaway buses have forced me to make the choice, lol!