She’s here to stay
I just watched a show on TV about IVF and a surrogate pregnancy. It made me tear up for all the right reasons. It’s been quite a long time since the beginning of this journey and sometimes I forget – or at least gloss over in my head – all that we went through to get to this point. Watching the TV show talk about in vitro and how embryos are created in a petri dish… well, it’s pretty amazing. It was amazing when I was pregnant, and it’s even more amazing now that I have a child sleeping in my arms. How did we get from there to here? I am so thankful for technology, and so appreciative of my persistence in going through all of that so many times. But here we are, a tiny baby squeaking and smiling in her sleep.
It’s been nearly 3 weeks now and we’re settling into our roles. It feels far more normal now, much less crazy and surreal. Kate has moved in and become part of our lives. I am just so incredibly happy being the mama. In so many ways I haven’t changed, I was always the mama at heart… but now I have someone who needs me to take care of them. She’s happiest asleep in my arms, and I’m totally okay with that. I’m happiest when she’s asleep in my arms. I feel warmer, more solid. She anchors me.
I love that she is our child. I love that she looks so very much like her brother. We look at her and think, wow, we did that. We have no idea how our genes managed to create such a beautiful child. I waste a lot of time every day just staring at her. Which is totally not a waste, since she’s either nursing or sleeping, and what better way to spend my time but soaking her in? She’s not going to be this little for long.
I still haven’t gone anywhere with Kate without Den to help, but Sunday I have a baby shower to go to and it will be just us. I think it’ll go fine. Den is home from work still but some days he spends outside doing yardwork, and some evenings he plays baseball. It’s good for me to get used to taking care of her by myself, since in a few weeks it will be just me all day. It’s a less scary prospect than it was a week ago. I think I’m figuring her out – whar she likes and doesn’t like, what her patterns are, what her cries mean. It’s very rewarding to say things like, “Oh, she’s crying because she’s tired, she’ll be asleep in 2 minutes,” and then she falls right to sleep.
I am glad that Den is able to stay home until we get her sleeping figured out… I’d hate to be the only caretaker all day after getting no sleep all night. At least right now I can hand her over after a feeding and take a nap (at least until she gets hungry). But we’re getting there. She still won’t sleep laying flat, but will sleep in the papasan chair – however it’s not a good, solid sleep, she rouses a lot and wakes up sooner than she should/would. So after the first night feed she’s been spending most of the night cuddled up to me because I really don’t want to waste half my sleep time trying to coax her to fall back asleep in her chair. We all need the sleep and are much happier for it. Den’s been doing the night diaper changes, though… I’ll definitely miss that when he goes back to work!
So glad you are enjoying every moment of your beautiful child. Loss brings a gratefulness that I did not have with my first two children. I have definitely had a different perspective with my child I had after much time and effort and loss.Enjoy every moment because unfortunately time ticks so quickly. Glad you have your Kate.
I noticed your comment about belly time on twitter, and I have to say – none of my friends who have had babies recently report having a child that wants to be on their stomach. I know Leah isn’t uber-fond of it either, though now that she’s nearing half a year (what?! gah!!), she’s a bit more tolerant of it.
Anyways, glad to hear that things are settling in well, and lots of love to all three of you.
Your blog posts ring so true to how I feel and have felt so often. It’s crazy! Too bad we don’t live nearer. We could have a support group. ;)
Just know that you are all normal with the bfing difficulties, the anxiety.. all of it. xo (And though it doesn’t help much now it really really does get a lot easier)
COngratulations natalie!!! im so very happy for you and Dennis that you have your kate home and in your arms and that you are figuring out all this mummy/feeding/sleeping crying business together! it really is a blessing to have that extra pair of hands around to help. i found your blog while we were TTC, and my heart broke for you when i read about your beautiful little boy. My girl Ella entered the world 10 weeks early after a placental abruption that nearly killed her and me (she was due june 1st so we were nearly due date buddies). She needed to stay in NICU for 7 weeks (we were temporarily living in a city 700km away from home) and had heart surgery at only 3 weeks of age. During those horrible days, and times when we thought she might not make it, i thought about you, and about Devin. I thought about just how amazing it is how much the heart can bear, and how incredibly lucky i was for any time with my sweet girl. Now we’ve been at home for 4 weeks, and are also figuring out the sleeping/feeding/parenting cycle. thank you so much for your words. its funny to feel like you are on a journey with a friend you have never met on the other side of the world!!!
anyway, congratulations again on your beautiful kate, she is amazing, and such a lucky girl to have such caring loving parents. enjoy your mama journey, from one mama to another, big hugs, Darla, Rockhampton, Australia.
I always say that the one positive and lasting legacy of the horrific struggles we had before our kids made it to the world is the increased joyousness and appreciatiation that is born through the trying times. I hope it lasts for you b/c truly- she is a miracle in every sense of the word and as a parent, it only enhances our own happiness to be constantly aware of that.
Also, fwiw if you haven’t already read “The Happiest Baby on the BLock”, it’s a must. It’s such a short read and the techniques he discusses were invaluable to us during this “4th trimester” phase…
so very well said. I would love to meet some time for coffee- with our two babies, if you are ever up to it.