I thought I was ready for the inevitable with this cycle.

I thought I knew what was going to happen.

However I did NOT anticipate finding bright red blood at 10 days past retrieval.

It caught me so off-guard, I just sat there and stared trying to figure out what I was looking at. The last thing I’ve been looking for is bleeding. Last cycle I didn’t start bleeding until two days after I stopped the progesterone.

I am angry and confused. I am PISSED OFF. What the fuck is this? I didn’t miss a single progesterone suppository. I haven’t been setting my clock by them, but I’ve been taking them three times a day at the same general time every day (when I get up, around 3pm, and before bed). So what the hell is going on now?

And as much I was expecting a negative beta, my first thought was, “If there was anything there before, there isn’t now.” My body just hit the flush button. And I am irrationally angry at it (as if it is some seperate entity or something). I feel betrayed.

I think IVF#2 is henceforth to be known as “To hell in a handbasket and losing my grip,” because that’s exactly how I feel. I’m fucking done with this shit.

Disclaimer: I know I don’t really have to write this, but I feel obligated to. Anything in this post is not meant to make anyone feel bad. You do not have to feel guilty about what happens in your life or what you write in your blog. To be perfectly honest the blogs/forums I can’t handle right now I’m taking a break from and I’ll return later when I can. I expect people do the same with my blog.

First of all, I’m feeling tremendously stressed out right now. My parents are here and I am trying to give them as much of my time as I can. I have really seriously missed them – it’s been a year since I saw them last – and having them here is truly more important than anything else right now. We are having a fabulous time playing stupid board games in the evening, and I know moments like that I will remember far longer than the stress over projects I have to complete for work.

However, the time I spend with them is time not spent working on the projects. I have several deadlines looming and I’m really starting to freak out. (Starting?) Why is it that taking time off only results in more stress? I am still working while my parents are here – I did take some time off with one of my clients, but I still have a part-time job and other projects that can not be put on hold. Life marches on. I’m doing my best to stay in control of my time, my projects, and my anxiety. I’m not so certain who is winning right now. This has been about the worst f$%@ing time to do an IVF cycle, I tell you what… if stress is bad for IVF success I just drove a nail in the coffin.

I don’t even have the time to read the new Harry Potter book. It’s nearly killing me.

We will be taking a break from fertility treatments for a least a couple of months after this. The crazy IVF schedule along with the emotional impact of bad news is only adding to the pile.

Today I called my current RE and booked an appointment to sit down with her and go over the last two cycles and what the hell happened. The earliest appointment I could get was September 7. I know August is just around the corner (holy fuck), but that just sounds so far away. I’ll be 25 when that appointment rolls around. I was 23 when we started this damn TTC journey. (I was young, remember. I’d be pregnant in no time.)

I also called the other clinic that is close to us. (I’m going to have to come up with a name with it. But I can’t think tonight.) I explained that we’re looking for a second opinion, that we’ve done two cycles of IVF. She said firstly that the doctors are currently booking appointments for the end of September/beginning of October. Secondly she said that normally IVF patients must take an IVF course beforehand, but she took my name and number and is going to ask the doctor(s) tomorrow if we can be exempt from that due to our previous experience. (Yes, thanks, I know what IVF is and what it consists of and all the risks, such as OHSS which I had a mild form of and even the very rare don’t-even-have-to-worry-about-it very poor fertilization. Well aquainted. Skip to level 3, thanks.)

When I told Den about the wait times he said, “Good, we need some time off.” Not exactly the thought that was going through my head. Yes, there is a [sometimes large] part of me that wants/needs time off from all of this shit. But there’s another equally large part of me that hate sitting on my hands, hates wasting time, and wants to just keep pushing at it until something works. I know that’s not how it usually goes. Hell, as a programmer I am well versed in the skill of walking away and coming back later to find a solution. But it seems so long. Waiting until October to even see a doctor? We won’t be cycling until November/December. Which we can’t even do, as we’re going to be away over Christmas. We can’t be stimming until January. Maybe the wait will be really good for me. But it’s freaking July! I won’t stim until January?! I guess we can hope that things move quickly and we get everything started in October, with stimming in November. Maybe. But that will take a lot of ducks aligning.

I’m definitely feeling like I’m heading into Very Cranky IVF Veteran territory. I’m not quite there yet, but if this fail is a confirmed failure I think I’ll cross the “line”. I’m not exactly happy about it. I feel completely shitty. But lately I’ve found myself reading about others’ IVF cycles and feeling terribly envious because they actually had 9, or 6, or even 4 embryos. Two months ago I would have cried had I gotten “only” 4 embryos. Now I can only imagine me crying with tears of joy and thanks at having that many. I feel so damn angry and upset that even in freaking IVF we get the crappy end of the stick. 1 embryo? With ICSI? What are the fucking odds? How is that even close to fair? I feel so let down and so heartbroken. How can we get two such horrible results in a row? We believed that #2 would be different. And somehow we managed to be worse.

And I don’t even have time to mourn. Which is why the time off is a good thing. We were on vacation when we got the bad news, and we didn’t want to let it spoil our anniversary. Now my parents are here. I have a ton of projects that need to get done. And I feel like if I broke down and cried now I don’t know when I’d stop. I know at some point in here I’m going to have to let it all out. But I don’t know how I’m going to feel better about all of this until I’m pregnant. It’s only going to get harder from here on out. We’re going to have to deal with insurance/money issues, changing to a new clinic, now dealing with an egg issue which could lead to more crap-ass low fertilization cycles, and in the meantime more friends – infertile and otherwise – getting pregnant.

When I stop and think about it all, the work stress seems almost preferable. (Though I could lower the dosage a little bit… I like being kept busy, but this over-the-top stress needs to get lost.)

And if it isn’t completely obvious, I have no hope in this cycle. I’m mid 2ww, I should have SOME kind of hope. I tested this morning, 9dpo, a negative as expected. I’ll test again in two days for another negative. I’m just counting down to the inevitable.

My parents are still here and I came to bed early to type on my laptop and watch a DVR’d show. I have been using my desktop in the living room without feeling much guilt, but I find it really hard to sit down and write there, with everyone walking by and everything.

My boobs are sore. Tender all over, and super sensitive nipples. It’s real fun.

You know, there are problems when you take 2 hours to write a simple post and you can’t remember what you wrote about last time. I keep getting sidetracked with other things online. Can I blame this on the progesterone? (My hubby would give an emphatic, “NO!” )

I’ve started reading up on the clinic that is an hour away (though Den tells me that Google Maps lies – or that he speeds, one or the other – and that it is more like 45 minutes away, so that is certainly reasonable. We’re already driving a half-hour to our current clinic.) Their website has a ton of info on it, which I like. The doctors have a whole lot of awards and things in their write-ups… which could mean nothing, but it did catch my eye. They do appear to have a very extensive clinic, with “satellites” in two other locations (which are further away from us). They do nearly three times the IVF cycles that my current clinic does – or at least they did in 2005, according to the SART data. They have a very respectable success rate, though of course with our issue being “unusual” who knows where we fall in that continuum.

Den voiced his opinion that we should wait to even make an appointment with the new clinic until we get the outcome of this cycle and have a talk with our current RE. I want to make the appointment now. I mean, first off, as a new patient we’d probably have to wait a while to get in to see someone. And secondly, when/if we do get a negative beta I will want a second opinion, regardless of what our doctor has to say. I really cannot see her turning this completely around. Placating me slightly, fine – but I really don’t think she can undo two failed IVF cycles. I will want a second opinion. And in order to get a second opinion all my records need to be faxed over to the new clinic and I need to complete all these health questionaire forms, which take yet more time. So, come monday, I’m going to make an appointment with our current doctor (for after my beta) and then book a future appointment with this new one.

I do plan on taking a break after this one. Not sure for how long, but a cycle or two at least. Although I’m already feeling the urge to “hurry up and cycle again” when this one fails. I freaking hate sitting around on my ass. But I think it’s time to focus on some other priorities, like getting caught-up at work, and to give myself an emotional break and time to heal. And in that time we’ll learn some more and find out where we want to go and when.

I realized today that it’s Saturday, the new week is already starting. I’m just trying my best to forget about how it’s been a week already since retrieval. I don’t want to start testing until wednesday at the soonest. So la la la I’m not paying attention.

Right now (especially after reading A Little Pregnant – I told you I was sidetracking all over hell today) I’m thinking about records. There’s a handy little sheet that I can fill out that gives the 2nd opinion clinic permission to obtain my records from my current clinic. But I’m thinking, you know, I want to see those damn records. I want to see what was written in them. I want to see what I was and am friggin diagnosed with. I know it’s gone from unexplained to [maybe] endometriosis to poor fertilization to what-the-fuck-happened-there. But I want to see what they wrote. What category are they trying to cram me in now? I have in my files some of my original records from my obgyn when I needed to give them to the RE. They’re only a few sheets of blood test results, but I liked reading them for myself. I like having those numbers, having that confirmation. I really seriously dislike feeling “out of the loop.” I hate it when a doctor calls you and says, “Oh, that test result was absolutely fine.” Was it really fine? Was it borderline fine? Was it not-fine and your clinic misinterpreted it? In a perfect world you could trust exactly what your doctor says and never have to worry about it – and hell, maybe a lot of other people feel much more comfortable doing that anyways. I am not one of them.

So what I’m trying to say in a very wordy and uncessary way is that I want to get my grubby little hands on a copy of my records and photocopy everything for my own files. They’re my records, damnit.

And with that charming thought, I am going to bed. My parents are running me ragged with all this “sightseeing” stuff. And I think a bug bit me. It itches. *twitch*

MSNBC recently had an article on the overuse of ICSI. It even mentioned that, “sperm-injection rates were higher in three states — Illinois, Massachusetts and Rhode Island — that mandate coverage of the technique.” We are, obviously, in Massachusetts. I’m not so about some of the article – such as the higher risk of birth defects with ICSI… I haven’t seen research to indicate that, but then again I haven’t really looked up much to do with ICSI.

But it just makes me wonder. They pushed for a 3-day transfer even though we wanted a 5-day and were fully aware and accepting of the risks. Was it out of concern for us? They told us ICSI would solve our problem, even though it is obvious from past records that it would not. Was that a simple oversight? I really don’t know anymore. I want to believe the best in people, and up until this point I was pretty successful in just believing that the doctors would get me pregnant and knew what was best for me.

But what do you do when that faith gets totally shaken? Even if it was a totally innocent mistake, that’s still a damn big mistake. And how do we know that something similar won’t happen again?

So I’m pretty sure I’m going to at least have a consult with a different clinic to get their take on it and feel it out. Only problem is I don’t think I can do that until we have some form of supplimental insurance to cover it. Well, we could do it now – we’d just get billed the full amount, which is something I’d like to avoid if possible. I’m not going to enroll for any other insurance until we get the result of this cycle – even though I’m fairly positive it’s not going to work I would hate to spend hundreds of dollars on insurance and find out in a week I won’t need it. Den can’t switch his insurance at work until November (open season for insurance), so we either have to wait until November (and hope that one of the other options covers infertility under MA rules – which is NOT a given, because it is the government after all), or enroll me in a supplimental insurance. All before we can have a consult. Bleh. When did things get so complicated? I don’t know how you people in other states handle going through IVF emotionally and physically and worrying about the financial aspect. It’s just too much for one person!

And I do still intend to have a follow-up talk with our current doctor to hear what she has to say about all of this. If she waves it off and makes some kind of lame, general “we’ll get you pregnant!” assurance I’m not going to be happy. (That’s what they did at transfer. Now that could have been because they didn’t want me upset during transfer, or it could be an indication that they are not going to take this as serious as they should.) I do get the very strong feeling that, as a Massachusetts clinic where the vast majority of their patients are covered under unlimited insurance (or is it 3-6 tries? I am not sure) that they really do NOT pay attention to limits as much as they ought to. I really got that feeling about our second cycle… they very much had the attitude of, “Oh well, next time we’ll try something different.” We had to keep reminding them that our insurance only covers two attempts. And I really think a clinic in a different state would have had a much better attention to that.

In any case, nothing much I can do for a week or more. My parents are here visiting and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I have so much fun showing them around, watching them play with our dogs and cats, going out to eat with them. I really miss having them around. And I think the timing was impeccable, because almost all of my 2 week wait is being taken up by their visit. I don’t have time to sit and mope… I’m far too busy trying to figure out how to get my work done and still spend as much time as possible with my parents!

This time I am not going to wait until beta day to test. So sometime next week I’ll start testing every day or every other day. I figure a negative every day will help me deal with the disappointment a little at a time rather than all at once.

Symptom-wise I have everything I had last time, thanks to the HCG trigger and progesterone. Boobs are sore, mainly. It’s irritating, since I know it means nothing. And I still hate those estrogen patches. I’ve always hated bandaids.

It is time for bed here, but I wanted to post and let everyone know how very much I appreciate your comments and support. You are all just so wonderful. It’s good to know I have so many people backing us, and feeling outraged on our behalf.

I’m feeling very emotionally unstable lately. Our trip to Boston really was wonderful for the most part, but there were some hours where we’d just walk randomly around, not even knowing where we were going, as I ranted outloud about the whole damn situation. Den’s a good listener. And he did a little bit of ranting too.

I am just feeling so… well, disappointed doesn’t even come close to the emotional black hole I’m feeling… about how poorly this cycle went. Last cycle was a total shock but we thought we finally had the diagnosis and the answer. What do you do when the answer is wrong? How do you handle that? Last time we consoled ourself with, “Well next time we’ll do ICSI and it will all be okay.” That was my mantra. At least we have ICSI. So what now? What happens when your miracle cure turns out to not fix anything at all? I am panicked. I am lost. I don’t have the answer to this one, and neither do they. If we do manage to somehow get supplimental insurance to cover more IVF tries, or we take out a second mortage or whatever, all we’re looking at is trying random things to see if they can increase our odds. There is no “this will fix it”.

And not only that, but quite frankly my trust in the clinic is shot. They let us down in a very major way, and no matter what “fix” they propose, what change in our protocol, I’m going to be constantly second-guessing. I was doing so well with just relaxing about it all and trusting in the doctor to do her job. I am always a self-advocate and always questioning, but I never imagined this.

So now I’m looking up other clinics. The next closest one, according to SART, is 29 miles away – that’s over an hour drive. And that’s the only one. Beyond that there are 3 at an hour and a half. I don’t know how we could pull any of them off, to be honest. I guess one hour isn’t too too bad, but driving in for monitoring would pretty much shoot my entire day to hell. And with only one vehicle… I have no idea how we could manage it. No idea. It really sucks that we have so few choices here.

Another option is switching doctors at the clinic we go to – there are 4 RE’s, one of whom runs the place (and I’m not sure he actually takes in patients). But then you’re still dealing with the same clinic, and the added guilt of switching doctors.

But before we can do any of that we need to have a discussion with our current RE and somehow find a way to afford another cycle. It was mentioned to me that I could get my own insurance through massachusetts – which is a mandated state. (Connecticut, where our current insurance is located, is also a mandated state but they allow limits placed on it, which is what we’ve run into.) Now this supplimental insurance could run us as high as $600 a month, but that’s still cheaper than $12,000 for a fresh cycle. And with my business bringing in a little bit of cash right now I could possibly afford to pay it.

Anyways, I guess that’s all something to worry about another day. I will be making the appointment with the RE (hopefully they can code it as a “follow-up”) so we can sit down and get some freaking answers. An apology. Hell, maybe they’ll actually surprize us and give us a discounted or free cycle. (Somehow we doubt that.)

I will be writing up a post about our Boston trip for my other blog, plus uploading and sorting through the hundreds of photos I took while there (I am not exaggerating – I took well over 300 photos), but that will have to wait until who-knows-when. I have to work tomorrow to get caught up, then do some grocery shopping and pick up a few necessities like extra pillows for my parents, who are arriving tomorrow evening at the nearby airport. I’m really excited to see them, and am hoping that spending time with them will help me put all of this out of my mind.

Thanks to Kel for posting my quick text message… of course after going to all that work to set up posting from my cell phone it was returned as undeliverable. (Talk about adding insult to injury, I’m sitting in the car, thoroughly upset, tapping away at the phone for a good 15 minutes and it won’t send it.)

So yes, the initial phone call was from the doctor herself giving us the news that of my 13 eggs retrieved, only 1 of them was mature. She asked me questions about the HCG injection I took to confirm that I did it correctly (I did). She said it was “very unusual” for this to happen and it sounded to me as if she just didn’t understand it and thought that something went wrong. Den immediately blamed the change in dosage – this cycle they dropped from a starting dose of 150iu of Follistim (in cycle 1) to 125iu this cycle. He was uncomfortable with the change from the start, though I was not. I understood that last time I stimmed quickly and coasted at the end, and this time they wanted to avoid that and the (mild) OHSS I had last time.

Den and I talked it over – well, talked and then sat in silence for a good 10 or 15 minutes, just feeling the weight of failure and disappointment… dealing with the fact that there would be no 5-day transfer, there would be no FETs, there would be no second chances. On the phone the doctor mentioned “next time”. I was too stunned into silence about the whole thing to yell “there won’t BE a next time, you IDIOT!” They really did NOT seem to grip the full reality of our insurance situation – two IVF cycles. That’s it. We will now be facing some very serious financial considerations if we want to do it again.

Then I started wondering about last cycle. I put in a call to the nurses and asked them what my egg maturity rate was last cycle – that at least would tell us if it was something specific to this cycle, something we changed or did wrong this cycle that caused this. I got a call back the next morning with my answer, and the answer made me very, very angry. Last cycle I had 24 eggs retrieved. Of those 24 only 4 were mature, and two of those were “dead”. We had 2 alive, mature eggs, and BOTH of them fertilized without ICSI, and made it to transfer.

Why were we not informed of this last time? Why was this NOT taken into consideration when deciding our protocol for the second cycle? Someone fucked up, that’s the only conclusion I can reach here. They erroniously assumed that a fertilization rate of 2/24 was due to the sperm not penetrating the egg, when in actuality it was because the overwhelming majority of my eggs were immature to start with and never even had a chance. Furthermore, 100% of the available eggs successfully fertilized! If we had done ICSI last cycle it would not have changed the outcome!

So WHY in god’s name did they think ICSI would change our situation this time? In fact, by knowingly reducing the number of eggs available in total they reduced the number of mature eggs as well. Basically, they did exactly the wrong thing. They made our situation WORSE, instead of better. We know nothing more than we did last time, and we really didn’t stand a chance. And this entire cycle failure could have been prevented had they simply looked at the egg maturity rate of last cycle – data which they obviously have on-hand, since the nurse was able to retrieve it for me without a problem.

We feel like we just got cheated out of an entire fucking cycle. Our LAST fucking cycle. It was nearly a complete bust, and it was a preventable situation. Now maybe it could not have been “fixed” – I don’t think they really know what to do. But they could have done SOMETHING. They could have increased my menopur, or stimmed slower, or done more ultrasounds, or triggered differently. Who knows what they could have done, but they could have done something, ANYTHING, aimed to mature my eggs. They did no such thing.

So Den and I are far past feeling upset and disappointed… we are angry – very, very angry. I took two valium when I got to the transfer, which I think helped me just push it all out of my head and chat with the nurses (I don’t blame the nurses, or the U/S tech – well, not really) and try to just meditate and remain calm through the transfer. Den on the other hand sat on his stool with his arms crossed, glowering and not talking to anyone. He told me later that he’s feeling so angry he found it extremely difficult to be civil to anyone. He made a few snappish comments in response to comments made by the nurse – such as, when one of the nurses said something about, “Next time….” Den retorted with, “We won’t have to worry about that for a long, long time.” I don’t blame him. I did wish he could have mellowed out in order to help me mellow out, but instead I just held his hand and focussed on myself. He’s perfectly valid in feeling the way he does.

We did really push for a 5-day transfer. Den and I talked about it and our feeling is that we’d rather have the embryo arrest in a petri dish and end our misery early, rather than transferring it earlier and then living in this horrible state of limbo for nearly 2 weeks, only to have it fail anyways just like last time. I know that this is in large part influenced by last cycle, how we had 2 good embryos and far too much hope, and we were completely crushed when it didn’t work. We don’t want to go through that again. There were parts during Sunday when I didn’t even want to have a transfer. I just wanted to walk away.

And to be fair the nurse and the doctor did discuss it and even talked to the embryologists, but everyone agreed that a 3-day would give us the best chance of pregnancy… that some embryos don’t do well in a petri dish, but would do better in the uterus. I know other IVF labs around the country are doing 5-day transfers no matter how many embryos there are, but our lab uses 5-day to weed some out to hopefully pick out the “best candidate”. Since we only had one candidate, to them there was no benefit to going to 5-day.

We obviously did end up leaving Boston at 8:30am this morning and driving all the way back here to the IVF lab and having our transfer. The good news – the one little bit of good news through all of this clusterfuck – is that our one little embryo developed into a very high-grade 8-cell and they said it is “compacting”, which is the precursor to becoming a blast.

Not that we are holding out a whole lot of good feelings and hope about it. Last time we had one 8-cell high-grade embryo and it flunked the implantation test.

We still need to decide on a name for the embryo. Den suggested “Han [Solo]” but I want something a little more…. meaningful and reflective of the anger and disaster.

Kel here… Got this text message from Nat this morning, she asked me to post it for her.

This is completely unbelievable. Out of 13 eggs, only one was mature. It was ICSI’d. We have one embryo. Transfer will be Tuesday.

Well I’m not feeling as good as I had hoped. I had a bit of cramping this morning though nothing much to complain about. When we got home I felt good. Then I had a nap. I woke up with a sore stomach… I feel very bloated. I had to pee really bad, that didn’t help – it was almost painful.

So for the rest of the day I’ve discovered that standing/walking isn’t too comfortable, but laying/sitting down is fine. I feel very tender inside. Very tender. I also have felt a little aching down lower, from what I can only imagine is where they went in? I just had to go to the bathroom (not to pee…) and oh BOY did that hurt. I don’t know what happened, but for a few seconds there was lots of pain down below and I was sucking in my breath. Then I was fine. Weird, weird.

Den’s been pretty good today. Very good, actually. When I woke up from my nap I found that our breezeway – a previous disaster zone – had been in large part cleared out. I was happy, since I’d been asking him to move the big cupboards for quite some time. Then he turned me and pointed and I saw… a clean litter box!! I was downright SHOCKED. Den has never, ever cleaned the litter box before, not once! He says he’ll do it when I’m pregnant, but not before… and here he goes and does it today! It was very sweet of him. :)

We’ve been sort of cleaning/packing today. Since I’m not up to much moving around I stationed myself on the bed and went through all the dirty laundry. We picked out the clothes we want to pack, then Den wrapped the bottom of our (still leaking) washer with dirty towels and did one load of laundry. It went fine, I suppose. The towels soaked up most of the leakage. And we have clean clothes now, which is really exciting for us at this stage.

After they were all dry I made up several outfits (you know… skirts, shirt that match, socks that sort-of match) and packed them all into my backpack. It’s going to be interesting, since we’re leaving tomorrow morning, we’re driving most of the way in and then taking public transit. And I don’t think check-in is until 4:00pm with our hotel. So we plan to be tourists and just walk around and see stuff for a while… which means any luggage has to be pretty light and fit in my backpack. Except my camera, I’m going to be carrying my big camera around the entire time.

Den’s actually going out tonight, to see his brother’s band play. I declined to go with him. ;) I think I’d be in pain if I stood for more than 15 minutes…. and I am certainly not up to dancing. I’m capable of fending for myself here with the dogs. I’m just really hoping I’ll be in better shape tomorrow, or it’s going to be a really rough vacation for me!

Anyways I had better take care of a few more business things tonight while I have time. I did manage to get this blog set up to post from my cell phone so I’ll post a short message when I get my fertilization results tomorrow.

We’re back from our very-early-morning retrieval. We had to get there at 6:30am, for a 7:30 retrieval. The nurse went through all the paperwork and questions, we joked around for a bit.

I told her about my previous IV horrors. She said she’d check out my veins and if she thought they were going to be hard she’d leave it for the anesthesiologist. So she checked my left hand and I showed her where they did it last time. She decided to use the smallest needle and no lidocaine… it hurt going in, but hot damn she got it on the first try. Thank you! I still hate IVs, and they make me feel like I can’t move my hand at all (when I move my hand I can feel it a little and it creeps me out), but this one was the best I’ve had.

Then it was only quarter to 7 and we ended up just sitting there for over half an hour. Den was barely awake and kept asking me why we came in so early?

The anesthesiologist didn’t show up until 7:25. He introduced himself, took the paperwork from my file that he needed, asked me if I had any problems with anesthesia, checked to make sure I had an IV, then left to get ready.

As the clock ticked past 7:30 with no Dr I started getting panicked and running all these scenarios in my head. What if she didn’t show up? What if she was really late? My retrieval would be totally screwed. Den saw the panic in my eyes and told me to try to relax. (I tried.)

Finally the Doctor showed up at about 7:32. The anesthesiologist came over and put something in my IV. Nothing happened at first. They wheeled me down the hall to the OR and I started feeling a little light-headed… that fun drunk “everything is so cool” feeling. They got me onto the bed/table in the OR, had me lay down just so, put an oxygen mask on my face. I remember all that happening, but it was pretty dream-like. Then I happily succumbed to the anesthesia. (I was looking forward to that all day. For someone who deals with anxiety like I do, being loopy and knocked out is just fabulous.)

I woke up slowly. I didn’t want to wake up. I remember opening my eyes and looking around, then closing them and trying to go back to sleep. I was so comfortable there, so tired, so happy to still be woozy. I heard my husband comment that I was coming out of it a lot slower than last time. (I bet that was mostly because I didn’t want to wake up.) Then Den started whining at me. He was tired and he wanted to go home. Hurry up Nat, wake up. I tried going back to sleep anyways, even though I was feeling more “with it”.

My doctor came in, I think, reassured me that ICSI this time will make a big difference and that the embryologist would be in to let us know how many eggs they got.

The embryologist told us we got 13 eggs. I know both Den and I felt this wave of disappointment. Last time they got 24 eggs. They dropped my dose down slightly to prevent the OHSS I had last time, but I had the same number of follicles this time as last time. I guess they weren’t all useful.

I’m pretty disappointed… and worried. I keep telling myself that ICSI will make a huge difference. But really, how many embryos can we expect from 13 eggs? How many will survive? We might be looking at yet another 3 day transfer and that just makes me so upset. I want a 5-day goddamnit. And we needed a ton of embryos to freeze for backups.

I guess we just hold our breath until tomorrow’s fertilization report. That will really tell us where we stand.

Anyways, after that news the nurse got me crackers and tea, both of which were very good. Den was getting progressively more whiny and impatient and it was starting to irritate me. The nurse helped me into the bathroom so I could pee. I had some red spotting, which she said was completely normal. She then removed the IV and said I could get dressed and go.

The way home I was talking about this and that, mentioned breakfast (I was hungry). Den, already whiny and tired, was getting annoyed with what seemed like every other driver on the road (which isn’t entirely unusual with him). When I asked what he wanted for breakfast he snapped, “I want to SLEEP, Natalie. I just want to go to bed!” So we didn’t stop for breakfast. Now I was irritated. I mean, seriously, I’m the one who just had surgery, and he’s all freaking cranky? I wanted to smack him. and I guess he realized it because when we got home he cooked me breakfast (eggs). Now he’s asleep and I’m heading there myself.

I’m really glad we’re going away for a few days. I just need a break, I need to get away. I want to enjoy myself and not sit around and wonder and worry how everything’s going to turn out. I’m also really glad my parents are arriving on wednesday. That will be a great distraction for the 2ww.

I’m not going to be bringing my laptop with us to Boston. I really do honestly need a break from work and everything. I’m taking my camera, so expect a ton of photos, but unfortunately I’ll have no way of updating everyone on our fertilization and transfer date until we return tuesday evening. I’m going to try to set up a post-by-text message function so I can send a quick text, but I don’t know if it’ll work.

The other day I was standing in our yard letting my dog do her business, and I was staring down at my stomach. It’s… large. I was still standing there staring when Den came out with his dog.

“Do I look three months pregnant?” I asked. “Or four?”

“Oh shush you. It’s bad posture.”

“Honey, it doesn’t matter how I stand.”

“Stop it.”

I stood to the side to show him, and patted my large belly.

A pause. “Three months.”

To say I’m bloated right now is only skimming the surface. And unfortunately for me, my injection sites are a little sore as well. I am really loving skirts right now. Jeans with a belt are the absolute worst, and my tight-waist-band work sweats aren’t doing me many favors either.

::

I feel sick this morning. Last night Den and I were in the kitchen getting some food to eat and I kept having these chest pains… it started in my stomach and went right up into my chest. I’d make a face and stop what I was doing, and then just like that it’d be gone… until a couple minutes later when I’d have another one. This morning I just have a very upset stomach. (And a twinged tendon/muscle in my foot, but that is totally unrelated.)

Plus I’m really horny. And we can’t have sex. Thanks, trigger shot.