Disclaimer: I know I don’t really have to write this, but I feel obligated to. Anything in this post is not meant to make anyone feel bad. You do not have to feel guilty about what happens in your life or what you write in your blog. To be perfectly honest the blogs/forums I can’t handle right now I’m taking a break from and I’ll return later when I can. I expect people do the same with my blog.

First of all, I’m feeling tremendously stressed out right now. My parents are here and I am trying to give them as much of my time as I can. I have really seriously missed them – it’s been a year since I saw them last – and having them here is truly more important than anything else right now. We are having a fabulous time playing stupid board games in the evening, and I know moments like that I will remember far longer than the stress over projects I have to complete for work.

However, the time I spend with them is time not spent working on the projects. I have several deadlines looming and I’m really starting to freak out. (Starting?) Why is it that taking time off only results in more stress? I am still working while my parents are here – I did take some time off with one of my clients, but I still have a part-time job and other projects that can not be put on hold. Life marches on. I’m doing my best to stay in control of my time, my projects, and my anxiety. I’m not so certain who is winning right now. This has been about the worst f$%@ing time to do an IVF cycle, I tell you what… if stress is bad for IVF success I just drove a nail in the coffin.

I don’t even have the time to read the new Harry Potter book. It’s nearly killing me.

We will be taking a break from fertility treatments for a least a couple of months after this. The crazy IVF schedule along with the emotional impact of bad news is only adding to the pile.

Today I called my current RE and booked an appointment to sit down with her and go over the last two cycles and what the hell happened. The earliest appointment I could get was September 7. I know August is just around the corner (holy fuck), but that just sounds so far away. I’ll be 25 when that appointment rolls around. I was 23 when we started this damn TTC journey. (I was young, remember. I’d be pregnant in no time.)

I also called the other clinic that is close to us. (I’m going to have to come up with a name with it. But I can’t think tonight.) I explained that we’re looking for a second opinion, that we’ve done two cycles of IVF. She said firstly that the doctors are currently booking appointments for the end of September/beginning of October. Secondly she said that normally IVF patients must take an IVF course beforehand, but she took my name and number and is going to ask the doctor(s) tomorrow if we can be exempt from that due to our previous experience. (Yes, thanks, I know what IVF is and what it consists of and all the risks, such as OHSS which I had a mild form of and even the very rare don’t-even-have-to-worry-about-it very poor fertilization. Well aquainted. Skip to level 3, thanks.)

When I told Den about the wait times he said, “Good, we need some time off.” Not exactly the thought that was going through my head. Yes, there is a [sometimes large] part of me that wants/needs time off from all of this shit. But there’s another equally large part of me that hate sitting on my hands, hates wasting time, and wants to just keep pushing at it until something works. I know that’s not how it usually goes. Hell, as a programmer I am well versed in the skill of walking away and coming back later to find a solution. But it seems so long. Waiting until October to even see a doctor? We won’t be cycling until November/December. Which we can’t even do, as we’re going to be away over Christmas. We can’t be stimming until January. Maybe the wait will be really good for me. But it’s freaking July! I won’t stim until January?! I guess we can hope that things move quickly and we get everything started in October, with stimming in November. Maybe. But that will take a lot of ducks aligning.

I’m definitely feeling like I’m heading into Very Cranky IVF Veteran territory. I’m not quite there yet, but if this fail is a confirmed failure I think I’ll cross the “line”. I’m not exactly happy about it. I feel completely shitty. But lately I’ve found myself reading about others’ IVF cycles and feeling terribly envious because they actually had 9, or 6, or even 4 embryos. Two months ago I would have cried had I gotten “only” 4 embryos. Now I can only imagine me crying with tears of joy and thanks at having that many. I feel so damn angry and upset that even in freaking IVF we get the crappy end of the stick. 1 embryo? With ICSI? What are the fucking odds? How is that even close to fair? I feel so let down and so heartbroken. How can we get two such horrible results in a row? We believed that #2 would be different. And somehow we managed to be worse.

And I don’t even have time to mourn. Which is why the time off is a good thing. We were on vacation when we got the bad news, and we didn’t want to let it spoil our anniversary. Now my parents are here. I have a ton of projects that need to get done. And I feel like if I broke down and cried now I don’t know when I’d stop. I know at some point in here I’m going to have to let it all out. But I don’t know how I’m going to feel better about all of this until I’m pregnant. It’s only going to get harder from here on out. We’re going to have to deal with insurance/money issues, changing to a new clinic, now dealing with an egg issue which could lead to more crap-ass low fertilization cycles, and in the meantime more friends – infertile and otherwise – getting pregnant.

When I stop and think about it all, the work stress seems almost preferable. (Though I could lower the dosage a little bit… I like being kept busy, but this over-the-top stress needs to get lost.)

And if it isn’t completely obvious, I have no hope in this cycle. I’m mid 2ww, I should have SOME kind of hope. I tested this morning, 9dpo, a negative as expected. I’ll test again in two days for another negative. I’m just counting down to the inevitable.