My parents are still here and I came to bed early to type on my laptop and watch a DVR’d show. I have been using my desktop in the living room without feeling much guilt, but I find it really hard to sit down and write there, with everyone walking by and everything.

My boobs are sore. Tender all over, and super sensitive nipples. It’s real fun.

You know, there are problems when you take 2 hours to write a simple post and you can’t remember what you wrote about last time. I keep getting sidetracked with other things online. Can I blame this on the progesterone? (My hubby would give an emphatic, “NO!” )

I’ve started reading up on the clinic that is an hour away (though Den tells me that Google Maps lies – or that he speeds, one or the other – and that it is more like 45 minutes away, so that is certainly reasonable. We’re already driving a half-hour to our current clinic.) Their website has a ton of info on it, which I like. The doctors have a whole lot of awards and things in their write-ups… which could mean nothing, but it did catch my eye. They do appear to have a very extensive clinic, with “satellites” in two other locations (which are further away from us). They do nearly three times the IVF cycles that my current clinic does – or at least they did in 2005, according to the SART data. They have a very respectable success rate, though of course with our issue being “unusual” who knows where we fall in that continuum.

Den voiced his opinion that we should wait to even make an appointment with the new clinic until we get the outcome of this cycle and have a talk with our current RE. I want to make the appointment now. I mean, first off, as a new patient we’d probably have to wait a while to get in to see someone. And secondly, when/if we do get a negative beta I will want a second opinion, regardless of what our doctor has to say. I really cannot see her turning this completely around. Placating me slightly, fine – but I really don’t think she can undo two failed IVF cycles. I will want a second opinion. And in order to get a second opinion all my records need to be faxed over to the new clinic and I need to complete all these health questionaire forms, which take yet more time. So, come monday, I’m going to make an appointment with our current doctor (for after my beta) and then book a future appointment with this new one.

I do plan on taking a break after this one. Not sure for how long, but a cycle or two at least. Although I’m already feeling the urge to “hurry up and cycle again” when this one fails. I freaking hate sitting around on my ass. But I think it’s time to focus on some other priorities, like getting caught-up at work, and to give myself an emotional break and time to heal. And in that time we’ll learn some more and find out where we want to go and when.

I realized today that it’s Saturday, the new week is already starting. I’m just trying my best to forget about how it’s been a week already since retrieval. I don’t want to start testing until wednesday at the soonest. So la la la I’m not paying attention.

Right now (especially after reading A Little Pregnant – I told you I was sidetracking all over hell today) I’m thinking about records. There’s a handy little sheet that I can fill out that gives the 2nd opinion clinic permission to obtain my records from my current clinic. But I’m thinking, you know, I want to see those damn records. I want to see what was written in them. I want to see what I was and am friggin diagnosed with. I know it’s gone from unexplained to [maybe] endometriosis to poor fertilization to what-the-fuck-happened-there. But I want to see what they wrote. What category are they trying to cram me in now? I have in my files some of my original records from my obgyn when I needed to give them to the RE. They’re only a few sheets of blood test results, but I liked reading them for myself. I like having those numbers, having that confirmation. I really seriously dislike feeling “out of the loop.” I hate it when a doctor calls you and says, “Oh, that test result was absolutely fine.” Was it really fine? Was it borderline fine? Was it not-fine and your clinic misinterpreted it? In a perfect world you could trust exactly what your doctor says and never have to worry about it – and hell, maybe a lot of other people feel much more comfortable doing that anyways. I am not one of them.

So what I’m trying to say in a very wordy and uncessary way is that I want to get my grubby little hands on a copy of my records and photocopy everything for my own files. They’re my records, damnit.

And with that charming thought, I am going to bed. My parents are running me ragged with all this “sightseeing” stuff. And I think a bug bit me. It itches. *twitch*