I went through the anger phase. I went through a very hopeful, peaceful stage. Now I’m just at the sad stage.

I don’t know what to think about this cycle. I never thought a second cycle would be so hard… no, I never thought there would be a second cycle, and that’s the problem. I’m still so stunned to be here. My spirit is pretty squashed at this point. The first failure is always on my mind, reminding me not to be too positive about this cycle. Reminding me not to get my hopes up. Not to get my heart broken.

I’m scared. The last time the dropping shoe caught me so off-guard. Now this time I know in my head that we’re doing ICSI and that it should be so much better this time… but I’m nervous, waiting for the bad news. I want a 5-day transfer, but I won’t be expecting it this time.

I’m not just scared that it won’t work this time… I’m scared of what will happen if it doesn’t work. I don’t know how much more I can do right now. This whole cycle has been strange in a way… I feel like I’m struggling to keep up. I both want to be here and don’t want to be here. And if this cycle fails… I just don’t know if I can do another one. I wonder if my mental fortitude for IF treatments has run its course for now and I just need to move on. In a way we just started – since we just found our problem – but emotionally we started a long time ago.

Not to mention we can’t afford another one. Hopefully we’ll have frozen embryo transfers to consider – but again, there’s that voice in my head telling me to just aim for a transfer of two good embryos, any frozen is a bonus. And FETs still cost a chunk of change – a chunk that we simply do not have right now.

I’m certainly not ready to give up for good. But I do think I will need a break – I don’t even know how long of a break. In a way I’m scared of that too… scared of where that would take my life. Pregnancy and babies and parenting… it was a topic that I was and am willing to devote myself to for a very long time. I have a lot of friends on forums and blogs and I worry what would happen if I dropped out of the game. In a way going on an extended break would necessitate me stepping back from all of it – because I can’t be there, immersed in everything, and not be actively working towards it. It would be a constant reminder, and a break would require a break mentally and emotionally.

Then there’s the fear of, what would I do with myself? I have two main “projects” in my life right now – building my business, and infertility. Maybe I should just focus on this fledgling business of mine and stop working it around treatments? That’s not how I pictured my life. I’m not really the career-driven type. I love what I do, and I want to excel at it – but in no way do I want to devote my entire life to it.

And then my mind turns to my husband. I am 24 and have plenty of room for long breaks and soul-searching and healing. But my husband is already 41. Is it weird that I hear his clock ticking instead of my own? My husband is patient and supportive of everything that I do… but I feel his pain. I feel his panic that time is slipping past. Sure, men don’t have their sperm deteriorating like women do with their eggs, but he already feels old to be having a newborn. He doesn’t want to be 50 with a new baby. We were going to have kids – or at least be pregnant – by his 40th birthday. And I know he gets more depressed each year that goes by.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say in this post. I’m not really in a good place right now. not a bad place – but not a good one either. Today was not a great day, emotionally. I was feeling very run-down, very strung out, and very close to a meltdown standing in the garage at work. Plus, making matters worse, carrying some supplies inside resting against my stomach was unpleasant, and my stomach was already quite upset with lunch, so I spent a good part of 2 hours trying not to barf. Like I said… unpleasant.

I’m sitting here at my client’s waiting for the phone call that will tell me when to take my trigger shot tonight (and therefore when my surgery will be on Saturday). It’s making me feel a little queasy… not because the phone call will reveal anything catastrophic (it’s just the trigger shot, after all) but because the last time I was sitting at this desk waiting for a phone call from the nurses it was the fertilization report that smacked me across the back of the head with the force of a steel beam. So yeah, the memories aren’t very fond. I am extremely happy that my retrieval is going to be on a saturday… so we’ll get the report on a sunday and the news of our transfer date both while we’re away. Yeah, bad news could make our vacation less happy, but at least I won’t be at work.

But regardless of any of that, my stomach is upset today. And for the past two days or so I’ve been feeling more than twinges in my ovaries… particularily my left. Strong twinges… painful. It comes and goes. I notice it most when I’m laying down to sleep on my stomach, and when driving in the car. Urk. Bumps are bad.

I’m going to have to read my entries about my previous retrieval to remember exactly how I felt the day of retrieval and the days after. Den is under the erronious assumption that we are both going to be spending Saturday (after my retrieval) cleaning our house. I have a far different view of the day: me, in bed, sleeping. I figure I’m not going to argue with him about it until Saturday when I actually do feel terrible. (I can turn into SuperBitch when I’m feeling bad, and he’ll quickly realize it’s in his best interest to leave me alone.)

I’m kind of sad I didn’t have an ultrasound and blood draw today – no E2 number to put in my handy chart. The appointments give me something to look forward to instead of just waiting. However it’s probably a good thing for my arms… I have matching bruises on both arms from my last two blood draws. So sexy.

Ultrasound this morning went well, and Den even came with me for once, as he had to get a haircut… though I think he spent the entire appointment reading magazines.

We were in and out pretty quickly. Got my blood drawn first… and she got it on the first try this time, and on my left side – yay! Though now I have matching bruises on my left and right arms. We didn’t wait long to be seen for the ultrasound.

Basically, it showed me exactly where I expected to be: close but not quite there yet. Count of my follicles:
Left had 12 total, big ones of note were 18, 16.5, 16, 14.5, 14, 13.5.
Right had 11 total, big ones being 18.5, 18, 18, 15, 15.5, 13.5
And my lining was a nice 13mm triple layer.

I wasn’t able to answer the phone when the nurse called (I was watching the new Harry Potter movie, WOOT), so I didn’t get my E2 for today… but they are dropping me down to 100iu of Follistim today, then having me trigger tomorrow evening. (I’m not going in for another U/S – just triggering tomorrow evening.) Transfer will be Saturday! That makes me very happy.

And now I’m seriously considering bed. I have so much to take care of the next two days…. but I am really, really looking forward to my retrieval on saturday and then sunday-monday-tuesday of a nice anniversary vacation in Boston with my hubby. No work. I may turn off my phone (except I can’t, because I’m going to be waiting for news about transfer). I’m just going to relax. And I hope I feel better this time around after retrieval, because we plan to be walking around Boston…

I am SO angry at the world. My friend Kristen lost her baby at 11 weeks. It’s not fucking fair. My heart just aches for her. I wish there was more I could do.

Had my second ultrasound this morning. It’s all looking quite good. My left side has a 14, 13, 10, and 9 at less than 10mm (12 total), my right side has a 14, 13, 13, 12.5, 12, and 6 less than 10 (11 total). Those are some good numbers, right on par for last time… but hopefully this time my E2 hasn’t gone crazy.

I still have some baking to do, the nurse is expecting retrieval to be on friday or saturday! Yay!! I’m hoping for a saturday retrieval, simply because if it’s on friday I’ll have to take the day off work and come in saturday, which, judging from last time, could be a very unpleasant day to work. Maybe I’ll just come in on wednesday instead.

Random annoyance: even though I went to the bathroom right before going in to the RE’s office, I still had the overwhelming need to go potty ASAP while sitting half-naked on the exam table waiting for them to come in. Ugh! It’s the worst part of ultrasounds! I ended up just laying back on the table (they have a pillow there for you!) and trying to relax while waiting. Once they come in, of course, I am fine because I’m so busy looking at the U/S screen and jotting down notes… I forget all about me laying there being wanded. (Except when they have to press a little to catch my ovary. That’s uncomfortable.)

Oh the fun of ART.

Please note that it is a very bad idea to step on the scale during stims, especially not right after a big party that you ate too much at. Holy effing christ.

I am so pissed off tonight and it has nothing to do with fertility. Which could be seen as a good thing… or it could just piss me off further because damnit don’t I have enough crap to worry about right now? My washer, my brand new FUCKING washer, is STILL BROKEN. After getting the drum replaced. Still leaked. And the assholes who manufactured it are just going to send out the repairmen again – you know, at some point NEXT WEEK – to attempt to fix it again. Which means we will now be at least 3 weeks without a washer before we get it working.

Both Den and I are beyond pissed off…. and we are thisclose to calling Home Depot and telling them we would like to return the merchandise for a refund. Only the thought that it’s going to take another several weeks to get a new one shipped to us is preventing me from doing just that. I am so done with this. And I am just so ticked that neither company – not LG nor Home Depot seem to really be motivated to keep our business. Unlike weddings, selling appliances is a repeat business. And we will not be buying any more LG appliances that’s for damn sure. When you buy a brand new appliance you expect it to work – and if it doesn’t work, you expect it to get replaced quickly.

I think the part that gets me so angry is that if either one of those two companies had said, “Oh dear, that’s terrible! Here, we’ll be shipping you a new one right away,” we would have been fine. Annoyed, but reassured. We would have had a new washer that worked and we would have felt appeased by someone immediately fixing the problem.

Instead, we get LG saying HD is supposed to replace new appliances, HD saying they have nothing to do with it once we purchase it, and no one actually fixing the problem. No, strike that: the original problem was fixed, the drum is replaced, but now it’s leaking somewhere else, god only knows where or what. It’s a piece of shit in my opinion.

Though hell, maybe the repairmen who took it apart today didn’t hook something up correctly. As nice as they both were, I couldn’t say I was completely reassured today. (Though, yes, he did run the washer to make sure it worked. It did. And didn’t leak. …. until it hit the rinse/spin cycle. THEN it leaked. After he was gone and we had put in our bedsheets.)

Okay, I am really trying to calm down. I don’t need this stress. (But it’s really hard not being pissed off when every time you think about it you flare up into a temper fit and want to get on the phone immediately and tell the first person who answers the phone at LG to go to hell and take their damn machine with them.)

::

And here are some completely random things about today:

Day three of stims is done, and today I could barely feel the injection at all. I think my stomach is less sensitive more towards the side than down the center around my belly button. Anywhere close to my belly button sends some really weird, painful tingles right into it. I apparently have a very sensitive belly button. (No really – I can’t even really clean it without having weird painful twitches.)

I don’t know if it’s dinner or stress or the stims, but tonight I’m not feeling good… I’m sitting/laying in bed, and my stomach and my lower back are both aching. Doesn’t matter how I sit, it hurts.

AF is all but over… just spotting now.

Remember me mentioning that vanilla chai soy protein drink I bought last time I went grocery shopping? It is the best shit ever. I really expected it to taste nasty, but it tastes just like my chai tea drink, but cold and with a hint of vanilla. I’m only having a glass a day, but it’s good stuff. (The Ensure protein milkshakes, on the other hand, really DO taste like shit. Gag. And the ingredients list looks nasty too!)

I had one White Russian today when we stopped by the club (on the military base) on our way home. I got really quite tipsy from just that one drink, it was fabulous. They didn’t have normal vodka so they made it with vanilla vodka (did I mention how much I love vanilla?) and they didn’t have milk so they used half-and-half, which made it taste totally good and be totally bad for my hips all at the same time. Den would have bought me two but one was too many calories. But oh were they GOOD calories.

Now I think I really need some sleep, between the one drink and the pissed-offedness I’m exhausted.

I went grocery shopping this morning on the way back from my appointment. It was the latest step in my promises to myself – to eat healthier, to treat my body better. Now I had already been doing okay with it for the past year – I’d switched to organic when possible, cut out almost all junk food snackies, more fruits and veggies (mostly strawberries and bananas for Den).

Today I pushed it a little further. I added peaches and plums and raspberries and tomatos to my cart. I added a vanilla soy protein drink. (Protein, so I’ve heard, is good for developing mature eggs.) I tried some soy crisps as a healthy snack. I almost almost tried some soymilk but that was too scary for me… I am very picky about my milk. (I’m a milk snob… seriously, I’m now at the point that I can’t stand the taste of non-organic milk.) I also bought some whole wheat flatbreads to eat.

I think the biggest problem I have with food is that I really don’t know what to do with healthy foods. I don’t know what to make with them; I don’t good meals that don’t require a bunch of yummy cheese or cream. I’m still working on it. I really want to make a change. And I really want to get back to cooking meals. I enjoy cooking. (That still surprizes and amuses me.) I just am not always thrilled about eating what comes out of the oven…

I told Den we’re going on a diet and he is all for it. I just hope we can follow through.

I got hungry this evening, as usual. So I ate a peach (previously cut-up and put in a ziploc container – good idea).

So my baseline was this morning. Everything looks just as it should be – my worries of a giant cyst were completely unfounded. I had more antral follicles than my first IVF (10 on the left, 8 on the right), which is good… but the U/S tech said that sometimes after the pill antral follicles can hide in there and be difficult to count, and that’s obviously what happened last cycle seeing how many eggs I actually grew. They’re not anticipating anything different this month. They did drop my starting dose down slightly to help prevent my estrogen from running off again and have a little bit steadier growth. That’s all. The nurse said to come back next Tuesday – if my doctor thinks that’s too long to wait she’ll call me.

Taking my blood only required one try today, and no hunting under my skin. That made me happy.

For those in New England, take note: Resolve of the Bay State is hosting their annual Infertility and Family Building Conference on October 27. A ways away, but start planning. ;) This one’s quite a bit closer to me than the AFA Conference in New York. I found the AFA Conference to be so very valuable, so I’m looking forward to the Resolve one!