I went through the anger phase. I went through a very hopeful, peaceful stage. Now I’m just at the sad stage.

I don’t know what to think about this cycle. I never thought a second cycle would be so hard… no, I never thought there would be a second cycle, and that’s the problem. I’m still so stunned to be here. My spirit is pretty squashed at this point. The first failure is always on my mind, reminding me not to be too positive about this cycle. Reminding me not to get my hopes up. Not to get my heart broken.

I’m scared. The last time the dropping shoe caught me so off-guard. Now this time I know in my head that we’re doing ICSI and that it should be so much better this time… but I’m nervous, waiting for the bad news. I want a 5-day transfer, but I won’t be expecting it this time.

I’m not just scared that it won’t work this time… I’m scared of what will happen if it doesn’t work. I don’t know how much more I can do right now. This whole cycle has been strange in a way… I feel like I’m struggling to keep up. I both want to be here and don’t want to be here. And if this cycle fails… I just don’t know if I can do another one. I wonder if my mental fortitude for IF treatments has run its course for now and I just need to move on. In a way we just started – since we just found our problem – but emotionally we started a long time ago.

Not to mention we can’t afford another one. Hopefully we’ll have frozen embryo transfers to consider – but again, there’s that voice in my head telling me to just aim for a transfer of two good embryos, any frozen is a bonus. And FETs still cost a chunk of change – a chunk that we simply do not have right now.

I’m certainly not ready to give up for good. But I do think I will need a break – I don’t even know how long of a break. In a way I’m scared of that too… scared of where that would take my life. Pregnancy and babies and parenting… it was a topic that I was and am willing to devote myself to for a very long time. I have a lot of friends on forums and blogs and I worry what would happen if I dropped out of the game. In a way going on an extended break would necessitate me stepping back from all of it – because I can’t be there, immersed in everything, and not be actively working towards it. It would be a constant reminder, and a break would require a break mentally and emotionally.

Then there’s the fear of, what would I do with myself? I have two main “projects” in my life right now – building my business, and infertility. Maybe I should just focus on this fledgling business of mine and stop working it around treatments? That’s not how I pictured my life. I’m not really the career-driven type. I love what I do, and I want to excel at it – but in no way do I want to devote my entire life to it.

And then my mind turns to my husband. I am 24 and have plenty of room for long breaks and soul-searching and healing. But my husband is already 41. Is it weird that I hear his clock ticking instead of my own? My husband is patient and supportive of everything that I do… but I feel his pain. I feel his panic that time is slipping past. Sure, men don’t have their sperm deteriorating like women do with their eggs, but he already feels old to be having a newborn. He doesn’t want to be 50 with a new baby. We were going to have kids – or at least be pregnant – by his 40th birthday. And I know he gets more depressed each year that goes by.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say in this post. I’m not really in a good place right now. not a bad place – but not a good one either. Today was not a great day, emotionally. I was feeling very run-down, very strung out, and very close to a meltdown standing in the garage at work. Plus, making matters worse, carrying some supplies inside resting against my stomach was unpleasant, and my stomach was already quite upset with lunch, so I spent a good part of 2 hours trying not to barf. Like I said… unpleasant.