I just had this idea that’s pretty darn cool, but I’ll need to purchase some software before I can do it.

Right now I have my whole TTC journey log on this blog… plus I do tend to keep things like my retrieval and transfer bracelets and my U/S pics. I have a small pregnancy “organizer” which is okay (but I discovered that a lot of the beginning stuff doesn’t work right for an IF pregnancy). But I really get annoyed at how they lay stuff out in pregnancy books, how some parts don’t apply, how there’s not enough space to write things in, etc.

Well I just am completing this print job for a non-profit I volunteer with sometimes. I designed and put together a recipe book, and it’s going to get sent off to the printers today or tomorrow. And the thought occurs to me, why don’t I do that for a pregnancy journal/book? I can design it all on my computer, page by page, week by week. All digital, so I can move things around and edit them and add photos later if I need to. And then, when I’m all done, I can have it professionally printed and bound! I guess that’s what people say when they talk about digital scrapbooking, huh? I guess it’s time I really start looking into that!

So far I have a lot of real scrapbooking supplies, but all my photos are digital and I don’t get around to printing them, and well, I’m so backlogged that it’s getting stressful. lol I’ll still do some “real” scrapbooking, I’m sure, since it can be fun, but I think at least in terms of a pregnancy journal it might be really really cool to have it done digitally and then printed. I can even make spaces in it for the physical objects I want to include in it. :D

::

Does anyone know what kind of place might be able to repair camcorders? Den had a really nice on years ago – it was digital, and exported right to his computer. It’s small and compact. And then his dad borrowed it… and broke it. (To say he was not happy is a large understatement… especially since his dad insisted it was broken before he borrowed it. Yeah. Whatever.) One of the things we really need before a baby arrives is a camcorder! So it’s either shell out several hundred dollars for a new one, or repair the one we have now.

I also realized something about my supposed christmas gift. See, last christmas Den gave me the choice for a big gift – I could either get myself a wedding/engagement ring (I never got one, all I got for the wedding was a plain band, with the intention of getting a pretty one later) or a DSLR camera. I, umm, chose the camera. :D I LOVE that camera. (And it’s another thing we needed to get before a baby came.)

But, well, you know how my pants aren’t fitting too well right now? Same for my wedding band. I actually had to take it off last week, because that poor finger was hurting. I haven’t put it back on. :( I probably could now, but… the ring is tiny (size 4, I think), and my fingers are no longer so tiny. And I don’t know if I really want to pay money to get a $40 ring resized, especially when I’m pregnant and just going to get fatter fingers anyways! (I do feel bad that I’m not wearing a wedding ring, but…)

So anyways, all of that just makes me realize that buying a new fancy ring NOW is NOT a good idea. I won’t be able to wear it anyways! I’ll probably just put that money towards something for baby, anyways. It’s a habit of mine… I hate buying big things for myself, but I’ll spend a small fortune on the dogs. (I have banned myself from Petco.) I can only imagine how bad it’s going to get with a baby!

First of all I want to congratulate Serenity on her positive Beta! She and I had the same retrieval, transfer, and beta dates… and now the same due date. I’m just so happy for you girl!

Tonight I just want to cry tears of joy. I’m just so very, very thankful to finally be sitting here pregnant. I never thought the day would come… and it feels like a dream.

I want to experience this pregnancy in every tiny little way. I bought a pregnancy magazine, I dug out my pregnancy books (bought back when we started TTC and I thought I’d use them shortly), I put up my ticker. I just want to immerse myself in all things pregnant because it feels so damned wonderful. I have 36 more weeks to go, which seems like a long time, and yet in some ways I want it to last forever. This is the thing I have dreamed of, wished for. And now I’m here. Just laying here in bed is amazing to me… because I’m not just me laying here in bed, I’m me and my embryo laying here in bed.

Yesterday when I went into Walmart for a quick shopping stop I of course passed multiple mothers pushing babies in their carts. And for once in a long time, I didn’t feel an immediate surge of envy and bitterness. My first thought was, I’m going to have one of those. In April. And you know… it kind of made my head spin a little.

I really can’t wrap myself around the concept. I’m sure it’ll sink in as time goes on… the fact that I have a little person in there. A person who will become a little baby, with arms and legs and real thoughts of his or her own. I’m really glad I have 36 weeks to get used to the idea.

I am so eager for my belly to grow… to get big and round. I know it’s going to be hard. But right now I feel like… like I did two days ago, only know I know I’m pregnant. I can’t wait to feel some sign of the life inside me. (Though I’d really really appreciate it if the sign wasn’t nausea.)

I’ve been continuing to feel twinges of unknown origin. My boobs are still sore. I got a [slight] foot cramp tonight. But still nothing that stands out to me as “pregnant!” (I get foot cramps somewhat regularily. I really really am hoping that by some chance the pregnancy doesn’t make that worse. Cause man they hurt.)

I said last night that I was feeling very peaceful. And it’s more than that… I feel more assertive for some reason. Like today when some of Den’s family was over and I thought for a moment that someone was going to light a cigarette in my house. I was fully ready to march over and snatch it out of his hand, not a thought I would ever have entertained before. Just the thought that someone could dare do anything that could possibly hurt my baby made me very angry, and ready to step up and deal with it.

While the family was over we took them aside to tell them our good news. Den didn’t want to make a big family announcement since it was his Gram’s birthday and he didn’t want to “steal the limelight” – which is considerate of him, but a little unnecessary. He drove me a little bit craz today with the waiting to tell people. People would arrive and I’d give him a loaded look and he would push me off with a, “Later, later.” Damnit I wanted to tell people NOW! Right now! But in the end he did get around to let everyone know of our good news, and everyone is very happy for us. Everyone knows what we’ve been going through (except his uncles whom I think are more than a little clueless about a lot of things).

Then after everyone left I called my relatives whom my parents are visiting right now and asked that mom call me when she gets in. She called me back not 15 minutes later. I started off by saying that I just wanted to let her know that Den loves the new shop-vac they bought him. Which is true, he does love it, and it made short work of all the fur in this house (will come in VERY handy with a baby around, even if it is noisy – we have no other way of getting rid of all that fur!). Then I added, “Oh yeah, and some other news… I’m pregnant!” There was silence and sniffling and, “Really? You know this early?” and more sniffling as she started crying. I think she’s in shock and of course very happy for us. It’s been hard on mom, to know that I’ve been going through everything and getting disappointed every time. When she was here I showed her my medications, my syringes, my scars. You could see the look on her face, that it hurt her so deeply that her daughter had to go through these things. So for her to know that we finally succeeded… well she’s just happy beyond words.

My dad of course responded with a, “Well good! But remember now, it’s early.” Ha. Typical dad. Can never expect him to get too excited about anything. I’m sure that when I call with the news that his grandchild has been born he’ll be all, “Glad to hear it went well.” He amuses me. I love him to death, but he totally is not on the emotion bandwagon.

So now all that’s left is telling Den’s dad and two brothers from that side of the family. Who knows when he’ll get around to it!

Telling people was… strange. I mean, I haven’t even really come to grips with the idea of being pregnant myself! And I don’t usually like all that attention on me anyways… I’m kind of glad Den didn’t make a big group announcement. That’s just not how we are. (Not in real life, at least. Online I’m all for big announcements! ;) )

I’ve been awake since 5:30 this morning (I woke up multiple times all night and couldn’t get back to sleep, so excited was I to take another pregnancy test!), and I’m getting very tired. I think it’s time for me to get some sleep!

I got the call!!!

My beta is… *drumroll*… 195!

Which is a very healthy number for a singleton pregnancy!

I’m officially doctor-says-so pregnant!!

I am 4 weeks pregnant as of today. I plan on taking a belly pic every week.. thankfully I have a tripod and a remote for my camera, because Den has no patience for taking photos.

My stomach is, as to be expected, a wee bit flabby still. And that was sucking it in, just so you know. (And it’s been like this for weeks, so no actual baby belly yet.) But when I look at the photo I’m still rather disgusted by how much my ass sticks out back. Stupid arched back. Make it look even bigger, why don’t you.

Plus I stepped on the scale this morning… 142! :shock: I’ve been hovering between 144 and 145 for weeks! And I’ve gone down?? Weird. (Must be losing some of that bloating and water weight from the meds.)

When I thought this cycle was a bust I was planning on finally getting down to fitting in my wardrobe again. I realized yesterday that’s no longer going to happen! It’s kind of crummy to have to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe at only 4 weeks pregnant, but I seriously only have a couple pairs of pants to wear! (The past two weeks I’ve been going to my client’s with my top button unbuttoned on my dress slacks!) I think I’ll try to find a lot of sweats and stretchy pants so they can grow with me. Maybe even maternity pants (so I can get somethign that’s stretchy on top but dressy material on the bottom, for work), but I don’t think I’ll fit into maternity pants yet.

When Den came to bed he told me that the sooner he gets to sleep, the sooner morning will be here when I can test again. He seemed almost giddy. Nervous, but giddy. I asked him if seeing the line still be there tomorrow – probably even darker – will make him feel better. He nodded emphatically.

I didn’t mention, too, that today he’s been very protective. He would just walk over while I was working and lean over to kiss my stomach. He asked me if I was taking all my meds. When I told him about the DHA suppliment I heard about and bought on a whim last week (who knew?) but mentioned the cost he said, “So what?? Take it!!”

It’s kind of funny seeing him like this. Very sweet. I can tell how much emotion is all tied up in him right now and he is desperate for some kind of absolute “you’re definitely pregnant!” sign to “allow” him to celebrate. Whether it’s the second BFP tomorrow morning or the beta results, I just hope he does find it.

I went grocery shopping this morning, and it was a different experience. I felt so proud and purposeful. I only bought healthy things. When I picked out something to buy I’d think to myself, For me… and the baby.

I am being careful with the word “baby” though. And even “pregnant”. It doesn’t feel right coming out of my mouth yet. And like Den said, “I don’t want to jinx anything!” So conversations contain a lot of, “So if we are… you know…. if the test comes back positive…” I guess we’ll have to get used to it slowly.

I also bought Pregnancy magazine today. I was looking for something to buy – a baby toy or some kind of keepsake – but I couldn’t find anything worth spending money on. Not right now, anyways. Not like we need baby rattles right now. But I bought the magazine. It’s just a surreal experience to allow myself to read things like that. I also brought out my book The Mother of All Pregancy Books and was reading Week 3 and Week 4. It’s a whole different viewpoint now. I read things and think, “That’s me. I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby. For real. Not just someday, but in 9 months!”

You’ve probably noticed, but I’ve given myself fully to experiencing this in the best way possible. I was afraid I was going to react like Den and just be terrified. But I got this gift. This miracle, finally my two pink lines that I’ve been waiting for. And damnit I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to experience it. I’m going to let myself celebrate for once.

I just feel deeply happy… and at peace.

I’m sorry to disappoint those of you who were expecting/hoping for a beta result today, but my beta is tomorrow morning. And of course I’ll be posting as soon as I hear.

I’m really having trouble putting into words how I feel. I’ve been so freakin’ excited all day. I want to shout from the rooftops. This is amazing and unbelievable. There were many times throughout my day when I was just working along at something then my mind would flicker back and I’d sit up and think, “OMG, I’m pregnant!!” It’s a crazy, crazy thought. Every time I see someone congratulate me there’s this feeling of awe and disbelief that it’s ME they’re talking about. I’ve dreamed of using a pregnancy ticker for months, and then when I actually get my BFP I spent all day thinking about whether or not I wanted to put it up just yet. But in a nutshell I’m so excited and very very positive. That line is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.

Denis, on the other hand, is freaking out. He’s so excited too. He almost started crying along with me this morning. His hands were shaking too. (But not half as bad as mine were… I could barely type this morning.) But then you can see the armor come down and he gets all serious and skeptical. “Are you sure these tests are NEVER wrong?” I reassured him many times, but he still doesn’t really believe me. And even when we do get the doctor’s reassurance and the beta number he’s still going to be absolutely terrified that something is going to snatch this away from us. We’ve waited so long, tried so hard, and now that we have it he’s thinking of my friends who had a miscarriage and he’s thinking, “What if that happens to us?”

While it’s a little frustrating to me that he won’t let himself rejoice and dance around the house with me, I can understand where he’s coming from. I feel the fear too. I think of the beta tomorrow and just for a second there’s a flash of bright scarlet fear that this is all going to go away. And then I pick up the pregnancy test and stare at it again and reassure myself that the line is right there in front of me, and it’s a GOOD line. There’s no reason to think this shouldn’t work out. I am sticking to the belief that getting pregnant was the hard part. We had a fabulous embryo and it apparently stuck and I have (almost) every faith that it’s going to carry through.

Den was talking to me in the truck on the way home, saying how going through infertility treatments has really opened his eyes to all the things that can go wrong. Had we gotten pregnant in the first few months we would have thrown a party at that first BFP and marched along happily. Now we’re too well aquainted with being on the losing side of the statistics, plus we’ve heard a lot of bad stories as well. And I know pretty much every IFer has mentioned it at some time or another. But man, wouldn’t it be nice to be ignorant again? And just not worry about it? To just enjoy the pregnancy?

The comments here and on my several different forums is so amazing! I’ve teared up several times reading responses from friends. It touches me so deeply just how many people have rallied around us and prayed for us (even though I am not religious, it still touches me that people would do that for us) and waited and hoped and now that it’s finally here seem to be almost as happy as I am! I sat Den down to read all the comments here on my blog, and he was touched too. (Still guarded… but I know it made him feel really good!)

I *think* we’re going to tell the family tomorrow, when the beta comes in and confirms everything. But I’m not so certain how Den is going to feel even after the beta. The reason it’s probably going to have to be tomorrow is that we’re having a party here at our house (his Gram’s birthday) and family will be asking what happened with the cycle. I’ll let Den take the lead, it’s his family.

I was thinking about how to tell my family and it’s been more difficult. My parents left on Wednesday (of course, the day of my last BFN), so it’s very unfortunate that they won’t be here to get the big news. I could have told mom today – in fact she called just a little bit ago – but… Den and I had already decided to wait at least until after the beta. So when she asked me how I’m feeling I told her how sore I am after going to the golf driving range. I felt bad, but… I’m not quite ready to tell my mother yet.

I did think of a neat way to tell them. the problem is that they’re not at home; they flew to visit some of dad’s relatives for a week after leaving here. Previously I didn’t even have their phone number (but I do now, since mom called me from there). But my idea was to somehow get the phone number or email them and ask me to call them. I was going to tell them that I thought they forgot something here, but I don’t know what it is, then ask them to check their email quickly to take a look at it. And have that picture be my BFP, of course.

Unfortunately mom told me that they’re going off to some lake tomorrow all day. That ruins that thought.

Telling other people is harder. I *have* to tell my supervisor at work right away because I’m scheduled to scoop cat poop on thursdays. I can’t do that anymore. So I need to let her know as soon as I see her so she can schedule a replacement. I wrote her a txt message saying I’m pregnant, then paused, then deleted it without sending it. Didn’t feel right. I’ll tell her in person on monday.

Telling my boss at work seems different though. I haven’t really talked much with her about the treatments, though she know we were doing something or another. I didn’t know what I should tell her today. Turned out while I was there she was off somewhere else so that took the decision off my shoulders. I still don’t know what I’ll do next week, but next week we’ll have the beta number(s) and be in a better position to decide!

Oh, and my clients? Not telling them until it becomes obvious. There’s no reason to. I do not chat about my life with my clients, it is irrelevant… at least until it interferes. And since what I do is sit at a desk and type it shouldn’t interefere for a long time… before that becomes an issue it’s going to get very obvious that I’m getting fat, so I’ll have to deal with that when the time comes.

But anyhow, tomorrow morning I’ll get up around 7am to go get my blood drawn. We’ll get the call around noon, 1-ish. Hopefully before people start arriving for the party (which starts at 3).

And as for symptoms… really nothing much. Nothing I haven’t been feeling for two weeks. My ovaries/uterus are twinging and cramping now and then – could be a little more than it was before, but hard to tell. My boobs are still sore. (Yesterday Den pushed my nipple like a button. I smacked his hand and got grouchy. NORMALLY it’s not an issue, but when on progesterone? Don’t touch the nipple, dude.) Again, nothing that I could say was “different” in the last couple of days. No other weird pregnancy symptoms. (And honestly, I’m perfectly okay if the nausea decides to bypass me completely. I wouldn’t be upset.)

It’s still just all so surreal. It really is.

Holy. F#$!ing. Shit.

I peed in a cup. I dipped the stick and swirled it around and counted to 14. I capped it and set it in front of me. I rinsed out the cup and flushed and put it back beside the toilet. I picked up the HPT with an eye-roll and looked and…. wait, what? My hands started shaking and I looked again. I walked out to Den and gave it to him with a straight face. He looked and said, “Wait… there’s something there?”

HOLY CRAP. THE TEST IS POSITIVE.

ETA: Here’s another pic. That first one was taken only about 2 minutes after I peed on it! This one’s clearer and closer!

I have a HUGE red zit right above my lip. It makes me look horrible and I am none too pleased with it. I can’t even wear makeup to cover it. (Makeup makes me breakout horribly, which would defeat the purpose.)

I had a bit of a trying day. Nothing major happened, just frustrations at work that had me really really wanting to go home and go to bed. Bleh.

Yes, I’m testing again tomorrow morning. I am not expecting a freakin miracle. This time – probably since I’m being so absolutely negative about the whole thing – Den’s the one pulling out the “What if?” card. “How do you KNOW you’re not pregnant?” He says. I can’t answer, because of course I don’t know for sure. My body’s all fucked up with progesterone right now. That may be the one blessing of IVF 2 week waits – while normal cycles I’m all excited because my boobs hurt, this one I’m like, “Yeah, it’s the progesterone.” No emotional tizzy. (Except the bleeding. That was not fun.)

So no more bleeding since that one incident. Friends are telling me “It could be!” and I’m all, “But it’s not.”

If my pregnancy test comes up positive tomorrow morning I will probably fall over and bang my head on the tub.

If you can believe it, I’m even pissed that my body has gone and done this and given me hope. Every time I’ve had hope it has been a Very Bad Thing, resulting in some utter emotional devastation. I don’t want that. I was perfectly secure in my BFNs and knowledge that I was NOT pregnant, and now I’m sitting here wondering, “What if…” I don’t want to!! I don’t want to have hope! I don’t want to get hurt again! I want to read my Harry Potter and do my work and just not think about it. Fat chance of that happening.

This morning there was still pinky streaks of spotting, but it quickly disappeared over the day. Now there is nothing but prometrium. Even though it seems to have stopped I am now paranoid. Yesterday evening we went to the batting cages and driving range with my parents and I participated. (I did pretty well, and even won at mini-golf!) My shoulders are feeling sore today from using muscles that haven’t been touched in years. And I worry that my exertion yesterday somehow caused the bleeding, even though it wasn’t much. Today I’ve been staying off my feet as much as possible, taking it easy and just working at my desk.

Tomorrow I don’t know what I’ll do because I have to go to work and work involves lifting things. And there won’t be anyone there to help me, unfortunately. I guess I’ll just try to be as careful as possible.

Yesterday as I was walking out of my client’s office I was thinking about how blessed I am to do what I do. I am my own boss. And while that can be absolutely maddening at times (like today, when I’m both the whiny worker who wants a nap AND the slavedriving boss who won’t let up, and I have deadlines hanging over my head), it’s a damn cool thing. I get to walk into “work” as a consultant. Not an employee. People can’t tell me when to work. I say, “Next week I’ll be coming in wednesday instead of tuesday,” and no one complains. I may not feel so peachy about it all when it comes time to pay my taxes, but for right now I’m feeling very thankful.

Now to survive the next few days. I can barely focus on my book. (I’m not reading the new one yet, I’m re-reading book 5, then 6, then 7.)

Okay, I called the nurse and left a message. Unfortunately she called back while I was driving my parents to the airport. I pulled over to answer but then had to sit there on the phone and answer the nurse’s questions about “how much? Did it soak a pad? Was it bright red?” while I’m sitting there next to my father. Now that may just be the most embarassing moment of my life right there. But, dad being dad, he pretended he hadn’t heard a thing and kept on talking about how it was good that I pulled over to answer my phone instead of driving at the same time and how that should be the law everywhere. (My parents know that we’re in the 2ww but I intentionally didn’t mention the bleeding to my mom, I didn’t want to get her freaked out. So much for that.) I can only hope that my answers were vague enough and that that’s all they heard.

In any case, the nurse said that sometimes the progesterone suppositories can irritate the cervix and cause bleeding – they “get more calls about it than you’d think.” Of course at this point in time that doesn’t exactly reassure me. But she didn’t seem alarmed. Especially since it seems to have stopped this morning. When I got out of bed this morning I felt leaking and I freaked a little, but (TMI) it turned out just to be some progesterone cream from overnight leaking back out.

So I guess there’s no need to freak out yet. 10dpo is a little late for implantation, but it could still happen. Or, more likely, it’s just my cervix getting irritated or something.

But holy cow, I never understood how much panic some blood could induce. All I kept thinking was that my embryo had been flushed out. I can’t imagine how I’d have freaked had I actually been pregnant at the time. All you girls who have to deal with that in early pregnancy… shit. I just can’t imagine. I’d be parked on the OB’s door screaming, I think.

Also, while I was on that phone call the receptionist from NewClinic called me back and apologised for not getting back to me yesterday but that we can take the IVF “class” just by watching the video online whenever, and she booked my appointment for August 10th. !! I thought she said they were booking for end of September/beginning of October?? Yikes. Well, this messes up the timeline a little, since I won’t have my consult with my current RE until almost a month later! I don’t know if I should call to push back the talk or if I should just go and see what he has to say. We can’t start cycling again until I’d say at least October, depending on finances. But I always like to know the plan.