When Den came to bed he told me that the sooner he gets to sleep, the sooner morning will be here when I can test again. He seemed almost giddy. Nervous, but giddy. I asked him if seeing the line still be there tomorrow – probably even darker – will make him feel better. He nodded emphatically.

I didn’t mention, too, that today he’s been very protective. He would just walk over while I was working and lean over to kiss my stomach. He asked me if I was taking all my meds. When I told him about the DHA suppliment I heard about and bought on a whim last week (who knew?) but mentioned the cost he said, “So what?? Take it!!”

It’s kind of funny seeing him like this. Very sweet. I can tell how much emotion is all tied up in him right now and he is desperate for some kind of absolute “you’re definitely pregnant!” sign to “allow” him to celebrate. Whether it’s the second BFP tomorrow morning or the beta results, I just hope he does find it.

I went grocery shopping this morning, and it was a different experience. I felt so proud and purposeful. I only bought healthy things. When I picked out something to buy I’d think to myself, For me… and the baby.

I am being careful with the word “baby” though. And even “pregnant”. It doesn’t feel right coming out of my mouth yet. And like Den said, “I don’t want to jinx anything!” So conversations contain a lot of, “So if we are… you know…. if the test comes back positive…” I guess we’ll have to get used to it slowly.

I also bought Pregnancy magazine today. I was looking for something to buy – a baby toy or some kind of keepsake – but I couldn’t find anything worth spending money on. Not right now, anyways. Not like we need baby rattles right now. But I bought the magazine. It’s just a surreal experience to allow myself to read things like that. I also brought out my book The Mother of All Pregancy Books and was reading Week 3 and Week 4. It’s a whole different viewpoint now. I read things and think, “That’s me. I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby. For real. Not just someday, but in 9 months!”

You’ve probably noticed, but I’ve given myself fully to experiencing this in the best way possible. I was afraid I was going to react like Den and just be terrified. But I got this gift. This miracle, finally my two pink lines that I’ve been waiting for. And damnit I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to experience it. I’m going to let myself celebrate for once.

I just feel deeply happy… and at peace.