I’m sorry to disappoint those of you who were expecting/hoping for a beta result today, but my beta is tomorrow morning. And of course I’ll be posting as soon as I hear.

I’m really having trouble putting into words how I feel. I’ve been so freakin’ excited all day. I want to shout from the rooftops. This is amazing and unbelievable. There were many times throughout my day when I was just working along at something then my mind would flicker back and I’d sit up and think, “OMG, I’m pregnant!!” It’s a crazy, crazy thought. Every time I see someone congratulate me there’s this feeling of awe and disbelief that it’s ME they’re talking about. I’ve dreamed of using a pregnancy ticker for months, and then when I actually get my BFP I spent all day thinking about whether or not I wanted to put it up just yet. But in a nutshell I’m so excited and very very positive. That line is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.

Denis, on the other hand, is freaking out. He’s so excited too. He almost started crying along with me this morning. His hands were shaking too. (But not half as bad as mine were… I could barely type this morning.) But then you can see the armor come down and he gets all serious and skeptical. “Are you sure these tests are NEVER wrong?” I reassured him many times, but he still doesn’t really believe me. And even when we do get the doctor’s reassurance and the beta number he’s still going to be absolutely terrified that something is going to snatch this away from us. We’ve waited so long, tried so hard, and now that we have it he’s thinking of my friends who had a miscarriage and he’s thinking, “What if that happens to us?”

While it’s a little frustrating to me that he won’t let himself rejoice and dance around the house with me, I can understand where he’s coming from. I feel the fear too. I think of the beta tomorrow and just for a second there’s a flash of bright scarlet fear that this is all going to go away. And then I pick up the pregnancy test and stare at it again and reassure myself that the line is right there in front of me, and it’s a GOOD line. There’s no reason to think this shouldn’t work out. I am sticking to the belief that getting pregnant was the hard part. We had a fabulous embryo and it apparently stuck and I have (almost) every faith that it’s going to carry through.

Den was talking to me in the truck on the way home, saying how going through infertility treatments has really opened his eyes to all the things that can go wrong. Had we gotten pregnant in the first few months we would have thrown a party at that first BFP and marched along happily. Now we’re too well aquainted with being on the losing side of the statistics, plus we’ve heard a lot of bad stories as well. And I know pretty much every IFer has mentioned it at some time or another. But man, wouldn’t it be nice to be ignorant again? And just not worry about it? To just enjoy the pregnancy?

The comments here and on my several different forums is so amazing! I’ve teared up several times reading responses from friends. It touches me so deeply just how many people have rallied around us and prayed for us (even though I am not religious, it still touches me that people would do that for us) and waited and hoped and now that it’s finally here seem to be almost as happy as I am! I sat Den down to read all the comments here on my blog, and he was touched too. (Still guarded… but I know it made him feel really good!)

I *think* we’re going to tell the family tomorrow, when the beta comes in and confirms everything. But I’m not so certain how Den is going to feel even after the beta. The reason it’s probably going to have to be tomorrow is that we’re having a party here at our house (his Gram’s birthday) and family will be asking what happened with the cycle. I’ll let Den take the lead, it’s his family.

I was thinking about how to tell my family and it’s been more difficult. My parents left on Wednesday (of course, the day of my last BFN), so it’s very unfortunate that they won’t be here to get the big news. I could have told mom today – in fact she called just a little bit ago – but… Den and I had already decided to wait at least until after the beta. So when she asked me how I’m feeling I told her how sore I am after going to the golf driving range. I felt bad, but… I’m not quite ready to tell my mother yet.

I did think of a neat way to tell them. the problem is that they’re not at home; they flew to visit some of dad’s relatives for a week after leaving here. Previously I didn’t even have their phone number (but I do now, since mom called me from there). But my idea was to somehow get the phone number or email them and ask me to call them. I was going to tell them that I thought they forgot something here, but I don’t know what it is, then ask them to check their email quickly to take a look at it. And have that picture be my BFP, of course.

Unfortunately mom told me that they’re going off to some lake tomorrow all day. That ruins that thought.

Telling other people is harder. I *have* to tell my supervisor at work right away because I’m scheduled to scoop cat poop on thursdays. I can’t do that anymore. So I need to let her know as soon as I see her so she can schedule a replacement. I wrote her a txt message saying I’m pregnant, then paused, then deleted it without sending it. Didn’t feel right. I’ll tell her in person on monday.

Telling my boss at work seems different though. I haven’t really talked much with her about the treatments, though she know we were doing something or another. I didn’t know what I should tell her today. Turned out while I was there she was off somewhere else so that took the decision off my shoulders. I still don’t know what I’ll do next week, but next week we’ll have the beta number(s) and be in a better position to decide!

Oh, and my clients? Not telling them until it becomes obvious. There’s no reason to. I do not chat about my life with my clients, it is irrelevant… at least until it interferes. And since what I do is sit at a desk and type it shouldn’t interefere for a long time… before that becomes an issue it’s going to get very obvious that I’m getting fat, so I’ll have to deal with that when the time comes.

But anyhow, tomorrow morning I’ll get up around 7am to go get my blood drawn. We’ll get the call around noon, 1-ish. Hopefully before people start arriving for the party (which starts at 3).

And as for symptoms… really nothing much. Nothing I haven’t been feeling for two weeks. My ovaries/uterus are twinging and cramping now and then – could be a little more than it was before, but hard to tell. My boobs are still sore. (Yesterday Den pushed my nipple like a button. I smacked his hand and got grouchy. NORMALLY it’s not an issue, but when on progesterone? Don’t touch the nipple, dude.) Again, nothing that I could say was “different” in the last couple of days. No other weird pregnancy symptoms. (And honestly, I’m perfectly okay if the nausea decides to bypass me completely. I wouldn’t be upset.)

It’s still just all so surreal. It really is.