If you can believe it, I’m even pissed that my body has gone and done this and given me hope. Every time I’ve had hope it has been a Very Bad Thing, resulting in some utter emotional devastation. I don’t want that. I was perfectly secure in my BFNs and knowledge that I was NOT pregnant, and now I’m sitting here wondering, “What if…” I don’t want to!! I don’t want to have hope! I don’t want to get hurt again! I want to read my Harry Potter and do my work and just not think about it. Fat chance of that happening.

This morning there was still pinky streaks of spotting, but it quickly disappeared over the day. Now there is nothing but prometrium. Even though it seems to have stopped I am now paranoid. Yesterday evening we went to the batting cages and driving range with my parents and I participated. (I did pretty well, and even won at mini-golf!) My shoulders are feeling sore today from using muscles that haven’t been touched in years. And I worry that my exertion yesterday somehow caused the bleeding, even though it wasn’t much. Today I’ve been staying off my feet as much as possible, taking it easy and just working at my desk.

Tomorrow I don’t know what I’ll do because I have to go to work and work involves lifting things. And there won’t be anyone there to help me, unfortunately. I guess I’ll just try to be as careful as possible.

Yesterday as I was walking out of my client’s office I was thinking about how blessed I am to do what I do. I am my own boss. And while that can be absolutely maddening at times (like today, when I’m both the whiny worker who wants a nap AND the slavedriving boss who won’t let up, and I have deadlines hanging over my head), it’s a damn cool thing. I get to walk into “work” as a consultant. Not an employee. People can’t tell me when to work. I say, “Next week I’ll be coming in wednesday instead of tuesday,” and no one complains. I may not feel so peachy about it all when it comes time to pay my taxes, but for right now I’m feeling very thankful.

Now to survive the next few days. I can barely focus on my book. (I’m not reading the new one yet, I’m re-reading book 5, then 6, then 7.)