The craziest thing? I really want more of that chicken salad from yesterday.

This morning I got out of bed, sat at my computer… then *urrrppp* went running to the bathroom and yelled at Den to get out, get out! Yet again, no puking… just major tummy troubles.

Later Den says to me, “Is this your version of morning sickness?” I hope not. Ugh.

In other news… I’m starting to get flat out terrified about the ultrasound. It’s been moved from August 13th to August 16th due to clinic scheduling issues and those 3 days seem like a lifetime. I’m just so scared we’re going to get there and something will be wrong… that the heart won’t be beating.

In a way I’m glad my stomach is in major upheaval – it at least lets me know that something is going on in there.

Den’s going to be gone all next week and I’m going to have to find ways to distract myself. Books, I guess. And shopping.

I’m just scared. Please let everything be okay. Let the ultrasound show a beautiful little blob with a beating heart. Then maybe I will be able to breathe again.

So today I learned that overeating is a bad thing. Either that or chicken salad… but I’m not too eager to try either one of them again, just in case.

I ate breakfast this morning, figuring I’d stay ahead of the game. I brought saltines with me to my client’s so I could munch all day. I started feeling hungry at around 9:30, 10:00. Everyone ordered food from a deli nearby and one of the girls went to go pick it up at around 11:30. I was famished. Of course, being a deli, it had a bunch of stuff I shouldn’t eat. Ham (and their ham sandwich was FANTASTIC the last time I had it), tuna. So I decided on a “chicken salad plate.” I had no idea what that was, but figured chicken salad had to be good.

So the girl didn’t get back until like 12:15 and by then I was about ready to eat the container I was so hungry. My “plate” had a mound of chicken salad, more crackers, some tomatos, a scoop of potato salad (which I dumped in the garbage – blech), some slices of cheese, and lettuce underneath at all. That chicken salad was SO good. I was trying to work and stuff my face at the same time. I ate it all (except the tomatos and the potato salad)… after the chicken salad and crackers I poured dressing on the lettuce and ate that as a salad. YUM YUM.

Immediately after that I had to run to make an appointment with another client. I get there, we sit and go over stuff for quite some time. I think it was over an hour that I had been there when… *grrrrrpppppppp* My stomach starts having some really REALLY bad rumbles. The kind that made me clench my thighs together and wince. It was painful – must have been gas bubbles or something? Meanwhile the client is talking on to me and I’m taking some notes and trying desperately not to let my face show a horrific twisted-up expression. The grumbles slowed down and subsided briefly. Then started up again and I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

Let’s just say I didn’t puke. My poor, poor stomach.

I came home, did some stuff, then went to pick up Den… and when I got there went running into the bathroom again. The ride home was unpleasant.

As Serenity said in her blog… it’s amazing how something less than a millimeter in size could have such a big effect…

So from now on small meals. Even when they’re really super fantastic. Small, small meals.

As a side note, when I eat it’s still sitting up higher in my stomach than it ever did before. It’s probably a very small difference, but like when you get a grain of something stuck in your teeth… it’s tiny, but it feels like a freaking boulder because it’s not the way it ever was before. That’s how my stomach feels. When I eat it’s sitting in a lump just above my belly button… when before I used to feel the “weight” down lower after a big meal.

Now… what to eat… I’m kind of afraid to eat anything. (Well that and there’s not much in the house that I can just snack on… and I don’t feel like cooking or anything.)

Today I’m not really in a great frame of mind. I never considered how hard it would be to be “leaving” the community in which I’ve grown so accustomed to. After the initial shock and excitement of getting my BFP, now I’m realizing that a lot of the people who read my blog, who were aquaintances, will no longer be coming around. And I’m very sad by that. I understand it, don’t get me wrong – there were times when I couldn’t read pregnant blogs. But it makes me sad, too.

My blog here certainly has/will change. It’s about me, and whatever I’m going through. Right now it’s about my pregnancy, and it will hopefully be about my baby. My readership will change, I know that. Hopefully some stick around.

I’m still feeling… angry. Getting pregnant didn’t cure that. It made it sting much, much less… but I still find myself passing someone in a store with a bunch of kids and thinking how they probably have no idea what it’s like to struggle to have a child. The pregnancy groups I’ve been wanting so desperately to join are full of people who got pregnant on the first or second or third try. No fault of their own. But it’s hard to deal with sometimes. It’s hard to realize that, even though you’re pregnant, you’re still set apart from others. They’re talking about ovulation dates; you’re talking about egg retrievals and progesterone suppositories. People make jokes about sex and you reply that you didn’t have sex to get pregnant. It wasn’t even part of the equation.

Remember back when I started infertility treatments that I worried about getting pregnant right away because I would feel guilty? I’m still wondering. Even after failed clomid and IUIs and a failed IVF… I’m still sitting here wondering if I’ve suffered enough to not feel guilty for getting pregnant when others still aren’t. I still hurt so much for everyone else.

All I can really say is that I’m sorry. I know it’s not my fault… but I’m still sorry for every one of you who still are going through it, never knowing if it’s ever going to happen for you. I hope some of you will see me as a success story, as hope, but I know some of you won’t be able to. My blog rss reader still has all the same blogs in it… I’ll still be adding to it… and I’ll still be reading to cheer you on and lend a shoulder.

Today I said to Den, you know all those many many cycles when I stood in front of the mirror to spy any kind of little change that would signal that I was pregnant? They still aren’t here. So yeah, lots of wasted time there. My nipples aren’t darker, my boobs aren’t veinier (well, not any more than they were on the progesterone – that might have been different if it were a natural cycle, perhaps), I have no nausea, no smell sensitivity… and so on. And the symptoms I’m having now only started after my period would normally have come… after I tested positive.

My symptoms are so slight that if I didn’t already know I was pregnant I probably would have just shrugged them off. And in any other situation perhaps having indigestion and weird twinges in my stomach would be annoying – but right now every time I feel something I get totally excited. I love to just lay here and pay attention to the little weird feelings in my stomach. There is definitely something going on in there. And it is so freakin’ cool.

My stomach feels very tight… whenever I stretch or lean over to grab something or lever myself up out of bed it feels slightly achy… like I just did a whole bunch of situps. It’s very, very weird. It’s nothing like what I imagined.

I decided not to get worried about twins. I’m pretty sure there’s just one in there… it’s a pretty slim chance to have twins. (In fact, when I was reading the stats in my clinic’s IVF book it stated that for 2004 and 2005 when 1 top-grade embryo was transferred on day 3 they had a 100% singleton rate. Not ONE set of twins when just one 3-day was transferred. Granted last year’s and this year’s results have yet to be tabulated… but still. That’s pretty significant, don’t you think?

Two weeks until my ultrasound. At first that sounded like a long time, but then I thought… two weeks!! That’s it! Two weeks until we can hopefully see the heartbeat! They say you should be able to see it by 6 weeks, which I guess is why they scheduled me for 6w2d (since 6w falls on a saturday). And the nurse said to make sure Denis can be there, that they’d reschedule if he couldn’t. Thankfully he’ll be back from his trip by then. (Yes, he’s going away. Saturday to Thursday. He said he’s going to be completely paranoid the whole time. He’s also going away for another week later in August.) He had the option (he’s in the air national guard – he has the option) of getting deployed for their usual “rotation” somewhere overseas (I think Korea?). He was considering going this time. Obviously, me getting pregnant made him change his mind!

I need to start making a list of questions to ask the nurses/my midwife. Unfortunately I don’t think I get released to my Midwife until after my ultrasound – maybe not until 8 weeks – and in the meantime I have a bunch of questions. I read so very much about getting pregnant, and now that I’m here… I’m not really sure what to do with myself!

Oh, but I did order a bunch more books. I figure that’s the next logical place to start… I certainly can’t let Den outstrip me on the pregnancy knowledge. I’d feel so shamed. ;)

It’s midnight and my stomach is growling at me. Last time I ate this late I got indigestion half the night. I’m not falling for that one again!

(It’s a little weird, but even the indigestion makes me giddy. Because it’s caused by pregnancy. And that? Is so flippin’ cool.)

Today Den and I were talking about my situation at work and he was suggesting I get a dolly for lugging heavy things around. Which would make sense if I were moving things more than 5 feet, but I’m not. Anyways.

So we’re in the car and he’s going on about this and that he says something about how pregnant women should be careful about standing too long on their feet. And I said, “Oh, yeah, you get really swollen ankles. I’ve heard about that.” And he replies, “Not just that… it’s the blood flow, if you stand too long it all goes down to your legs and has trouble coming back up and it can affect the baby.”

Then after I got home from my meeting I took a shower. Den poked his head in, stuck his hand in the water and said, “Too warm! Don’t you know the baby’s temperture is 1 degree warmer than your own body temperture?!” and turned down the temperture a little bit.

:lol:

I know with that last one he was mostly joking (it really wasn’t too hot), but it is so freaking cute that he’s being all protective… and that his spouting all this data that even I have never heard of! He apparently spent all day at work reading articles about pregnancy.

Also, this afternoon as I was racing around trying to get ready for my meeting he leashed up both dogs to take outside. (Usually he takes one and I take the other… it’s a known RULE in this household, we both have to do it equally.) He looked at me and said, “Now don’t go thinking this is because you’re pregnant… because it is!”

He’s so freakin funny. I’ve never seen a man more excited to have a baby, ever!

Quick post from work to let you all know!

My second beta (16dpr) came back at 658! (First beta at 14dpr was 195.)

Okay, now I’m starting to get scared there’s two in there. (If there’s two, they’re identical… we only had one embryo!)

My first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday August 13th!

Quote from my manly-man husband this morning:

“Honey, you really need to stop buying baby clothes. Know why? Because if you don’t stop, I’m going to have to buy some, and then we’ll be really, really broke.”

He’s talking about Dallas Cowboys outfits now.

:lol:

I have discovered my first pregnancy symptom! Indigestion. I really shouldn’t have eaten that potato-and-egg salad before bed (but OMG was it yummy). But now I can’t sleep because my stomach is all bloated and my ovaries are aching a little bit and I keep… burping. Yech.

Today I went to Walmart. (Bad, bad Natalie.) Our Walmart does not have a maternity section, which made me sad. I could really use some slacks. I tried on some dress slacks just a size bigger than I would normally wear and… yeah. Let’s just say they didn’t fit anywhere else but my waist. I ended up buying some sweatpants in size large (still have some room to grow in them before they become uncomfortable) and some t-shirts… just ’cause I always need t-shirts.

Oh yeah, and I bought some baby clothes. :shakehead First I saw some Boston Red Sox onesies. Not my thing. But my husband – an avid Red Sox fan – would LOVE them. So I bought them for him. (He did indeed love them, though they were the most awesomest baby clothes ever. Of course.) Then I bought a cute blue and green onesie just because.

I’ve really gotta stop going to stores.

But sometime this week I plan to make a trip to The Mall (where Target and BRU lives) to do a tiny bit more shopping. Just a tiny bit. I swear.

I’ve already cried once today and I’m about to start crying again. If I ever had any doubts about telling people about our fertility struggles they’ve all been dashed with the amazing outpouring of support and love I’m getting from people everywhere. It’s amazing.

My best friend Kel… well what can I say about her other than that she is the most amazing person on the face of the planet? I love her so much!

I of course have posted on my usual forums with the good news, and the excitement on them is palpable. My usual “journal buddies” of course were jumping off the roof and screaming with excitement, but it also seems like everyone else from the community has stopped by to congratulate me! Even people who are desperately trying to get pregnant themselves are honestly happy for me.

And this is true here on my blog as well! Thank you to EVERYONE who has stopped by to congratulate me. I hope all of you amazing girls get your miracle soon too.

I am on other forums that aren’t at all baby-related. I’m on a fairly small photography group for women, though sadly I haven’t been very active lately – too many other things going on in my life. I had mentioned there about our struggles (and found out that one of the women there has twins from IVF!). So yesterday I dropped in to let them know our good news. They are apparently so excited for me that they are talking about an e-shower for me! How freaking sweet is that?? Makes me feel bad for not having time for photography lately!

The world is a beautiful place right now, through my eyes. I am truly blessed not just with our little miracle baby, but with all the wonderful people that I’ve been lucky enough to meet. You may or may not know that I don’t have much of an offline life. My supervisor at work is close enough to be called a friend, same with my SIL, but I don’t really go out much, and I don’t have a “group” of friends (especially after moving to the U.S.). All my friends online ARE my closest friends. And I’m very, very thankful.

::

Also, I told my brother today. Via IM. I’m super close to my brother, but he’s 21 (22? Shit, I’m a crappy sister. I think he’s 22.) and… well, male.

[14:04] C: what ya been up to

[14:05] Me: Not much.
Oh, well, we found out we’re pregnant.
but other than that, not much.

[14:05] C: :-O

[14:05] Me: I got a bebe in my belleh

[14:05] C: lol

[14:05] C: not really yet

[14:06] Me: Well. It’s a multi-celled little embryo. ;)

[14:06] C: there we go

You can see which of our two parents he takes after. :lol: He’s going to be an uncle! I hope he realizes how special that is.

(In my family there’s just my brother and me, so this is the first grandchild for my parents, and likely to be the only one for quite some time. My brother’s nowhere near being ready to procreate yet. He doesn’t even have a girlfriend.)