How do you move on when others aren’t going with you?
Today I’m not really in a great frame of mind. I never considered how hard it would be to be “leaving” the community in which I’ve grown so accustomed to. After the initial shock and excitement of getting my BFP, now I’m realizing that a lot of the people who read my blog, who were aquaintances, will no longer be coming around. And I’m very sad by that. I understand it, don’t get me wrong – there were times when I couldn’t read pregnant blogs. But it makes me sad, too.
My blog here certainly has/will change. It’s about me, and whatever I’m going through. Right now it’s about my pregnancy, and it will hopefully be about my baby. My readership will change, I know that. Hopefully some stick around.
I’m still feeling… angry. Getting pregnant didn’t cure that. It made it sting much, much less… but I still find myself passing someone in a store with a bunch of kids and thinking how they probably have no idea what it’s like to struggle to have a child. The pregnancy groups I’ve been wanting so desperately to join are full of people who got pregnant on the first or second or third try. No fault of their own. But it’s hard to deal with sometimes. It’s hard to realize that, even though you’re pregnant, you’re still set apart from others. They’re talking about ovulation dates; you’re talking about egg retrievals and progesterone suppositories. People make jokes about sex and you reply that you didn’t have sex to get pregnant. It wasn’t even part of the equation.
Remember back when I started infertility treatments that I worried about getting pregnant right away because I would feel guilty? I’m still wondering. Even after failed clomid and IUIs and a failed IVF… I’m still sitting here wondering if I’ve suffered enough to not feel guilty for getting pregnant when others still aren’t. I still hurt so much for everyone else.
All I can really say is that I’m sorry. I know it’s not my fault… but I’m still sorry for every one of you who still are going through it, never knowing if it’s ever going to happen for you. I hope some of you will see me as a success story, as hope, but I know some of you won’t be able to. My blog rss reader still has all the same blogs in it… I’ll still be adding to it… and I’ll still be reading to cheer you on and lend a shoulder.
i understand what you mean about people not wanting to read the blog. you can’t change that. try not to worry about it. you should not censor your happiness. i recall how i felt when i was in our ttc bg. after i got a bfp i felt so terrible for the ones still there. after you left ff, i stopped posted in that bg, too. you will find yourself apart of a whole other community-pregnant and parents. what a wonderful journey you have in front of you.
btw, i had those twinges also. i always thought it was the baby implanting itself. i did not feel nausea until 6 weeks plus. i was very tired though prior to even knowing that i was pregnant.
i am just so happy for you.
Thanks Leigh!
You have no reason to apologize, hun! You should be excited about your pregnancy and as this is YOUR blog, it is not only about your infertility journey – but also what happens when your dream finally comes through.
I’m sure there will be days I won’t be able to read b/c I’m in my own funk. But there is NO way I could not see what is going on with you regularly. We have been on this journey together for a long time now and I am your personal cheerleader. I want to see you succeed, and I want to see a baby (or babies!) in your arms.
Please don’t feel guilty about “not suffering enough”. You went through much more than most and you have FINALLY arrived. Like I said in my pregnancy post, you now hold an alumni card :)
Love you lots,
Kristen
I can relate. I felt the same way as my blog became first all about being pregnant and is now all about baby. IF is still part of who I am, but it’s not ruling my life at the moment.
I always felt a little guilty when I was pregnant, especially around women without kids, wondering if they were dealing with IF. For a long time, I felt the urge to tell everyone that I was pregnant after IVF, as if I needed to justify my pregnant (and possibly upsetting to some) state.
Awwww, thanks Kristen. *hugs*
Michelle, I definitely have that urge… to put “IVF baby!” on everything as if to justify it. Silly what we do…
Nat, I’m so glad that you are finally pregnant! If you want to know anything about natural midwife-supported childbirth, you will find a kindred spirit in me. I’m having my 3rd next month at a free standing birth center (2nd was born in an FSBC too) and I’m a true believer! Good luck!
I totally hear you on this! I’ve felt the same way. Once you’re pregnant, the infertiles choose to not really “accept” you (you know what i mean…)because, hey it worked for you so you don’t know the real heartache anymore, and the pregnant/parenting crowd doesn’t really want to hear about how hard it was and how long it took, cause, hey it worked for you (and I feel like they want to tell me to move on already…)!!!! I’m here if you need to chat, I’ll still read your blog (and I’m local too!) so if there’s anything that comes up, let me know. :)
CONGRATULATIONS! I hated what you went through with this last cycle and I am glad to hear it is going a million times better now!
I think it’s sweet that you’d apologize, but know you don’t have to and know you’re not alone. Check this out, I think she’s feeling similar:
http://theunlucky20percent.blogspot.com/2007/08/now-assvice-starts.html