It is time for bed here, but I wanted to post and let everyone know how very much I appreciate your comments and support. You are all just so wonderful. It’s good to know I have so many people backing us, and feeling outraged on our behalf.

I’m feeling very emotionally unstable lately. Our trip to Boston really was wonderful for the most part, but there were some hours where we’d just walk randomly around, not even knowing where we were going, as I ranted outloud about the whole damn situation. Den’s a good listener. And he did a little bit of ranting too.

I am just feeling so… well, disappointed doesn’t even come close to the emotional black hole I’m feeling… about how poorly this cycle went. Last cycle was a total shock but we thought we finally had the diagnosis and the answer. What do you do when the answer is wrong? How do you handle that? Last time we consoled ourself with, “Well next time we’ll do ICSI and it will all be okay.” That was my mantra. At least we have ICSI. So what now? What happens when your miracle cure turns out to not fix anything at all? I am panicked. I am lost. I don’t have the answer to this one, and neither do they. If we do manage to somehow get supplimental insurance to cover more IVF tries, or we take out a second mortage or whatever, all we’re looking at is trying random things to see if they can increase our odds. There is no “this will fix it”.

And not only that, but quite frankly my trust in the clinic is shot. They let us down in a very major way, and no matter what “fix” they propose, what change in our protocol, I’m going to be constantly second-guessing. I was doing so well with just relaxing about it all and trusting in the doctor to do her job. I am always a self-advocate and always questioning, but I never imagined this.

So now I’m looking up other clinics. The next closest one, according to SART, is 29 miles away – that’s over an hour drive. And that’s the only one. Beyond that there are 3 at an hour and a half. I don’t know how we could pull any of them off, to be honest. I guess one hour isn’t too too bad, but driving in for monitoring would pretty much shoot my entire day to hell. And with only one vehicle… I have no idea how we could manage it. No idea. It really sucks that we have so few choices here.

Another option is switching doctors at the clinic we go to – there are 4 RE’s, one of whom runs the place (and I’m not sure he actually takes in patients). But then you’re still dealing with the same clinic, and the added guilt of switching doctors.

But before we can do any of that we need to have a discussion with our current RE and somehow find a way to afford another cycle. It was mentioned to me that I could get my own insurance through massachusetts – which is a mandated state. (Connecticut, where our current insurance is located, is also a mandated state but they allow limits placed on it, which is what we’ve run into.) Now this supplimental insurance could run us as high as $600 a month, but that’s still cheaper than $12,000 for a fresh cycle. And with my business bringing in a little bit of cash right now I could possibly afford to pay it.

Anyways, I guess that’s all something to worry about another day. I will be making the appointment with the RE (hopefully they can code it as a “follow-up”) so we can sit down and get some freaking answers. An apology. Hell, maybe they’ll actually surprize us and give us a discounted or free cycle. (Somehow we doubt that.)

I will be writing up a post about our Boston trip for my other blog, plus uploading and sorting through the hundreds of photos I took while there (I am not exaggerating – I took well over 300 photos), but that will have to wait until who-knows-when. I have to work tomorrow to get caught up, then do some grocery shopping and pick up a few necessities like extra pillows for my parents, who are arriving tomorrow evening at the nearby airport. I’m really excited to see them, and am hoping that spending time with them will help me put all of this out of my mind.