Thank goodness we got to see the gummi bear today, or it would have just been an all over not-fun day. I felt so sick – and not just nausea. I know that digestion slows when you’re pregnant, plus everything’s shifting around in there… well it’s been a while, and I was very stopped up. Things today were not pleasant. The ultrasound also clearly shows my ovaries being squished to a more oblong-than-round shape and being pressed towards my back, oh I can feel those. I don’t think they were still this big when I was pregnant with Devin… they most certainly were not this sensitive.

I most definitely feel pregnant. I feel very, very pregnant. And I’m totally thrilled and in acceptance about that. But seeing the baby on the monitor… it’s a little unreal. I just want to stare and stare and try to convince myself that it’s really in there… in me. With Devin I walked into every ultrasound fully confident that there was a baby, it was okay, and I was happily carrying it. Now there’s a separation. I know that pregnancy does not necessarily equal baby. My brain has allowed myself to fully latch on to the pregnancy part, but is much more reticent to accept this idea of a baby.

It’s only 9pm but I think I need to go to bed in order to be even halfway functional tomorrow.

[8w1d]

Today I have been in just a horribly pissy mood. More bleeding. I am so done with this shit.

After the bleeding incident 3 weeks ago when I had the first ultrasound, I thought to myself, okay, so red blood is okay. I didn’t have any more episodes quite like that (until today), but I’d spot just a little bit every three days or so – just enough to think maybe it wouldn’t happen again, then I’d wake up to more spotting. But, I didn’t panic – we’ve seen the heartbeat now, it’s been quite a while since this spotting thing started and everything is still good, so okay, I can accept this. I’m not happy about it, but I can expect it as how things will go this time.

Then today. Lunchtime. I’m out getting my food and I can feel it. I just think to myself, “Self, that’s just mucous, it’s fine.” Go to the bathroom. NOT mucous. Blood. And just in case you think I’m a total pansy (which I am, but anyways), I mean enough blood to soak my panty liner with a clot in it. Even then, I take a deep breath. No panicking. This happened before… sort of. Except this is more, and there’s a clot. So I called the nurse’s line and calmly left a message (although I think I added, “I’m just really frustrated with this!”). I reviewed my options in my head: I know they’ll probably tell me to come in to get another ultrasound if I want it, but we’re really short-staffed today and I honestly really don’t want to go in if it’s just going to stop again. I just had an ultrasound yesterday, for crying out loud. Everything was – and probably still is – fine. But you know, for a few hours there I’m wondering, will it stop?

It took a few hours for the nurse to call me back, and I was checking the state of things about every fifteen minutes. Of course shortly after the incident my bowels decided to move, I knew that wasn’t going to help stop the bleeding at all (I was right). But it certainly didn’t get worse. I didn’t have cramping (other than the gas bubbles that are ever-present). And it did seem to be trailing off. So when the nurse called I told her I’ll see how things go tonight and go in in the morning if I feel the need to.

At this point I’m just spotting leftovers, no new bleeding or anything. I’ve spent the entire afternoon going through my last day to see if anything I did caused it. Maybe the light lifting at work yesterday? Maybe scraping the ice from my windshield? Maybe it was just the ultrasound itself? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I know it wasn’t “stress” – yesterday was about as good as I’ve felt in a month, happy and reassured and hadn’t spotted in days, nothing to stress about. It stopped and that’s good, I’m happy with that, I’m relieved. I know from past experience that bleeding does not mean immediate miscarriage. I know that just yesterday my baby was perfectly fine.

I am just so irritated with the whole damn thing. I don’t know why my body is doing this, but it feels like some perverse method of torture.

Okay, I’ll try to make this brief because I really need to crash in bed. It feels like all I do now is work, come home, eat something (anything!), try to respond to emails before crashing in bed. Wake up tired, rinse, repeat.

The bleeding had pretty much stopped completely when I went to bed last night and there was no more when I woke up. But regardless I slept very poorly, on edge and having vague nightmares of loss and anxiety. When I woke up I just layed there for the longest time, not even wanting to get out of bed and check to see if there was bleeding or not. So I knew I had to go in. I’m sure the anxiety would have dissipated over the course of a day or two, but why carry anxiety if you don’t have to? Who is it going to hurt to go in and just get checked? My pride, that’s pretty much it. I wasn’t scheduled to be at work until later today, so I didn’t even have to take time off. (I just had to haul my ass out of bed, that was the hard part.)

I walked in feeling sheepish, sighing and shaking my head, but the tech is just so so nice. She knew why I was there. It wasn’t because I honestly thought I was miscarrying, I would have been freaking out if that were the case. But I was just rattled enough to need to see with my own eyes. The ultrasound quickly showed the little bub floating around in its happy little bubble. Looked more like a teddy bear today, upright (on the screen at least), leg and arm buds a little longer and splayed right out. Gave me a giggle, actually.

So yet again there is NO sign of bleeding in my uterus. Sac is perfect, baby is perfect, placenta is perfect. There are no hematomas, nothing. But she did point out some blood vessels near the entrance to my (closed) cervix that had a bit of an active sparkle. It’s down there that is causing me grief. I can’t really explain the way she did, but it’s just that my blood vessels are still adapting and growing and changing and they’re leaking a little bit, is how I envision it. I’ve been spotting off and on for weeks since this started, and I kind of got used to that, it’s stopped bothering me, even red blood is just par for the course this time around. But the last week or so I have not had any spotting. Now silly me I thought that meant it was finally done… noooo. Instead it was all collecting right at the top of my cervix, or in my cervix, clotting a little bit, and then yesterday it came out all at once causing me to freak.

What I’m going to take from this? Apparently this pregnancy spotting is normal for me, it’s probably going to keep happening for a little while, and it is NOT affecting the baby. That’s what I wanted to see, you know? And I know, I know – what seems like a lot of blood on a panty liner is probably a pretty tiny amount in the grand scheme of the uterus. I’m just… leaking. I hope it stops at some point.

The other interesting thing I saw today was that the placenta is very clearly anterior – it’s in front this time, not in back. It is NOT previa, not near my cervix, which is a good thing. It’s not that anterior is “bad”, it’s just that when the baby is small it cushions the movement so I probably won’t feel any movement for a good while – I’m not expecting anything until 17 weeks or later (that’s when I felt Devin’s first kick). I was really really hoping I would feel something sooner this time, with this being my second and all, since I know feeling it is really going to get me through this. So I’m a little sad about that, but it’s all healthy, and that’s obviously the important thing.

I do have a picture but I honestly do not have the time or energy tonight to scan in it. Tomorrow.

It’s mid-October and this morning there was snow. Not on the ground, but falling from the sky – and damnit, that’s enough. The problem is that our house heat is still OFF. This year we bit the bullet, took out a hope equity line, and borrowed the money to completely replace our old piece-of-shit-barely-works heating system. We’re also taking the opportunity to switch from oil to propane. The new system was just delivered tuesday and yesterday and today the guy was here installing it. Then we need to buy a giant propane tank and have that delivered and installed. Hopefully in a couple of weeks we will have a BRAND NEW 93% efficient heating system that will actually heat the house and heat enough water for me to have a bath. I know, I have high expectations of a heating system.

BUT! In the meantime we’re just using up the last of our oil. We really didn’t want to get hit with another $350 bill for a tank full of oil when we’re switching so very soon, so we cancelled delivery and are just coasting it out. Unfortunately it’s getting pretty… tight.

And that is why I’m sitting in my living room with a turtleneck, blanket, and electric heater beside me.

::

I’m still spotting, but much less than Wednesday, it’s back to “normal” – whatever normal is this time. Today I’ve been feeling stretching… nothing worrisome, just letting me know that something is going on in there. I was also not nauseated, which was a nice break. (It’s back now, though.) My calves are killing me today, they feel so tight and sore.

I still can’t get my mind completely out of paranoia-zone. It’s honestly a little relief when I wake up, or when I’ve been watching a good show for an hour, and I realize I haven’t been thinking about being pregnant for a while. It’s just to just… let it all go. I just want to sleep through this. Especially now I know it’s an anterior placenta, I know it’s going to be a very slow couple of months.

Today at work during one of my many bathroom breaks I just happened to glance in the mirror as I was slightly bent over, washing my hands. My belly pooched out against my sweater. I had one of those moments, those giddy I-can’t-believe-I’m-pregnant moments. I patted my belly and just stood there for a moment.

I know I can’t fully buy into this pregnancy like I did with Devin, it’s all much more tempered. I am just as happy and thankful to be here, but it’s hard to be giddy when you can’t really believe in the outcome. I probably won’t, not even at the very end, not until it happens.

But I can’t get THERE without being HERE. Even though HERE is really hard, I am on the path to THERE… to that healthy, beautiful endpoint… and that is really all that matters.

::

Thursday’s ultrasound.

Today was just a beautiful day.

Yesterday at work I was wondering how in the hell I was going to get through another day of work. At lunch time I was in the back, eating, when I heard the managers asking everyone if someone wanted the day off, we had enough people scheduled. People hemmed. I craned my ears and yelled, “Are you offering?? I’ll take it!!” I heard yelled back, “SOLD!” I was positively giddy for the rest of the day.

So today instead of waking up to my alarm and going to work, again, I instead woke up peacefully next to my husband, the bedroom light and bright, and we cuddled and talked for a couple hours before getting up. I forgot what a nice way to wake up that was. I forgot how nice it is to actually spend time talking to my husband – we haven’t been sleeping the same hours lately, which means no evening or morning catch-up.

Of course Den discovered this morning when he went to take a shower that our oil had finished out over the night and there was no hot water. No showers, no dishwasher, no clothes washer. Even that didn’t bother me.

Den headed out for the day with his brother, and men were banging around in our basement hooking up pipes and things, so I headed out to the mall. My goal was to buy some sweaters, but before I managed that I ended up purchasing socks, jeans and a candle. Funny how that works at the mall… it’s scary. I then decided spur-of-the-moment to get my nails done… they needed it, and the place in the mall is only $12. And then while I was there, even more spur-of-the-moment, I got my brows done. They needed it, but I walked out of there feeling very nervous. The last time I had my brows waxed was, ummm, early college. I’m still adjusting.

Finally I found some sweaters that fit nice, ate a quick meal, and finally left. Why is it every time I leave the mall I feel only slightly victorious and more considerably like I just escaped by the skin of my teeth?

I then went to the YMCA where I had a hot shower, since I can’t get one at home. But before the shower I took a quick swim in the small pool. It’s warmer than the lane pool, which was appealing to me, even if there were kids playing in the shallow end. I just floated and paddled around. I patted my belly and said, “See baby? Mommy’s floating just like you are.” It’s something Devin never got to do – I never went swimming when I was pregnant with him.

I got home just feeling so…. restored. I got sleep, I got some leisure time, I accomplished a small goal for the day, I even got back in the pool after over a month. I lit candles at home, tidied up a few things, played with the animals. I brought out my heating pad and turned on the TV. I just finished watching my shows and by the end I had a blanket covering me, a heating pad behind my back, two cats on my lap, a kitten watching from the doorway, and a dog curled up next to my recliner. You can’t get much cozier than that.

::

Amidst all of this – well amidst the whole week, I guess – I’ve realized that my work schedule needs to be adjusted. I can’t keep putting in 10 hour tuesdays and barely completing (and only getting paid for) 6 hours of work while I struggle not to fall asleep at my desk. I can’t keep doing “extra” work in the evenings. I think this pregnancy is going to be all about being efficient and conserving energy. And naps. If not naps, then long nights of sleep. (Which is still working for me. I have to get up once at 2am to pee, then I can sleep right through to morning.)

I knew I couldn’t keep going at the pace I was once I got pregnant. And I definitely can’t.

I don’t want to jinx myself, but my nausea has been a lot easier to manage the last few days. I notice some things really set it off, like eating too much (oh that is bad), milk (damnit), and salads (WTF?). But I’ve been getting through entire days without feeling much nausea at all… without throwing up, without gagging. It does start to creep up on me in the evenings, but it’s manageable… not like that hellish wall of ugliness that was hitting me two weeks ago all day long.

I could be way off base here, but I think my body is adjusting to the hormones a lot quicker than it did last time. It all hit me at once, with every symptom on the face of the earth, my body aching in the old familiar spots. Those aches and pains disappeared after about a week, but the nausea stood strong. Now I feel like that is settling down, too. It’s like my body flipped full-out into pregnancy mode, but is settling down nicely… where as the first time it took a while for it all to creep up but it just dragged on and took time to fall into a new rhythm. If this is the case I’m pretty happy about it.

Actually now that I think about it I’ve been having a lot more food aversions…. like, almost everything. I took this one frozen meal to work last week intending to eat it for lunch, then when lunch came the thought of eating it made me gag… I got Subway instead. It’s kind of weird to me, because last pregnancy I don’t really recall any aversions. There were foods that made me barf and foods that didn’t, but I never knew what they were going to be until after I experienced it. I don’t know if this is an early warning system or if my stomach is just being petty.

Of course the next two days will be the test for me…. Mondays and Tuesdays have been the worst days for nausea. Maybe baby just doesn’t like that job?

I am really hoping I sleep tonight. Last night sucked. Woke up at three, dry heaved, couldn’t get back to sleep because of the nausea. For hours. Ugh ugh and ugh. Of course I fell asleep no sooner than the alarm went off. But I got myself out of bed with the promise of an OB appointment this morning.

First she had to find my file. It’s an itty bitty new one. (I laugh in my head.) Sign paperwork, sit and wait. For 20 minutes. Finally I got called back by the nurse and led to… a conference room. No undressing for me today (and no peek at the bub, either). I was given that fun little gift/info package and we went over my medical history – family history, allergies/previous complications, any other physical ailments, all that good stuff. Then we start on the pregnancy history. “What number pregnancy is this?” she asked. “Do you count an ectopic?” I asked. “Yes, all pregnancies.” “Third.” First stillbirth at 36 weeks, then an ectopic, then this one. All IVF pregnancies. “Oh my,” she said. So then we went into Devin’s pregnancy and what autopsy said. Not in-depth, but the basic outline. I’m thinking (hoping!) that the doctor will pull my previous records and go over them. I also realized there’s a few more things I forgot to mention, like the placenta being small and the peri mentioning they’d want to watch out for that next time.

She brought up the flu shots, and I told her I did want to get them. I’ve already done my research and weeks of sitting on it, and decided I’d really rather reduce my risks of getting sick as much as possible. I then asked her if it was possible for me to get a mercury-free vaccine. I hate to be a bother, but I wanted to ask, you know? It’s important to me. Well much to my surprize she looked pleased as punch and said I’d done my homework and that in fact she decided to order only the preservative-free vaccines for all their OB patients. She showed me the packaging on the vaccine she gave me. I’m wicked happy about that – not just that I got what I wanted, but that they do it standard! I got my seasonal flu today, they don’t have the h1n1 in yet… but that’s fine with me because I wanted to space them out by a week or two.

I asked the quick questions I had.
* Colace for constipation: Yes, can do 2x/day, since 1 isn’t working too well, hopefully that plus more water plus fiber will do the trick.
* The heat pack that I’ve been carrying around everywhere with me: their advice to patience is to not use heat packs on the belly or lower back. But my feetsies is fine. (Yeah, I kind of knew this answer, but I wanted them to confirm.)
* Exercise and my spotting: She said exercise isn’t going to make me actually bleed more, given what my bleeding issue appears to be, but that it will probably make more come out at once and, given my mental state, cause me anxiety. So she recommended sticking to walking, water exercise, etc.
* Labor and delivery: She re-confirmed that the doctors and hospital will offer whatever they have, whatever the patient wants, but it’s totally up to the patient what she wants, they don’t push anything. If I want a natural birth, then that’s cool. My experience in labor with Devin supports that too, so I don’t have too many concerns about it this time around, I just wanted to double-check that the doctor wasn’t going to have an issue with it.
* Induction: I asked if the doctor would be willing to induce me once I’m full term and freaking out, if that’s what I wanted. Given my history, yes. The doctor would probably do an amnio to check lung maturity, but as long as it showed maturity then they wouldn’t have a problem with it. This is not to say that I have decided I’m going to induce, but I want to know it’s an option if I start having a major meltdown at full term.

(Funny observation: When I told her I was induced after discovering that Devin had passed away in utero she wrote that down, then moved to the next box in the sheet and wrote down “epi” and said, “With an epidural…” and I said, “Actually, no,” and she was very taken aback and had to scratch it out! lol I’m guessing stillbirth + induction does not usually end in any other way!)

We booked my first tri screening ultrasound for Nov 9, first thing in the morning. (I’m not exactly thrilled at having to get up that early on my day to sleep in, but on the other hand it’s good to have ultrasounds as soon after I get up as possible.) The nurse also told the receptionist 2-3 weeks for my next appointment with one of the nurse practitioners, I’m assuming for the exam and all that fun stuff. Well I got to work and pulled out the card so I could write it in my calendar and she booked me for Oct 28. That’s next week. I don’t think I’m going to correct them, it was their mistake and in my favor. Oh, and I asked her if she could do Monday or Tuesday, but no, only Wednesdays. I’m hoping that’s only for the first appointment, because I really can’t do all Wednesdays.

A good appointment, I guess, although I’m not sure how I feel about being a normal OB patient now. The nurse did tell me that because of my history they will do whatever they can to help me through it and if I need anything to just ask… but at the same time I’m now just a patient in my first trimester. Next appointment in a few weeks, ultrasound at 12 weeks, and off I go. It’s like I wanted to wander back inside and say, “But… but what do I do in between??”

I’m really trying to figure out how to get through the next three weeks until my ultrasound. I’m going to feel a lot better when the heartbeat can be heart by doppler so I can get quick check-ins without needing an ultrasound. But I have a few weeks to go.

After I had buried myself into bed, moaning, Den snuggled up next to me stroking my hair, he teased, “You know, I don’t remember you whining so much last time.” That’s because I didn’t feel so damn miserable last time!

Today the nausea wasn’t too bad… but instead I had a very upset stomach all day long. I stayed at work, even though I wanted more than anything to lay down and take the pressure off, but I wasn’t sick enough to take more time off. I just sat there, feeling ill. It felt like my ovaries were being squashed in a vice grip. A few times it felt like cramps coming and going and I frantically tried to locate where in my belly region the cramps were coming from: upper and sides. Thank the light I had no bleeding today or I would have ended up at the doctors. I’m pretty sure it’s a result of me eating cereal last night and taking two colace… digestion is moving, but something is upset in there. Gassy. Oh it’s lovely. I just tried to sit still and not move too quickly.

Luckily soon as I lay down it all eases up. I took a long nap after work, then some Maalox, now I’m trying to eat a snack. I’m hoping somewhere in there it eases up overnight. Because today? Yes, I was miserable.

::

My ticker is a day off and it’s pissing me off. Devin’s is correct. WTF? I can refresh it manually every day and it’s correct. But if I leave it, the next day it’s a day behind. Things like this shouldn’t be such a big deal, BUT IT IS.

Just like that stupid ass pregnancy wheel. The RE gave her an adjusted LMP (to coincide with my appropriate due date that they calculated by computer and ultrasound), and her wheel said I was due May 27. Umm. I told her that can’t be right, I know I was 9w1d yesterday. So she set that up and the due date was STILL off. I was all like, WTF. I calculated my due date on the computer and counted it out on a calendar, if there’s one thing I’m absolutely sure about it’s my due date. The ultrasound too dated me a day ahead because baby was measuring a day ahead. So when the nurse stepped out of the room for a minute I grabbed the wheel. And yeah, it was borked…. the lines obviously didn’t line up properly. So within 2 months it was a day off, 4 months 2 days off, etc. Ugh. I hate those damn wheels. They need to just use the computer and toss those stupid things out.

::

Some questions to answer:

“Will you get a scan next Wed?” Highly unlikely, at least as a standard appointment. The appointment is with a nurse for my first physical and exam. And from the way the nurses have said things previously I am guessing that they do not have ultrasound machines in their offices. Now I COULD ask to be sent over to the RE clinic side and have the tech scan me just for my own state of mind – she specifically said she’d do that for me. But I’d have to ask and I’m not sure if I want to? It depends what happens between now and then.

“Will they check the heartbeat in the office with a doppler next week?” I’m not sure. Possibly. 10 weeks is a little early to hear anything and I’m a little nervous about them trying and not finding anything – that would freak me out more than them not trying at all (but it would certainly be cause to send me over for an ultrasound!) I had a tipped uterus with Devin and they couldn’t find his heartbeat by doppler until I was 13 weeks. That may have changed…. but it might not have.

“Is this a new OB you are at now?” Yes, it’s a new OB. With Devin I was seen by Midwives. I liked the group a lot, I loved a couple of the Midwives. But this time I wasn’t sure that Midwives were the best choice, and decided to go to an OB instead. Like I told Denis, I’m willing to give them a chance and see how this goes, but if I’m not satisfied I’ll switch back to the Midwives. (I am not actually officially high risk, and would still be able to be a patient of theirs, and they already told me that they’d be sending me for ultrasounds much more frequently next time – but again, they don’t have access to an ultrasound machine themselves, they have to send me over, and that’s a major PITA.) So we’ll see. I’ll talk to the nurse on Wednesday and find out what their plan is and when I get to see the actual doctor. (There’s a reason I switched to an OB group, and it wasn’t to see nurses. I realize the nurses probably handle a lot of the routine intake and early appointments, but hello, I want to see the DOCTOR.)

::

So the newest Best Thing Ever is Oat Nut bread. OMG! So good! And so full of fiber! I’ve been eating lots of snacks with bread. I’ve never been a fan of whole wheat bread and right now I know I shouldn’t be eating white bread, so this is just fantastic.

What goes on the bread has also changed: I bought Smart Balance. And not because of me. My husband finally had a full physical (after years of me bitching at him to get one) and found out his cholesterol is dangerously high – his LDL is over 200. Great right? He has to go back to the doctor for a follow-up and may very well be put on medication that that. And we’re having to make changes around the house. It’s good timing, though, because I need to cut out the crap foods as well.

I know a lot of women take pregnancy as their free-for-all diet and give themselves permission to eat whatever they want. I’m one of the opposite. It’s actually the one time in my life that I’m able to actually eat healthy on an extended basis. I don’t completely ban junk foods – today I even had a small Mounds bar (mmm, chocolate and coconut…), but I try so hard to pack in all the protein I can – and this time all the fiber as well – that I don’t really have the appetite for anything else. Plus the nausea really helps me keep it all in check, lol. I just really wish it would let me eat salads.

::

I know I am behind in a lot of things, but I did put my 8-week and 9-week photos up on the belly pics page. (You can find the link to it on the right sidebar, down under Pregnancy #2.)

My stomach seemed to have calmed down considerably today – plus I wore my over-belly maternity pants, which took some of the pressure off. So I felt pretty decent today.

Sometimes I feel bad for complaining – even if I’m not necessarily complaining, just commenting on how I feel. But I think focusing on how miserable I feel physically is keeping me from focusing on how absolutely terrified I am mentally and emotionally. This feeling sick to my stomach I can handle, it’s just one more obstacle to deal with, just something that needs to be waited out… like the shots, the bloating, the meds-induced hormone surges. It’s all the same, but different.

I know with Devin as soon as I got pregnant it felt like I was there. I had fought the battle and won. I spent the entire time celebrating the victory and being “on the other side.” This time I most certainly do not feel like I am on the other side. Oh I’m a good step towards it, one foot in and one foot out, but there is no part of me that can believe that the fight is over. It’s not over until I hear this baby cry. It’s not over until it is born alive. We’ve won one battle but stepped into another… from fighting infertility to fighting stillbirth and loss.

I do feel myself relaxing a little bit, though, now that I’m 9 weeks along. Not that this is any kind of milestone, but the baby was big enough at the last ultrasound that we know it won’t just disappear. Weeks 4-6 were horrible because I just kept feeling like I would go in and there’d be nothing there at all, or maybe an empty sac, that this whole idea of a baby growing would just… poof. Like the ectopic. No baby was there, just the idea of one. Now we know it’s there, and it’s growing. I still worry that it will die, but that seems… different. Different than it just disappearing. It helps me feel a little more grounded, gives me a little more breathing room. I don’t worry that a little bit of spotting means that it’s all gone and washed away – a miscarriage at this point would be a significant event. So every day I can say, well, it’s definitely still in there.

I’ll say it again: I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be. I mean, I didn’t really stop and think about it, because being in the midst of IVF treatments you really don’t want to think that you’re stepping from one hard thing to another. But, like many things in life, it’s a lot harder once you’re in the midst of it.

But I love staring at my baby registry. It doesn’t have a lot on it, because most of what we need we already had for Devin. I just feel like maybe this time it’ll be completed. Maybe this time there will be a baby coming home to use it. We have another chance… and that is just… wonderful.

Last night I palpated my belly to see if I can feel my uterus yet – and I think this time I actually felt it! It’s still down very low and pretty deep, but I felt something that I didn’t feel last week. That put me in a happy glow as I fell asleep. It’s growing.

At work we all chit-chat about pregnancy now – of course with me being pregnant everyone talks about their experience and births and how sick they felt. It has always happened often – we’re an office of all women – and I always participated, but at the same time it was always a little hard for me. Today I just sat there as others were tossing stories back and forth and just felt happy. Not just included, because they’ve always included me, but able to participate mentally, emotionally.

In all the ways that this pregnancy has brought me anxiety and nerves, it has also brought me peace.