It’s mid-October and this morning there was snow. Not on the ground, but falling from the sky – and damnit, that’s enough. The problem is that our house heat is still OFF. This year we bit the bullet, took out a hope equity line, and borrowed the money to completely replace our old piece-of-shit-barely-works heating system. We’re also taking the opportunity to switch from oil to propane. The new system was just delivered tuesday and yesterday and today the guy was here installing it. Then we need to buy a giant propane tank and have that delivered and installed. Hopefully in a couple of weeks we will have a BRAND NEW 93% efficient heating system that will actually heat the house and heat enough water for me to have a bath. I know, I have high expectations of a heating system.

BUT! In the meantime we’re just using up the last of our oil. We really didn’t want to get hit with another $350 bill for a tank full of oil when we’re switching so very soon, so we cancelled delivery and are just coasting it out. Unfortunately it’s getting pretty… tight.

And that is why I’m sitting in my living room with a turtleneck, blanket, and electric heater beside me.

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I’m still spotting, but much less than Wednesday, it’s back to “normal” – whatever normal is this time. Today I’ve been feeling stretching… nothing worrisome, just letting me know that something is going on in there. I was also not nauseated, which was a nice break. (It’s back now, though.) My calves are killing me today, they feel so tight and sore.

I still can’t get my mind completely out of paranoia-zone. It’s honestly a little relief when I wake up, or when I’ve been watching a good show for an hour, and I realize I haven’t been thinking about being pregnant for a while. It’s just to just… let it all go. I just want to sleep through this. Especially now I know it’s an anterior placenta, I know it’s going to be a very slow couple of months.

Today at work during one of my many bathroom breaks I just happened to glance in the mirror as I was slightly bent over, washing my hands. My belly pooched out against my sweater. I had one of those moments, those giddy I-can’t-believe-I’m-pregnant moments. I patted my belly and just stood there for a moment.

I know I can’t fully buy into this pregnancy like I did with Devin, it’s all much more tempered. I am just as happy and thankful to be here, but it’s hard to be giddy when you can’t really believe in the outcome. I probably won’t, not even at the very end, not until it happens.

But I can’t get THERE without being HERE. Even though HERE is really hard, I am on the path to THERE… to that healthy, beautiful endpoint… and that is really all that matters.

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Thursday’s ultrasound.