MSNBC recently had an article on the overuse of ICSI. It even mentioned that, “sperm-injection rates were higher in three states — Illinois, Massachusetts and Rhode Island — that mandate coverage of the technique.” We are, obviously, in Massachusetts. I’m not so about some of the article – such as the higher risk of birth defects with ICSI… I haven’t seen research to indicate that, but then again I haven’t really looked up much to do with ICSI.

But it just makes me wonder. They pushed for a 3-day transfer even though we wanted a 5-day and were fully aware and accepting of the risks. Was it out of concern for us? They told us ICSI would solve our problem, even though it is obvious from past records that it would not. Was that a simple oversight? I really don’t know anymore. I want to believe the best in people, and up until this point I was pretty successful in just believing that the doctors would get me pregnant and knew what was best for me.

But what do you do when that faith gets totally shaken? Even if it was a totally innocent mistake, that’s still a damn big mistake. And how do we know that something similar won’t happen again?

So I’m pretty sure I’m going to at least have a consult with a different clinic to get their take on it and feel it out. Only problem is I don’t think I can do that until we have some form of supplimental insurance to cover it. Well, we could do it now – we’d just get billed the full amount, which is something I’d like to avoid if possible. I’m not going to enroll for any other insurance until we get the result of this cycle – even though I’m fairly positive it’s not going to work I would hate to spend hundreds of dollars on insurance and find out in a week I won’t need it. Den can’t switch his insurance at work until November (open season for insurance), so we either have to wait until November (and hope that one of the other options covers infertility under MA rules – which is NOT a given, because it is the government after all), or enroll me in a supplimental insurance. All before we can have a consult. Bleh. When did things get so complicated? I don’t know how you people in other states handle going through IVF emotionally and physically and worrying about the financial aspect. It’s just too much for one person!

And I do still intend to have a follow-up talk with our current doctor to hear what she has to say about all of this. If she waves it off and makes some kind of lame, general “we’ll get you pregnant!” assurance I’m not going to be happy. (That’s what they did at transfer. Now that could have been because they didn’t want me upset during transfer, or it could be an indication that they are not going to take this as serious as they should.) I do get the very strong feeling that, as a Massachusetts clinic where the vast majority of their patients are covered under unlimited insurance (or is it 3-6 tries? I am not sure) that they really do NOT pay attention to limits as much as they ought to. I really got that feeling about our second cycle… they very much had the attitude of, “Oh well, next time we’ll try something different.” We had to keep reminding them that our insurance only covers two attempts. And I really think a clinic in a different state would have had a much better attention to that.

In any case, nothing much I can do for a week or more. My parents are here visiting and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I have so much fun showing them around, watching them play with our dogs and cats, going out to eat with them. I really miss having them around. And I think the timing was impeccable, because almost all of my 2 week wait is being taken up by their visit. I don’t have time to sit and mope… I’m far too busy trying to figure out how to get my work done and still spend as much time as possible with my parents!

This time I am not going to wait until beta day to test. So sometime next week I’ll start testing every day or every other day. I figure a negative every day will help me deal with the disappointment a little at a time rather than all at once.

Symptom-wise I have everything I had last time, thanks to the HCG trigger and progesterone. Boobs are sore, mainly. It’s irritating, since I know it means nothing. And I still hate those estrogen patches. I’ve always hated bandaids.

My parents are still here and I came to bed early to type on my laptop and watch a DVR’d show. I have been using my desktop in the living room without feeling much guilt, but I find it really hard to sit down and write there, with everyone walking by and everything.

My boobs are sore. Tender all over, and super sensitive nipples. It’s real fun.

You know, there are problems when you take 2 hours to write a simple post and you can’t remember what you wrote about last time. I keep getting sidetracked with other things online. Can I blame this on the progesterone? (My hubby would give an emphatic, “NO!” )

I’ve started reading up on the clinic that is an hour away (though Den tells me that Google Maps lies – or that he speeds, one or the other – and that it is more like 45 minutes away, so that is certainly reasonable. We’re already driving a half-hour to our current clinic.) Their website has a ton of info on it, which I like. The doctors have a whole lot of awards and things in their write-ups… which could mean nothing, but it did catch my eye. They do appear to have a very extensive clinic, with “satellites” in two other locations (which are further away from us). They do nearly three times the IVF cycles that my current clinic does – or at least they did in 2005, according to the SART data. They have a very respectable success rate, though of course with our issue being “unusual” who knows where we fall in that continuum.

Den voiced his opinion that we should wait to even make an appointment with the new clinic until we get the outcome of this cycle and have a talk with our current RE. I want to make the appointment now. I mean, first off, as a new patient we’d probably have to wait a while to get in to see someone. And secondly, when/if we do get a negative beta I will want a second opinion, regardless of what our doctor has to say. I really cannot see her turning this completely around. Placating me slightly, fine – but I really don’t think she can undo two failed IVF cycles. I will want a second opinion. And in order to get a second opinion all my records need to be faxed over to the new clinic and I need to complete all these health questionaire forms, which take yet more time. So, come monday, I’m going to make an appointment with our current doctor (for after my beta) and then book a future appointment with this new one.

I do plan on taking a break after this one. Not sure for how long, but a cycle or two at least. Although I’m already feeling the urge to “hurry up and cycle again” when this one fails. I freaking hate sitting around on my ass. But I think it’s time to focus on some other priorities, like getting caught-up at work, and to give myself an emotional break and time to heal. And in that time we’ll learn some more and find out where we want to go and when.

I realized today that it’s Saturday, the new week is already starting. I’m just trying my best to forget about how it’s been a week already since retrieval. I don’t want to start testing until wednesday at the soonest. So la la la I’m not paying attention.

Right now (especially after reading A Little Pregnant – I told you I was sidetracking all over hell today) I’m thinking about records. There’s a handy little sheet that I can fill out that gives the 2nd opinion clinic permission to obtain my records from my current clinic. But I’m thinking, you know, I want to see those damn records. I want to see what was written in them. I want to see what I was and am friggin diagnosed with. I know it’s gone from unexplained to [maybe] endometriosis to poor fertilization to what-the-fuck-happened-there. But I want to see what they wrote. What category are they trying to cram me in now? I have in my files some of my original records from my obgyn when I needed to give them to the RE. They’re only a few sheets of blood test results, but I liked reading them for myself. I like having those numbers, having that confirmation. I really seriously dislike feeling “out of the loop.” I hate it when a doctor calls you and says, “Oh, that test result was absolutely fine.” Was it really fine? Was it borderline fine? Was it not-fine and your clinic misinterpreted it? In a perfect world you could trust exactly what your doctor says and never have to worry about it – and hell, maybe a lot of other people feel much more comfortable doing that anyways. I am not one of them.

So what I’m trying to say in a very wordy and uncessary way is that I want to get my grubby little hands on a copy of my records and photocopy everything for my own files. They’re my records, damnit.

And with that charming thought, I am going to bed. My parents are running me ragged with all this “sightseeing” stuff. And I think a bug bit me. It itches. *twitch*

Disclaimer: I know I don’t really have to write this, but I feel obligated to. Anything in this post is not meant to make anyone feel bad. You do not have to feel guilty about what happens in your life or what you write in your blog. To be perfectly honest the blogs/forums I can’t handle right now I’m taking a break from and I’ll return later when I can. I expect people do the same with my blog.

First of all, I’m feeling tremendously stressed out right now. My parents are here and I am trying to give them as much of my time as I can. I have really seriously missed them – it’s been a year since I saw them last – and having them here is truly more important than anything else right now. We are having a fabulous time playing stupid board games in the evening, and I know moments like that I will remember far longer than the stress over projects I have to complete for work.

However, the time I spend with them is time not spent working on the projects. I have several deadlines looming and I’m really starting to freak out. (Starting?) Why is it that taking time off only results in more stress? I am still working while my parents are here – I did take some time off with one of my clients, but I still have a part-time job and other projects that can not be put on hold. Life marches on. I’m doing my best to stay in control of my time, my projects, and my anxiety. I’m not so certain who is winning right now. This has been about the worst f$%@ing time to do an IVF cycle, I tell you what… if stress is bad for IVF success I just drove a nail in the coffin.

I don’t even have the time to read the new Harry Potter book. It’s nearly killing me.

We will be taking a break from fertility treatments for a least a couple of months after this. The crazy IVF schedule along with the emotional impact of bad news is only adding to the pile.

Today I called my current RE and booked an appointment to sit down with her and go over the last two cycles and what the hell happened. The earliest appointment I could get was September 7. I know August is just around the corner (holy fuck), but that just sounds so far away. I’ll be 25 when that appointment rolls around. I was 23 when we started this damn TTC journey. (I was young, remember. I’d be pregnant in no time.)

I also called the other clinic that is close to us. (I’m going to have to come up with a name with it. But I can’t think tonight.) I explained that we’re looking for a second opinion, that we’ve done two cycles of IVF. She said firstly that the doctors are currently booking appointments for the end of September/beginning of October. Secondly she said that normally IVF patients must take an IVF course beforehand, but she took my name and number and is going to ask the doctor(s) tomorrow if we can be exempt from that due to our previous experience. (Yes, thanks, I know what IVF is and what it consists of and all the risks, such as OHSS which I had a mild form of and even the very rare don’t-even-have-to-worry-about-it very poor fertilization. Well aquainted. Skip to level 3, thanks.)

When I told Den about the wait times he said, “Good, we need some time off.” Not exactly the thought that was going through my head. Yes, there is a [sometimes large] part of me that wants/needs time off from all of this shit. But there’s another equally large part of me that hate sitting on my hands, hates wasting time, and wants to just keep pushing at it until something works. I know that’s not how it usually goes. Hell, as a programmer I am well versed in the skill of walking away and coming back later to find a solution. But it seems so long. Waiting until October to even see a doctor? We won’t be cycling until November/December. Which we can’t even do, as we’re going to be away over Christmas. We can’t be stimming until January. Maybe the wait will be really good for me. But it’s freaking July! I won’t stim until January?! I guess we can hope that things move quickly and we get everything started in October, with stimming in November. Maybe. But that will take a lot of ducks aligning.

I’m definitely feeling like I’m heading into Very Cranky IVF Veteran territory. I’m not quite there yet, but if this fail is a confirmed failure I think I’ll cross the “line”. I’m not exactly happy about it. I feel completely shitty. But lately I’ve found myself reading about others’ IVF cycles and feeling terribly envious because they actually had 9, or 6, or even 4 embryos. Two months ago I would have cried had I gotten “only” 4 embryos. Now I can only imagine me crying with tears of joy and thanks at having that many. I feel so damn angry and upset that even in freaking IVF we get the crappy end of the stick. 1 embryo? With ICSI? What are the fucking odds? How is that even close to fair? I feel so let down and so heartbroken. How can we get two such horrible results in a row? We believed that #2 would be different. And somehow we managed to be worse.

And I don’t even have time to mourn. Which is why the time off is a good thing. We were on vacation when we got the bad news, and we didn’t want to let it spoil our anniversary. Now my parents are here. I have a ton of projects that need to get done. And I feel like if I broke down and cried now I don’t know when I’d stop. I know at some point in here I’m going to have to let it all out. But I don’t know how I’m going to feel better about all of this until I’m pregnant. It’s only going to get harder from here on out. We’re going to have to deal with insurance/money issues, changing to a new clinic, now dealing with an egg issue which could lead to more crap-ass low fertilization cycles, and in the meantime more friends – infertile and otherwise – getting pregnant.

When I stop and think about it all, the work stress seems almost preferable. (Though I could lower the dosage a little bit… I like being kept busy, but this over-the-top stress needs to get lost.)

And if it isn’t completely obvious, I have no hope in this cycle. I’m mid 2ww, I should have SOME kind of hope. I tested this morning, 9dpo, a negative as expected. I’ll test again in two days for another negative. I’m just counting down to the inevitable.

I thought I was ready for the inevitable with this cycle.

I thought I knew what was going to happen.

However I did NOT anticipate finding bright red blood at 10 days past retrieval.

It caught me so off-guard, I just sat there and stared trying to figure out what I was looking at. The last thing I’ve been looking for is bleeding. Last cycle I didn’t start bleeding until two days after I stopped the progesterone.

I am angry and confused. I am PISSED OFF. What the fuck is this? I didn’t miss a single progesterone suppository. I haven’t been setting my clock by them, but I’ve been taking them three times a day at the same general time every day (when I get up, around 3pm, and before bed). So what the hell is going on now?

And as much I was expecting a negative beta, my first thought was, “If there was anything there before, there isn’t now.” My body just hit the flush button. And I am irrationally angry at it (as if it is some seperate entity or something). I feel betrayed.

I think IVF#2 is henceforth to be known as “To hell in a handbasket and losing my grip,” because that’s exactly how I feel. I’m fucking done with this shit.

Okay, I called the nurse and left a message. Unfortunately she called back while I was driving my parents to the airport. I pulled over to answer but then had to sit there on the phone and answer the nurse’s questions about “how much? Did it soak a pad? Was it bright red?” while I’m sitting there next to my father. Now that may just be the most embarassing moment of my life right there. But, dad being dad, he pretended he hadn’t heard a thing and kept on talking about how it was good that I pulled over to answer my phone instead of driving at the same time and how that should be the law everywhere. (My parents know that we’re in the 2ww but I intentionally didn’t mention the bleeding to my mom, I didn’t want to get her freaked out. So much for that.) I can only hope that my answers were vague enough and that that’s all they heard.

In any case, the nurse said that sometimes the progesterone suppositories can irritate the cervix and cause bleeding – they “get more calls about it than you’d think.” Of course at this point in time that doesn’t exactly reassure me. But she didn’t seem alarmed. Especially since it seems to have stopped this morning. When I got out of bed this morning I felt leaking and I freaked a little, but (TMI) it turned out just to be some progesterone cream from overnight leaking back out.

So I guess there’s no need to freak out yet. 10dpo is a little late for implantation, but it could still happen. Or, more likely, it’s just my cervix getting irritated or something.

But holy cow, I never understood how much panic some blood could induce. All I kept thinking was that my embryo had been flushed out. I can’t imagine how I’d have freaked had I actually been pregnant at the time. All you girls who have to deal with that in early pregnancy… shit. I just can’t imagine. I’d be parked on the OB’s door screaming, I think.

Also, while I was on that phone call the receptionist from NewClinic called me back and apologised for not getting back to me yesterday but that we can take the IVF “class” just by watching the video online whenever, and she booked my appointment for August 10th. !! I thought she said they were booking for end of September/beginning of October?? Yikes. Well, this messes up the timeline a little, since I won’t have my consult with my current RE until almost a month later! I don’t know if I should call to push back the talk or if I should just go and see what he has to say. We can’t start cycling again until I’d say at least October, depending on finances. But I always like to know the plan.

If you can believe it, I’m even pissed that my body has gone and done this and given me hope. Every time I’ve had hope it has been a Very Bad Thing, resulting in some utter emotional devastation. I don’t want that. I was perfectly secure in my BFNs and knowledge that I was NOT pregnant, and now I’m sitting here wondering, “What if…” I don’t want to!! I don’t want to have hope! I don’t want to get hurt again! I want to read my Harry Potter and do my work and just not think about it. Fat chance of that happening.

This morning there was still pinky streaks of spotting, but it quickly disappeared over the day. Now there is nothing but prometrium. Even though it seems to have stopped I am now paranoid. Yesterday evening we went to the batting cages and driving range with my parents and I participated. (I did pretty well, and even won at mini-golf!) My shoulders are feeling sore today from using muscles that haven’t been touched in years. And I worry that my exertion yesterday somehow caused the bleeding, even though it wasn’t much. Today I’ve been staying off my feet as much as possible, taking it easy and just working at my desk.

Tomorrow I don’t know what I’ll do because I have to go to work and work involves lifting things. And there won’t be anyone there to help me, unfortunately. I guess I’ll just try to be as careful as possible.

Yesterday as I was walking out of my client’s office I was thinking about how blessed I am to do what I do. I am my own boss. And while that can be absolutely maddening at times (like today, when I’m both the whiny worker who wants a nap AND the slavedriving boss who won’t let up, and I have deadlines hanging over my head), it’s a damn cool thing. I get to walk into “work” as a consultant. Not an employee. People can’t tell me when to work. I say, “Next week I’ll be coming in wednesday instead of tuesday,” and no one complains. I may not feel so peachy about it all when it comes time to pay my taxes, but for right now I’m feeling very thankful.

Now to survive the next few days. I can barely focus on my book. (I’m not reading the new one yet, I’m re-reading book 5, then 6, then 7.)

I have a HUGE red zit right above my lip. It makes me look horrible and I am none too pleased with it. I can’t even wear makeup to cover it. (Makeup makes me breakout horribly, which would defeat the purpose.)

I had a bit of a trying day. Nothing major happened, just frustrations at work that had me really really wanting to go home and go to bed. Bleh.

Yes, I’m testing again tomorrow morning. I am not expecting a freakin miracle. This time – probably since I’m being so absolutely negative about the whole thing – Den’s the one pulling out the “What if?” card. “How do you KNOW you’re not pregnant?” He says. I can’t answer, because of course I don’t know for sure. My body’s all fucked up with progesterone right now. That may be the one blessing of IVF 2 week waits – while normal cycles I’m all excited because my boobs hurt, this one I’m like, “Yeah, it’s the progesterone.” No emotional tizzy. (Except the bleeding. That was not fun.)

So no more bleeding since that one incident. Friends are telling me “It could be!” and I’m all, “But it’s not.”

If my pregnancy test comes up positive tomorrow morning I will probably fall over and bang my head on the tub.

Holy. F#$!ing. Shit.

I peed in a cup. I dipped the stick and swirled it around and counted to 14. I capped it and set it in front of me. I rinsed out the cup and flushed and put it back beside the toilet. I picked up the HPT with an eye-roll and looked and…. wait, what? My hands started shaking and I looked again. I walked out to Den and gave it to him with a straight face. He looked and said, “Wait… there’s something there?”

HOLY CRAP. THE TEST IS POSITIVE.

ETA: Here’s another pic. That first one was taken only about 2 minutes after I peed on it! This one’s clearer and closer!

I’m sorry to disappoint those of you who were expecting/hoping for a beta result today, but my beta is tomorrow morning. And of course I’ll be posting as soon as I hear.

I’m really having trouble putting into words how I feel. I’ve been so freakin’ excited all day. I want to shout from the rooftops. This is amazing and unbelievable. There were many times throughout my day when I was just working along at something then my mind would flicker back and I’d sit up and think, “OMG, I’m pregnant!!” It’s a crazy, crazy thought. Every time I see someone congratulate me there’s this feeling of awe and disbelief that it’s ME they’re talking about. I’ve dreamed of using a pregnancy ticker for months, and then when I actually get my BFP I spent all day thinking about whether or not I wanted to put it up just yet. But in a nutshell I’m so excited and very very positive. That line is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.

Denis, on the other hand, is freaking out. He’s so excited too. He almost started crying along with me this morning. His hands were shaking too. (But not half as bad as mine were… I could barely type this morning.) But then you can see the armor come down and he gets all serious and skeptical. “Are you sure these tests are NEVER wrong?” I reassured him many times, but he still doesn’t really believe me. And even when we do get the doctor’s reassurance and the beta number he’s still going to be absolutely terrified that something is going to snatch this away from us. We’ve waited so long, tried so hard, and now that we have it he’s thinking of my friends who had a miscarriage and he’s thinking, “What if that happens to us?”

While it’s a little frustrating to me that he won’t let himself rejoice and dance around the house with me, I can understand where he’s coming from. I feel the fear too. I think of the beta tomorrow and just for a second there’s a flash of bright scarlet fear that this is all going to go away. And then I pick up the pregnancy test and stare at it again and reassure myself that the line is right there in front of me, and it’s a GOOD line. There’s no reason to think this shouldn’t work out. I am sticking to the belief that getting pregnant was the hard part. We had a fabulous embryo and it apparently stuck and I have (almost) every faith that it’s going to carry through.

Den was talking to me in the truck on the way home, saying how going through infertility treatments has really opened his eyes to all the things that can go wrong. Had we gotten pregnant in the first few months we would have thrown a party at that first BFP and marched along happily. Now we’re too well aquainted with being on the losing side of the statistics, plus we’ve heard a lot of bad stories as well. And I know pretty much every IFer has mentioned it at some time or another. But man, wouldn’t it be nice to be ignorant again? And just not worry about it? To just enjoy the pregnancy?

The comments here and on my several different forums is so amazing! I’ve teared up several times reading responses from friends. It touches me so deeply just how many people have rallied around us and prayed for us (even though I am not religious, it still touches me that people would do that for us) and waited and hoped and now that it’s finally here seem to be almost as happy as I am! I sat Den down to read all the comments here on my blog, and he was touched too. (Still guarded… but I know it made him feel really good!)

I *think* we’re going to tell the family tomorrow, when the beta comes in and confirms everything. But I’m not so certain how Den is going to feel even after the beta. The reason it’s probably going to have to be tomorrow is that we’re having a party here at our house (his Gram’s birthday) and family will be asking what happened with the cycle. I’ll let Den take the lead, it’s his family.

I was thinking about how to tell my family and it’s been more difficult. My parents left on Wednesday (of course, the day of my last BFN), so it’s very unfortunate that they won’t be here to get the big news. I could have told mom today – in fact she called just a little bit ago – but… Den and I had already decided to wait at least until after the beta. So when she asked me how I’m feeling I told her how sore I am after going to the golf driving range. I felt bad, but… I’m not quite ready to tell my mother yet.

I did think of a neat way to tell them. the problem is that they’re not at home; they flew to visit some of dad’s relatives for a week after leaving here. Previously I didn’t even have their phone number (but I do now, since mom called me from there). But my idea was to somehow get the phone number or email them and ask me to call them. I was going to tell them that I thought they forgot something here, but I don’t know what it is, then ask them to check their email quickly to take a look at it. And have that picture be my BFP, of course.

Unfortunately mom told me that they’re going off to some lake tomorrow all day. That ruins that thought.

Telling other people is harder. I *have* to tell my supervisor at work right away because I’m scheduled to scoop cat poop on thursdays. I can’t do that anymore. So I need to let her know as soon as I see her so she can schedule a replacement. I wrote her a txt message saying I’m pregnant, then paused, then deleted it without sending it. Didn’t feel right. I’ll tell her in person on monday.

Telling my boss at work seems different though. I haven’t really talked much with her about the treatments, though she know we were doing something or another. I didn’t know what I should tell her today. Turned out while I was there she was off somewhere else so that took the decision off my shoulders. I still don’t know what I’ll do next week, but next week we’ll have the beta number(s) and be in a better position to decide!

Oh, and my clients? Not telling them until it becomes obvious. There’s no reason to. I do not chat about my life with my clients, it is irrelevant… at least until it interferes. And since what I do is sit at a desk and type it shouldn’t interefere for a long time… before that becomes an issue it’s going to get very obvious that I’m getting fat, so I’ll have to deal with that when the time comes.

But anyhow, tomorrow morning I’ll get up around 7am to go get my blood drawn. We’ll get the call around noon, 1-ish. Hopefully before people start arriving for the party (which starts at 3).

And as for symptoms… really nothing much. Nothing I haven’t been feeling for two weeks. My ovaries/uterus are twinging and cramping now and then – could be a little more than it was before, but hard to tell. My boobs are still sore. (Yesterday Den pushed my nipple like a button. I smacked his hand and got grouchy. NORMALLY it’s not an issue, but when on progesterone? Don’t touch the nipple, dude.) Again, nothing that I could say was “different” in the last couple of days. No other weird pregnancy symptoms. (And honestly, I’m perfectly okay if the nausea decides to bypass me completely. I wouldn’t be upset.)

It’s still just all so surreal. It really is.

When Den came to bed he told me that the sooner he gets to sleep, the sooner morning will be here when I can test again. He seemed almost giddy. Nervous, but giddy. I asked him if seeing the line still be there tomorrow – probably even darker – will make him feel better. He nodded emphatically.

I didn’t mention, too, that today he’s been very protective. He would just walk over while I was working and lean over to kiss my stomach. He asked me if I was taking all my meds. When I told him about the DHA suppliment I heard about and bought on a whim last week (who knew?) but mentioned the cost he said, “So what?? Take it!!”

It’s kind of funny seeing him like this. Very sweet. I can tell how much emotion is all tied up in him right now and he is desperate for some kind of absolute “you’re definitely pregnant!” sign to “allow” him to celebrate. Whether it’s the second BFP tomorrow morning or the beta results, I just hope he does find it.

I went grocery shopping this morning, and it was a different experience. I felt so proud and purposeful. I only bought healthy things. When I picked out something to buy I’d think to myself, For me… and the baby.

I am being careful with the word “baby” though. And even “pregnant”. It doesn’t feel right coming out of my mouth yet. And like Den said, “I don’t want to jinx anything!” So conversations contain a lot of, “So if we are… you know…. if the test comes back positive…” I guess we’ll have to get used to it slowly.

I also bought Pregnancy magazine today. I was looking for something to buy – a baby toy or some kind of keepsake – but I couldn’t find anything worth spending money on. Not right now, anyways. Not like we need baby rattles right now. But I bought the magazine. It’s just a surreal experience to allow myself to read things like that. I also brought out my book The Mother of All Pregancy Books and was reading Week 3 and Week 4. It’s a whole different viewpoint now. I read things and think, “That’s me. I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby. For real. Not just someday, but in 9 months!”

You’ve probably noticed, but I’ve given myself fully to experiencing this in the best way possible. I was afraid I was going to react like Den and just be terrified. But I got this gift. This miracle, finally my two pink lines that I’ve been waiting for. And damnit I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to experience it. I’m going to let myself celebrate for once.

I just feel deeply happy… and at peace.