Well we have a virus going around our home, we’re all sharing. It’s not very bad – I just have a scratchy throat and a tickle-cough going on, it’s mostly irritating. Ember had a runny nose that has stopped, Kate now has a little runny nose. Ember is clearly not feeling well, though. I can’t say for sure that it’s the cold that’s causing it, it could be her belly or even her teeth (feels too early for that!). Whatever it is she is not happy – she wants to be held all the time, she wants to comfort-nurse constantly (nurses all the time but dribbles milk out all over and falls asleep). She also goes from happy and smiling to crying in the blink of an eye, and it’s her “something hurts” cry. I feel bad for her, but it’s wearing me out having a clingy baby and clingy toddler while I don’t feel so great myself.

Kate does not appear to be feeling unwell but she’s going through a whiny stage. She’s suddenly decided that she wants to sit on my lap and be held, so she either says, “Baby down!” or she flings all 28lbs of herself on me, heedless of the small child that is already sitting there. This leads to me shoving Kate off (because she’s whacking Ember in the head, Ember’s now crying), which causes Kate to cry and throw herself at me… I am less than amused. I will happily let Kate sit on my lap if she is polite about it and lets me put the baby down first (or move the baby to the side or something). I enjoy sitting on the couch with my two girls…. just not with two wailing ones. (And yes, I know they will be hitting and shoving each other for many years to come.) It’s just one of those times that makes me think that having two kids was not the brightest idea I’ve ever had. (I’ll note that this scenario has only happened a couple of times, most of the time Kate asks or we just all sit and cuddle and it’s fine.)

I never thought I’d say this so early in my kids’ lives, but I am so glad fall is here and school is starting! Obviously my kids are not in school, but I have learned that all the other fun activities around here revolve around the school year. Drop-in gymnastics was a weekly thing for us, and it doesn’t open during the summer. In fact all the playdates and outings were outside either at large parks or pools, neither of which I could accomplish this summer with such a little one. It was simply too hot for Ember, she couldn’t tolerate 95 degree weather, and I couldn’t take Kate swimming when I had a cranky baby wanting me to hold her. So sadly we didn’t really get to do much out of the house, and that’s caused all three of us to go a little stir-crazy. Now the temperature has dropped into the 80’s and Ember is doing much better with that (plus she can hold her head up and is interested in what’s going on) so I’ve been taking Kate to the parks. Much happier kids! I get bored and a little nervous watching Kate climb the big kid equipment (why do they have little kid equipment? I know the logic behind it, but they never explained to the two year olds that they shouldn’t be on the FUN big stuff). The only hard part is getting Kate back in the car to go home. I’ve sunk to bribery… at least until we get to the car. Then she climbs all over while I strap Ember in, I have to chase her around the car a bit (she climbs in and out of the front seat, making grabbing her a bit of a challenge). This, too, shall pass. (Someday. Someday soon. Please.)

I think so far the hardest part of having two children… well, okay, there are two hardest parts.

The first is that I want to enjoy each of them separately, I want to be able to spend time with both of them one-on-one so I can give them my full attention. Both of them clearly thrive when given that attention, which seems like a “duh” thing but it’s easy to get lost in the day to day. There’s always something to do, and I am absolutely not saying that from the perspective of someone who has a perfectly tidy house and organized life, I’m more of a making sure there are clean clothes and clean dishes and I can see my countertops sometimes kind of person right now. Life is like this: there is a diaper to change, a baby to feed, a meal to make (sandwiches – I told you, I am not supermom). I give Kate hers and get halfway through mine before Ember starts crying so I’m holding her. Kate gets peanut butter everywhere so I have to put the baby down (who starts crying again) to wash Kate’s hands and mouth. And so on. I get time with Kate while Ember is sleeping (but quietly, because Kate can be loud and wake Ember up, then we’re back where we started) – mostly she likes to read books and build towers and play catch with a ball. I get time with Ember when Kate is napping, but I like to get them both sleeping at the same time so I have an hour of peace.

The second is me keeping cool and collected when they are both being loud/crying. I admit it, it rattles me. I don’t do well with noise (which is yet more reasons we should not have more children, I know they each just add to the chaos!) and I don’t do well when my child is upset. So I find myself getting short with Kate when she is being slow and fighting me (limp-noodling when I’m trying to get us out the door or something) if Ember is crying. Or I’m rushing Ember because Kate just melted down. And I know I’m still doing a fine job, what mom doesn’t tap her foot and hustle their kid through a door, it’s not a huge deal. But at the same time I’ve always tried to slow down and approach life on Kate’s level, and I want to keep doing that. It’s just definitely a greater challenge now that I have more things to do.

My flights home went well, Ember sleeping through most of the air time. She did scare the other passengers, though – as I was trying to get settled in my seat and get her out of the beco carrier she started screaming and crying. Everyone was shooting “oh shit” looks over in my direction. But of course as soon as I got all my stuff situated and started nursing her she passed right out for the entire flight. As we were getting off a few people said, “She was so good!” The next flight she was sleeping for a while, then awake and watching everything for a while. Apparently she’s a good traveler.

I am super happy that she liked my friend’s Beco Gemini. I borrowed it for the trip knowing I’d need something for the airports at the very least, and I ended up using it at the mall and other outings as well. The body is low enough that she can just peek over the edge and she realized that was pretty fun. And then if she’s tired she’ll just put her head down and fall asleep. So happy about that! It made getting around super easy. Though I have a sore lower back now from the carrying and the sitting awkwardly on the plane, hunched over a sleeping-but-nursing baby. Ow.

I got home late at night so I didn’t get to see Kate until the next morning. I missed her! After she woke up I opened up her door and said, “Hi, baby!” And she replied, “Daddy?”

Kate is… well I’m not sure there are the right adjectives for Kate right now. She’s not as Terrible Two as some other kids are… but she’s got her moments. I am also easily frustrated right now, like when Ember is crying because she needs to be changed and fed. My blood pressure rises when I just need to get to the car, but Kate’s whining that she wants something-or-another and doing the limp noodle in a parking lot and just laying there refusing to get up. I didn’t really realize how much she listened to me until she stopped listening. Now she plays deaf and ignores me or else makes a run for it then throws a fit when I catch her to enforce the I said to stay there! I take Ember into my bedroom to change her diaper, since that’s where all her diaper stuff is set up. And every single time Kate runs in there, climbs onto the bed (thus why there is sand in my bed), grabs the babies things, runs around on the bed narrowly missing Ember by inches, and pulls everything off my side table. This gives me a headache. I would prefer if she just not go in there for the 2 minutes, but that results in her falling down sobbing just outside the door. Every time.

She just seems really spazzy right now. I really want to just have a conversation with her or hug her or play quietly – she wants none of these things. She wants to be LOUD and she wants to PUSH and she wants to BANG and CRASH. I need to take her somewhere she can do those things.

I am missing the peace and not-so-quiet of having someone else’s children running around making noise… but knowing it’s not your responsibility!

There was a time when I probably wouldn’t have considered going away with a baby by myself to be a vacation. The baby has been sleeping next to me all night – usually with my boob within close proximity to her mouth, lest she wake up to discover it missing and have a mini freak-out. She’s been in my arms pretty much all day long, napping on me, walking around strapped in a carrier. She’s on the floor for only short periods to look around and prefers to spend that time to stare at me and talk to me. The only time I have bathed is with her.

And yet this has been a lovely relaxing vacation for me. All of the above feels like a piece of cake. She’s only mildly fussy sometimes, but otherwise she is happy and quiet – babies are so much quieter than toddlers. I rarely have to get up, almost everything she needs of me I can accomplish within 3 feet of the couch.

It has actually been a lovely change to have her nap on me – sometimes I can shift her up onto my chest for nap time snuggles. (The only problem then is that I can’t help but kiss her head, which makes me grumble in her sleep.) We have been spending so much time together without interruption from a noisy, demanding toddler. (I love my toddler tons, but she is still noisy and demanding.) My free time is spent making faces at the baby instead of running off to make dinner or clean up a mess. I get to hold a sleeping baby while reading on my phone without fending off little hands.

So, yes, lovely. I miss Kate and I’m looking forward to seeing her but I’m still sad for this vacation to be over soon. I think it’s one of those cases where I didn’t know how much I needed a break until I got one.

Ember and I are currently away, visiting my very best friend (Kel). Kate is home with daddy. This is the first extended trip I’ve ever taken away from her – being in the hospital when Ember was born was the first time I’ve been away, but even then I still saw her daily. But at least Den had that experience being the primary caretaker for her so I really wasn’t nervous about going. She’s apparently having a great time swimming and going to the park with daddy, she’s sleeping great.

This was Ember’s very first flight and it went really well! The biggest mistake I made was bringing the stroller through the airport with me. I also borrowed a friend’s Beco to wear her, and she either wanted to be worn or held facing out. I ended up wearing the Beco, holding the baby on my shoulder, and pushing the stroller with my other hand. Yeah. Much more of a pain than it was worth! The first short flight was fine, the transfer was fine, then we had a 2 hour flight. I get on it and discover that I’m at the very front of the plane with a wall in front of me. Good thing for leg room, bad thing for my bag which ended up being put in the overhead bin. I didn’t have time to get settled so I ended up stranded in my seat with a hungry baby and no bag. I of course had my boobs with me, so I could and did feed her. But then she fell asleep…. and slept for the entire 2 hour flight. Great! Wonderful! Too bad my book was in my bag. 2 freaking hours stuck in one position holding the baby without a single damn thing to do but look out the window at clouds while my arm went numb and my back got terribly sore from being stuck like that. As a bonus, though, as we were de-planing I got a lot of compliments about how great my baby did. (I wanted to tell them all it was my boob’s good job.)

Since then Ember has had a little bit of an adjustment being away from home. I didn’t expect that because she is so young, but she seems to take it all in and she’s getting overstimulated really easily. The first day we were here she was very fussy and wouldn’t let me really put her down at all. Today has been better, she seems more relaxed to me.

Unfortunately since arriving she has had 3 total poop blowouts. Perhaps the Huggies are not working for her. I have been using huggies for a few weeks, but only when I leave the house (she’s in cloth at home), so I can’t say I’ve ever seen a big poop in one. But holy smokes, I have never seen such horror! Up the bag, covering her onesie, just poop everywhere! I went to the store and bought some Pampers, hoping that works better.

I am really enjoying spending this time one on one with Ember. I’m home all day with her but I split my time between her and Kate and it seems I deal with all the needs and never get to really just sit down and enjoy her. She’s being a big sweetie and I’ve been even getting some brief cuddles (which are rare from this baby!). Lots of smiles, as usual, and time spent just hanging out holding her. Spending time with another baby of similar age (Kel’s youngest is 5 months old) is also giving me an appreciation for her personality, her individuality.

It’s great spending time with my friend, watching her kids run around, just enjoying life as a mother. Sometimes I do find myself thinking I wish Kate were here, she’d have a good time… and then I will think about how much more work it out be with both kids and am glad I only have one!

Ember is becoming quite the little chatterbox. Her favorite thing – besides nursing, of course – is to lay in my arms or on the bed/floor/bouncer and smile at me while cooing. She makes all kinds of sounds… little “Coo”s, “Cah”s, “Ahh”s and “Oh”s. And she sticks her tongue out a lot. She’s very animated, and her smile is utterly adorable! We are starting to think that maybe she’ll be an early talker instead of an early walker. (Just us wondering aloud – could be both, could be neither, and not that it matters!) She just seems so aware of what’s going on.

She also strikes me as being pretty secure with herself and the world. I’ve said many times, Kate was very needy, she needed me (or Den) as her base of operations. She cried when put down, when in the swing, when in the car. It was hard to distract her with toys or things, too – I remember feeling very frustrated with her crying in the car because she just couldn’t seem to understand and she was just lost in her own little “want mommy” bubble… until about 4 months old I think is when it changed and she was occupied and happy in the car when awake, I’d have to look that up to know for sure. But Ember on the other hand… she’s already wide awake and watching the world go by when in the car, or spending the time intently studying her hands and feet. (I have a mirror, I watch her.) Kate got to that point eventually… it just took her considerably longer.

Grocery shopping today (with the husband – I did not attempt on my own this time!) she spent the entire time in the mei tai. Lots of head bobbing at first as she settled in, but then she was okay with just watching everything. I had to use one hand to pull down the carrier side a bit and the other arm to boost her butt up a little. She’s just too short to get a good view, and I think that’s what bothers her right now. 2/3 of the way through our shopping she got the hiccups and fussed for a bit, I bounced and swayed.. and she fell asleep. Success! This is what I like to see! It doesn’t hurt that now she can put her fingers in her mouth to self-soothe. So I think she’ll be fine in the carriers soon, it’s just that the mei tai’s body is too big for right now (but it makes a GREAT toddler carrier!).

Kate is still bouncing off walls a little bit, but we spent the morning wrapping pipe cleaners around our fingers and doing silly finger-plays. She thought that was fun! When daddy got home she immediately ran over to give him a pipe cleaner and said, “Daddy! Finger!” I need to find more fun little things to do, but it’s hard because every time I think I have something neat and crafty it only occupies her for 2 minutes. (But yet stacking her books will keep her attention for half an hour… go figure.)

I have always wanted a kid with my blue eyes. I don’t know why I focus on this one thing, but I was constantly checking Kate’s eyes to see if they were going to stay grey/blue. Hubby has brown eyes so I knew it was more likely that any child of ours get brown eyes than blue, but still possible. It has been an interesting journey for the past 2 years, watching her eyes ever so slowly change. I’m pretty sure they’re not done changing yet. She most definitely does not have blue eyes – I don’t think she ever did, they were very grey as a newborn. They got a little green in them, and a little light brown. They shift with the light, so some days they look light brown, some days they look olive green, some days they’re very grey. I think they’re gorgeous. In a way I see it as a metaphor for the whole child-raising experience. You expect a, hope for b, and get s instead! The unexpected always throws me off, but it can turn out to be an amazing thing.

So far it’s looking like Ember’s will go brown, though I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. I will always wonder if maybe Devin would have been my blue eyed boy.

::

Having two children has not been the huge life-altering disaster that some other people alluded to. It’s been pretty smooth in general, and I am extremely thankful that my toddler loves her new baby even 2 months later and that the baby is a pretty easy-going non-colicky child. I am aware that it could be so, so much worse. Actually my only complaint right now is Kate’s pushing boundaries which is of course totally normal 2 year old behavior and would be frustrating to deal with regardless of baby. (I deal with it mainly by taking a lot of deep breaths, reminders to myself that she is just figuring out her independence, and chocolate. For me. Lots of it.)

The trick that I have not figured out yet is how to manage two at once in public. I can take them both in the car just fine. I can take them to friends’ houses no problem. But a place like the playground? Kate wants me to help her on the swing and teeter-totter, plus she goes climbing up the biggest things she can find where she just doesn’t feel quite steady and needs my hand. Meanwhile it’s stupid hot and humid out, Ember doesn’t like being in the mei tai or sling, and she needs to nurse at the most inconvenient times. I feel like I either have to sit and take care of the baby’s needs (shade, nursing, sleeping in the stroller) and just watch Kate, or I lug Ember around helping Kate out. Today I settled for a little of both, and both left me feeling unsatisfied. Kate did manage to solve her problem for a little while, though; she walked right up to some random 8 or 9 year old girl, took her hand, and brought her wherever she needed help. Kate apparently has no problems making friends and getting them to do her bidding. It’s pretty funny, actually… she does it anytime she sees older girls.

Oh and Kate has apparently decided that she wants to ride in the stroller, which either leaves me carrying Ember in my arms while pushing the stroller, or Kate having a fit stomping her feet and refusing to walk while Ember’s in the stroller. I guess I need a double stroller sooner rather than later, because this is ridiculous. (And having Kate strapped in has definite benefits!) I really hope Ember starts to like babywearing very soon.

::

It is hard for me to process that we are done with family-building. On one hand I’m excited to start getting rid of stuff as Ember outgrows it – things I don’t need to store in my basement anymore, yay! I am looking forward to a time when the girls are a little bit older and can play together, when we can do fun things as a family like go to Six Flags. I am amazed and excited to watch them grow and become little people all of their own, to watch their personalities come out and discover who they are going to be. There is so much in our future.

I have been in this world of fertility and pregnancy and babies for so long. I’ll never have to go through treatments again, never have to wonder if I’m going to miscarry or even get pregnant at all. But I’m also never going to get that heart-stopping moment of a positive pregnancy test, never have that big secret to tell the world; never feel a baby roll and kick, never anticipate another labor. I feel self-imposed pressure to try to take this all in, to document every single thing, to try to hang on to it. I’m going to be that woman sobbing over her baby growing up, I can see it now.

I’m realizing that I’m still kind of angry and messed up from Ember’s NICU stay. While it was all happening I remember just thinking that at least she’s okay, at least it’s nothing major, at least I’m able to be here with her, at least I can pump and nurse, at least the nurses are great. There were a lot of “at least”s. Plus I was so tired and I had no idea what the next day would look like so I just lived day to day, hoping for improvement, hoping she could go home, hoping she didn’t have another episode.

But when I look back at it I realize it really messed with our bonding. The pregnancy felt a little weird to me all the way through – not bad, but just not the same as my other two pregnancies. I was really, really looking forward to holding her, feeling her in my arms, kissing her, nursing her. But I only got to hold her for a couple minutes after birth, then she was gone and we were left in an empty room wondering what the hell just happened. It felt like I hadn’t given birth at all. No visitors, no baby to hold and fawn over, no videos to take. Just silence. It felt way too similar to my first birth… except of course she was upstairs and alive and healthy. At the time everyone said I was being so strong. In hindsight I think I just shut off, went into emergency functioning mode.

I have known a lot of scary stories, of long NICU stays with very sick, very tiny babies. My baby was neither very sick nor very tiny, so I guess I felt it wasn’t valid for me to feel upset about it. But it was upsetting. A week-long hospital stay with no one really giving us straight answers as to what was going on and what we could expect was not what we had hoped for when I had such a lovely, easy, uncomplicated birth. An event that should have been full of celebration felt like a non-event. Not to mention how unsettling it was to come home without the baby.

When we did bring her home I had this 1 week old that I barely knew. I felt like the NICU nurses knew her and cared for her. She was perfectly happy being put down – it was probably the most familiar to her. It felt like I brought home someone else’s baby… like she wasn’t mine. I didn’t know her, she didn’t seem to need me at all except to eat, she didn’t even like being cuddled. It took a long time to feel like someone wasn’t going to come take her away.

Kate is both hilarious and utterly frustrating right now. The tantrums about every little thing are just ridiculous!

I had to take both kids grocery shopping with me today. I made a list beforehand since I knew my brain would be fried and I would be racing to complete my mission before meltdowns occurred. Ember went in the mei tai and then I took Kate out of the truck, walked her inside to the car cart, and strapped her in as securely as I could. (I am very glad she has grown a bit so she can’t just slip out anymore.) Ember blessedly fell asleep, Kate was chatting at me about foods that she saw, and I started thinking maybe I can do this… this is going to work! But then Kate wanted the bananas. I said no. She cried. I gave her the bananas. (Yes, I know, consistency blah blah crying toddler in grocery store. Bananas were a small price for quiet.) But then she wanted the lettuce. And the chicken. And the milk. And the bread. I said no to all of these… especially the bread. I was even trying to be good about it, saying things like, “The milk has to go in the cart. You can carry the bananas! See? Bananas!” It didn’t work very well.

By the end of the shopping trip Ember had woken up and was crying a little bit and I knew my time was rapidly running out with her. Kate was hanging out the side of the car cart in an overly dramatic (but thankfully unsuccessful) attempt to escape it. She twisted in her seat sticking her fingers into the cart trying to grab food and crying things like, “Stuck!! Bread!! WAAHH!” when it didn’t work. Then she threw an utter fit when I went to the cashier and started putting all the food on the belt. I’m trying to give my rewards card to the cashier, run my debit card through the payment machine, bouncing up and down to try to keep Ember calmed down, and trying to ignore the toddler that was sobbing “Out! Out!”

When at the car I decided got the food in the truck, which caused another round of freak-out from Kate when she saw the stroller back there and started yelling for a ride in the stroller. I had to lift her into her carseat (while Ember was still in the mei tai – I didn’t want to leave Kate sitting in the cart in the parking lot while I strapped Ember in), and basically hold her down to strap her in. Then I put Ember in her car seat, she started crying.

I got in the truck to drive home, both of them sobbing, and decided that I am never doing this again.

Denis is gone on a business trip all this week. Nothing like being thrown into the hot seat, right? Den was off for 6 weeks (crazy, yes), and then my parents were here for 2 weeks, so I’m just getting used to being on my own with both kids during the day, much less 24/7! I don’t think it will be too bad, however. 2 months in I’ve figured Ember out, I know what she needs and know that she gives me a lot more free time than I ever expected – which isn’t really free time, since I spend it with Kate. It is currently 11pm and I actually have both of them asleep so yippee! Ember doesn’t always go to sleep before I do, which is midnight.

Getting out is being a bit of a challenge, however. Ember is exasperating me a bit because she thus far does not like babywearing. She actually seems to do better in a stroller – go figure. Unfortunately in order to keep sane I need to keep Kate in the stroller when we’re in public or else she’ll think it’s funny to try running off… or do the opposite and stop to study the dirt for an hour. I sadly am realizing that I will need to get a double stroller. Sigh. I don’t really want to spend a ridiculous amount of money so I’m keeping an eye on Craigs List. If you have any suggestions for tandem strollers that aren’t fancy and expensive, I’d love to hear them. The stroller we have now is a Graco. Oh and complicating matters is that I now have Ember in the My Ride car seat, not the infant seat… so no snapping an infant seat into a stroller. (She didn’t like the infant seat much and would just complain.) I’m eyeing a double stroller that can become a sit ‘n stand type down the road, when Ember is big enough to sit upright and Kate is mature enough to stand on the platform. I’m not sure I have many options, given those requirements!

Kate is well and truly 2 years old now. Where she used to happily do what I asked now she’s either saying, “No,” and walking off ignoring me or just standing there staring at me, grinning while refusing to do it. The other day she dumped a bowl of cheerios on the floor. I asked her to please pick up the cheerios. “No,” she said, pleased with herself. I sat on the floor and just kept repeating that we were going to pick up the cheerios now. She stretched out her hand and grunted as if straining to reach them. Really, acting already? She tried changing the subject, she tried escaping (the gate was shut, so she was stuck in the kitchen with me). Finally my repeating worked. “Sure we can have X… after we pick up the cheerios.” She started picking them up.

Other ways the 2 is showing: The limp noodle is showing up a lot, and she is getting LOUD. Lots of foot-stomping and random tantrums. When she wants something she WANTS it. Now. In fact she now throws a complete fit every time I answer my phone. She figures the phone call MUST be for her and she immediately throws herself at me, shrieking and sobbing and grabbing at my hands, as I am trying to figure out who is on the phone. It adds another whole layer of awesome to phone calls, which I never liked to start with.

On the good side of things she is totally into bicycles, airplanes, drawing, jumping. My mom bought her a tricycle for her birthday and she begs every day to go “Outside? Ty-sickle?” (Of course that leads to her tugging on the front door crying when we can’t go out.) She loves to sit on it and she loves to be pushed – I made sure to get the kind with a push bar that also steers. Very handy.

Airplanes excite her, which is awesome because yesterday we went to the local air show! I figured she’d at least be interested briefly, but it turns out she was pretty much enthralled for several hours. I mean her attention wandered and she led Den all over as she walked laps around the tent I was hiding under, but every time a plane went by she stared, pointed, and said things like, “Wow! A-paine! In da sky!” Utterly adorable. Unfortunately it was close to 100 degrees out, thus me hiding under a tent, and Ember was rather cranky even after I stripped her down to her diaper and nursed her many times. Somehow I still got red shoulders even wearing SPF 50 and spending half the day in the shade… but the kids were fine, and that’s what matters.

A concept Kate has been working on is that of possession. She does a lot of passing toys to us and pointing out objects and who they belong to. “Mama wawer (water). Kate wawer!” “Daddy hat.” “Baby paci.” However when it’s mine she insists I take it, now. She keeps giving me my water bottle, even when I want it on the table, she just keeps shoving it in my hands like I’m an idiot who keeps losing it, ha. Also my phone, which is quite handy – if she finds it across the room she’ll run it over to me breathlessly saying, “Mama phone!!” And the baby’s pacifiers… yeah she keeps trying to shove them in the baby’s mouth. Kate is so attached to her paci so naturally she thinks the baby must desperately want hers. It’s very cute, but also frustrating because Ember does NOT like her pacis very much at all and we only keep them around for those emergencies when she is in a mood and will actually take it. So now I have to hide them out of view to keep Kate from “helping” me with that.

I have a twitter account, but some of you may have noticed that I only use it to read, I don’t post. I’ve tried to get into it a few times but every time I do I just get a weird, squiggly feeling and stop. It’s not that I don’t like sharing – I love sharing. I am quite likely an over-sharer. I have blogged for many years, I post on FaceBook daily, I belong to various forums where we talk about just about everything under the sun. So what’s the issue? I think for me it comes down to the publicity. Twitter is this big publicised machine and every time I try posting there I just imagine it popping up on all these random peoples’ computer screens. And why would random strangers care? Unless it was funny, and while I am occasionally witty right now my life is more about yogurt on walls than honing a rapier wit about social topics. Everything I read about twitter is about how to promote yourself. I don’t want to promote myself. I am far more comfortable sitting quietly in the corner, watching. I hate being in the center of the room.

As a teenager I would blog about everything on my mind, it was the ultimate brain-dump. Blogging was new, the community was small, and in a way it felt like you knew everyone. It was to be both an experiment in new technology as well as a kind of writing therapy. As I got older I realized how foolish it was to throw all my thoughts out there like that, to rant and cry and moan about all the things that a teenager rants and cries about. (I’m sure some of it was stunningly thoughtful and deep. Most of it, however, was not.) I realized that on the internet that stuff doesn’t just go away, it gets saved and passed around and talked about in public and private. I became more thoughtful of other people, and more thoughtful of myself too. I’ve become a lot more protective of my words and thoughts.

But I feel like now I’ve swung too far… that I’m afraid of having a public opinion. Maybe afraid is too strong a word…. maybe it’s just that I don’t have the time or energy to endlessly debate things. Maybe I’ve seen too much negativity and resentment and anger. FaceBook doesn’t help matters at all. I am so tired of seeing not-funny snarky images, “It’s my right to have my opinion and say whatever I want” posts, and long comment chains of seethingly angry people who don’t even read the damn facts before jumping into the debate. I usually don’t even bother anymore. It’s become a cacophony of opinions and I just want to shut my ears. I’m going to have to start unfriending/unsubscribing people; my time is limited and I get angry that I spend any of it feeling pissed off for 5 minutes about something someone posted.

Yes, I have changed – but so has the online world. As addicted as I still am (my phone is usually in my hand, pulling up facebook and sending emails back and forth with friends) a part of me really wants to step away from it all. Or rather, to use it as the tool it was meant to be, and stop being sucked in by all the rest of it. I love being able to post photos of my kids so that my relatives can get a closer look at our lives from so far away. I love that I can hold conversations with my best friends any time of day or night. I love that I can look up news and information as I need it. I really don’t like feeling like I need to avoid posting anything of substance because of the inevitable crankiness and debate. (Not everything in life needs to be a debate!)

Blogging used to be a huge source of relief and healing for me. Obviously this particular blog has changed because my life situation has changed, and I am content with that – I want and need a place to document my children’s lives, to share with friends and family and to save for posterity. Documenting this stage is very important to me. But at the same time I have lost my outlet. I no longer really have a place to think out loud – and in this online world I don’t know that I will ever feel fully comfortable thinking outloud in a public place anyways.