Today Kate said to me, “Udder room? In.. in kitsen!” She wanted me to go in the kitchen with her.

I’ve noticed she’s telling me a lot of stories now, describing things she sees and what she knows. She’ll talk about the airplane flying in the sky, or the green trees, or how the dog is barking. She also tells me thinks she wants, like cereal with milk, or to go in the car to see so-and-so. The phrases and descriptions are just flying now! It’s amazing how much more she is verbally communicating.

She can sing along with us with Twinkle Twinkle and the ABCs. She’s now singing most of the words – not all correct, but she’s got a lot of it down!

She is singing the notes to her piano. It has 8 notes (as numbers 1-8), one octave. She now understands that each note gets progressively higher pitched and now she’s trying to emulate it. I love that she is learning some music skills!

At playgroup on Friday we did some dancing and movement to kids songs. Last year Kate didn’t really follow much, she just did her own thing. This time she was totally into it and was wholeheartedly hopping like a bunny, shaking her bum, whatever the leader did she did too – with gusto! She was cracking everyone up with her enthusiasm. I’m thinking it’s time to try a structured class or two!

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Meanwhile, Ember is turning into a big little baby. She’s still smiling and happy, and she’s generally pretty quiet. At a family BBQ family was again asking me, “Does she ever cry??” She was passed around to the grandmas, carried around and sat on laps and only complained when she was hungry. She really enjoying being around people and watching everything.

She seems more cuddly than she was the first couple months, a fact I am very appreciative of! She still doesn’t care to be facing in trapped against my chest, but now that she can lift her head and look around she doesn’t immediately freak out about it either. Facing in or out I sneak in a lot of kisses and she lets me. :)

Reclining is no longer an option for this kid. Bouncer? Limited. She wants to be sitting up in our lap or held upright or standing in the exersaucer. I already took out the pillow behind her! She has enough trunk control that she is fine standing, and I notice she is actually standing up, not just sitting there. If I provide stability so she doesn’t fall over she can and does stand on her own. It’s looking like she’s going to be another early walker like Kate was – Kate was showing the same standing preferences.

She does still love the swing, however. She’s discovered the mirror above her in the mobile and she is ridiculously adorable as she coos and smiles and kicks her legs excitedly as she talks to her reflection. It still works for naps, too – if she’s tired she’ll fall asleep. I let her nap in it for the morning nap and the evening nap, but for the mid-day nap I’ve been putting her to bed in our bedroom at the same time that Kate takes her nap. The quiet allows both kids to get a pretty good sleep! I’m nursing Ember to sleep on our bed, but she’s easy to then move or just get up and leave. Even if her eyes are open watching me, if she’s sleepy enough she’ll just get comfortable and fall asleep.

We took the girls to the zoo on Monday, but instead of one of the small local ones we went to a larger one that is an hour and a half drive away.

Kate really seemed to enjoy herself, pointing out the animals (horray, she noticed there are animals!). She also seemed to enjoy climbing large decorative rocks about as much as looking at the animals. There were rides, of which Kate could only go on two plus the bounce house, but that was enough for her anyways. This time we bought her an unlimited ride wristband so she could go on as many times as she wanted to avoid the meltdown at the end of the ride and while it wasn’t a bad idea she didn’t seem to really need it this time, she was happy to go off in search of the next best thing.

There was a dog show that I wanted to see and walking up to the stage area Kate started shouting, “a-coo! A-coo!” I had no idea what she was talking about until she ran over to a sign and pointed, “A CWOO!” she said insistently and tapped a big paw print. Ah-ha! A clue! She’s been watching Blues Clues lately. She was so excited to find a clue, I think it made her day, ha! Of course the dog show itself held her attention for less than 5 minutes, but whatever.

We rode on a “train” in the woods and got to see a bunch of elk up close and personal. Kate didn’t want to sit still so she alternated between sitting on the seat and sitting on daddy’s lap, which was fine. Ember had fallen asleep in my [borrowed] Beco carrier before the train ride so I left her in it, expecting her to wake up halfway through and be thoroughly ticked off. Nope! The kid slept through the entire thing, and continued sleeping after we got off!

We timed the drive so that Ember was ready for her first nap for the drive there, which worked out perfectly. Kate was awake the whole time and I had food and my phone ready as distractions if she started getting cranky, but she was great! Then on the ride home it was a bit trickier because Ember had taken such a long nap in the Beco. Kate was way past her nap time and needed to sleep but we waited for a while until Ember started showing signs of being mellow again, then we packed up and left. Kate fell asleep almost as soon as I put her in the car seat… handed her a paci and she just slumped and there was not a twitch or peep from her until we got home. Ember was awake for a good while and then she too fell asleep for a while, then woke up and hung out for a bit. She only started grumping about 2 minutes from our house. What successful timing!! I’m encouraged that we can do longer day trips now if we want to!

I remember reading on more than one occasion that no child is raised the same as another child (as it pertains to behavioral theory and nature vs. nurture and all that). I understood that logically, factually, but it didn’t really make full sense to me, I mean if kids are raised in the same house with the same parents and same values and such. My gut said it was pretty much the same. I didn’t fully appreciate just how different it would be until I had two kids.

Yes we are the same parents and this is the same house, but what a different experience it is to have only one live child as a baby as compared to having a baby when you have a toddler. There is so much more noise and bustle and things to do; more demands on mom and dad, less time for sitting and relaxing. The house looks totally different than it did when Kate was little as it is now cluttered with all kinds of toddler toys; what do you want to bet Ember wants to play with all those rather than the silly baby toys. The routine, too, is totally different. With Kate I made it all up as I went along, adapting our outings and daily lives around her naps and needs. This time, well, Kate takes precedence – she only gets one nap a day so by default is is the most important, Ember’s naps can and will fluctuate around that. Our outings are mostly for Kate, Ember is happy observing whatever goes on.

It’s now quite easy for me to see why there are certain similarities between first borns and youngest children – the family dynamics shift each each kid, adapting to the new structure. The older child has to become a little more independent, to do things themselves when they are capable; the youngest gets shlepped around and hopefully is okay with being put down while mama chases after a toddler or makes lunch.

I’m not saying it’s bad – far from it. It’s full, it’s different. You lose some one-on-one time with the kids, but gain the interaction between them. I find it fascinating from a scientific viewpoint.

2am Kate wakes up sobbing. Well I’m up anyways for some stupid reason, so why not have her join the party. I have to lay on the couch with her until she calms down, then I let her watch TV while I finish up a few things. (Yes, I’m such a night owl that I was in fact working on some projects and tidying up at 2am.)

Finally it’s time for bed, which I tell her. She walks down the hall to her bedroom and climbs up on her bed. I put the blanket over her and try skipping the song (Twinkle Twinkle), but she calls me on it: “Siiinngggggg!” I sing then turn on her Violet and kiss her on the forehead and say goodnight. As I close the door behind me I hear her call out, “Ni-night, Mama!”

Melts my heart. Even at 3am.

I do a lot of writing about what the girls are doing, how they behave, what they are learning. I realized that I do very little writing about what is going on in the world around us. I want to get back to writing for me – my thoughts, my life, my opinions. I feel a little broken, though. I’ve become a lot more sensitive in the past few years, a lot less able to take a stand and hold an opinion. I don’t know why that is – I thought it would go the other way, but I’ve lost some confidence and conviction. It’s really bothering me right now and I need to find a way to get it back. I am unsure what I am going to do with this blog, either have everything here together or move the kids’ updates elsewhere. I just don’t know.

The other thing I thought about is how neat it would be for the girls to one day be able to look back at our life in the bigger picture, to see history unfold through our family’s eyes. Of course maybe they won’t care, but I always err on the side of writing everything down. I feel like I’m a hoarder of memories. I relentlessly toss stuff from my house but I keep every picture and note and journal. I know I won’t likely ever need the info, and the most the girls will do is compare their children to their own development, but I just feel like I need to have it just in case.

Ember is really starting to show some spunk. She has been a pretty easy going baby thus far, even too much for my liking! But she’s working on some new developments and has worked out some truths about this world.

Such as: mama comes when I cry. I’ll hear the “I’m awake and bored and I think I am maybe a little uncomfortable here” cry, and I’ll start hurrying with whatever I’m doing. But recently instead of just continuing the whines she will suddenly start really really angrily screaming, as if saying WTF mom, where are you?! I’m waiting here!! She gets herself all worked up in a short amount of time and then has to nurse. Even if she’s not hungry. And then her brain resets and she smiles at me and blows bubbles.

Another thing she has figured out: There are fun things that her body can’t do yet. No longer is she content to just lay in the crook of my arm and look around at all the pretty colors. She’s now doing crunches and making “GrrrrRARRRRRRRR!” sounds as she’s trying to pull herself into a sitting position… except, you know, she can’t sit. Today she was getting really frustrated because she didn’t want to be held on my lap, she didn’t want to lay down, but obviously if I sat her up and let go she’d topple over and then that would piss her off too. She also gets really growly when she’s grabbing at things and apparently they aren’t doing what she wants them to do or something – I’m not really sure, I just know she’s grabbing her toy over and over and then out of nowhere she just starts howling.

I’m getting the nagging feeling that I am going to have another early walker on my hands. Just a hunch. Maybe I’m wrong. Actually, scratch that, this is Ember we’re talking about here…. I’m not going to make any guesses about what she will or won’t do!

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I finally caved and bought a double stroller. I got the new Graco Ready2Grow because of the second seat: it faces you instead of facing forward, and it’s removable so the stroller becomes a sit-and-stand. At the very least we can use it at day-long events like air shows, fairs and amusement parks. I think I’m going to end up using it more than that, though, because Ember really seems to like riding in it. This is weird to me because Kate much preferred to be worn close to my body than set in a stroller. Ember is okay with being worn for brief stretches, but for any kind of longer excursion she really wants to be put down. We went to a fair yesterday and Ember was so good! She was happy even when we were ignoring her because Kate was tantruming, she only really cried when she needed to be changed or fed.

So yeah, Kate’s day at the fair was not what I had hoped for. It wasn’t even the fair itself, she woke up in a miserable mood after her nap and it just never got better.

There were two rides that she was tall enough to go on, and I was so excited about it – and nervous. I put her up on a ride-on motorcycle and did up the safety strap. It was pretty loose. We had to sit and wait for other kids to get on the ride and Kate was fidgeting and fussing with the buckle and started saying, “Down! Down!” I was having all these visions of her trying to crawl off the ride while it was moving, or her throwing a fit before it even started, but we managed to keep her sitting there until they started the ride. And then? She had FUN!! She was unsure at first and then she started cracking a smug little smile.

But then… uber meltdown when she was told the ride was over. We let her go on the ride a couple more times later on, and every time she would freak out kicking and sobbing and screaming “MOTORCYCLE!!” While I would have happily stayed and hung out longer at the fair it was ridiculous behavior so we left. But at least we had some fun for a while.

On the eve of my birthday I lay here in bed next to my littlest one, listening to her breathe. Every once in a while she nuzzles me or stretches her hand out on my chest. It is dark, a window open; it is quiet except for the sound of the fan. Her long hair tickles my nose as I kiss the top of her head.

I think to myself, what more could I ask for my birthday. This, right here, is bliss. Not esctatic, crazy excitement but just the simple joy of being a mother. A quiet life, a happy life. Warmth.

I have been thinking about Devin a lot, trying to include him in my day to day. I think of him today, how he brought me hope and joy and motherhood. I am thankful for him just as much as I am for my girls.

Life is often not what you expect, is it. I never would have thought that I would be happy for my life after all the sorrows. I never would have thought a lot of things… like Ember. So unexpected, so perfect in her own way.

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30 is a lot of years. Well not a lot, but still. I am not quite sure how this happened.

I have to ask, though: do you ever really feel like an adult? Maybe I just need to get used to this 30 thing.

I am going through a bunch of stuff right now. I don’t think I ever posted these pics, but they are too cute not to share. :)

Hey look at this! Fastest Rising Baby Names, guess who is on that list under “More girls on the rise”? I find that funny because before we chose Ember the only person we’d ever heard of with that name was someone Den went to elementary school with (many many years ago!). We just liked it, it suited us and our family. Now when people ask what her name is and I tell them I get a lot of, “Oh, my neice/cousin/friend of a friend just named their baby that!” Okay maybe not a lot, but it happens far more than I expected. Go figure!

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Ember wants to be entertained. Here I thought I was going to have an itty bitty baby, I could sit her on my lap and do whatever I wanted! Fail. She wants my attention and she wants to talk. She’ll be squawking as I carry her around the house on my hip but when I put her down on the bed to change her she gives me a big smile, blows bubbles, and babbles some sounds at me. Well that fixed it, mama! Let me show you what I can do! I have to say, she’s a very charming child. Anyone at all looks at her she’s all cute smiles and coos.

I am so happy that things feel so much more normal with her now! It did take a while to bond with her and sort through the fear and weirdness. But now I can’t help but giving her little kisses on the top of her head all day long (why are their heads so soft and kissable?!) and I just feel at ease. I know her little quirks and personality now, I know the faces she makes, I know how she gets a rash from disposable diapers. I know that kissing her on her belly gets a huge smile and she just started a “Heh heh heh!” laugh. When she’s being a grouch I know which voice is her annoyed whine and when it’s about to get serious. She makes me smile a lot. I’m so glad she decided to land in my life and shake me up a bit.

(Yes, she gets a rash from disposable diapers. For a long while I was doing cloth at home and sposies when we went out and she had a rash that kept coming and going – red and dry skin and very angry-looking. I started using creams to combat it. Then I went on vacation and took only sposies. She started getting red on the plane, and it got worse by the time I arrived. That afternoon it looked horrible! The entire time I was there I was slathering on moisturizer and diaper cream. I ended up using some of my friend’s cloth diapers and would see an improvement. When I got home I put her in the cloth full time and it’s gone. She does get red when she’s wet and sitting in it, but it’s just red, not bumpy and dry and flakey.)

The problem with Kate’s sleep schedule is that she is just like me: left to our own devices both bedtime and wake time slips later and later. It sounds like a good thing that we do the same thing, but it’s bad – I need someone to keep me on track! These 10am mornings make me late for everything, pushes nap time way late, and, worst of all, results in me being wide awake at 1am. I need to start setting my alarm, but in the past that plan has failed me because I half wake up, realize I have no actual reason to get out of bed and doesn’t more sleep sound nice? Then I turn off the alarm and fall back asleep. (This has been my problem since I was a child, staying up late to read and refusing to wake up in the morning. Kate follows in my footsteps here.)

Kate has had a couple of great days. I’ve made a point to get out of the house and give her my full attention and it has resulted in a much happier, nicer child. She has been very sweet, very interactive, and throwing far less tantrums. Though I suspect a large part of her attitude was just a phase, we all weren’t feeling well and she does have those weeks where behavior is just not typical. In any case I am happy we are back on track!

She is starting to do more imaginative play. Today her Elmo doll was swinging, climbing, and needed a diaper change. At home she’s been bringing her dishes to me to “eat” and “drink” and at the children’s museum today she used the play food to make a sandwich. It’s so interesting watching them mimic and act things out. She continues to add to her vocabulary and it’s fun listening to her describe everything in her own perspective now.

Poor Ember on the other hand is just not having a good time at all this week. At first I thought she was getting sick, as she did have a runny nose for a couple days. But now that’s gone, Kate and I are no longer even a little sick, and Ember is still a very cranky baby. I am thinking she hit the 3 month growth spurt. She’s crying a lot more than usual, and it will just come out of nowhere – her body movements and the type of cry make me think pain. Nothing really makes her happy right now except nursing, so she’s spending a lot of time at the boob without really eating a lot. She wants to be held all the time, she’s not at all happy being left in the bouncer, and even when she’s fallen asleep I’ll put her in the swing and she’s awake crying 10 minutes later. I feel so bad for her, I’m giving her lots of snuggles and kisses. Luckily she’s still sleeping at night fine, just nursing more than usual which isn’t a big deal for me. If she needs to sleep snuggled up to me so be it. I’m just not used to her being clingy!

I did bring out the exersaucer today for the first time. Kate thought it was her toy and was crawling in and on it, of course. But while Kate was napping I put Ember in it with a pillow stuffed behind her. She’s pretty young for it so she didn’t last long before she had enough, but it was so funny watching her stare at the toys and touch everything…. and drool. My gosh does this kid drool! I had a bunch of baby bibs for Kate and couldn’t figure out what the heck they were for, they all sat untouched. Well now I know! Ember soaks the front of her onesies if I don’t put a bib on her. When sitting on my lap drool constantly dribbles onto my arm. Yuck! She’s been experimenting with her tongue and different sounds, so that makes bubbles and even more drool. I hope she’s not an early teether. I’m not ready to deal with that yet!