NICU baby
I’m realizing that I’m still kind of angry and messed up from Ember’s NICU stay. While it was all happening I remember just thinking that at least she’s okay, at least it’s nothing major, at least I’m able to be here with her, at least I can pump and nurse, at least the nurses are great. There were a lot of “at least”s. Plus I was so tired and I had no idea what the next day would look like so I just lived day to day, hoping for improvement, hoping she could go home, hoping she didn’t have another episode.
But when I look back at it I realize it really messed with our bonding. The pregnancy felt a little weird to me all the way through – not bad, but just not the same as my other two pregnancies. I was really, really looking forward to holding her, feeling her in my arms, kissing her, nursing her. But I only got to hold her for a couple minutes after birth, then she was gone and we were left in an empty room wondering what the hell just happened. It felt like I hadn’t given birth at all. No visitors, no baby to hold and fawn over, no videos to take. Just silence. It felt way too similar to my first birth… except of course she was upstairs and alive and healthy. At the time everyone said I was being so strong. In hindsight I think I just shut off, went into emergency functioning mode.
I have known a lot of scary stories, of long NICU stays with very sick, very tiny babies. My baby was neither very sick nor very tiny, so I guess I felt it wasn’t valid for me to feel upset about it. But it was upsetting. A week-long hospital stay with no one really giving us straight answers as to what was going on and what we could expect was not what we had hoped for when I had such a lovely, easy, uncomplicated birth. An event that should have been full of celebration felt like a non-event. Not to mention how unsettling it was to come home without the baby.
When we did bring her home I had this 1 week old that I barely knew. I felt like the NICU nurses knew her and cared for her. She was perfectly happy being put down – it was probably the most familiar to her. It felt like I brought home someone else’s baby… like she wasn’t mine. I didn’t know her, she didn’t seem to need me at all except to eat, she didn’t even like being cuddled. It took a long time to feel like someone wasn’t going to come take her away.
*hugs*
Nat,I dont think I´ve ever understood you more right now.With my son (my first) I had a partial Placental Abruption at around 34 weeks,it caused a hemorrhage and I needed an emergency c-section.Baring in mind that I was 18,I had a non exsistant tummy,and I was no where near ready for this to happen,everything seemed sureal to me..as if it werent happening.
I woke up from the c-section 2 days later (bad reaction to the anestesia),no tiny belly,no baby and wondering what the heck had happened.
I was wheeled down to see my son 3 days after he was born and he didnt feel mine at all…it feels awful to say that now,but that´s how it felt.They handed him to me,and I felt nothing.I had skipped his arrival entirely,3 days had passed,and I know that he was being so well looked after,but it did feel that the nurses knew his little rutines alot better than I did even at that point.
They made me pump to stimulate my supply,but I didnt even get to nurse him until he was a week old.He was in the NICU for a month,and during that time,I was told when I could hold him and when I had to leave..the nurses did the rest :( Like you,I stayed in a room for nursing mothers at the hospital,and I went down to feed him every 3 hours..that was my only bonding time,but it was so very hard to get to know a baby that I literally knew nothing about :( I´d ask how many times a day he pooped,if he cried alot when I wasnt there etc,but it´s deffinately not the same.
He was amonth old when I took him home,and he had gotten used to not being held due to his stay in the incubator,so him not wanting to be held unless he was nursing made things SO much harder for me.I´d lay and look at him,I´d sniff him etc,but it took us oh so long to bond :(
I feel very bitter about it all,even more so after knowing what things CAN be like when things go how they´re supposed to.Once I had my daughters births to compare it too,I had to deal with all those feelings all over again and I still feel that bitterness when I think about it all these years later (15!).This is why I´m so opiniated when it comes to talking about elective c-sections..I guess my own experience has made me want other people to hate it too,and although I try SO hard to respect everyones opinions,I find my self getting angry and thinking “but why do people want to voluntarily SKIP a huge part of the experience that helps with the bonding!??”…cant help it.I feel like I missed out on so much that it felt like I had adopted a month old baby :( I know now that I´ll never get over it,it´s been years and I still look back on that part of my life a if it´s someone elses memories…but it´s something I´m used to living with now.My son is a wonderful boy,I love him so so much,I just wish that we got to fall in love sooner ;)
I know you had mentioned the NICU stay before to me. It’s so hard, especially to nurse all that time. I totally understand the bitterness, like something was taken away from you. I already know what a normal birth should be like so I feel like Ember and I got really shortchanged with the bonding and time we should have gotten together.
Been there.. I know what you mean. I thought I was the only one.
You are definitely not the only one. Every NICU mom I’ve talked to has mentioned something about it.
I struggled the same way when my son was in the NICU. He was also a week old when he came home and it was not until nearly 3 months later that I was able to assert the feelings I had about his stay. It gets better, but being a NICU mama is no badge anyone wants to carry with them.
Definitely not a badge anyone wants. :(
I am so sorry you went through a NICU stay. I was anxiously following along with you here and on Facebook to make sure you were okay. I thought you seemed a little…distant. Like you weren’t really in the moment, that you had distanced yourself. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been and still is for you. A surprise baby and then a surprise hospital stay! I remember reading how you liked Kate to be unwrapped and against you and I felt so bad that you didn’t have those moments immediately with Ember.
And Ember still doesn’t like to be cuddled on my chest! She’s making things challenging for me, like usual, ha. I try to get in other cuddly moments with her. I definitely thrive on touch!
Nat,
I have been an anonymous reader of your blog for last 3years and have gone through the emotional roller coaster ride through each update of yours. I went through two miscarriages before my son was born 3 months before Kate’s birth. My third pregnancy and first birth was very hard on me physiologically as each day I thought something would go wrong and will miscarry again.
My first baby was overdue and I ended up with C-section but overall I got to immediately bond with him and he was very healthy. I brought him home with me after four days and he was with me every single minute during hospital stay and had all the time on earth to bond. Next few months with my baby helped me heal on all old wounds and were definitely that happiest moment of my life.
During his first B ’day I found I was pregnant again( a big happy surprise).This time I was very relaxed during entire pregnancy. Infact it was a very easy pregnancy and most of the time I was busy with my son( I have to tell you that most of the habits and tantrums that you mention about Kate is 100% similar to my son’ habit including his fascination for gadgets and all electronic stuff).I also went through the similar feeling of gender disappointment when I learnt I was having another boy and it took me few days to get over it. I always though that the second pregnancy was so uneventful and was going so fast that I had no time to plan his arrival( getting his room ready and all).But then one day during week 34 I felt some water leak and went for my regular checkup they admitted me into the hospital. Three days after checking in, I went into labor and deliver him naturally after 12 hrs of labor. He was born healthy with no health issues but they had to keep him in NICU as a precaution just to rule out any infection and also all test results take 48 hrs to come. All tests came negative and they moved him to regular nursery for next 4 days to keep him under observation.
This birth being VBAC was different and very easy on my body. I was able to leave bed and walk with 4 hours after delivery. I would go and visit my son in the NICU every three hours and feed him or just pump in my room and give the milk. It felt very different and very hard emotionally. One day I was 10 minutes late for his feeling time in NICU and the nurse started feeding him formula. I felt so hurt that some body was feeding him formula when I was standing there to feed him that I started crying there. I guess the nurse understood and after that she would always call me 10mins before his feeding time. On the third day they released me from the hospital and I decided to go home as I had my 18 month old son waiting at home. I brought my new son home when he was one week old and I also felt all the time that I knew nothing about him. But believe me today he is 10month old and when I look back I realize that he is a very calm, easy going and happy baby when I compare him to my first son. He already goes through lot of separation anxiety if I am not near him. Everyone already calls him mama’s boy!!!
All I want to tell you that few months down the line everything will be fine and Ok with Ember and you will have the same feeling you had for Kate. You will start boding the same way. All said there is just one more thing that comes to my mind once every few weeks and that is my family complete?? or do I want to try for a daughter someday. For now I feel very happy and blessed to be Mommy of two healthy boys and want to enjoy every minute of it. Just hang in there and all will be fine soon???
Just wanted you to know that I think your reaction is entirely natural. My twins were born at 37 weeks, but one was quite small. She spent a week in the NICU despite being perfectly healthy—passed all of the test with glowing colors. It was incredibly frustrating because I couldn’t see her as often as I wanted (especially since I couldn’t bring her twin back with me after we were released, thanks to H1N1 rules), and no one would tell me when they’d let her come home. It was always “we’ll see tomorrow,” even though they had no real reason to wait except that they wanted her to be bigger. One of my friends asked why they didn’t send her home, then, since the food was there (I was nursing).
For a long time, I felt more connected to the twin who came home with me right away; now, I definitely have a bond with each and feel equally close to both. Still, I was/am bitter over the start and will never understand why she needed to be there for a week. She also remains very small for her age, and at 2.5, it’s obvious that part of her size is genetic and has nothing to do with being so little at birth.
Anyway, hang in there, take your time, and let yourself be angry.
I can’t comment on the NICU stay, but I can say that sometimes babies just aren’t cuddly. My daughter (she’s 3 now) was one of them…my mom says I was too. My son, on the other hand, really likes to snuggle. They were both born via c-section, but were able to nurse and be with me as soon as my surgery was over. Sometimes I think babies are just different.
I can definitely relate to your NICU experience. My son was born at 35 weeks due to preeclampsia. He was large for his gestational age — the brute of the NICU — but had difficulty eating and regulating his temperature. He spent 8 days in the NICU and the doctors could not tell us when he would be ready to go home and kept telling us not to get discouraged because once things started turning around, they would go quickly. They were right — we got less than 24 hours notice before they discharged him..
I felt disconnected — in part due to the very difficult pregnancy and month of hospitalization/bed rest before his birth. But my husband and I were both in the NICU constantly — except when they kicked us out for rounds — and I think it helped immensely. We were often the only parents there, and were fortunate because we lived so close and because my husband was able to take the time off work.
The one thing I can tell you is that the resentment and disappointment at not getting the “perfect” experience will fade with time. You’ll have other important milestones as the months and years pass that will be even better than your expectations and they will help you heal.
I know what you mean…I had twins but one went to the NICU (baby A-for only 2 days)…and it did mess with the bonding. I was feeding, cuddling and getting to know one (baby B), and did not even get to see the other one until the next day. It did not feel like I had twins! Once I got my other baby back, we were able to bond immediately, but it felt weird, like I already had this special bond with one and had to make up for lost time with the other. 13 months later, I love them both, deeply and equally, but will always long for those lost 2 days with my little baby A. Also, the way they just whisked the baby away, and then did not know what was wrong (she swallowed fluid like Ember did), makes you feel pretty lost and helpless (not to mention being out of it from pregnancy hormones and a c-section). So happy that Ember is home, healthy and thriving!
Thank you so much for posting this!! I was nodding my head and saying “yep” the whole time. You described so much how I felt after my daughter’s NICU stay. (Born 40 weeks, 5 days…got a fever after 8 hours and had some breathing issues…had a 6 day NICU stay.) It’s been months of processing it. I even saw a therapist a few times who specialized in Post-partum issues. I finally realized I was grieving a loss of sorts. She’s now 10 1/2 months old and I am coming up on her first birthday (which also happens to be my birthday and so unfair to have your baby taken to the NICU on your birthday!). I know the closer I get the harder it may get but as long as I look at it as grieving and a process…I think I can make it. You so totally described so well how I felt and I thank you so much for that. I could have really typed all of those words myself. Thank you Nat!!!
Just wanted to ditto that some babies are just not as cuddly. I had a birth center birth with my second son and got to hold him much more than I did with my first. And felt bonded very quickly as a result. But from birth he was not as snuggly. :( He was so strong and has always wanted to lift his head up, try to look around, or push himself up off my chest. He didn’t like the baby carriers for the first several months of his life because he wouldn’t lay his little head against me to snuggle, the wrap seriously irritated him, he would throw his head back and fuss! So yep, that was sad for me, I was so looking forward to that part of newbornhood.